How to Fix Avoidant Attachment: A Guide to Healing

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Learn how avoidant attachment affects relationships
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If you’ve found that your avoidant attachment style is causing issues in your life, you may want to fix it. Although changing your attachment style isn’t something that can be done overnight, using a few simple strategies can help you develop more secure relationships. We’re here to show you how, along with various relationship experts and psychologists. Read this complete guide on how to fix an avoidant attachment style and begin making your way towards secure attachment.

How to Stop Avoidant Attachment

Become more self-aware by taking note of your emotions, needs, and wants. Trace the root of your avoidant attachment by analyzing your past relationships. Work on learning how to regulate your emotions and challenge avoidant thoughts as they appear. As you progress, openly and respectfully express your emotions.

Section 1 of 7:

How to Stop Being Avoidant

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  1. Increase your self-awareness by meditating and regularly checking in with yourself to see what you’re feeling, experiencing, and what you want and need. Take note of your triggers and what you struggle with, as well as what you enjoy. Not only does this help you become more in-tune with yourself, but it is crucial for building a secure-attachment style. [1]
  2. Your attachment style is believed to be formed through your past relationships, especially those earlier in life. [3] So, reflect on those relationships and be objective. Consider how you were treated and how other people’s actions made you react to the world. Ask yourself whether you felt comforted or cared for in your past relationships so you can start to figure out what you need to feel secure and overcome your past wounds.
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  3. Logical thinking can halt avoidant tendencies. When you feel yourself feeling the urge to withdraw or experiencing negative emotions about expressing your feelings, try asking yourself a series of questions to see how rational these thoughts are. Getting into the habit of doing this can help you overcome your avoidant attachment style. For example, ask yourself questions like: [4]
    • “Is it a fact that someone is being too needy, or is it just a thought?”
    • “Does my past bad relationship mean this one is also bound to be bad?”
    • “Am I being too harsh about this person based on a single event?”
    • “Does spending more time with this person really mean that I’m not self-reliant?”
    • “Am I assuming this is just the way I am, and that I can’t change?”
  4. Regulating your emotions is crucial for overcoming avoidant attachment, as it will allow you to avoid emotional withdrawals. Start by exploring your behaviors, emotional reactions, and impulses to get a better understanding of why you do the things you do. Once you’ve gotten the why, practice mindfulness, label your emotions and let the painful ones go, and dedicate time to calming down and relaxing when you’re emotional. [5]
    • Think about responding instead of immediately reacting.
    • Don’t react until your emotions are under control.
    • Take deep breaths, count to 10, or take a walk to help you calm down.
  5. Journaling helps you keep track of your progress. Keeping a daily journal of your emotions gives you the chance to understand patterns in your relationships and feelings. This can be a great way to work out your feelings and to provide yourself with insight into how your attachment style functions in your daily life. [6]
    • When journaling, ask yourself prompts like, “How did I express myself to other people today?” or “Do I have any fears about my relationships right now? Why?”
    • Be sure to go back and read earlier journal entries every week or so. You might be surprised by your progress.
    • Georgoulis also suggests writing out the things you tend to avoid and would like to do. Set small realistic goals, face them one at a time, and break them down into small, manageable steps. [7]
  6. Take your time moving past avoidance. It’s tough to transform your entire attachment style in a day, especially when you aren’t comfortable being open or vulnerable. But by opening yourself up gradually, you can see real changes in how you relate to others. Slow progress leads to solid improvement, so try taking one of these actions each day:
    • Spending time with someone when you’d rather withdraw.
    • Confessing a weakness about yourself.
    • Asking someone else for help.
  7. Open communication keeps expectations clear. In any relationship, it’s important to have a good understanding of what each person’s responsibilities are to one another. In your relationships with others, let them know upfront what needs you have, especially in regards to privacy and personal space. This can prevent resentment from building up over time. [8]
    • You might try saying something like, “I really value my relationship with you, but having some personal space is also really important to me. What can I do to make you feel cared for?”
    • When you’re in a conflict with someone, instead of immediately withdrawing, say something like, “I think I need a break from this conversation, but I promise that we can continue it this evening.”
    • If showing vulnerability is difficult for you, say something like, “It’s tough for me to open up on my own. But if you ask me questions, I’m happy to answer them.”
