Manipulation
Your partner might try to influence your decisions, actions, or emotions by making you do things you’re not comfortable with, ignoring you until they get their way, and using gifts to win you over. All the bolded items on this list are tools of manipulation.
Examples:
“You need me to do anything right.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“All of my friends and I are gonna be drinking, and it’ll be weird if you don’t, so have a beer. Otherwise I’m going to be really upset.”
Intense jealousy
Your partner lashes out or tries to control you, getting upset when you text or hang out with other people (specifically people they feel threatened by), accusing you of flirting or cheating, exhibiting possessive behaviors, inciting jealousy, or stalking you.
Examples:
“I know why you wanted to hang out with Lisa last night and not me. I’m not dumb.”
“Mike is great and you should be jealous and worried!”
“I’m not paranoid, I have the right to track your location.”
Isolation
You partner may try to keep you away from friends, family, and others by using “it’s me or them” ultimatums or making you feel entirely dependent on them for love, acceptance, and/or money.
Examples:
“Oh, so you’re choosing your friends over me?”
“Look at how you’re acting, Heather is obviously a bad influence on you.”
“You’re family will never love and support you like I do.”
Guilting
Your partner might make guilt you into taking responsibility for their emotions, actions, and thoughts or guilt you about having your own life. Sometimes the guilting is more subtle, like making a joke or playful quip.
Examples:
“You made me feel this way.”
“You’re taking ‘you time’ tonight again?”
“But if we don’t have sex tonight I’ll feel deprived and so bad about myself that I’ll have to go out and cheat on you!”
Belittling
Your partner might call you names, make rude comments, or make fun of you in order to gain power over you. Some of these comments may be disguised as jokes.
Examples:
“That’s so cute you think you’re a real artist.”
“You’ll never get a real job in those clothes.”
“Don’t waste your time trying to look pretty.”
Sabotaging
Your partner may purposely try to ruin your reputation or success.
Examples:
Making you miss work, school, or other obligations
Keeping you from schoolwork
Starting rumors and gossiping
Threatening to share your secrets
Gaslighting
Your partner twists your words until you feel you can’t trust your own memory, perception, and overall reality.
Examples:
“You’re the one who’s being difficult, always starting a fight.”
“Your friend is lying to you, please tell me you’re not that dumb?”
“I know what you’re thinking and that’s not how it went.”
Volatility
Your partner may have unpredictable overreactions that lead to yelling, getting violent, threatening to hurt you or destroy things in order to incite fear in you. You might feel like you’re constantly “walking on eggshells” in their presence.
Examples:
Extreme mood swings
Slamming doors
Slapping or hitting walls
Breaking dishes
Throwing things at you (even soft things)
Blaming
Your partner may deflect responsibility for their unhealthy behaviors and blame you for them.
Examples:
“You’re the reason I have to drink so much!”
“I’ve been cheated on before so I have every right to be suspicious!”
“It’s not my fault you can’t understand the reality of the situation.”
Betrayal
Your partner may act differently around you than other people, cheat, lie, or not tell you things in order to monopolize power in the relationship.
Examples:
Being a kind, charismatic, social butterfly around others (but grouchy to you in private)
Lying about their activities when you’re apart
Withholding the full truth (to conceal betrayal or use as leverage/ammo in the future)
Insulting you behind your back
