wikiHow wikiHow Staff: I'd like to open up with some basic questions about flirting. How do I show that I'm interested in my crush? Joshua Pompey: To show interest in a crush you want to definitely be on the playful side as far as communication goes, when it comes to text messaging, or in person interactions, keep things right, keep things friendly. As far as just body language, some playful touches here and there, try to break away from being in the friend zone and in subtle ways just communicate that there is potential on more of a romantic and physical level. wikiHow Staff: So that playfulness is a big part of showing that you're interested in being more than just a friend. Joshua Pompey: Yeah, but I think that playfulness should also be playful in ways that show romantic interest or that show physical interest as well, as opposed to just being silly and cracking jokes all the time. So you want to communicate to your crush here and there that you are interested in those subtle ways. wikiHow Staff: Okay, Okay, got it. That leads into my second question, which is how can I be more seductive when I flirt? Joshua Pompey: The key if you're a woman to be more seductive when you flirt is to avoid being too serious or treating the person you're talking to, like they're one of the guys, or like it's an interview and like I said, getting a little physical at times, some touches on the arm when you're making points or maybe grabbing a hand here and there and then letting it go for a split second, things like that, really making sure that you're physically prepared for the date in a way that's seductive, such as, whether you're a guy or a girl, dressing ways that you would dress if you were interested in seducing somebody, for a guy that might just be your sharpest looking outfit, for a woman it might be something a little bit on the sexier side, making sure that your hair is done off properly, your makeup should have some effort put into it and if you're going to seduce someone, then you have to actually take the steps that will make that other person raise their eyebrows and say !maybe this is a person that would work for me”. wikiHow Staff: Basically what I'm hearing you say is that you want to make those signals really clear. Joshua Pompey: Yeah, definitely you need to put that effort in, if you're going to seduce someone, you have to actually go that extra yard and put the effort into your physical appearance as well as the way you interact and making it known that they're an object of interest to you. wikiHow Staff: If you were in a slightly different situation, specifically, like an LGBTQ relationship. How can you tell if a guy likes you? Joshua Pompey: If you're an LGBTQ, if you're a guy, for example? wikiHow Staff: Yes. I think it would be guy and guy since LGBTQ. Joshua Pompey: Do you mean more relationships or more just interested as more than friends? wikiHow Staff: Whichever you feel more comfortable answering, I think. Joshua Pompey: I think that the signs in an LGBTQ, I think the signs overall would be rather similar to a heterosexual couple in the sense that if a guy is interested in another guy, there's still going to be that playful flirting and, you're still going to get indications with both body language whether it's eye contact or playful and flirty way of speaking or light touches here and there. I think that, if you're paying attention to the signs that they will be there, in regards to attracting someone of the same sex, I think the approach is similar as well, at the end of the day, it's just about showing that interest and going about it in a way that makes a person take notice. wikiHow Staff: If somebody perhaps was feeling like, as a gay man, their dating pool wasn't as large, what should they consider if they're wanting to meet new people to date as a gay man? Joshua Pompey: There's always different outlets that you can try. Sometimes you have dating apps for example, where they get reputations as being more towards hookups and things like that. So sometimes it might be worthwhile to just try sites that are more geared toward relationships like match.com or sites of that nature that do now have a gay side to the site where a guy can look for another guy and can look for a relationship, but if they keep pursuing people through dating apps or a through areas that are known more just for hookups, expecting a different result may not be entirely realistic. The other outlet is to try and meet people through friends, go to social gatherings, places where you're engaging with serious minded people that are interested in more. wikiHow Staff: Would you say generally that to find serious minded people that dating apps and websites are helpful for straight and gay identifying people? Joshua Pompey: They definitely are, I do think that sometimes the gay community can face a bit more challenges in that regard in the sense that sometimes there's the issue of not as much of the demographic is willing to settle down or on that same plane, but wherever you look, whether it's a dating app or a relationship site, if you do your due diligence, and you filter out profiles properly, and really make sure that you're going into it with the mindset of “I'm going to only interact with people that seem to be at my level”, you'll definitely find more than your fair share of people that can fill that role. wikiHow Staff: So it's a matter of doing your due diligence. Okay. Switching gears a little bit to talk more about overall communication. What would you say is good texting etiquette when communicating with a potential date? Joshua Pompey: Prior to the date? wikiHow Staff: Yes. Joshua Pompey: Is this if you met online or just in general, just anywhere? wikiHow Staff: Just in general or both, whichever. Joshua Pompey: Okay. If you're texting leading up to a date, whether it's in line or online or someone you met out and about, we live in a very fast paced world where a ADD runs rampant and everybody has their phones on them 