Expert Q&A for How to Deal With Envy

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  • Question
    How do I stop comparing myself to my sister-in-law, who is a total social butterfly and makes friends with everybody? Some context: I used to be shy, but I'm not anymore. Still, I still feel negatively when I think about her.
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    Expert Answer
    In order to avoid feeling envy about your sister-in-law, you can either focus on any of her social skills that you admire or you can reflect on all the wonderful qualities that you have. You can also try both of these strategies. When she shines in social situations, take note of what she does. Maybe she asks a lot of questions or tells funny stories. Consider whether you'd like to model this behavior, too. If you're less shy but still an introvert or a little more reserved, you can tell yourself, "I am incredibly thoughtful and think about what people say before I speak." What's most important is that you celebrate your unique value.
  • Question
    I've been compared to my more academically successful best friend for years, and recently it's started to make me jealous. I'm afraid I'm being toxic, how can I get rid of this envy?
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    Expert Answer
    First of all, you should congratulate yourself for wanting to be a healthy and supportive friend. In order to maintain a thriving friendship, practice gratitude that you have such a smart person in your life. Since you think so highly of them, you should be proud you're in their life. Also think about how your friend can help you out with your academic goals. Finally, focus on improving your own academic performance and doing the best you can at school.
  • Question
    What if you're the person who is envied? How do you deal with the envious person obtaining one of the things that caused their envy in the first place?
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    Expert Answer
    You should be happy for them. If they reached their goal and obtained what they wanted, it's a good sign that they don't resent other people and instead look to them for inspiration. Unless this individual shows signs of competitiveness, then it's likely they're just on a path of self-improvement.
  • Question
    Why am I jealous of the money my husband spends on other people?
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    Expert Answer
    Consider what this money represents and why it's the source of your envy. For example, do you believe that the way he "treats" or splurges on other people is a sign of his affection or care? Are you worried that it's a sign that he values pleasing others over prioritizing your marriage? First, think about what you need from your husband. Maybe you need him to express how much you matter to him or to bring you on fun dates. Also remember that you are his partner and that makes you unique--it's best not to compare yourself to other people. It is important, however, to communicate with your spouse about what you want.
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