Try your best to have a clean breakup If you feel your relationship isn’t working but want to stay friends with your partner, make sure you have a clean breakup. Hurt feelings are unavoidable, but there are ways to mitigate the emotional damage. * Don’t drag things out until you resent each other so much that you can’t stand to be around each other. * Don’t be wishy-washy and give them hope for the romantic relationship. * Be kind and firm, showing them respect that they’ll appreciate down the line when you are friends. Examples: “I respect you and I think it’s best if we break it off now. I know you’re a great friend—I just don’t feel like we’re compatible as romantic partners.” “I think we have different needs when it comes to romantic relationships and that’s okay. I think you’re great and I hope we can be friends again when we’re ready.” Take time apart Trying to rush into a friendship immediately after breaking up is not a good idea, as it won’t give you time to nurse any emotional wounds. You are ready to be friends again once both of you have no romantic feelings for each other. Note that some people need healing time than others. Examples: “I think it’s best if we wait a while before trying to be friends again.” “I still have some emotional healing and am not ready to be friends again. What about you?” Think it through Before making contact with them to be friends again, ask yourself the following questions to make sure that your motives are clear and benign: * Why do I want them in my life as a friend? * Am I secretly hoping that we’ll get back together? * Do I still have romantic feelings for them? * What qualities do they have that I want in a friend? Keep hangouts light and fun When you are both ready to be friends again, make plans to hangout in situations that are light and fun (not romantic or suggestive in any way). Examples: “Hey, want to grab a pizza and watch the game tomorrow?” “I’m going to an arcade with some other friends this weekend, want to join?” Avoid old patterns Be sure to shake old “couple habits” when you’re re-establishing your friendship (e.g., romantic inside jokes, pet names, sweet gestures, and checking in via text). Examples: ✗ “Hey, so our song came on today and I couldn’t help but remember the first time you sang it to me…” ✓ “That song just cracks me up now whenever I hear it.” ✗ “I’d be happy to walk your dog this week—just like old times.” ✓ “No, I can’t help you with that. That’s a little too girlfriend-duty-ish, haha!” Avoid flirting and hooking up If you want to be friends with your ex, treat them like a friend. Flirting will only confuse them and lead to unnecessary drama. Along those same lines, hooking up is definitely off the table! Examples: ✗ “I miss the adorable way you bit your lip when you wanted to kiss me…” ✓ “Hey, miss you, pal! Glad we’re on the same page with being friends.” Don’t think of them as your ex The sooner you think of them as a friend the sooner you’ll start to feel that way, too. Avoid labeling them as your ex when referring to or introducing them. Examples: ✗ “This is Bryan, my ex.” ✓ “This is my buddy, Bryan.” Prepare to deal with jealousy As a friend, odds are that you’ll witness them flirting and even dating someone else. Don’t be surprised if this feels awkward (it’s supposed to be) and if some feelings start to come up. Remind yourself why you broke up in the first place and be happy for your friend. Examples: “Honestly, it’s pretty awkward seeing you with someone else but I guess that’s normal for now. You two seem great together and I’m happy for you.” “I know this might be weird coming from me, but I think she is awesome and I’m happy for you.”