12 Strategies to Deal With a Narcissistic Boyfriend

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Psychologist-backed guidance to deal with a bf's narcissistic behaviors
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Is your boyfriend self-centered? Does he need constant attention? Do you feel like he lacks empathy for you and those around him? These are all traits associated with a narcissistic personality—and they can bring a lot of challenges to your relationship. Whether your boyfriend has been officially diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or just has a lot of narcissistic qualities, learning how to manage his behaviors can make your relationship a lot less rocky. In this article, we’ll tell you everything you need to know about how to deal with your boyfriend’s narcissistic traits without letting them take a huge toll on your emotional and mental health.

Coping With a Narcissistic Boyfriend

  1. Set clear boundaries and enforce them.
  2. Use empathy and positive reinforcement to correct his behavior.
  3. Prioritize your own needs in the relationship.
  4. Spend time doing self care and seeing your loved ones.
  5. Seek out professional help for both you and your boyfriend.
1

Accept your boyfriend for who he is right now.

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  1. While people with narcissistic traits do have the potential to change their ways a little bit, they usually need professional help to do it. Try to take your boyfriend at face-value and let go of the hope that he’s going to make any drastic changes in your relationship. [1]
    • This might sound discouraging, but the sooner you accept your boyfriend for who he is, the better. You may even feel more at peace once you stop holding onto the hope that he’ll change.
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2

Put your own needs first.

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  1. When you’re dating someone with narcissistic traits, you might notice that his needs almost always get put first. If your boyfriend has been professionally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), it’s possible that he genuinely struggles with empathy, so it may not come naturally to him to consider and prioritize your needs.
    • Remember to prioritize yourself, too, and don’t let him steamroll you. [2]
    • You can do this with big things, like where you want to live, or even small things, like where you want to go to dinner. The more you put your own needs first, the better you’ll feel.
3

Try not to take things personally.

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  1. Some people may belittle their loved ones or call them names in order to feel like they’re better than them. If your boyfriend does this, remember that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. [3]
    • It can be really hard to stay calm and not react when someone is saying mean things about you (especially when it’s your partner). If you need to, walk into the other room and take some time for yourself before talking to him again.
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4

Set clear boundaries.

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  1. Boundaries tell your boyfriend what you are and aren’t okay with. When you’re dating someone with narcissistic qualities, you might notice that your partner tries to push your boundaries to see just how far you’ll let things go. Tell him your boundaries clearly, and set real, actionable consequences that you can follow through with if he disregards them. [4]
    • “If you belittle me in public again, I’m leaving this relationship.”
    • “I’m not going to talk to you if you keep calling me names. Let’s revisit this conversation once you’ve calmed down.”
5

De-escalate fights with empathy.

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  1. Many people who have been officially diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) struggle with feeling like no one truly gets where they’re coming from. If your boyfriend tries to pick a fight with you, calmly tell him that you see why he’s upset, and try to relate to him. The more you can convey that you understand him, the more comforted he’ll feel. [5]
    • “I understand why you feel upset. I’d probably feel the same way.”
    • “I totally get why you’re angry. That would make me mad, too.”
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6

Trust your own sense of reality.

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  1. People who consistently display narcissistic behaviors tend to believe that their version of reality is the only reality. When you’re in a relationship with someone like this, it may often feel like you’re going crazy—your partner might blame you for things you didn’t do or tell you about conversations that didn’t happen. This behavior is called “gaslighting,” and it’s a common manipulation tactic used in unhealthy relationships. [6]
    • If you ever feel like you’re remembering something wrong, try writing it down. That way, you have concrete evidence of what happened that you can look back on.
    • Or, repeat a mantra to yourself, like, “My version of reality is right. No one else can tell me what happened to me.”
7

Praise his good behavior.

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  1. If your boyfriend does something that you can tell takes a lot of effort, praise him for it so he can see that you’ve noticed. Not only will your behavior possibly feed his ego, but you’ll let him know that he should do the same thing in the future. For example, you might say something like: [7]
    • “These flowers are beautiful! Thank you so much for thinking of me while you were out and about.”
    • “I really appreciate you giving me so much grace when I messed up earlier. I can tell that wasn’t easy.”
    Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

    Criticism won't work on narcissists. "The topic of narcissism has penetrated the social consciousness. We don't "fix it" by cutting people down to size and reminding folks of their inadequacies and smallness. Shame is more likely to be the cause of these behaviors, not the cure."

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8

Lean on your support system.

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  1. It can be hard when your partner doesn’t meet all of your emotional needs. Try to talk to your friends and family about what you’re going through, and take comfort in the fact that they’ll always be there for you. [8]
    • You don’t have to use your friends and family to vent about your boyfriend if you don’t want to. Even hanging out with them as a distracting activity can be a nice way to take your mind off things.
9

Practice self care.

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  1. You might feel stressed or worn out after dealing with your boyfriend’s behavior. Try doing something calming and relaxing at least once a day, like practicing yoga , doing meditation , or soaking in a bubble bath . [9]
    • Practicing self care looks different for everyone, so don’t be afraid to try a few things until you find what’s right for you.
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10

Encourage your boyfriend to seek help.

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  1. While it’s unlikely that someone who’s been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can change all of their ways, talking to a mental health professional can help your boyfriend find coping mechanisms and better ways to handle his emotions. Tell your boyfriend that you think he should seek help and that you’ll assist him however you can. [10]
    • “Hey honey? I know we’ve talked about a therapist before, but I really think talking to someone might be helpful for you. I care about you a lot, and I just want you to be happy.”
    • “I think talking to a professional could be good for you. They might be able to help you work through your emotions and understand where you’re coming from.”
11

Talk to a mental health professional.

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  1. Dating someone with narcissistic traits isn’t easy, and you may find yourself stressed out or exhausted. If that’s the case, make an appointment with a therapist or counselor to talk about what you’re going through.
    • A professional can help you find strategies and coping mechanisms to deal with your boyfriend’s behavior.
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12

End the relationship if you need to.

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  1. Remember, you deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship. If you’ve tried a few methods but you’re still having trouble dating your boyfriend, sit him down and end the relationship. [11]
    • Leaving someone who may react in a narcissistic way isn’t always easy. Make sure you have a plan in place to keep yourself safe.
    • If you’re in an abusive relationship and you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

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      Tips

      • Keep in mind that having narcissistic qualities doesn’t make someone a narcissist—only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). [12]
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      • It’s also important to note that people with NPD aren’t inherently abusive or toxic. NPD is a genuine mental health condition that many people struggle to manage and overcome.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out our in-depth interview with Adam Dorsay, PsyD .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201711/in-love-narcissist-6-ways-make-it-work
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/narcissism-decoded/2017/06/11-ways-to-set-boundaries-with-narcissists#1
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/how-de-escalate-fight-narcissist
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201711/in-love-narcissist-6-ways-make-it-work
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201711/in-love-narcissist-6-ways-make-it-work
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      9. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
      1. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690

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