How to Talk Less and Listen More

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Learn to say what you mean without oversharing
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Worried about oversharing? Afraid that you hold the spotlight a little too long during conversations? Communication is a balancing act of speaking and listening, but it’s often best to speak less and listen more. We talked to experts for their advice on how to help you talk less and listen up, as well as to show you how speaking more purposefully can improve your life instantly.

How do I talk less?

Certified career and life coach Adina Zinn, MPA, says to think about what you’re about to say and ask yourself if it’s necessary, important, or relevant to the conversation. Ask yourself if you can say what you mean in just a few sentences, rather than a long, rambling lecture.

Section 1 of 3:

Talking Less

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  1. Before you speak, ask yourself if what you're saying truly adds to the conversation, and avoid talking when you're not really contributing to the conversation. Certified career and life coach Adina Zinn, MPA, tells us it’s about “speaking when you have something that you want others to hear, not necessarily when you think you have the most impressive or important thing to say.” [1]
    • For example, if you’re talking to someone about hiking, telling that story about the time you got lost in the woods would be appropriate! It wouldn’t be appropriate, however, to cut someone else off to tell your story—it’s not that important.
    • People tend to listen to those who choose their words carefully. Someone who's always sharing their opinion or telling stories may lose people's interest over time. If you have a tendency to talk too much, you may find yourself constantly sharing information unnecessarily.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Adina Zinn, MPA , is a Certified Career & Life Coach with five years of experience, specializing in using a holistic coaching approach to help people achieve their career and life goals.

    Lynn Smith is a former news anchor and current Media and Executive Communication Coach.

    Christine Ferrera is an etiquette coach based in Fontana, California, who focuses on communication, image & style, and comprehensive etiquette.

  2. Learning to speak less means learning to think about your words to avoid rambling. Before saying something, try to think about the words you're going to say ahead of time. This may help you learn to keep certain things to yourself, leading you to speak less overall. Etiquette coach Christine Ferrera says to strive to be clear and concise, and to avoid filler. [2]
    • If possible, before you speak, ask yourself what you’re trying to say—what the most important part of your message is—and how you can say it in just a few sentences.
    • People often reveal information they'd rather keep private through speaking too much. When you think of something you want to add, especially if it's something very personal, pause. Remember that you can always share new information later, but you can never make information private again once you've shared it.
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  3. Media and executive communication coach Lynn Smith reminds us not to overwhelm our audiences, who can drift away if we speak too long. [3] In general, after about 20 seconds of speaking, you're at risk of losing the listener's attention, so tune in to their reaction, and try to wrap it up if their attention is waning. [4]
    • Watch their body language . The listener may fidget or check their phone if they're getting bored. Their eyes may also begin to wander. Try to wrap it up within the next 20 seconds and give the speaker a chance to share.
    • In general, try not to talk for more than 40 seconds at a time. Any longer than this may make the listener feel irritated or talked over.
  4. Smith says that many people often talk too much due to underlying social anxiety or because of pressure. [5] Pay attention to when you're talking a lot. Do you feel anxious? If so, work on coping in other ways. [6] For example, take 3 deep breaths —5 seconds in, 5 seconds out—before you speak to calm your nerves.
    • When you find yourself speaking too much , pause and evaluate your mood. How are you feeling? Are you feeling anxious?
    • Try giving yourself a pep talk before social events. Remind yourself that it's okay to be nervous, but you should relax and try to have fun.
    • If social anxiety is a major problem for you, consider seeing a therapist to help navigate that.
  5. Oftentimes, people speak to fill empty space or to handle awkward silences. But often, this can come across as forced, or even more awkward than the silence itself. [7] When you come across an awkward silence, just let it sit for a beat or two without breaking it. Awkward pauses are natural, even among best friends, and there’s no need to pretend they must be filled immediately.
    • If you do need to break an awkward silence, do it by asking the other person a question instead of making a comment. This puts the attention on them instead of giving you the opportunity to ramble.
    • Otherwise, it's okay to offer a polite smile and let the silence happen.
  6. Ironically, talking more can do the opposite—it can turn people off rather than impress them. Usually, people are impressed by those who say what they mean and don’t try too hard. Zinn tells us that one way to avoid this urge is to focus on listening rather than on what you’ll say next. [8]
    • If you tend to talk too much to impress others, try to remind yourself that others will be more impressed by what you say than how much you say.
    • To avoid talking about yourself too much, reserve your input for moments when you can contribute something valuable to the conversation.
  7. 7
    Consider the context to tell how much talking is appropriate. There’s a time and place for every conversation. If you’re delivering a presentation, less is more, and you want to say only what you mean without rambling, Smith reminds us. [9] But if you’re having a good time with friends, it’s alright to loosen up and talk more, especially if they’re responding well to what you’re saying. Don’t be too hard on yourself or try to stop talking altogether. It all depends on the context!
    • Still, even in a casual hangout, it’s good to step out of the spotlight and let other people talk. It’s all about finding a balance.
  8. Don’t take speaking less to mean not asserting and expressing yourself. If you have a serious concern or an opinion you feel is important, do not hesitate to speak up. Part of speaking less is knowing when it is valuable to share. [10]
    • For example, if you're going through a serious problem in your personal life, it's okay to share with others if you need support.
    • It's also important to share if your opinion could be valuable. If you, say, have a strong opinion about something at work, it can be beneficial to share with your boss and co-workers.
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Section 2 of 3:

