wikiHow wikiHow Staff: Why don't we start with some questions about dating. So first, I was wondering what are a few maybe inexpensive or easy date ideas that you can plan if you don't have a lot of money? Mark Rosenfeld: Yeah, I always say the best date, the best dates are always free. And I really truly believe that some of the best dates, the best dates always involve movement. Even flirting and just getting to know someone, there's a movement of energy between two people. And that's why dinner and a movie are very stagnant dates, they facilitate a lot of conversation, obviously, at the movies, you are not even talking, you know, more often than not it feels like an interview. So the best date ideas are always ones that involve movements, I'm a huge fan of, of walks, walks around rivers, walks through places you enjoy, exploring, anywhere that you just get really curious about that you would want to move around could be a shopping mall, could be a games arcade, that's pretty inexpensive. Whatever it is, even a bowling alley, basically any date where you know, there's going to be a lot of movement, where there's a movement for people. And if you do get you know, you know, grab takeout and walk somewhere with it and you know, sit down on a park bench. As long as you're moving around, as I say, a personal favorite of mine is universities, because they're beautiful. They're just very pretty. There's lots to look out for. And there's usually a really good energy around you. Just pick somewhere that you want to explore, hey, I've always wanted to check out a tattoo shop. Hey, I've always wanted to check out this arcade. wikiHow Staff: What tips do you have for introducing your romantic partner to your family? Mark Rosenfeld: So I think a couple of things, just in prep, make sure that ideally you're exclusive. First of all, introducing a partner to a family when you haven't established that you guys are not going to date other people in the future. You don't have to be boyfriend, girlfriend, put a big label on it or anything. But if you haven't even thought of said, there's no confirmation that this person isn't going on other dates with someone else tomorrow, especially more conservative families who can make assumptions that problematic and non exclusive couples. So ideally, you've had the exclusive conversation first. Don't make a big deal of it. Ideally, you don't want to do sort of like a big family dinner or a high pressure situation, keep it fairly relaxed. Yeah, try not to make it a high pressure long situation. If you can do an initial sort of, I guess, quicker meeting to begin with. And try not to abandon the partner. Yeah, their situation with the family just to begin with. Keep it light, keep it relaxed. You could do something like a board game or something like that. But keep it simple, basically the first time around. And I guess obviously prep your partner, you know your family better than anyone. So if there is, you know, don't talk about this stuff. Just kind of give them some prep so that they can know what to expect. wikiHow Staff: Totally. How should you choose between two people? You're kind of in that weird place in the beginning of a starting relationship? Like how should you make your choice? Or what things should you think about when you're maybe comparing two people to form a relationship with one of them? Mark Rosenfeld: Yeah, I think it's good that there were a number of factors there. I think it's a good idea to know what you want. First of all, are you looking specifically for a committed relationship? Are you looking for something more casual? If you are looking for a committed relationship, then how does that look? What sort of specific healthy relationship traits do you want? I really advise clients to look at traits that need to be proven over time. Do we have chemistry? We tend not to forget traits like, does this seem like a good guy? Do we have fun together? We'll kind of take that stuff in automatically. But what we tend to leave out is traits that need to be applied over a period of time, things like, does he consistently respect me? Like, does he treat me well, when he's stressed? Do I feel consistently secure with this person, we tend to forget the measures that take time because they're not as exciting. But those are actually the ones that create the safest, most solid, long term relationships, to really look at the traits that require a time to be measured. And I always say a good relationship should feel more like a sort of a safe ocean, like a calm ocean than a roller coaster. So as a general sign of a good secure relationship, you're not looking for that fantastical chemistry 10 out of 10, it's more like a six out of a chemistry with a really solid friend. But someone who feels really solid and secure. And how about just having a list of your own? Like, as I say, if you know you want a relationship, have a list of things you want in both, not just a guy, but in a relationship as well. And bounce back to that, you know, look over your list. wikiHow Staff: This next question is very general. But if as a guy, like, what are some things you can do that women find very attractive? And I realized that's like, a very, very general question. So it's totally fine. If your answer is very general at all, as well. Mark Rosenfeld: Have passions that you love, and follow