  8. Rather than continuing to avoid your feelings, learn to embrace them so you can practice expressing them. You don’t have to immediately accept all of your feelings, as healing takes time, but express them as they come so you can get more comfortable doing so. Avoiding your emotions may have worked well in the past, but it can get in the way of building healthy, nourishing relationships. [9]
    • If you don’t like the way someone said something to you, kindly express those feelings instead of holding them inside or avoiding them.
  9. Let the other person know personal space is just your preference. Sometimes, people with avoidant attachment styles can confuse their preference for space with other people being needy. By acknowledging that your request for space is about you, not them, you can keep your relationships feeling secure for both you and the other people in your life. Try using “ I-statements ” instead of “you-statements.” For example: [10]
    • Instead of saying, “You’re needy,” say, “I really appreciate that you care for me. I feel the same way, but in order to feel comfortable, I also feel like I need space.”
    • Instead of saying, “You’re too demanding,” say, “I find it hard to open up to others. I know you’re a kind and trustworthy person, and I’ll do my best to open up more.”
    • Instead of saying, “You’re too clingy,” say, “I know you want to talk more often. I feel stressed sometimes when there’s pressure to respond immediately, but I promise I’ll get back to you within a few hours.”
  10. Work on empathy to see your relationships in a healthier light. Often, people with avoidant attachment styles tend to struggle to understand other people’s emotional cues. By consciously putting yourself in their shoes, you can get a better understanding of how the needs of other people aren’t something scary or to be avoided, but are instead normal and natural. Ask yourself questions like: [11]
    • “How might my partner feel about my behavior?”
    • “What needs does my partner have, and how can I best meet them?”
    • “Are my needs really so different from my partner’s? Where is the common ground?”
  11. Affection doesn’t have to be planned in advance. Often, people with avoidant attachment styles tend to think of expressing affection as only occurring within certain contexts, like having sex. But by making a conscious effort to express affection in different ways, you can ease yourself into a deeper and more secure relationship without having to think about it as a task to accomplish. For example:
    • Be conscious of your body language in your relationships. Try to sit or stand face-to-face with the people in your life and make eye contact.
    • Offer people in your life compliments and verbal indications that you appreciate them.
    • Licensed psychologist Sarah Schewitz says that if you and the other people in your life feel comfortable with it, casually touch them by making non-sexual physical contact or offering them a hug. [12]
    • Schewitz also says that patting someone on the back and holding hands are other good forms of non-verbal affection. [13]
  12. Securely-attached people give you a model for healthy relationships. Think about who in your life you might be able to describe as having a secure attachment style, whether they’re a romantic partner, a platonic friend, or a family member. Just by being around them, you can naturally begin to overcome your avoidant tendencies. Some signs that someone has a secure attachment style include: [14]
    • Comfort with expressing feelings, hopes, and needs.
    • Being willing to rely on others for support and have others rely on them.
    • An ability to communicate openly, respectfully, and clearly when experiencing conflict.
    • A sense of appreciation for their own self-worth.
  13. Opening up can be easier when it’s an activity. Research has indicated that by trading responses with your partner on a number of intimacy-building questions, people with avoidant attachment styles can make themselves more comfortable with vulnerability. Respond to some of the following questions with your partner: [15]
    • What roles do love and affection play in your life?
    • What is something you like about your partner that you wouldn’t tell someone you just met?
    • Can you remember a moment in your life that was really embarrassing?
    • Talk about a personal problem with your partner and ask them for advice. Then, ask them to tell you how you seem to be feeling about that problem.
  14. Activities like partner yoga increase comfort in relationships. Studies have shown that after participating in an intimacy-building physical exercise, people with avoidant attachment styles tend to feel more secure in their relationships. So, if you’re in a relationship, try inviting your partner to get active with you. [16]
    • If partner yoga isn’t something you’d like to try, opt for another kind of partnership-based physical activity, like rock-climbing or even a brisk jog together.
  15. A therapist can help you shift your attachment style entirely. Therapy can give you the space you need to work out some of the early childhood experiences that might have led to your attachment style as an adult. Finding a therapist trained in attachment theory can help you shift your attachment style from insecure and avoidant to secure and healthy. [17]
    • If therapy isn’t an option, try directing yourself through a self-help workbook for people with avoidant attachment styles.
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Section 2 of 7:

What is avoidant attachment?

