Identify moments when you’ve felt yourself blame others. “If she would have been ready to leave earlier, we wouldn’t be stuck in traffic right now.” “If he would just be more mature, I wouldn’t have to yell at him all the time.” Ask yourself what feelings you’re trying to cover up when you blame. “I think I’m feeling guilty because we’re going to be late, and I know how important this dinner is to her. I feel like I let her down by not planning for traffic.” “It bothers me that he’d rather watch TV or play video games with his friends than spend time with me. It makes me feel like I’m not important, and that makes me feel vulnerable.” Accept those feelings and let yourself process them. “It’s no one’s fault that we’re stuck in traffic. The fact that I feel guilty and upset for being late is a sign of how much I care about her.” “I get defensive when I feel like I don’t matter, and I yell at him to make myself feel better.” Realize that blaming someone else usually makes the situation worse. “By blaming her, I’m just going to start a fight. Then we’ll be angry by the time we get there, and we’ll still be late.” “Yelling at him just makes him less likely to listen to me or give me his attention.” Be kind to yourself and know it’ll take some time to break out of the blaming habit. “It feels good to blame her for it, but it’s better if I don’t blame her for it.” “Yelling and blaming him lets me vent my anger, but it doesn’t solve anything. If I work on ending the blame cycle, he’s more likely to listen to me and help solve the problem.”