them. Number one, exercise and take care of your body. Number two, Be courageous. And take action with women. Number three, and by taking action, I mean, if you like a woman, ask her out. If you're on the date, go for the kiss. You know, if you want to sleep with her, invite her home. As a man, you women are looking for courage, and they're looking for directness. And so have the courage to do that. Number four, receive it well, if they tell you no, a lot of hours get thrown off by women who say no, when sometimes if, if the woman feels respected and no might become a not yet I'm not comfortable with you yet. But a lot of guys receive no as badly and then when it gets to them, as opposed to just being with her in the moment where she's at. Obviously, dress sense comes into it as well. You know, don't don't dress like a slob, women will notice your parents. Don't be afraid to stand for something or state your opinions is probably a better way to put it. You know, if you have opinions, state them. And from there, the woman will decide. But yeah, either way you have an effect on her as opposed to being wishy washy. wikiHow Staff: That's awesome. Okay, and now moving on to some questions more about flirting. So what can you do to attract women without talking to them? Right, I guess kind of relates to those things you just described to but if there's anything else more specific Mark Rosenfeld: So again, same as last time, take care of your physical appearance. You know, your body, whatever that means to you, care about how you show up? Just be aware of fashion. Ah, well make strong eye contact. Look for eye contact. If it's received, if she doesn't look away, then that's an invitation to talk. Are we only talking offline here or online as well? wikiHow Staff: Online makes sense as well, especially nowadays. Mark Rosenfeld: Well, I guess leaving voice messages kind of comes under the banner of talking to them. But women do notice voice messages online, they notice your voice. So you're technically not talking to them directly. But that's a very attractive thing, because most guys are texting, have a great energy, when you're texting, that would typically also be a non talking thing. Really, though a lot of attraction for men is about looking the part number one initial attraction, looking the part, and then being able to detect when she wants to talk to you. So look for eye contact, look to see if she smiles back, if you get those signs. You got to say hi, you know, you got to start a conversation. She's not going to go away. wikiHow Staff: Yeah. Awesome. And then what can you do to flirt with a guy that's not too obvious. So maybe some subtle flirting? This is coming from the perspective of a woman. Mark Rosenfeld: So obviously, things like good eye contact right at the beginning, holding eye contact, then leading into smiling, that's not too obvious, the invitation is holding eye contact, and you need to hold eye contact quite a lot. Especially if you haven't talked to a guy yet. You do actually need to be quite obvious. Men don't want to get rejected. But they still usually have to start the conversation. So a man kinda needs you to be obvious to say, Hey, you know, I want you to take a risk, come over and say hi to me. So you can be a lot more obvious than you think with your eye contact, and it doesn't matter. Like it won't make you easy, I promise. Once you're actually in conversation, and you're talking about things like subtle touches of the shoulder, of the elbow, good eye contact, your body facing him. Yeah, having your chest face him, all the body language pieces. You can also, I guess, offer flirting tools, you can have playful little competition with him. You know, they're just really fun. Men love competitions. And men love women because men get the chance to have fun with women. And that's where a lot of men get out of their heads and into their bodies when they're women. So any playful little competition is really good. Something you can challenge him on and have fun with. And the other one is, it's his technique you've probably heard of called push, pull. And push pull put very simply, is where you are pushing the guy away with your words, but you're pulling him in with your body language or your actions. So in other words, you might look him in the eyes and say, we could never date and you smile. So you look him in the eyes and you smile. That's all very warm body language. It's very intimate, but then you say we could never date so you're pushing him away. And it's kind of cheeky, and it sends mixed messages. So another example would be getting really close and sort of really touching him out close and whispering in his ear. “I hate you”, and then smiling. It is the kind of thing that pulls him in with your body language and pushes him away with your verbs. And that's a pretty classic flirting technique. Probably the other thing is teasing him. If you can have fun, teasing him, it's not bringing him down, but it's just kind of teasing him for being silly. A lot of hot guys are used to being put on pedestals or used to being adored. So if you kind of bring them down from that pedestal for being a dork or being goofy, or whatever it is, you can really have fun teasing him. wikiHow Staff: Totally. Yeah, that's awesome advice. Then, I was wondering if you had any advice for flirting? For