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  1. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may have a tendency to avoid getting close or intimate with the people around you. You may also feel uncomfortable being vulnerable or opening up to others, causing you to avoid emotional intimacy. Avoidant attachment takes two forms: dismissive and fearful. [18]
    • Dismissive Attachment: You may be confident that you’re worthy of love, but view those around you unfavorably and resist getting close to them.
    • Fearful Attachment: You may believe you’re not worthy of love, hold a fear of being hurt or vulnerable, and think people can’t be trusted. You may also refuse to ask for help in times of need.
Section 3 of 7:

What causes avoidant attachment?

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  1. Psychologists theorize that your attachment style is formed during the early years of your life and influenced by the dynamics of your relationships. If your caregivers were absent or emotionally unsupportive, you may have a tendency to avoid your emotions and do things on your own. [19]
    • While this may have been a useful coping mechanism in relationships where you didn’t feel safe or comfortable, it can cause you to carry an avoidant attachment style into future relationships.
    • Your attachment style is not fixed. It can change and develop over time depending on the trajectory of your relationships.
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Section 4 of 7:

Signs of Avoidant Attachment

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  1. A big sign of avoidant attachment is a struggle to be emotionally vulnerable. You may avoid expressing your emotions to others out of fear of being judged, which can lead to emotional unavailability in relationships. If you find that you have a hard time being open about your emotions with other people, you may have avoidant attachment. [20]
  2. Those with avoidant attachment are prone to seek independence, which can lead to a life of solitude and consistent routine. While these things are comfortable, they may be an indication of something more serious if you tend to regularly withdraw yourself from other people. [21]
  3. On the surface, it may look like you’re pulling back from your relationship for no reason. Underneath the surface, you may feel uncomfortable when you get close to others, which can cause you to avoid being vulnerable and pull back from your relationships. If this is the case, that’s a strong sign of avoidant attachment. [22]
  4. You may find it hard to trust others out of fear of being hurt. This may be due to past experiences where a caregiver, former partner, or friend broke your trust. The wound that this carries can develop into an avoidant attachment style, so if you find it hard to trust others, you may want to check your attachment style. [24]
  5. If you desire to be close to others and maintain strong, solid relationships but often deny that you need that in your life, you may have an avoidant attachment style. Avoidant attachment is characterized by a strong sense of independence, which can manifest as you feeling like you don’t need to be close to anyone, despite your heart telling you otherwise. [25]
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Section 5 of 7:

How Avoidant Attachment Affects Relationships

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  1. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you have a hard time being emotionally available or vulnerable, which can lead to heightened stress in your relationships. This stress and emotional unavailability can cause you to withdraw from the relationships and search for excuses for not spending time with your partner, creating dysfunction that can jeopardize the relationship. [26]
Section 6 of 7:

Benefits of Healing From Avoidant Attachment

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  1. As you shift from an avoidant attachment style to a secure attachment style, you may find yourself becoming more comfortable with emotional expression. This expression can help strengthen bonds, leading to deeper, more meaningful connections with those around you. [27]
  2. Healing from avoidant attachment and making the transition to a secure attachment style can help you feel less lonely and isolated, increasing feelings of fulfillment and connectivity in the process. [28]
  3. As your emotional well-being increases and you learn more about your own needs, wants, and tendencies, you will inevitably become more self-aware. This can allow you to be more intentional in your life and relationship choices, as you know what you do and don’t want. [29]
  4. Healing from avoidant attachment allows you to handle tougher emotional challenges without harming your relationship in the process. For example, you may be upset with your partner because they forgot something, but as you heal from avoidant attachment, you may find that you’re no longer eager to pull back from the relationship without an explanation. [30]
  5. As you heal from avoiding attachment, you may find that you have value yourself more than you thought. Since healing from avoidant attachment involves becoming more in tune with yourself and your emotions, it can lead to increased self-respect and self-love while reducing self-doubt and shame. [31]
  6. Healing from avoidant attachment can help you better effectively express your emotions and needs, actively listen to others, and respond to people ion a healthy way. Not only does this improve your emotional intelligence, but it also bolsters your communication skills in the process. [32]
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Section 7 of 7:

How to Support an Avoidant Partner

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  1. Being with an avoidant partner may have its difficulties, but you can make it work by practically supporting your partner in their struggles. Share advice that they can apply to their current situation and validate their emotions. Give them space when they need it and be patient, sometimes avoidant partners need tangible evidence that you care about their needs. [33]
    • It may be helpful to validate the relationship itself so your partner feels reassured.