Listening More

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  1. Zinn recommends minimizing anything that takes your attention off the speaker, especially your phone. [11] When in a conversation or listening to a talk, keep your phone in your pocket and your mind on the speaker.
    • Keep your eyes on the speaker most of the time. If you find other thoughts creeping in, remind yourself to return to the present and listen .
    • It’s okay to look away from time to time, if it’s hard to watch and listen at the same time, but nod now and then to show you’re listening.
  2. Eye contact shows you're paying attention and that you’re engaged with what the speaker is saying. Meet the person's eyes as they talk to show them that you're paying attention and present. A lack of eye contact can come off as rude or disinterested. [12]
    • Eye contact can also let you know if you're boring someone else. If someone breaks eye contact while you're speaking, you may be talking too much. Pause and give the speaker a turn.
    • Don’t overdo it, though! In general, 7-10 seconds of eye contact at a time is plenty. When you’re not making eye contact, you can look thoughtfully into the distance or down at your hands.
  3. Listening is not a passive act. While the speaker talks, it's your job to listen to what they're saying, process the information, and decide what you think about it. This is called active listening . Don’t just think about what you’ll say next—ask yourself what’s being said, what they mean, and any questions you might have about it. [13]
    • It can help to try to picture what's being communicated. Create images in your mind that represent what the speaker is saying.
    • You can also try to latch on to key words and phrases while the speaker talks to help you absorb the information.
  4. In any conversation, it will eventually be your turn to share. Before doing so, however, make it clear you were listening. Paraphrase in your own words what the speaker said and ask any questions you have. [14] Then say, “Did I get that right?” Or, if you want to hear more about something, ask! Asking lots of questions is great for letting others speak without stepping on their toes or hogging the spotlight.
    • For example, if someone complains about stress, instead of telling them how stressed you are, say, "Where do you think this stress is coming from? Do you want to talk about that?" You can circle back to your own stress or stories later.
    • Make sure to be empathetic and non-judgmental as you listen to the speaker. You can express respect and validate their position without giving up your own position.
  5. Zinn tells us to withhold our judgment when we’re listening to someone else to help us stay engaged. [15] When someone says something we disagree with, it’s easy to close off and stop listening, but that’s not very productive. If you find yourself making judgments about someone, pause and remind yourself to focus on the words. You can analyze information later. When listening, just focus on the speaker and leave judgment behind. [16]
    • Again, this is where asking questions is a great tool! If they say something that sparks doubt or disagreement, ask them about it. Say, “I’m a little confused,” or, “I’m concerned about what you just said. Can you clarify that?”
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Section 3 of 3:

