wikiHow wikiHow Staff: Awesome. So my first question for you today is if I just want to flirt with somebody, but I don't want to make it too obvious. I'm curious--what are some common mistakes you see people make when they're trying to be subtle when they're flirting? Cher Gopman: When they're trying to be subtle? Some common mistakes I've seen when people are trying to be subtle flirting is talking too much about themselves. They'll end up rambling on because they want to tell the person they're interested in all about them and all their great qualities that they end up talking so much about themselves that it ends up coming off as sometimes conceited or not interested in the other partner. So that's one of the common mistakes I see when someone is trying to flirt. I also see someone that comes off as too needy or too available when trying to flirt. When you are trying to flirt you're obviously interested in the person, but coming off too available is actually going to turn that other person away. So you want to make sure you leave a little bit to mystery. Another thing is just being too sexual right up front. So being too touchy feely right away sometimes can give off the wrong vibe to somebody. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, I love that last tip you just gave about not being overly touchy or too sexual. I'm curious. How would you recommend someone who's not been into the flirting scene as much to use body language when they're flirting? And I'm assuming some body language is non-touching, if that makes sense? Or some touching? Cher Gopman: Right. Correct. So there's non-touching and then there is touching. So for non-touching, some of the body language that you could show when flirting is obviously smiling is very important. Showing that you're engaged. And a smile allows the other person to feel at ease with you. Eye contact is super important. Make sure you have that strong eye contact, and showing that you're really present in the moment is a signal for flirting, but you don't want to be overly strong with the eye contact. Maybe you're so focused on the person and not looking away, it could come off as too intimidating. So you have to make sure there's a balance. And also for females, a little bit of hair touching every once in a while is a sign of flirting, showing that you're interested and leaning in a little bit into the conversation when you're seated, making sure you are leaned in. If you're leaned backwards, it's showing a sign of uninterest or disinterest; if you lean forward it's a sign of interest. Making sure your arms are not closed off, but they're open and they're engaging, and not being afraid to touch if the other person seems comfortable. Of course, being aware if the person that you touch pulls away, that's a sign that they're not comfortable with a touch. So no longer pursue that. But if they are, when you're laughing you could add a quick touch to the leg or a touch on the arm or the upper arm, when you're talking during conversation. And then you don't want to leave the hand there for too long, but if they're laughing, having a good conversation, don't be afraid to give a little touch here and there. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, I love those tips. And in my own experience, I used to be a peer counselor for my college, and also my sister's a recruiter. So one of the biggest tips I hear is not only matching the body language of the other person, but also making sure you're a little bit more--you're not trying to show that you're really trying to persuade them or trying to overtly get them on your own level, but being a little bit reserved and have a good balance on that. So I appreciate that. Cher Gopman: Right, exactly. wikiHow Staff: So thank you so much for that, Cher. And I'm curious--my next question is a bit of a scenario. So if say, I or my friends rejected a person in the past, maybe it just wasn't the right time for me to get into a relationship or try to date. I'm curious if I'm now like, yeah, I kind of want to see this person again, or try to rekindle a bit of flirtatious vibes with them. How do you think I can spark interest? AndI'm assuming it's not necessarily the same way as if I've never met them before. Cher Gopman: Right. So if you've already met them, you told them that you weren't interested. And then all of a sudden now you are interested in the person and you want to start interest, my recommendation first of all is to start a conversation, start talking to them, showing them that you're present, you're there, and ask questions to them about how they're doing. Showing genuine interest is going to make them start thinking about you again. So asking questions, which is how have you been? What have you been up to? That's amazing. And try to find that common ground or interest of something they've been doing and something you've been doing. This way you can then mention possibly doing something together in the future, like, oh, that's awesome that you go to improv classes, I've always wanted to try it, maybe we should check that out sometime. Showing a way that you can fit into their life again, to allow them to see a potential future with you again, and it'll re-spark that image in their mind. wikiHow Staff: I love that. And I appreciate that answer. And something that I've been thinking about is like in your years of experience in guiding and advising people on how to date, flirt, or be in relationships, I'm curious, what are maybe the common things you have seen people fail or not do so well, when they're trying to flirt or get their crush's attention? So maybe from your own experience, you're like, wow, I keep seeing this thing happen again and I wish people would fix or do this to improve their flirting ways. Cher Gopman: That they're not doing well with flirting or you're saying what are they doing wrong when it comes to flirting? wikiHow Staff: Yes. Cher Gopman: Telling a lot of their dirty laundry too soon. When someone wants to become interested in you, they first have to like all your positive traits before they start falling for your negative traits. So making sure that they see that first and foremost is really important. Also, not talking down