How to Deal with a Family Member Who Stole from You

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How to confront a relative who took something without asking
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Most of us have experienced it: that sinking feeling in our stomach when we realize that someone has stolen something from us. What’s even worse is discovering that the thief is a family member. If someone in your family has stolen from you, we're here to help. We'll explain what to say, how to set boundaries with them, and how to work on repairing your relationship.

What to Do If a Family Member Steals from You

Let the person who stole from you know how much they hurt you. Make a plan for them to either return what they stole or pay you back. Seek counseling to repair the emotional damage done to the relationship, and end the relationship if necessary. You might also consider going to the authorities, depending on what was stolen.

Section 1 of 3:

Confronting Your Family Member

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  1. Avoid confronting them right away, especially if you’re feeling too angry or hurt to stay calm. Give yourself time to cool down and consider your approach. One helpful strategy is to write your family member a letter that you don’t actually intend to give them. Put the letter away for a few hours or overnight. Then come back to it and revise it. This will help you sort out your feelings and decide what to say. [1]
  2. 2
    Give your family member a chance to come clean. It’s possible that your family member never meant to hurt you and is already feeling guilty about it. Approach them calmly and open up the floor for them to speak up. Let them know that you would appreciate their honesty and that it would be best for everyone if they admitted what they’ve done.
    • You might say something like, “Two hundred dollars is missing from my wallet. Did you take it?”
    • Avoid letting them sway you with excuses. They may say things like “I was only borrowing it,” or “I meant to ask you, but I forgot.” Don’t let them off the hook so easily. Even if their excuses happen to be true, taking your things without asking is still stealing, and your family member needs to know better. [2]
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  3. If your relative comes clean, let them know how disappointed and betrayed you feel. If they deny the theft, explain that you know or have proof it was them, and lying isn’t making the situation better. Express how frustrated and hurt you feel. Stay as calm as you can. Don’t raise your voice or let your emotions get the better of you. Try saying something like:
    • “I am so disappointed that you took the money in my wallet. I never would have guessed that you would do something like that.” [3]
    • “I would have given it to you if you only asked. Now, I’m afraid I can’t trust you around my things again.”
    • “You’ve betrayed my trust and then lied about it. How do you think that makes me feel?”
    • This part of the conversation will probably be uncomfortable, but it is necessary. If your family member doesn’t feel remorse for what they’ve done, they may try to steal from you again in the future.
  4. Have your family member help you come up with a plan for making things right. If they took an item, they should return it or replace it. If they stole money, they should pay it back. Make a payment plan if necessary. Even if you don’t get back the full extent of what was stolen, either in amount or sentimental value, making strides toward reparations will also help you overcome the conflict as family. [4]
  5. Tell your family member what those consequences would be so that they won’t get away with their theft, even if they refuse to cooperate with you. Your consequences should depend on the nature of the theft.
    • Some possible consequences could include not allowing the person in your house anymore, severing your relationship with them, or going to the police. [5]
  6. If the person who stole from you is younger than you or is the responsibility of another family member, you may need to involve them in the conversation. Marriage & Family Therapist Allen Wagner, MFT, MA, encourages you to find another person to act as a mediator. He says, “The best thing to do is to have another family there.” He notes that a “witness in the room” can help clarify any misunderstandings so that you and the person who stole from you can give an objective perspective on your “subjective experiences.” [6]
    • If the thief in question is a minor, you may want to talk to the parent or guardian before talking to the minor. They may be able to shed insight into what's going on with the person. In addition, they may choose to discipline them in their own way.
    • You might say, "Jared stole some money from my chest of drawers—I caught him in the act. I know he's your responsibility, so I wanted to come to you before I decided on any disciplinary actions."
    • When speaking to the person who stole from you, you might say, "When people leave things in their home, they expect them to be where they left them. They feel secure at home. When you take things that don't belong to you from someone's home or any other place, you make that place feel less secure. You also jeopardize the trust you have with that person. You understand what you did was wrong, right?"
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Section 2 of 3:

