wikiHow wikiHow Staff: Okay, it looks like I have some questions about crushes, questions about relationship advice, kind of questions about communication. So we can just start with some questions about crushes. So do you have any tips maybe for someone who wants to ask someone for their number? Or ask someone? Yeah, for the number, like, a way to communicate with them, but they don't really know, like, where to start or anything? Jessica Engle: Yeah, so are you saying like somebody that they don't know very well, and they're wanting to get their number so they can talk more? wikiHow Staff: Yes. Like, I don't know, maybe someone at a bar or restaurant or a friend of a friend. And they're interested in them. And they want to ask them for their number, but they're nervous. Jessica Engle: Sure, yeah. So first things first, it's totally normal to be nervous. And that shows that you are being really courageous and brave. So just remember to appreciate yourself for taking a risk. And take some nice deep breaths, feel your feet on the ground. And remember that most people will feel very flattered when they are being asked for their number. And it's generally a good idea to have a little bit of a conversation before asking for a phone number. See if you can ask them a little bit about who they are and their interests. But even if you can't think of anything to ask, it's better to engage in any conversation than none. And just remember that most people will not even notice how nervous you are. I think a great thing that you can say is, I am really interested in getting to know you more. I'd love to give you a call some time. Can I have your phone number? And, you know, yeah, I'll just stop there. wikiHow Staff: Probably, it's more that the lead up is more nerve-wracking than actually asking. So I like how you kind of kept it simple and then gave tips on leading up and how to wrap your mind around it. Okay, the next question I have is, what are some things someone could do to impress someone they like, maybe not go overboard, but they really want to impress someone and get that person to like them? What could they do? Jessica Engle: Yeah, I would actually say that. This is a tricky one. Because I think that when people hold interactions with that intention, it can really stop them from building a positive relationship with the other person. So I would encourage them in the first place to shift away from thinking about impressing them or trying to get someone to like them, because what that's going to do is frequently going to make them act in a way that's inauthentic, which is going to mean that the other person will probably pick up on that and may not be interested. So first and foremost, would be to really be focusing on how they can connect with that person, whoever that person genuinely is. And in order to do that, we have to listen and ask good questions. Help them feel comfortable and safe. And so I would just sort of put the attention more on how I can help this person enjoy themselves and less on how I should be acting. wikiHow Staff: That's really good advice. What are some things someone should know, before they decide to start hooking up with a friend like, I don't know if you've experienced any of your clients, some like, friendships gone bad, or I guess just some thingns to be aware of before you make that decision? Jessica Engle: Yeah, I think it's really normal for friends to develop attraction over time or want to experiment with a different way of being in a relationship. I would say that it's really helpful to talk about it openly with your friend, and talk about what you're both wanting or expecting. And to also talk about, what would you do if one of you decided that you didn't want to continue any sort of physical or romantic relationship? How would you deal with that in friendship? And it is always a risk, you know, relationships are always changed when we add a physical or romantic component. But that change can be really lovely. And for some people, they find that going through that experience deepens the relationship. For others, they find that they, you know, realize that that's not what they want to do with their friends. And that's really important information. But I would say that the key is having open communication. wikiHow Staff: Totally, yeah. And having that before you jump in, so you're not having those conversations and potential disagreements after you've formed that romantic, physical relationship. Jessica Engle: Yeah, exactly. You want to make sure you're both on the same page in terms of expectation. Totally. wikiHow Staff: Awesome. Okay, these next questions are a little funny, but what do you think is the best way to say goodnight to your crush? So I'm in with this question. I'm thinking, maybe texting or on the phone, maybe for a younger demographic? Jessica Engle: Yeah, I think that one thing would be to sort of talk briefly about what you enjoyed from interacting with them that night. Say something like “you know, I really loved talking with you tonight, it was really interesting hearing about X, Y, and Z”. And then you can let them know that you're really looking forward to seeing them again. And if you have a specific, you know, date scheduled, you can talk about that and say, like, “I'm really looking forward to seeing you in person on Tuesday. I'm having a really good night”. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, I like that. Great. Okay, we're gonna move on to some questions about relationship advice. So I was wondering if you had any advice for someone who was recently broken up with and they're feeling pretty down? Jessica Engle: Sure. So it's very, very normal to feel sad, depressed, or anxious after a breakup. And the most important thing would be to make sure that you are getting support. So reaching out to friends, family, a therapist if you need, and talking about your feelings. The other thing to know is that grief can feel very sort of permanent. Like, it's gonna keep going, your heart's gonna be broken forever, but that is not the case. Even though it feels very intense. You will get through this period and be able to, you know, feel good again, and even fall in love again. wikiHow Staff: Totally, I think it's easy to kind of get into that mindset of this feeling will never go away. And it's so important to just have the long term goal in mind and realize it will go away. It's just tough in the moment. So yeah, really good advice. Okay, next question I have is, if someone has struggled with this in the past, and maybe even in their current relationship, how can they work on being more loyal to their significant other? Jessica Engle: When we’re saying loyal here, are we talking about sexually loyal? wikiHow Staff: Yes. Jessica Engle: Okay. Yeah, I mean, I would say that it's important to really examine why they were struggling with being loyal previously. For some people it's an indicator that it's not the right relationship. For others, It's about maybe some long standing, emotional struggle. Maybe things related to childhood that they need to resolve. for other people. They're naturally non-monogamous. So I think, first and foremost, they need to do that assessment, either with themselves. You know, with a professional to really make sure that they know why that was happening. And based on that there's a lot of things that they can do to manage that tendency. wikiHow Staff: Yeah. Okay, great advice. Do you have any advice for someone who feels like they're always falling in love? So maybe someone who falls for people very quickly, quickly develops those feelings. Jessica Engle: Wow. Yeah, first, you know, what a beautiful thing that your heart is open enough to fall in love that easily. There are a lot of people in the world who don't have that capacity, and really wish they did. So first, just to see it as a strength. And also to know that falling in love is different from developing a healthy relationship. So developing relationships that last over time is a skill, it's something that we can learn. And even when we have lots of different feelings, we can continue to relate to the people in our lives, including our romantic partners with integrity, and in a way that really allows the relationship to thrive. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, totally. Okay, great advice. So what should someone do if they're in love with a coworker? So maybe they're worried about people finding out or their company? I guess, do you have any tips on how to navigate being both interested in a coworker and also having a relationship at work? Jessica Engle: Yeah, I often really encourage my client to ask about this, to clarify what their company's policy is on relationships. Because some companies are completely fine with it. Others have a much stricter policy, or you have to sign a form to first and foremost get really clear on your company's policies so that you can make good decisions based on that. It's really common to fall in love with or become interested in someone you work with. It's one of the number one places we meet people that we get into a relationship with. And so, you know, I would say, you would, based on what you learned about your company's policies and your own assessment of what kind of risks you're willing to take around your job and profession. If it seems like it's important to you to build a relationship with that person, you just want to have an open conversation with them about your interests and about what they're looking for, and whether they're willing to also take that risk of having a relationship with somebody at work. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, totally. I feel like it's adding a whole another layer of bringing in your professional life and just the nature of being at work. You're seeing that person every day. And I feel like lines can get blurred really easily. So just having that open dialogue is really important, I think. Okay, this next question is, do you have any advice for someone who's in love with someone who's married? Jessica Engle: It's funny, my snarky responses, go to therapy. Yeah, I mean, so snark aside, that sounds like a really tough situation to be in. And I think it kind of depends on what's happening with this other person and their marriage. You know, some people who are married are in love and really happy with their relationship, and others are sort of on their way out. So I think just because someone's married doesn't mean that, it's not black and white, essentially. Totally. So if they're really truly unavailable affects what this question means that they're married and they're therefore unavailable, then you are going to need to do your best to direct your attention elsewhere to meet other people, to find other people who you may fall in love with. And yeah, I think that It can be hard to fall out of love, when we are really hyper focused on that person. So getting some distance, reducing the amount of time that you see them, the contact that you have with them, is going to enable you to move on. wikiHow Staff: Totally, yeah. Good advice. Okay. Let's see. Okay, how could you keep a relationship casual and fun, and not develop strong feelings for that other person, like, if maybe you're starting a relationship with someone, and that person's told you that they just want it to be casual and fun, and you're worried that you might develop deeper feelings. Jessica Engle: So the things that help us bond to another person, our time spent together, touch and emotional self disclosure, sort of like vulnerable self disclosure. So if you're wanting to keep things more casual, then you would want to just make sure you are limiting all of those things. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, that definitely makes sense. Jessica Engle: Probably, also not a very good idea. If you're thinking you're going to develop feelings for someone, and the other person doesn't want to develop those feelings for you to maybe kind of reassess what you're doing is setting yourself up for a heartbreak. wikiHow Staff: Okay. This next question is how can someone get their ex to fall for them again? So maybe they're upset about the breakup, they're still in love with them. They want their ex to fall in love with them again, is there any way to do that? Or is this a good idea? Or what are your thoughts surrounding that? Jessica Engle: Yeah, so we can't ever make anyone fall in love with us whether they're an ex or not. Yeah. And generally, from what I've seen, there's a relationship. And because it's not the right relationship. If somebody if you've broken up, it's generally a good idea to move on. If you do decide to try and rebuild your relationship with your ex, you would just want to be really honest with yourself and know that, again, you can't make anyone fall in love with you. So you'd be taking a risk with your heart if you were to go down that road. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, totally. It's a good perspective. All right, let's see. Do you have any tips for someone who might be worried about being too needy or too clingy with their significant other? Jessica Engle: Yeah, that's very common. There are a lot of people who are afraid of that. And the truth is that there is no one right amount of quote unquote “neediness”. Everybody's different. And some people want more closeness or less. And so I think the key is really finding someone who wants a similar level of closeness. If you're finding that you are having a hard time, just sort of functioning on your own. It's sort of unmanageable how much you're needing or clinging, then that's a good sign that therapy would be important to get into. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, I really like that. Finding someone who has that same level of neediness, but yeah, I like that. That's a good way that it should never be a problem because they just kind of reciprocate your feelings of clinginess, and that's awesome. Okay, yeah. Oh, sorry. Were you gonna say something else? Jessica Engle: Well, I was just gonna say, I think, for a lot of people, they end up feeling like they end up telling themselves, they're needy or clingy because somebody else has given them that impression. So it's, you know, it's not that for a lot of people they are actually like, “Oh really?” It's just that the other person is uncomfortable with what they're asking for. Yeah, that's a really important distinction. wikiHow Staff: Yeah. And then that obviously causes some leveling of anxiety if you think you're needy and clingy. So yeah, that is a really good distinction. Okay, looks like I have three more questions. And these are kind of more about communication and anxiety around communication. So do you have any tips on maybe how someone can get better at small talk? Jessica Engle: Yeah. Number one, if you're somebody who doesn't like small talk, because it means talking about things that don't interest you, you start talking about the things that interest you. So if it bores you to talk about the weather, if somebody asks you about the weather, you can answer briefly, but then redirect the conversation to something else you really enjoy talking about. Don't be afraid to take charge of the conversation, you'll be much better at quote unquote “small talk” if you're actually interested in what you're talking about. The other thing to know is that when any of us get anxious, we have a really hard time accessing the social skills that we usually have when we're not afraid. And that has to do with the way the brain is designed. So if you're feeling really anxious, the main thing there is to learn how to manage that anxiety because chances are, if you're able to calm yourself down, you're going to be able to engage in small talk much more easily. So learning anxiety reduction skills, like meditation, deep breathing, affirmation, or working with an anxiety specialist, would all be great ways to deal with that. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, really cool, too. Great. pieces of advice to that. Okay. So kind of similar, and very similar. So if the answer is the same, totally fine. But I'm wondering if you have any tips for people who have a hard time talking to strangers because of their anxiety? Jessica Engle: Yeah, so that's super common. And social anxiety is one of the most prevalent forms of anxiety. So they're not alone in that. And so, number one would just be to remind yourself that that's a very normal, uncommon experience. And, you know, when we criticize ourselves for having that experience, that actually only makes it worse. So doing your best to be really kind to yourself, if you realize you're having a hard time talking to a stranger. And then I would say, like, really focus on listening to the other person and trying to, you know, ask them, trying to find something that they're really excited about. Yeah, you can even ask, point blank, like, what really excites you? What's something that you're really passionate about? And once you see the other person really engaged in what they're talking about, chances are that's gonna reduce your anxiety quite a bit. wikiHow Staff: Yeah, definitely. That's such a good tip. Okay, last question I have: What can someone do to maybe appear more approachable and kind of open for conversation so that they can get to know more people maybe form some relationships? Jessica Engle: Yeah. Great. So roll your shoulders down and back, make eye contact, smile, and take your earbuds out of your ears. Page