about yourself. Sometimes people feel like misery loves company or want someone to come and save them. But you have to first be in a situation where you love yourself, you're happy with yourself, in order for someone to find that very attractive. So I think that's something that's really important for flirting. Another mistake that I've seen with people flirting is just being too available. I don't know if I said it already, but being too available, showing that they're just so--they're ready, they're excited, they like this person--oh, what day of the week are you free? Oh, any day works for me. I think you have to kind of show you have a little mystery and also show that you have your own life, that your life is interesting and fun and make that person feel special to have that time with you and not that you're always available waiting by the phone. wikiHow Staff: And one thing that I've been fascinated by when talking to experts such as yourself that have expertise in relationships and other related topics--I'm curious if these are just general human mistakes, or do you see a specific trend or even a trend of things in your own geographic location? So I'm assuming New York City, is there a thing that you see New Yorkers are doing that other people might not be doing that you wish they would improve on or do differently? Cher Gopman: When it comes to flirting specifically or dating in general? wikiHow Staff: Maybe both, but let's talk about flirting and dating I guess. Cher Gopman: I've seen a lot of New Yorkers--now I think this is just in general, with online dating becoming such a big thing. There's a lot of dating, it's becoming harder to settle down. And I think that also has to do with online dating, everyone's always looking for that next best thing. But a lot of people are super, super critical about looks online and they say, I won't go out with them unless they're six feet tall and above. I won't go out with them if they have facial hair, or whatever it is. I think people have to be a little bit more open because if they met that person in person, they might be super attracted to them, into them, but it's because of online dating that they're not even giving themselves a chance to meet the person. So I think you have to start looking more at the profile and getting to know the person as a human, and that will allow them to--I've just seen that so often where people are like, I'm not going out with this person because he's 5' 10". And I'm like, well, you're attracted to every other quality about him. But because he's two inches or one inch smaller than you wanted, you're going to say no. And then you're really limiting yourself. So I think that's a big thing that I've noticed a lot here, especially in New York. Everyone's always looking for that next best thing. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, it sounds as though we're in our culture of customizing our preferences and what we want. And unfortunately, we're never going to be like--I think of that movie Clueless, we're never going to be having that machine where we get to pick and choose hairstyles and body types all the time. And so thank you so much for that answer. And previously, you were chatting about when you're flirting, you don't want to be overtly interested and you want to have a good balance between having interest, but also flirting in a natural way. And I'm curious--certain situations I know my friends are in when they're trying to get to know other people. I'm curious when or what signals should you pick up on if somebody is playing hard to get versus if they're literally not interested, because sometimes it's hard to figure out if they are interested, but you know. Cher Gopman: So for example, if you text the person, they take a while to text back. But if they do always text you back, that's a sign that they could be interested in just playing hard to get. Also if you go to text them and then all of a sudden you see the little dots, like they're writing something, but then they stop. And then they end up texting back a little bit later. That's a sign they could be playing hard to get. I've seen it firsthand where a guy will write to them and a girl will start to write and she starts to think, oh, she's going to write but then she stops, puts her phone down, and then writes back 20 minutes later just to make him wonder about her. So that's also a sign that she could be playing hard to get. Are you looking for other signs of non-interest or just if they're playing hard to get? wikiHow Staff: Maybe if they're just playing hard to get, I guess? Yeah, that would be a really good tip. Cher Gopman: Okay. So let me see. So if they're asking questions about you, if they're continuing to ask questions. That's a sign that they're still interested but they're not disinterested. Let me see. Yeah, those are some of the things I would say. wikiHow Staff: Thank you so much for that. And it seems as though you're demystifying maybe one of the [inaudible], like they don't necessarily have to text you back right away or it's fine if they text you back within a certain period of time or a little later. They don't have to be so quick, but I'm curious. So my next question is, what are your personal interests? What are Cher's rules for flirting through text messages? Maybe top things to do, I guess, but also, some red flags that you should not be doing when you're trying to flirt with your texts? Cher Gopman: Yeah. First of all, I think if you are trying to flirt through text messages, it's okay to use emojis here and there. You don't want to overuse them, because that'll come off as too eager. But you do want to use a little bit of an emoji just to show that it's lighthearted and fun. Make sure to keep the questions on it not boring. Make sure they're always moving forward, the questions and the text messages. You don't want to stick on one topic for too long, it can become boring for the other person. Also, make sure you're moving in the direction that you want. Keep the conversations fun and lighthearted so the person is interested to continue the conversation. Don't be afraid to send a photo of somewhere that you're located, somewhere that you're at that's