Navigating the Aftermath of the Theft

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  1. People steal for many reasons. Some people steal things because they feel wrongfully deprived, while others are trying to support a drug habit or pay off debt. Children and teenagers may steal to get attention or express negative emotions. Understanding your family member’s reasons for stealing doesn’t mean you should excuse their actions, but it does give you a starting point for making sure it doesn’t happen again. [7]
  2. 2
    Give them a chance to make amends. In order to properly get past this incident, allow your family member to make things right, if they’re willing. Depending on the nature of the theft, this could mean letting them pay you back, buy you a replacement item, or make it up to you in some other way. [8]
    • Maybe they’ve agreed to do your laundry for a month in exchange for your forgiveness, or maybe they’ve asked if they could act as your personal chauffeur for a while. Whatever they’re offering, try to accept, despite the temptation to hold the grudge without budging.
    • Try giving them the benefit of the doubt. As long as they’ve acknowledged what they’ve done wrong and expressed that they want to do right by you, let them.
  3. 3
    Try to forgive them. Although it may sound easier said than done, forgiving your family member may bring you the peace you seek. If this is this particular person’s first offense, it might make sense to clear the air and then try to move on, albeit cautiously. Research shows that keeping a grudge can affect your immune system, raising your cortisol levels and impacting your body’s repair systems. Allow yourself to feel your pain and disappointment about the situation, try to forgive them, and use more discernment going forward. [9]
  4. 4
    Set boundaries going forward. Decide on the appropriate boundaries based on the situation. For example, if your little cousin stole your prized music box, you might set a boundary that they’re not allowed to be in your room without you there. If your aunt gambled away $500 of your money, clearly indicating that gambling has become a problem for her, you might ask her to seek help for her addiction before she tries to repair your relationship. Whatever the case, be firm in your convictions because you deserve to be respected. [10]
  5. Addiction is one of the most common reasons people turn to stealing. If your family member was always honest and trustworthy in the past, it’s possible that an addiction could be making them act out of character now. Express your concern to them and help them find an addiction treatment program in your area.
    • If your family member is abusing drugs or alcohol, approach them with kindness and encouragement. Tell them that you’re worried about them, not that you’re disappointed in them. If they feel like you’re judging them, they may not want to accept help from you.
  6. You may feel violated and mistrustful after someone has stolen from you, especially if the thief is a relative. Talking to a counselor can help you work through your emotions and regain your sense of trust in other people. Having someone you know and trust betray you by stealing from you is not nothing, and can significantly impact your emotional development if you don’t address it diligently.
    • You can also seek counseling to help repair the relationship with your family member. Wagner says, “I think [you probably] don’t want that person to become estranged. So, if you can get professional help and [they’re] open to therapy, that's great.” [11]
  7. It’s normal to feel suspicious of and upset with your family member once they’ve broken your trust. If this is a first-time offense, or if the theft involves a minor, a firm talking-to might be enough to ensure such an incident doesn't occur in the future. Depending on your relationship with them, they may be able to rebuild your trust . Give them a chance to show you that they understand what they did was wrong and won’t do it again.
    • It may also help to get some distance from the person until you come to terms with what happened and they are able to make amends. [12]
  8. If your family member steals from you repeatedly, you may have no choice but to distance yourself from them . Though cutting ties with a family member can be very difficult, it may be less painful in the long run than letting them take advantage of you over and over. If they steal from you repeatedly and show no remorse or signs of changing their behavior, cutting them out of your life may be your only remaining option. [13]
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Section 3 of 3:

