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Is My Friend Toxic?

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Friendships are all about offering support, sharing love, and keeping the good vibes flowing… but lately, your friend doesn’t seem to pass the vibe check. Could the friendship be turning toxic, or is your friendship just going through a rough patch?

We’re here to help. Hit the “Start Quiz” button to get a better idea if your friend is toxic or not—and what you can do if they are.

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Questions Overview

1. How often does your friend flake on plans?
  1. Constantly! They almost always cancel at the last minute.
  2. Frequently. I might as well flip a coin to see if they show up.
  3. Occasionally. They usually have a good excuse, though.
  4. Never. If they give me their word, I know they’ll be there.
2. You just spent the day with your friend and you’re finally back home. How are you feeling?
  1. Weary. Being around them makes me feel drained and unhappy.
  2. Meh. I don’t feel terrible, but I don’t feel good, either.
  3. Happy. I had a pretty good time with them.
  4. Great! I feel recharged, uplifted and better about myself after being with them.
3. Your friend asks you to go skydiving with them, but you say no. What’s their response?
  1. “Don’t be such a baby. You always ruin everything!”
  2. “I was really looking forward to doing this with you, but okay.”
  3. “Aw, darn. Will you at least come with me to the airport?”
  4. “No worries! Skydiving definitely isn’t for everyone.”
4. You just told them a big secret. Are their lips sealed?
  1. Not at all—they’ve probably spilled the beans already.
  2. Doubtful. At least 1 other person probably knows about it.
  3. Possibly. They’re pretty trustworthy, but they’ve slipped up before.
  4. Absolutely! They won’t tell another soul.
5. What’s your friend’s sense of humor like?
  1. Pretty mean and passive-aggressive. It feels like I’m the butt of all their jokes.
  2. Not great. They’re funny sometimes, but they’re also pretty insensitive.
  3. Playful. Sometimes they tease me a little too much, but it’s not malicious.
  4. Respectful. Their jokes never cross the line.
6. You tell your friend you had a super tough day. How does your friend respond?
  1. “You think that’s bad? Wait until you hear about my day…”
  2. “Hmm, it probably wasn’t that bad.”
  3. “I’m sorry—that sounds really frustrating.”
  4. “Oh no! What happened? Tell me all about it.”
7. How often is your friend involved in some type of drama?
  1. Once a week, easily. They’re constantly fighting with someone.
  2. Once a month. There’s always drama lurking around the corner.
  3. Once a year. They’re involved in drama occasionally, but not often.
  4. Almost never. I can’t remember the last time they were involved in a conflict.
8. You just called out your friend on something hurtful they said. What’s their response?
  1. “You’re being way too sensitive.”
  2. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but it’s not my fault you can’t take a joke.”
  3. “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.”
  4. “I’m so sorry. What can I do to make this right?”
9. You just got a 96% on your final exam. What’s your friend’s reaction?
  1. “Wow, you did way better than I thought you would.”
  2. “That’s pretty good, but I actually scored 98%.”
  3. “Congrats! You must feel so relieved.”
  4. “That’s fantastic! I knew you could do it.”
10. With 1 being bad and 10 being great, how would you rate your friend’s listening skills?
  1. 1-2. It feels like I’m talking to a wall sometimes.
  2. 3-5. Not great, but they could be worse.
  3. 6-7. I have their attention 75% of the time.
  4. 8-10. When I’m talking, I know I have their full attention.
11. Your friend wants to hang out, but you already made plans with your roomie. What do they say?
  1. “Couldn’t you hang with them another night? I’m so lonely…”
  2. “You should bail and hang out with me instead.”
  3. “Darn! I guess we can hang out another time.”
  4. “No worries! I hope you have a great time with them.”
12. How would you describe your friendship in 1 word?
  1. One-sided. I don’t feel like I’m seen or heard.
  2. Tiring. I feel pretty drained after spending time with them.
  3. Good. We have our ups and downs, but they make me happy.
  4. Amazing. I feel really valued and cherished.