Can You Overcome Avoidant Attachment Style?


Join the Discussion...

What's it like being in a relationship with someone with avoidant attachment?
WikiDesertCaster243
WikiDesertCaster243
My partner and I have started to take our relationship a bit more seriously recently and it's been going well. Recently, my partner's therapist told them that they have an avoidant attachment style, and they asked if I noticed any of the traits. This honestly was the first time I've heard of it at all, so I wasn't sure. Is it good? Bad? What should I be looking out for in our relationship?
wikiHow Editorial Team
People with an avoidant attachment style may be very independent, feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, and have trouble communicating about feelings and being vulnerable.

To best support your partner, show them compassion and understanding, and give them space when they need it. Encourage them to open up by being vulnerable yourself, and validating their feelings when they do share them.

Don't forget to take care of yourself and make sure your own needs are being met. It can help to learn more about your own attachment style, too. If you're not sure what it is, try taking our Attachment Style Quiz .
Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
I know it might be too late, but wanted to add to this post!

With an avoidant, if you become overly focused on how they make you feel, that is the first flag. It is important to keep the focus on prioritizing your own inner signals of insecurity from within and this reflection can go a long way to put you in a more secure relationship with yourself. With an avoidant pattern coming up in your relationship, it might seem more important to look first at your partners behaviors. These might include dismissing the depth or importance of the connection with you, overly relying on sexual contact rather than emotional connection, not communicating, repeatedly missing dates, or devaluing the commitment level needed to move forward.

First, start with your own self-reflection. This is not to cast blame or shame about what you need, but actually you may need to confront some emotions that may be scaring you away from honoring your own needs for emotional connection. This is called shame, and it is usually what anxious and secure people fall into when they are with an avoidant individual.

This happens because you may not feel clear or self-assured about what you need emotionally or socially. This inner conflict may cause you to feel too ashamed to ask for more intimacy or connection, or end it if your needs are not being met.


Regardless of the type of insecurity you may feel, it is equally important to focus on your own feelings, emotions, and needs in response to your partner's avoidant behavior.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/02/5-ways-to-become-more-self-aware
      2. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-causes-and-triggers
      4. ↑ https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/20_questions_to_challenge_negative_thoughts_0.pdf
      5. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/self-regulation-for-adults-strategies-for-getting-a-handle-on-emotions-and-behavior
      6. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1
      7. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/effective-communication
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/mindfulness-insights/202312/why-its-vital-to-identify-process-and-express-your-emotions
      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
      2. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6022365/
      3. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm#
      6. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style
      7. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style
      8. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_attachment_insecurity_from_ruining_your_love_life
      9. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-causes-and-triggers
      10. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-causes-and-triggers
      11. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-signs-of-an-avoidant-attachment-style
      12. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-signs-of-an-avoidant-attachment-style
      13. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-signs-of-an-avoidant-attachment-style
      14. ↑ Leslie Bosch, PhD. Developmental Psychologist. Expert Interview
      15. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-signs-of-an-avoidant-attachment-style
      16. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-signs-of-an-avoidant-attachment-style
      17. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-how-to-support-a-partner-with-avoidant-attachment
      18. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html#Healing-Avoidant-Attachment-Style
      19. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html#Healing-Avoidant-Attachment-Style
      20. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html#Healing-Avoidant-Attachment-Style
      21. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html#Healing-Avoidant-Attachment-Style
      22. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html#Healing-Avoidant-Attachment-Style
      23. ↑ https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html#Healing-Avoidant-Attachment-Style
      24. ↑ https://www.health.com/avoidant-attachment-style-8426301#toc-how-to-support-a-partner-with-avoidant-attachment

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