Benefits of Speaking Less

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  1. 1
    Talking less makes your audience more engaged. If you want people to pay more attention, the key is often saying less. When you talk too much, your audience tends to check out if they decide it’s not interesting or if there’s too much filler. But when you say less, your audience pays more attention. It’s easier for them to digest the info, but also, they cling to every word you say, because every word seems important. [17]
  2. 2
    Talking less enhances your attention and understanding. Zinn reminds us that when we’re truly listening and not just waiting for our opportunity to speak, we become a better and more thoughtful audience. [18] It helps you understand what you’re told more easily, and can really impress your friends, coworkers, bosses, and anyone else with whom you regularly speak. They’ll know that they can count on you to pay attention and learn.
  3. 3
    Speaking less makes you more patient, introspective, and creative. When you’re constantly filling the room with noise, you’re not thinking or processing information as much. But when you stop talking and let others take the floor, you start thinking through things, questioning your thoughts and feelings, and allowing room for new ones. [19] This makes you a deeper and more profound person.
  4. 4
    Talking less makes you more interesting and mysterious. When someone always says what’s on their mind or overshares, other people might feel like they’ve “figured them out” or that future conversations won’t be as interesting. [20] But if you practice only speaking when you have something to say, people start to understand that everything you say is important, and they’ll listen when you do speak.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    When I'm at school, I try to listen to my teacher talking, but then the person who sits next to me says something funny and I start talking to them. What can I do?
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    If you are noticing you are becoming easily distracted in class and it is making it more difficult to focus on the teacher, then first respectfully ask the other person to not talk to you when the teacher is speaking. You can also try to ignore the other person sitting next to you while the teacher is speaking. If these strategies don't work, then you can switch to a new seat where there is less distraction. (If there is an assigned seating area, approach the teacher and inform him/her of your concern).
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      Tips

      • If you're not sure when to speak up or not, think of the acronym THINK to figure it out. T: is what you're about to say TRUE? H: is it HELPFUL? I: is it INTERESTING or INSPIRING? N: is it NECESSARY? K: is it KIND?
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • It sometimes helps to keep a small journal or diary to write your thoughts in, if you feel the urge to speak often. This is a great way to express yourself without having to talk all the time.
      • Try relying more on your nonverbal communication instead of speaking all the time: nod to indicate engagement, smile or frown to show happiness or displeasure, etc.
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      References

      1. ↑ Adina Zinn, MPA. Certified Career & Life Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Christine Ferrera. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Lynn Smith. Media and Executive Communication Coach. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/06/how-to-know-if-you-talk-too-much
      5. ↑ Lynn Smith. Media and Executive Communication Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ https://counseling.uiowa.edu/self-help/30-ways-to-manage-speaking-anxiety/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/embrace-the-awkward-silence.html
      8. ↑ Adina Zinn, MPA. Certified Career & Life Coach. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Lynn Smith. Media and Executive Communication Coach. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201809/how-speak-yourself-wisdom-and-courage
      2. ↑ Adina Zinn, MPA. Certified Career & Life Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/eye_contact_dont_make_these_mistakes
      4. ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/active_listening
      5. ↑ https://ucdenver.edu/docs/librariesprovider7/resources-/active-listening-skills.pdf?sfvrsn=7fb564b9_2
      6. ↑ Adina Zinn, MPA. Certified Career & Life Coach. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://today.duke.edu/2019/06/how-practice-active-listening
      8. ↑ https://www.edutopia.org/article/talk-less-so-students-learn-more/
      9. ↑ Adina Zinn, MPA. Certified Career & Life Coach. Expert Interview
      10. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-you-need-more-silence-in-your-life
      11. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/11/conversations-key-to-wellbeing

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If trying to think before you speak hasn’t helped you speak less, try paying attention to how long you’ve been talking. As you speak, check your audience’s body language to see if they’re paying attention, and stop if they seem bored or distracted. Though it might be uncomfortable at first, learn to be ok with silence, and try not to worry about impressing other people with your conversation skills. To learn more about how to listen more from out Social Worker co-author, keep reading!

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