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Toxic people tend to display a lot of similar red flags<\/a>: they don\u2019t value your time, they treat you disrespectfully, they put their needs over yours, they\u2019re unreliable, and\/or they try to change who you are. Your friend might display just one or many of these traits, but the reality remains the same: you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.Try spending some time away from your friend and see how you feel. If you find yourself feeling happier and less anxious with this person out of your life, it might be worth scaling back the friendship or cutting ties completely<\/a>.It could also be worth reaching out to your friend quietly and asking them to listen to your feelings. During this conversation, ask for what you want, mention how you\u2019d like to be treated, and thank them for choosing to be a good friend. After some time, you\u2019ll see if your boundaries are heard and processed. If you\u2019ve tried to repair your friendship to no avail, it\u2019s time to move on without this person in your life.","edit_links":[{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Recognize-a-Toxic-Friend"},{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/End-a-Toxic-Friendship"}],"link_data":[{"title":"How to Recognize a Toxic Friend","id":665423,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Recognize-a-Toxic-Friend","image":"\/images\/thumb\/8\/83\/Recognize-a-Toxic-Friend-Step-20.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Recognize-a-Toxic-Friend-Step-20.jpg","alt":"How to Recognize a Toxic Friend"},{"title":"How to Cut a Toxic Friend Out of Your Life","id":598109,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/End-a-Toxic-Friendship","image":"\/images\/thumb\/7\/70\/End-a-Toxic-Friendship-Step-16.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-End-a-Toxic-Friendship-Step-16.jpg","alt":"How to Cut a Toxic Friend Out of Your Life"}],"minimum":0},{"text":"Your friend might be toxic.","meaning":"Everyone has bad days, but you aren\u2019t really vibing with your friend\u2019s frequent negativity. It\u2019s fair to think that something\u2019s off\u2014based on your results, it sounds like your friend could be saying and doing some pretty toxic things.Toxic friendships come in all shapes and sizes. Some individuals are disrespectful of your time and constantly duck out of plans at the last minute, while other people love to gossip and are unable to keep a secret. If your friend\u2019s behavior is making you feel drained, sad, anxious, or otherwise unsettled, they could definitely be on the more toxic end of the friendship spectrum.There isn\u2019t a single correct way to deal with a toxic friend. In some cases, the best call might be talking to your friend and sharing what\u2019s bothering you<\/a>; at other times, the better call might be cutting ties altogether. Remember\u2014what matters most is putting your own happiness and mental health first, and surrounding yourself with friends who love and support you for who you are.","edit_links":[{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Recognize-a-Toxic-Friend"},{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/End-a-Toxic-Friendship"}],"link_data":[{"title":"How to Recognize a Toxic Friend","id":665423,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Recognize-a-Toxic-Friend","image":"\/images\/thumb\/8\/83\/Recognize-a-Toxic-Friend-Step-20.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Recognize-a-Toxic-Friend-Step-20.jpg","alt":"How to Recognize a Toxic Friend"},{"title":"How to Cut a Toxic Friend Out of Your Life","id":598109,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/End-a-Toxic-Friendship","image":"\/images\/thumb\/7\/70\/End-a-Toxic-Friendship-Step-16.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-End-a-Toxic-Friendship-Step-16.jpg","alt":"How to Cut a Toxic Friend Out of Your Life"}],"minimum":0},{"text":"Your friend probably isn\u2019t toxic.","meaning":"Most friendships have their fair share of rough patches, but it sounds like your friend isn\u2019t quite veering off into toxic territory. At the end of the day, your friendship seems to be rooted in respect, which is what matters most.Don\u2019t be afraid to let your friend know if they say or do something that makes you uncomfortable, though. Using \u201cI\u201d statements<\/a> (ex: \u201cI really treasure our time together. When I was in middle school, I had a friend who would flake on our plans a lot, and it made me feel really bad. When you show up on time for our hang-outs, it really means a lot.\u201d) can help you express your feelings in an open, honest, and non-accusatory way. The more you communicate and share what\u2019s on your mind, the healthier your friendship will be!","edit_links":[{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Fix-a-Broken-Friendship"},{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Evaluate-if-Your-Friendships-Are-Healthy"}],"link_data":[{"title":"How to Fix a Broken Friendship","id":1552474,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Fix-a-Broken-Friendship","image":"\/images\/thumb\/3\/3e\/Fix-a-Broken-Friendship-Step-16.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Fix-a-Broken-Friendship-Step-16.jpg","alt":"How to Fix a Broken Friendship"},{"title":"How to Evaluate if Your Friendships Are Healthy","id":8415118,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Evaluate-if-Your-Friendships-Are-Healthy","image":"\/images\/thumb\/8\/82\/Get-Rid-of-a-Friend-Who-Is-Not-Trustworthy-Step-5-Version-3.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Get-Rid-of-a-Friend-Who-Is-Not-Trustworthy-Step-5-Version-3.jpg","alt":"How to Evaluate if Your Friendships Are Healthy"}],"minimum":0},{"text":"Your friend likely isn\u2019t toxic.","meaning":"It seems like your friend treats you with plenty of respect and courtesy on a day-to-day basis. When they say or do something hurtful, it sounds like they\u2019re willing to take accountability and apologize when they mess up. That\u2019s great to hear!Keep your friendship in great shape by building on the good communication skills you already seem to have in place. Be honest with your friend whenever they do or say something that upsets you\u2014using \u201cI\u201d statements<\/a> (ex: \u201cI really appreciate being heard. When I was growing up, my dad didn\u2019t listen to me and it made me feel so bad. When you hear me and really listen, I appreciate it so much.\u201d) can help you get your point across without sounding confrontational in the process. Above all, focus on building your friend up rather than tearing them down.","edit_links":[{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Evaluate-if-Your-Friendships-Are-Healthy"},{"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.life\/Form-Lasting-Friendships"}],"link_data":[{"title":"How to Evaluate if Your Friendships Are Healthy","id":8415118,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Evaluate-if-Your-Friendships-Are-Healthy","image":"\/images\/thumb\/8\/82\/Get-Rid-of-a-Friend-Who-Is-Not-Trustworthy-Step-5-Version-3.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Get-Rid-of-a-Friend-Who-Is-Not-Trustworthy-Step-5-Version-3.jpg","alt":"How to Evaluate if Your Friendships Are Healthy"},{"title":"How to Form Lasting Friendships","id":1447561,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.life\/Form-Lasting-Friendships","image":"\/images\/thumb\/9\/97\/Form-Lasting-Friendships-Step-15.jpg\/-crop-200-200-200px-Form-Lasting-Friendships-Step-15.jpg","alt":"How to Form Lasting Friendships"}],"minimum":0}]" class="quiz_results_data"/>\"Am<\/picture>","alt":"Am I Being Gaslighted Quiz"},{"title":"Are You Best Friends Quiz","id":13457572,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Relationships\/Best-Friend-Quiz","image":"\"Best<\/picture>","alt":"Are You Best Friends Quiz"},{"title":"Am I Toxic Quiz","id":13395060,"url":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/Relationships\/Am-I-Toxic-Quiz","image":"\"Am<\/picture>","alt":"Am I Toxic Quiz"}],"number":1},{"text":"I'm good - I want to work on myself instead.","result":"Great! 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The Ins and Outs of Toxic Friendships

