Talk to them privately Sometimes calling someone out in front of others can prompt them to be defensive. Pull your friend aside to talk about what was said in a gentle manner. “Hey, so you said something about that woman’s nationality a little while ago that bothered me--can we talk about that for a bit?” Repeat their words Your friend might recognize an inadvertently offensive statement by repeating it back to them. “Where are you really from?” “‘Where are you really from? Are you really asking that?” Question their statement This can help the speaker rethink what they’ve said and how it was offensive. “That’s so gay!” “‘That’s so gay’? What does that word mean to you? Genuinely curious — what about the situation is ‘gay’ to you?” Educate them Often times, people may say offensive things out of ignorance. If you think this is the case, give them a short, congenial explanation of why it’s offensive. “You’re a lesbian? You don’t act or dress like one!” “Homosexual people express themselves in many different ways. We come in all forms, shapes, and sizes, just like heterosexual people.” Explain why the comment bothered you Be direct about why their comment was hurtful. If you two are friends, they’ll hear you out and understand. “What you said about bisexual people being ‘indecisive’ or ‘just a phase’ was really hurtful to me. As a non-binary bisexual person, it’s offensive to have my sexuality dismissed and I want you to understand that being sexually fluid is not just a hobby or stepping stone to ‘choosing’.” Treat them like an ally Despite how hurtful it may have felt, treat your friend like an ally in the situation. If you two are friends, odds are, they didn’t mean to offend you and just made a mistake. “Sometimes straight people don’t always understand the full spectrum of gender and sexuality. I know you didn’t mean to be hurtful, I just want you to understand me and others a little better.” Critique the comment, not the person Use “I” statements to show that you’re not criticizing your friend, but only what was said. “I know you’re not a homophobe, it’s just that your comment was homophobic.” Note future expectations Set boundaries with your friend about what kind of comments you’d like them to avoid saying in the future. “My sexuality is my own to decide and share with others as I like. So, in the future, please don’t define my sexuality to others, even if you think you’re helping set me up. It’s something I have the right and honor to do myself.” Note consequences If your friend refuses to listen to you or starts to defend their offensive comment, make it clear that your friendship will suffer. “Look, if you can’t understand why what you said was offensive and you don’t want to hear me out, I don’t think we can be friends. I have zero tolerance for bigotry and outright ignorance.”