This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
and by wikiHow staff writer, Aly Rusciano
. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
There are 12 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 6,100 times.
Something about your friend, family member, or boss seems a bit off. Sure, they’re caring and empathetic, but sometimes they lash out when you give them constructive criticism. If they’re not arrogant or selfish all of the time, they couldn’t be a narcissist, right? Believe it or not, narcissists can pretend to have empathy and be a bit shy, especially if they’re a vulnerable narcissist. In this article, we’ll teach you how to spot and deal with vulnerable narcissism, and how it differs from other forms of narcissism.
Things You Should Know
- Vulnerable narcissists can feel shy and insecure but ultimately mask their shame to appear better than other people.
- A vulnerable narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and will play the victim because they feel their life is unfair.
- Vulnerable narcissists use fake empathy to get what they want, no matter the cost.
Steps
What is a vulnerable narcissist?
-
A vulnerable narcissist is a type of narcissist that feels self-conscious and insecure. This form of narcissism makes a person hypersensitive and reserved. When vulnerable narcissists aren’t put on a pedestal, they’re can become anxious. Overall, vulnerable narcissists need constant validation and praise to feel good about themselves; otherwise, they’ll fall into a depressive or anxiety-ridden episode. [1] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Narcissistic behavior often stems from a traumatic childhood. If a child is left to feel inferior due to divorce, abuse, or neglect, they may develop a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). [2] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source
- For instance, someone raised in an unstable, destructive, or toxic household may adopt vulnerable narcissistic tendencies because they didn’t experience empathy or compassion at a young age.
Signs of Vulnerable Narcissism
-
1They’re highly sensitive to criticism. A vulnerable narcissist can’t cope with negative feedback. Any critique of their work, appearance, or attitude feels unjustified or unfair to them. Although they’re often critical of others, they don’t respond well to personal feedback. [3] X Research source
-
2They avoid social interactions. When it comes to watching a movie at home or going to a party, vulnerable narcissists always choose a home movie. They use introversion to mask their insecurities because they’re scared to show their flaws. This introverted nature makes them anxious in social situations, and they’d prefer to spend time with themselves over others. [4] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
-
3They shift blame. Vulnerable narcissists tend to point fingers and constantly play the victim. Rather than taking responsibility for their actions, they’ll blame other people for them so they’re never in the wrong. This is because they’re scared to show their true selves, flaws and all. [5] X Research source
-
4They’re self-absorbed. Despite their anxious and introverted nature, vulnerable narcissists are preoccupied with their own feelings and thoughts. They’ll often push aside someone else’s needs unless they benefit their own. This is their way of masking their insecurities to appear superior. [6] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
-
5They tend to be negative. Vulnerable narcissists deal with an overwhelming amount of negative emotions about themselves and the world. Because of this, they’re more likely to look at the glass half empty rather than half full. This negative perspective can hinder their confidence, affect their mood, and make them anxious. [7] X Research source
-
6They take advantage of others. Empathy isn’t impossible for a vulnerable narcissist, but it can be difficult because of their insecurities. They may silently scheme or discretely manipulate to get their way, even if that means hurting someone else’s feelings. This is their way of hiding their true selves and masking their flaws. [8] X Research source
-
7They worry about appearance. A vulnerable narcissist cares about what people think of them and they fixate on how they look in the public eye. Because of this, they’ll often mask their true selves or put on a front to appear better than they really are. [9] X Research source
-
8They struggle to form relationships. A vulnerable narcissist’s self-absorption and introversion makes it difficult for them to make lasting bonds. It can be challenging for them to connect with other people because their insecurities tell them they’re unworthy of love.
-
9They don’t trust others. When it feels like the entire world is against you, it can be difficult to trust other people. Vulnerable narcissists struggle to trust even those closest to them because they’re scared of getting hurt.
-
10They get jealous easily. Vulnerable narcissists are constantly comparing themselves to others and when they fall short, they become incredibly envious. When others experience success, they tend to get jealous and competitive. This behavior pushes other people away and makes it hard for vulnerable narcissists to form healthy relationships. [10] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to source
Dealing with a Vulnerable Narcissist
-
1Recognize the signs. One of the best things you can do when dealing with narcissistic behavior is to acknowledge when and how it affects you. Vulnerable narcissism can be harder to detect than overt narcissism, but an exaggerated sense of self or a need for constant validation can be warning signs.
-
2Set boundaries. Communicate what you need in the relationship, and don’t back down. Setting firm boundaries can help you live and deal with a vulnerable narcissist. If they cross a line, hold them to it. [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
-
3Try not to take things personally. Detaching from a narcissist can help you separate yourself from them. While their behavior shouldn't be excused, understand that it stems from a traumatic past. [12] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- It can be difficult for a vulnerable narcissist to express their feelings (especially love), so don’t be afraid to confront them about their behavior and express why it can be upsetting.
-
4Let them be uncomfortable. Try to avoid the urge to console a vulnerable narcissist. If their ego or feelings get hurt because of their narcissistic behavior, let them hurt. Putting your own emotions aside to comfort them won’t help them in the long run. [13] X Research source
-
5Look past their charade. Vulnerable narcissists will put up a front if they know it’ll please you. So, if you’re upset with them, do your best not to fall for their tricks. [14] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
-
6Ask for help. It’s easy to question yourself when you’re around a narcissist, so don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. Talk to a friend, loved one, or therapist. Confiding in someone else can help you see the situation more clearly and remind you of your worth. [15] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- If you believe you have vulnerable narcissistic tendencies, talk to a therapist to start a long-term psychotherapy treatment to understand and reverse your behaviors and anxieties.
Other Forms of Narcissism
-
Vulnerable narcissists aren’t as intentional as other narcissists. Generally, grandiose or covert narcissists are more extroverted than vulnerable narcissists. They tend to be arrogant and insensitive to other people’s needs. On the other hand, vulnerable narcissists are a bit harder to identify, as they have more introverted and empathetic-like qualities. Their narcissistic behaviors aren’t intentionally malicious, just misunderstood. [16] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Vulnerable narcissists fear criticism and mask their true selves to avoid critique. They also deal with self-doubt and struggle with confidence.
- Grandiose narcissists believe they’re better than everyone else (despite their insecurities) and will often take leadership positions because of it.
- A narcissist can be both grandiose and vulnerable. For instance, when they’re called out on arrogant or selfish behavior, they may revert to vulnerable behaviors to reconcile and mask their shame. [17] X Research source
wikiHow Quiz: Am I a Covert Narcissist?
You often fantasize about being important, special, or powerful.
Expert Q&A
Tips
- Wondering if you’re dating a narcissist? Take this quiz to find out.Thanks
You Might Also Like
References
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5973515/
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S009265662100060X
- ↑ https://youtu.be/xO2Ev_1zoCM?t=225
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5973515/
- ↑ https://youtu.be/xO2Ev_1zoCM?t=238
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
- ↑ https://youtu.be/UIqesLGijU4?t=788
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/01/not-all-narcissists-are-grandiose-the-vulnerable-type-can-be-just-as-dangerous
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/01/not-all-narcissists-are-grandiose-the-vulnerable-type-can-be-just-as-dangerous
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/narcissism-and-abuse/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/201907/10-things-not-to-do-with-narcissists
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm/
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/covert-narcissism/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5973515/
- ↑ https://www.mcleanhospital.org/npd-provider-guide
About This Article
Medical Disclaimer
The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.