interesting, that shows that it reminds you of the person for whatever reason. Or say a song just came on and that reminded you of the person, you can say, hey, I'm listening to this song and it made me think of you. Show that interest and that common ground and then it'll make the other person excited as well. wikiHow Staff: Thank you so much for those tips. And then my last question (sorry about the bulk of questions related to flirting) is, I think we might have touched on this in our first conversation, but one of the biggest problems or obstacles some people may have is maybe they're introverted or they're just shy when they're related to going out and meeting new people. But besides bringing confidence to them, I'm curious, if they are at that stage where they're meeting them and they're just shy naturally or introverted. What would you tell them to not do in that moment if they're maybe nervous or if they're--I don't know, something to make them more calm and natural when they're flirting? Cher Gopman: If someone is nervous, how do you make them more calm while flirting, is that the question? wikiHow Staff: Yes. Cher Gopman: I think talking about something that you're passionate about or something that you have a lot of knowledge about is going to make you a lot more calm during the conversation. Sometimes we end up talking about things that we think the person we're talking to wants to talk about, but we know nothing about. And that's just going to add to our nerves. But talking about something that you know a lot about is going to make the conversation go a lot better, or talking about something that you enjoy, something that you are passionate about, that passion will shine through and also help with the nerves. And then before you even start talking to someone, before even--say you're going on a date. I always say, before you even walk into meeting that person, take a deep breath in. And by doing that, you're going to end up lifting up those shoulders, standing up straight, it's going to help give you that natural energy back in. And then you're going to walk in the room already feeling confident. So from the second before, maybe before you even go to your seat, listen to music that you like, listen to your favorite song, get into the mood to really calm yourself so that you can start the date off right. And then try not to overthink it and just try to really be present in the moment. And really focus on the now and not on the future of what she's going to think of you after the date, or before the date, but really focus on the now. wikiHow Staff: I appreciate that. Yeah, don't think about what's happening after. Just be in the here and now and everything will work out, hopefully. And so as we now transition to some questions about dating, we were talking about this culture of customizing our preferences and what we want and what we definitely don't want. On the flip side of that, I think I assume it's healthy to start to have a set of some qualities or traits you would love to have in a person or a partner. I'm curious, what topics or traits do you think someone should heavily consider or start to consider when they're starting to explore the realm of people they can date? Cher Gopman: What should they look for in somebody, basically? wikiHow Staff: Yeah, essentially. Yeah. Without getting too materialistic or artificial. Cher Gopman: Right, right, of course. Well, I think you have to ask yourself first, what is important in your life? Is there any hobby or something that is important in your life that you want someone else to do and have that person included in? So I would first make a list of--also you just want to ask yourself, maybe look back at your past relationships and decide what you like and what you didn't like about them, what worked and what didn't work, so that you can come up with your ideal partner, brainstorm from there. I would look at bad dates that you had in the past and kind of recognize what you didn't like about that date and what would you have preferred, so you kind of have an idea. Also I'd say take a personality test. Personality tests are very big nowadays, especially in Google and things like that. So that can tell you what you could be looking for and what will be best for you. I have a bunch of [inaudible] for this one, though. As they think about their life and what adds value to it, what do you hope your future will be like and what type of person do you think would fit into that? What are your deal breakers? What don't you want? So you know, okay, this is a deal breaker, I'm not going to even go into that. And then I'd say, what's really important to you and ask yourself, is it important if my partner has these certain characteristics? wikiHow Staff: Got it. And thank you so much for that ideation minute of figuring out what are different topics I can think about. And so my next question is, I don't know if you particularly advise your clients (or your friends who advise) to go to X place to meet another person or these people. But I'm curious, what do you think are common ways or common locations to meet new people? But also maybe what are some places that you might not be thinking about that you could potentially meet somebody? Cher Gopman: Yeah. So I think, first of all, meetup groups are great, if there's something that you're really interested in. So for example, you love wine tasting, or you're into video games, going to a meetup group that has that interest is going to surround you with other people who have that common interest. And right away, you're already going to have something that you guys can talk about and something that you share with each other. So finding a meetup group, I think, is a great one. Also going to a coffee shop and starting a conversation with somebody that's there, ask the person behind you, what are you getting to drink? and starting that conversation can help. In school, in classrooms, is a great way to meet somebody. Joining a class like an activity, like a coed league or like a dodgeball league or a kickball league sometimes is a great way to meet somebody, going to singles events is a great way to meet people. Speed dating events are also a lot of fun. And so I think just