Friendships are meant to be positive and empowering—not negative and draining. If your friend tends to drag you down rather than raise you up, it might be time to take a closer look at your relationship with them.

Signs of a Toxic Friendship

  • They always need to be #1. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of friendly rivalry, but some people take the spirit of competition a little too far. These friends are constantly looking for opportunities to show off their accomplishments—and show how their achievements are better and more impressive than yours.
  • They’re constantly unreliable. Everyone runs late once in awhile, but this friend takes tardiness to a whole new level. They almost never show up on time (if they even show up at all), and aren’t afraid to cancel their plans in order to do something more “fun.”
  • They take far more than they give. This type of friend only hangs around when it’s convenient for them—and when they are around, the conversation always revolves around them. They’ll shoot you a text only when no one else is around, or ask to hang out only if they have nothing better to do.
  • They’re really bossy. While there’s nothing wrong with speaking your mind, this friend has a little too much to say. They’ll interrupt you and butt in with their own ideas, they’ll offer unsolicited advice or opinions, and they’ll even try to tell you what you can and can’t do.
  • They make you feel uncomfortable. Healthy friendships revolve around healthy boundaries—and, most importantly, respecting those boundaries. This type of friend will pressure you to do something even if you say no, or encourage you to do something that you know is wrong.
  • They use you as a punchline. Playful teasing and banter are a normal part of a healthy friendship, but your friend should always be laughing with you, not at you. This friend isn’t afraid to annoy or embarrass you for the sake of a “joke”—and when you call them out, they’ll just call you “sensitive.”
  • They’re insincere and not trustworthy. This type of friend is always spreading gossip (and isn’t afraid to include your name in the rumor mill). They might say something nice and supportive to your face, only to backtrack and say mean things about you to someone else. Needless to say, they aren’t very trustworthy with a secret.
  • They have narcissistic tendencies. Your friend uses you as a source of their narcissistic supply (someone who gives them constant attention and admiration) without caring about your thoughts and feelings. When they don’t get this narcissistic supply from you, they’ll turn on you and move to someone else who will supply them.

What to Do Next

Want to learn more?

Dealing with a toxic friendship is never easy, but you don’t have to navigate this tough situation on your own. Check out these resources for plenty of helpful, expert-verified advice:

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  • Charlotte Kennedy

    Jul 15, 2023

    "I have a friend who's friends with the rest of my friends, and I feel awful and sad whenever she's there. ..." more
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