A relationship contract might not seem like the most romantic thing ever. But the truth is that all relationships are, in essence, contractual. The only difference here is that you and your partner are spelling everything out and putting it on paper. A good relationship contract has the power to really strengthen your relationship. Read on to learn all about relationship contracts, including the benefits of having one and how you can write one of your own.
Making a Relationship Contract
Your relationship contract spells out the needs of each partner in your relationship, your division of labor, and how you plan to resolve conflicts. Sit down and discuss the contract with your partner, then write it all down and sign it.
Steps
Writing Your Contract
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Download a template for a more formal structure. Your relationship contract doesn't have to be some formal, legal document. But if a formal structure makes it feel more weighty and important to you, the internet has your back. Search for "free relationship contract templates" to bring up something that will work well for you. [3] X Research source
- These templates can also be a good place to start brainstorming for what to include. Some templates may include things that don't apply to you and your partner, but they might also include things you wouldn't have thought about that do apply.
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Discuss what you want to include in your contract. What sections or items you include in your contract will be very personal to you and will depend on what's important to the two of you as individuals and as a couple. Here are some general categories to consider: [4] X Research source
- Exclusivity: Is your relationship monogamous? If it isn't, what are your boundaries around including other people? What constitutes cheating in your relationship?
- Living arrangements: Will you and your partner live together or separately? Do either of you expect to have alone time? Are there any areas of your home that are "off limits" to each other? How will you divide household tasks?
- Finances: If you're living together, how are you dividing household expenses? Will you have a joint bank account or separate accounts? How much transparency will you have about money?
- Quality time: Do you want to schedule date nights? Do you have specific activities that you want to pursue together? What constitutes "quality time" in your relationship? Do you hope to have sex at a certain frequency?
- Goals: What goals do each of you have for your own lives? What do you hope to achieve in the coming year? What sort of support do you expect from your partner?
- Conflict resolution: When and how will you address conflicts when they occur? What sorts of things are off-limits when you disagree about something? What are dealbreakers in your relationship?
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Draft the terms for each section you've decided to include. As with the structure, your language doesn't need to be legalistic or fancy. In fact, plain language works best to express what you and your partner have agreed on each of the categories you've included. Here are some examples: [5] X Research source
- Exclusivity: "We agree to have a monogamous relationship in which we are sexually exclusive. We consider any physical intimacy with anyone outside of our relationship, apart from a hug or a kiss on the cheek, to be cheating."
- Living arrangements: "We agree to live together. Since each of us needs alone time to recharge, each of us will have private space within our home where we can retreat for that purpose."
- Finances: "We agree to have separate bank accounts. We will open a joint account for household expenses, to which we both will contribute 50% of our income."
- Goals: "We agree to support each other in our career and personal goals. If an opportunity arises that would significantly change any aspect of our life as a couple, we agree to discuss that opportunity with each other before making a decision."
- Quality time: "We will have at least two date nights each week, including one on Friday or Saturday night. We agree that we would like to have sex at least twice a week on average."
- Conflict resolution: "When we have a disagreement, we will take 15 minutes apart to collect our thoughts and manage our feelings. Then we will come together privately without distractions, listen to each other's point of view, and come to a resolution."
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Include information about the termination of the agreement. Like any contract, there's the possibility that one of you will breach the contract or simply decide that it no longer suits your needs. Discuss with your partner what will happen if either of you decides to end your relationship, as well as what terms you've laid out that would constitute "deal-breakers." [6] X Research source
- For example, if you're a monogamous couple, you might decide that cheating is a dealbreaker. This gives the two of you to discuss what does and doesn't constitute cheating, and what's going to happen if one of you steps out.
- Legal and financial entanglements are particularly important here. For example, if the two of you are leasing an apartment together, you might agree that the partner who decides to terminate the relationship will continue to pay the other some money toward the lease until it's up.
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Decide when you want to revisit your contract. At a minimum, it's a good idea to come back to your contract at least once a year and talk about things that might have changed. But if something in your life changes significantly, it might be worth going ahead and looking at it immediately rather than waiting on your agreed-upon date. [7] X Research source
- For example, if you decide to have children, you might want to revisit your contract immediately to account for things such as childcare.
- Revisiting your contract is a great opportunity to have a "state of the relationship" type discussion in which you talk about what's worked so far and what can be improved.
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Sign your contract and keep it in a safe place. Print out your contract and sign it to make it feel formal and real. This ritual can really strengthen your relationship. Having a printed copy also makes it easy for you to go back and refer to the contract when you need to. [8] X Research source
- For example, you might have things in your contract that don't come up frequently. The printed contract makes it easy for you to go back and see what you agreed on originally.
- Don't be afraid to go against the contract if you both agree to it. Sometimes, you'll make a decision in the abstract that doesn't make any sense when you're actually in the situation.
Expert Q&A
Tips
- A relationship contract is not the same thing as a cohabitation agreement. A cohabitation agreement is a legal document in many countries that spells out the property rights of each person in a committed romantic relationship. [15] X Research sourceThanks
Warnings
- In most jurisdictions, relationship contracts aren't legally enforceable. However, clauses related to finances or assets might be. If you're concerned about the legal enforceability of your relationship contract, get a lawyer to look it over for you. [16] X Research sourceThanks
References
- ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/relationship-contract-templates
- ↑ https://www.ravishly.com/contract-relationship
- ↑ https://templatearchive.com/relationship-contract/
- ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/relationship-contract-templates
- ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/relationship-contract-templates
- ↑ https://roamerstherapy.com/relationship-agreements/
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/creating-a-relationship-contract/
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/creating-a-relationship-contract/
- ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/relationship-contract-templates
- ↑ https://roamerstherapy.com/relationship-agreements/
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/creating-a-relationship-contract/
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/creating-a-relationship-contract/
- ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/relationship-contract-templates
- ↑ https://templatearchive.com/relationship-contract/
- ↑ https://www.government.nl/topics/marriage-cohabitation-agreement-civil-partnership/marriage-civil-partnership-and-cohabitation-agreements
- ↑ https://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/relationship-contract-templates