shy people. So maybe people that feel shy and awkward both as, like the one that's trying to flirt? And then also if you're interested in someone that's kind of shy or awkward? How do you make them feel comfortable flirting? Mark Rosenfeld: Yeah, so as the one who's trying to flirt, something I tell my clients a lot is shyness is learned. It's not like someone is shy. And I know that because let's say you're on your own in the shower. And if only you were home, or let's say you're hanging out with your best friend, your best girlfriend in the whole world. I bet you're not shy in those circumstances. Right, you're actually more of yourself in those circumstances. Whereas we kind of learned shyness around people we don't know so well, and I've certainly done it. I've come from a background of social anxiety as well. So shyness was something we learned and to some extent, especially for introverts, it's a good thing to work on. I'm learning. It doesn't happen overnight. But the best advice that I use for myself and a lot of my shy clients is just learn to start conversations. A lot of my clients need to focus more on social skills than they do on learning skills to begin with. Starting maybe with eye contact, getting to just smiling and then just getting to high introductions. Honestly, the best advice for a shy person is to get up and talk to 100 people, attractive or not, and really make a project of that. Once you're getting into conversations, you know, then you can worry about getting more sexual or getting more in a job or doing kind of little body language. But yeah, it's a real challenging thing for a shy person, because a lot of their time they're worried or anxious about the impression they make. So for shy people, this goes beyond just wording. This is like confidence. And being able to talk to people really is an essential life skill. So as the shy person, I'd really encourage you to focus on starting conversation, focus on getting into conversations with everyone. Start with people who intimidate us, it might be elderly people, it might be the same gender, strangers, and then work your way out by starting as many conversations as possible, as often as possible with the people who intimidate you the most. Once you're doing that, then you can worry about upping the flirting scale. As for if you have a shy person with you? It's a little bit different for men and for women. I don't know if you want me to be specific with the genders? wikiHow Staff: no, I think more general is better. You can talk a little bit about both too, if that's easier. Mark Rosenfeld: Yeah, so I mean, the thing is, you can only do so much. And shyness can sometimes look quite similar to avoidance, as in avoidant attachment, be around intimacy. And that can also look quite similar to that person just not being guided into you. So when you're on the other end, you're interacting with a shy person. Often they can look like they're also not that into you, often they can also look like they're avoidant. But it's kind of the same thing, all you can really do is hold space and make your intentions clear, not make them any more shy or uncomfortable. And then from there, let the chips fall where they may. Now where it's a little bit different for men and for women is, if you're a man dealing with a shy woman, often shy women will be happy to follow your lead for quite a period of time. And if you're a guy, and you know, you ask her out, or you're not getting much, but she kind of is at least responding to you and at least receiving and does seem to want to go out with you, you can kind of keep doing that and see if she becomes more comfortable for quite a period of time. But as a woman, most women I work with don't want to be doing the heavy lifting for too long. It's too masculine, and it's too annoying for them. So as a woman, it's more like, just make your interest clear with the shy guy. And if he doesn't act, when your interest is really clear, like hey, it'd be great to catch up one on one, hey, it'd be great to even go on a date, get a drink sometime. If you've made your interest clear. As a woman, it kind of devalues you to continue to do that, on the assumption that the guy is shy. Yeah, most women who end up in those relationships just end up feeling like they're doing all the work because they like, their masculine energy, resenting the guy. But for the most part, if the guy doesn't respond to your interests, you're better off just assuming he's not that into you or he's not ready for a relationship right now. And moving on. And look hopefully if he really is shy, he'll kind of grab his balls and you know, get to asking you out before someone else does. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, totally good advice. And then what are the best ways to tell a girl that she's beautiful? Mark Rosenfeld: I think you've got to wait for the right moment. And I think sometimes a little bit too much focus in our society gets put on words, the focus on I love you, the focus on telling her that she's beautiful, and, and too little can get put on actions. You know, a woman's gonna really appreciate a genuine compliment, you're beautiful. But to be honest, a woman's going to appreciate way more a guy who just consistently shows up for you and goes for what he wants in his life is attractive and loyal to her and brings her along with him. If you want an ideal moment, you know, wait until the third date, the fifth day, wait until you've got a good connection and rapport. Find an intimate moment towards the end of the night. I'm imagining you know outside or after sex. Have some kind of nice moment and really look her in the eyes and make sure it comes from a genuine place. Now, there's not gonna be any perfect moment as long as it's genuine and it's done at the appropriate time, a woman's going to appreciate it. But I do sometimes think that the beautiful compliment gets a little bit fantasized by Disney and put in the same box as I love you. When I think of you say a lot more by consistently showing up for her, being loyal to her, being vulnerable with her, taking the lead protecting her. And overall, a woman's not gonna may be quite as momentarily exciting. But overall, the woman's going to be a lot more appreciative when you do those things. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, totally. Really great point. How can you hold someone's hand? Like maybe for the first time without making it too awkward? Mark Rosenfeld: I think it would be fine, you've got to be direct with it. And you've got a risk of rejection. Generally, the awkwardness comes from you trying to fumble next to your side and kind of grab your hand. And if she doesn't want to hold your hand, she pulls it away. And that's when it gets really awkward. Yeah, she wants to grab it, it's fine. But if you sort of do the subtle one, and then she pulls away, you've got a really awkward spot. As opposed to if you're out with a girl and you're walking with a girl, and you sort of you're a half step ahead of her. And you know, you get a little bit of space, you stick your hand out, you look at it, you literally look at your hand, you look at her, and you look back at your hand, you make it really, really clear what you want. And that way she'll either do it and love it, because you've been super clear and direct, or she won't. But then you've at least been courageous about it. And she'll have to give a really clear answer, which will be like a headshake. Or not yet, in which case, you can make fun of it or point it out and it's not weird afterwards. Yeah, you can say something like, dammit, I tried, you know, you can be direct about it. And again, it comes back to what I was saying before, if you can take a note. Well, a woman will actually appreciate that. When you get rejected, she'll be like, Oh, you know, I can reject this guy. And he's not going to freak out on me. If he goes to kiss me later. And I don't want to kiss him on stage. He's not gonna freak out. So going for a handhold is a really good opportunity to either get the handhold or show the woman you're not a weirdo when she rejects you. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, really good point. What are a few ways to casually ask a guy out if you're a girl? Mark Rosenfeld: Super simple. I'm assuming you're talking to the guy at this point. So if it's an in person conversation, you're talking to the guy again, focus on talking to him before you're worrying about getting asked out. But when you're talking to him, you'll be talking about his stuff, you'll be talking about your stuff. So it's as simple as when he brings up something he does take his dog for a walk, goes to tennis, and likes to go to watch Rugby, whatever it is. You say, hey, it'd be fun to do that sometime. Hey, great to do that sometime. Let me know if you'd be interested or you'll have to introduce me to that. That's literally saying I'd like to do that with you. But I'm not going to do it for you. But I'm merely going for it. So if it's the same thing, if it's over text. Hey, you have to introduce me to that. You'll have to invite me along sometime. That sounds fine. You'll have to show me some time. Yeah, it's okay to show interest, just don't do it for him. wikiHow Staff: Yeah. And then how can you reject a guy without you worrying about hurting his feelings? What are some ways to nicely reject a guy? Mark Rosenfeld: We focus a lot on not hurting people's feelings. And it's really beautiful. But we also have to understand that men need feedback as well. So it's okay if their feelings are hurt sometimes. As long as you don't do it maliciously. Then it's okay to hurt people's feelings. If you're honest, if you're being genuinely honest, and you hurt someone's feelings, that's not the end of the world. And in fact, that's actually what probably toughens the guy up for future rejection. So you really just do it in a way that's honest. And if it does hurt his feelings, be okay with that. Hey, you know, I don't feel the connection between us, and I'm just going to be honest. And when the guy asks you out, he says, Hey, it'd be great to do this sometime. Like, honestly, it's not really something I'm interested in doing. It's much better if you're honest. So the guy can absorb your honesty rather than worrying about protecting his feelings. Honesty first. wikiHow Staff: I just wanted to be mindful of your time. It looks like I have another call right after this. So I have to run off. We did not get to three questions. I can send you these over email if you just want to write out a few responses if that works, or we can just schedule another call for later on and add some. Well, thank you so much. Page