Preventing Further Theft

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  1. Protect your money and other valuables so your family member can’t steal from you a second time. Keep your bedroom door locked, invest in a home safe, and don’t leave things of value lying around the house. If the theft occurred online, change all your passwords and open a new bank account. Discussing the impact of their theft on your emotional well-being should hopefully be enough to dissuade them from ever stealing from you again, but secure all your money and belongings just out of an abundance of caution. [14]
  2. If your family member has stolen your identity, you will need to file a police report in order to remove fraudulent information from your credit report. Reporting your family member may be difficult, but bad credit can haunt you for years, so it’s important to protect yourself from the repercussions of their crime. [15]
    • Whether or not to involve the authorities is a tough decision to make, and depends on what the person stole and what your relationship is to them. Consider whether this is a repeated offense, what led them to steal, and whether you think you can trust them in the future.
      • If you go to the authorities, your family member would be charged with petty theft for anything valued at $500 or less or grand theft for anything over $500. [16]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you approach someone who is stealing?
    Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Allen Wagner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, California. After working as a therapist at the Children’s Bureau and Penny Lane Centers, he opened his own practice in 2008. Allen works with both individuals and couples and has 20 years of experience as a therapist. Allen specializes in helping clients improve their relationships, assisting people in managing life transitions, improving communication in all environments, and identifying realistic and positive goals. Alongside his wife Talia Wagner, he authored the book "Married Roommates". He received an MA in Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Film and Creative Writing from the University of Arizona.
    Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Invite a professional counselor to help manage the conversation. Family theft situations can get really complicated, so it helps to have a professional involved.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 8 Helpful 18
  • Question
    My 20-year old niece, stole two old computers from me and some money. I love my niece, and this really makes me so worried. I also have information I need on those computers.
    Community Answer
    Confront her. Tell her you know she stole from you and you want the items back, or she needs to replace them for you. If she refuses, talk to her parents or legal guardians and ask them for help retrieving your items. If all else fails, call the police. I understand you don't want to, because you love her, but she needs to learn that stealing is wrong, and this sometimes requires a harsh lesson.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 26 Helpful 60
  • Question
    What if my husband lets his family members steal my stuff?
    Community Answer
    This is extremely manipulative and disrespectful behavior. Tell him it needs to stop right now. If it doesn't, file for divorce.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-point/201405/how-have-difficult-conversations
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201204/adolescence-and-stealing-from-family
      3. ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-is-my-child-stealing-and-what-can-i-do-advice-for-parents-on-kids-stealing-and-shoplifting/#
      4. ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-stealing-from-parents-what-you-need-to-know-now/#
      5. ↑ https://www.nevertherightword.com/what-to-say-when-you-catch-your-friend-stealing/
      6. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ http://www.aacap.org/aacap/families_and_youth/facts_for_families/fff-guide/Children-Who-Steal-012.aspx
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202309/have-we-forgotten-how-to-make-amends
      9. ↑ https://www.piedmont.org/living-real-change/what-does-holding-a-grudge-do-to-your-health
      1. ↑ https://www.talkspace.com/blog/family-boundaries/
      2. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ https://counselingcentergroup.com/family-betrayal/
      4. ↑ https://www.nevertherightword.com/what-to-say-when-you-catch-your-friend-stealing/
      5. ↑ http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/domestic-theft
      6. ↑ https://www.findlaw.com/legalblogs/law-and-life/what-to-do-when-someone-steals-money-from-you/
      7. ↑ https://www.brunolawoffices.com/faqs/what-is-the-difference-between-grand-theft-and-petty-theft/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Confronting someone who stole from you can be scary, especially when it’s a family member, but you can approach them without ruining the relationship by being confident and honest. Before you confront your family member, take some time to calm down and plan your approach. It might help to write a letter that you don’t actually intend to give them, as this will allow you to gather your thoughts. When you talk to your family member, let them know how much they hurt you so they can see the seriousness of their mistake. Instead of yelling, calmly tell them, “I’m disappointed you took my money. I feel betrayed by someone I trusted.” They may say they were only borrowing your money or other excuses, but you should stay firm and tell them they need to make things right or face consequences. For more help, including how to prevent future theft, scroll down.

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