not being scared to talk to someone. If you find you're out and about and you see someone you're attracted to, taking full advantage of the situation because it's never going to be the perfect time to meet somebody. But if you see someone that sparks your interest, not being scared to say hello. wikiHow Staff: Thank you so much for that answer. And so I have two quick scenarios for you. And I'm also keeping mindful of time. So I'll ask you maybe about three or four more questions. And I'm curious, one of the most stereotypical, but also maybe common dating scenarios is going to the movies. And sometimes some people might be like, wow, I'm meeting the person for the first time. I might as well be super formal, but also some might be like, it's just the movies, I might just play it casually. I'm curious if I were to have a date at the movies, what would you advise me to not only wear, fix up my appearance, but also just know about the date at the movies--what are some common things to know? Cher Gopman: Well, first of all, for what to wear, I'd say dress casual, but something that shows off your best self, something that you feel confident in and you think you look good in. So you start the date off in a confident manner, but nothing that's like--you don't want to wear a suit to the movies. Something you would wear to the movies if you weren't going on a date, but making sure it looks appropriate for a date type of setting. And then before the date, something I'd say for you to consider going to the movies, in the movie you're not going to be really talking as much, so making sure you talk leading up to the date, you have a chance to really connect. The worst thing about going to a movie date is if you go and you really don't even talk to the person so you feel like you didn't really progress the date. These are all about progressing and moving forward. So you want to make sure you have enough time either before or after the date to really connect and have conversations so that the person's comfortable with you. Prior to the date, make sure that you talk to the partner about the types of movies they like because if you pick a scary movie and the person you're with hates scary movies, then that's not going to be a fun situation for the date. So make sure you kind of have an idea of what both of you like for movies. Also, I suggest getting the tickets ahead of time. If it's a movie theater that's going to be crowded if it's a Saturday, Friday night you make sure you want to get them ahead of time. The worse thing is you don't plan the whole date around this movie and you get to the movie and it's sold out because then you're stuck so, yeah. And just making sure you have a fun date, you're in the movies. Also when the lights go dim it doesn't mean right away you start to grab that person and start making out or you start touching the person. Make sure that your date is comfortable. You're there for the movie and beforehand, you allow yourself to progress the date by talking a lot, making sure she's comfortable. Or he's comfortable. wikiHow Staff: I love that so much. Yeah, one of the biggest obstacles is you're not talking for a bunch of the time you're actually physically together. So how do you balance those interactions, so I appreciate that. So my last two questions for our conversation today before we wrap up are related to when we were talking about just transitioning, maybe from getting more serious or taking it to the next level. And I'm curious, how would you transition from flirting to actually asking somebody on a date? So I know this is a very common scenario for social media applications, like when you're messaging on Tinder, Bumble, it's kind of hard to figure out when I can ask that other person just let's go do something. Cher Gopman: Yeah. Well, for online dating, I always suggest first it's usually best to have at least five exchanges back and forth at least before asking for the date. That's usually what we suggest, at least five back and forths before asking for the date. Unless you see something in their profile that really sparks your interest and you can just right away go ahead and say, hey, this is so interesting and let's meet over coffee and talk about it. But when it comes to flirting in person and you find someone that you're attracted to, you're interested in, and you're talking, you're having a great conversation. Something that I recommend doing is during it say, hey, find a common interest that you both like and say, we should totally do this sometime. And if the person you're talking to says, yeah, sounds good, right then and there, you can say, hey, yeah, let me grab your number, I'll set it up, or however you want to go about it. But finding that common interest and making plans right there and then for the future is a great way too. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, mutual interests are easy, and also a good platform. Oh, continue. Cher Gopman: Yeah. Also online, the same thing. You can do that online, even if the person you're talking to says they love to go on hikes, you can say, oh, that's awesome. I'm actually going on one Sunday. Do you want to join me? Finding something that you guys can do together is a great way to progress. Also, if you're in person, you meet somebody and you're interested in them and give your full name and you want to know how am I going to ask for their number or not? Having somewhere that you say you have to be, it's going to make you realize you have somewhere you have to be, then you can say, like, oh, I have to run but let me grab your number we should grab a drink sometime or we should hang out sometime. If the person who you're talking to says yes, then that's a great way to do it. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, I love that little tip. It could be a little hack too if you really don't have something after but you want to make it feel as though there is some urgency there. So we just breezed through 12 to 13 various questions related to flirting, dating, and eventually getting to that dating or relationship stage. And I wanted to say thank you again, our deepest gratitude here at wikiHow for chatting with us again for this project. Page