24/7 so you want to stay in their phones to an extent without being overbearing or clingy or coming on too strong. So, I think it's good to keep up some casual text every other day or every couple days prior to meeting the person, just so that you're still in their mind, you have their attention and you can use texting as a means for building up the excitement as the date gets closer and keeping that interest strong and at the optimal level prior to meeting. wikiHow Staff: Okay, that's cool.I know that once upon a time there was this three day rule or whatever. But now, everybody knows you've got your phone on you. You definitely had time during those three days to talk. Joshua Pompey: Yeah, so I always say that the three day rule is something that needs to be put to bed forever, because in the past, when people still only answered the phone in their houses or everyone didn't have cell phones, it might make sense that you didn't get around to calling someone for a couple of days, but the world has shifted so much technologically speaking that we all have our phones on us 24/7, so, if you go, let's say, two or three days without texting someone after, let's say a good date, it doesn't make you look like you're not desperate, it just makes it seem like you're a jerk because we know you have your phone on you 24/7. So I think that it's more about just don't overdo it with texting and don't blow up their phone to the point where they get sick of you. You want to keep that balance between somebody enjoying your text message and looking forward to them but not overdoing it to the point where you are not still maintaining somewhat of a chase or some little bit of mystery. wikiHow Staff: How do you keep a conversation going with a boy? Joshua Pompey: When it comes to keeping conversations going, you just want to avoid the small talk and everyday questions and you just want to get into what's going on in your life or start out with a funny story or whatever it is. So let's say you’re gonna text someone, I might start the text with “wow, you won’t believe what my coworker just did”, where you say something like “have you seen this new Netflix documentary? I'm watching it right now, it's so crazy dot dot dot”, and then just let the conversation naturally evolve. When you start conversations in a more natural way, it's A. more entertaining and B. it looks less desperate than just saying, “Hey, what's up?” because that makes it look like oh, you're just sitting around, doing nothing but thinking of them. So create more of a spontaneous feel and then once you're already talking, that's where you want to try to be a little flirty every now and then use that conversation as opportunities to progress the attraction and interest level. wikiHow Staff: That makes a lot of sense. Just thinking about the conversations I've enjoyed with people, starting with “what's up” never feels like the perfect point. Okay, well, I guess on a slightly more somber note, how do you know when a guy is not interested in you anymore? Joshua Pompey: A lot of things, first you gotta trust your instincts. If it feels like something's off, more often than not, there is something off so the biggest sings are when the text messages fade compared to early on in the courtship, when guys start disappearing for longer periods of time, if they are asking you to hang out, but the dates are showing less and less creativity early on, or they only want to hang out indoors or they only ask you to hang out after 9 o'clock or 10 o'clock at night,these are all signs that a guy lost interest in pursuing you on a relationship level and maybe he's more interested in just trying to keep something physical going. Like I said, if the texting slows down dramatically, it's a strong sign that they're slowly progressing towards ghosting or ending things. It’s simply that, happens to me and happens to girls, I’m married now but it's happened to me, it happens to girls, it happens to everybody at some point if you date enough people, it's just the way the world is now. wikiHow Staff: Talking about other relationship red flags, how do you stop falling in love with your friend? Joshua Pompey: That's a really tough thing. I think that truth be told if you are falling in love with your friend, I don't necessarily think there is a way to stop falling in love with them unless you meet somebody else and strongly come to terms with the fact that this person is not interested in you and if you A. can't come to terms with the fact that they're not interested in you or B. are unable to develop feelings for someone else, because you're interested in them, I think unfortunately, you have to do the hard thing and then just break up with the friendship until those feelings dissipate or go away. wikiHow Staff: That would always be a difficult position to be in. It seems so natural when you're friends with somebody, you feel like you have that emotional connection. So it's hard to break away from that. Joshua Pompey: Yeah, definitely. Sometimes things do develop romantically but it varies based on the case. But if it's a point where it's clearly on the unrequited, and it's never going to be then, you're only doing yourself a disservice by keeping such close ties. wikiHow Staff: How do you get over a guy fast? Joshua Pompey: I've always thought the best way to get over someone is to just start dating again and even if you're not necessarily ready to jump into a relationship, just seeing what's out there, seeing that there is potential that it's going to be okay eventually, that will speed forward the process, by dating other people. Occasionally this can make things worse at the beginning because you might compare the first couple of dates to your ex and it can be depressing but the more people you go out with, the more that's going to be in the rearview mirror and you'll be able to get over it. The other thing is just to stay active, stay busy, when you're with someone for a long time, you get so used to that person as the best friend in your life that it's hard to enjoy things without them because everything you do makes you think of them or want them to be around, but by surrounding yourself with friends, doing things you love to do, over time, you're going to slowly,start to feel like life is good and life is fun without that person still in the picture when you’re doing things that make you happy. wikiHow Staff: I feel like in past times, even if I'm dealing with other life problems, focusing on friendships and focusing on the present really helps. Joshua Pompey: Yeah, definitely. Sometimes if you’re really really struggling, talking to a therapist or just getting it off your chest to a close friend can really be a huge help as well. wikiHow Staff: Thinking more about the start of relationships. How do I stop being shy around my boyfriend? Joshua Pompey: That's something that just takes time, the more you interact, the more conversations you have,eventually you're going to be more and more comfortable with the person, and if you are shy and you do lack confidence, self improvement can help with that as well. Just work on yourself and figure out “okay, what makes me shy? What makes me a little insecure?” and then try to tackle those issues head on. wikiHow Staff: So it sounds like it's something that just over time as you focus on yourself, it'll get better. Joshua Pompey: Over time you develop a rapport with someone and if you're in a relationship, those things are going to naturally dissipate over time as you get to know each other and get more comfortable with each other. wikiHow Staff: How can somebody stop being jealous when their boyfriend goes out? Joshua Pompey: First and foremost, you have to ask if there's a reason that you are distrusting them. So if they're giving you good reason, or engaging in behavior that’s suspicious, then you have a right to not trust them. On the same token, if it's somebody that is going out with his friends all the time on weeknights, or going out late on weekends without you and they're past a certain age and it’s not really the standard behavior for whatever demographic that person is then you have a right to be a little bit jealous about what the person is doing, but if none of those things are going on, and you're the type of person that can't let your friend go out with his friends once in a while or gets jealous anytime you're talking to another person, that's a reflection on your insecurities and you have to fix yourself and work on yourself and figure out where these insecurities are coming from, why you're feeling this way and deal with those head on because in the end, behaviors like that and not having trust will destroy the relationship over time. wikiHow Staff: A cautionary note. Would you say it's normal for feelings to fluctuate in a relationship? Joshua Pompey: I think that feelings can fluctuate, but it should never be too far from the mean. So, if you're in love with someone and then the next day you feel like you're not and the next day you feel like you do, that's a really bad sign. You might feel a 10 one day, and a 9 the next day and not everybody’s gonna have their heart pumping and adrenaline rush every time they see someone, but I do think it should be very consistent for the most part how you feel about somebody. wikiHow Staff: As a relationship, you don't always feel 1% over the moon every day, but still consistent over time. How does one go about treating their girlfriend right? Joshua Pompey: When you're with somebody you need to put the effort in. Women these days especially appreciate chivalry because that can be lacking at times with certain people. Planning dates that show that you are paying attention to what your partner is interested in and what she likes, little romantic gestures here and there, surprise gifts, you want to show that you're thoughtful, whether it's a set of gifts or planning a date, that you're in tune to what she likes, that doesn't have to involve big financial investment. Sometimes the best gifts can be free or as little as a few dollars, one of the best dates, for example, but you do want to just have a courtship that shows you're interested and you want to pursue that person and make them happy on every level. wikiHow Staff: Oftentimes, it's the little gestures, a small note or a coffee on a bad day that means a lot. Joshua Pompey: Yeah, definitely. Sometimes just even a framed picture of a great memory can be infinitely more, something from Etsy where it's a homemade gift that maybe taps into a common memory you shared, can be infinitely more satisfying to someone than spending $3 or $2 on a pair of AirPods because they want it wikiHow Staff: What should you do if you're caught in a love triangle? Joshua Pompey: Can you be more specific? Like if you're the guy and two girls, like you are a girl and two guys like that? wikiHow Staff: Could you just try to answer in the general sense? Joshua Pompey: If you're caught in a love triangle, you just have to make a decision and go with that. Because if you try to juggle things or piece both people, it's just going to wind up hurting somebody or both parties and in the end, you're going to be the one that's left alone. Sometimes it's tough. Sometimes you might like both people, but at the end of the day, you’re just gonna have to figure out who it is you want to be with and be honest with the other person. wikiHow Staff: I feel like that's advice that a lot of the protagonists in the books I read, should take. I want to be respectful of your time and I know that we only had half an hour but thank you so much for taking the time to chat with me about this. I was really excited that I got to interview you because I feel like especially at this stage of life, it's always fun to hear about dating tips and all the nitty gritty things that people do. Good and bad. Joshua Pompey: Absolutely, I'm really glad that I can help out and I do appreciate you providing the interview as well. Page