Is “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Ever True?

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The truth behind the common breakup phrase
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Ending a romantic relationship is always difficult, whether it’s mutual or not. It’s hard to know what the right thing to say is, especially if nobody did anything wrong. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “it’s not you, it’s me” during a breakup, you may have wondered what it really meant—was your ex just trying to soften the blow of leaving you? Keep reading for a comprehensive guide to this popular, relationship-ending phrase, including alternative options.

“It's Not You, It's Me” Meaning

"It's not you, it's me" is a commonly-used phrase when breaking up with someone. It's a way to soften the blow of the breakup by placing all the blame on the person initiating, assuring the other person that they've done nothing wrong. It can be viewed as an "easy out" as it avoids having to discuss the real issues.

Section 1 of 6:

What does “it’s not you, it’s me” mean?

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  1. The phrase “it’s not you, it’s me” is traditionally used during a breakup as a means of letting the other person know that they’ve done nothing wrong, with the breakup initiator essentially placing all of the blame on themselves. It literally means, “You’re not the reason for this breakup—I am.” However, the phrase can be perceived as a cowardly “easy way out” as it avoids openly discussing the real issues in the relationship that ultimately led to its demise. [1]
    • Although it's possible that someone might use this phrase honestly to fault themselves, it’s more often used to avoid a difficult and uncomfortable conversation with a partner or ex.
    • The intention behind saying "It's not you, it's me" is often to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings by bringing up issues in the relationship as they are already grappling with the pain of being broken up with.
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Section 2 of 6:

Reasons People Say “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

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  1. This phrase is most commonly used to provide the dumpee with a reason as to why the dumper is breaking up with them, but not one that places blame on the dumpee in any way. It may be rooted in avoidance, dishonesty, and a desire to end the conversation quickly without having to explain oneself too much, often reflecting how little they valued the relationship to begin with. [2]
  2. Using this phrase to explain reasons for wanting to break up may stem from a place of empathy, as the dumper doesn’t want to add insult to injury for the dumpee, or feel worse about themselves for doing so. The dumpee is already likely to be in a state of emotional upheaval, so the dumper’s heart is typically in the right palace as they feel no need to further hurt the dumpee by bringing up all the things they’ve done wrong. In some cases, however, it could be more about preserving their “good guy” image in the eyes of their ex than anything else.
  3. Some people may say "It's not you, it's me" during a breakup because they believe it will make it easier to come back to their ex if they change their mind. Should the single life ultimately feel more lonely than exciting, the dumper may not want to completely ruin their chances with their ex, and they may believe that diving into the real reasons for the breakup would make it hard to reconcile in the future.
  4. Those initiating a breakup might use this phrase in the spirit of transparency, as they could really feel like the person at fault is them. This could come after the dumpee has realized that they’re not ready for a relationship or still have internal issues or trauma to work through, or perhaps because they’ve made a mistake they don’t wish to disclose, like being unfaithful. Even if the dumpee never learns the real reason, saying “It’s not you, it’s me” doesn’t always signal dishonesty or deceit.
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Section 3 of 6:

Should I say “it’s not you, it’s me” to end my relationship?

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  1. While “it’s not you, it’s me” could be perceived as a non-confrontational and dishonest reason to give for ending a relationship, it’s understandable why people do it. If you find yourself initiating a breakup, consider how honest you’d like to be, whether you’re willing to hurt your partner’s feelings in the spirit of being honest, and if there’s any value in sharing the true reasons. You might ultimately decide that honesty is definitely the best policy, or that the petty reason you’re no longer romantically interested in your partner is not worth sharing. [3]
Section 4 of 6:

What to Do If You’re Told “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

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  1. Although hearing these words during a breakup can hurt, but it’s best to allow your ex to say what they need to say. Then, tell them that you understand, even if the truth is that you don’t. Expect to have complicated feelings, but don’t try to talk them out of their decision no matter what. Remember, you shouldn’t have to convince anyone to pick you because the right person will do so without you having to ask. [4]
  2. Healing from a breakup can take a while, but use this time wisely to reflect and process your feelings. You can try journaling or speaking to a therapist. You can pick up new hobbies, return to old ones you had neglected during the relationship, start a creative project, or spend tons of time with friends and family. There’s no wrong way to heal— as long as it doesn’t involve going back to your ex.
  3. They say the best revenge is moving on and a few things can help the move-on process along. You can start by going no contact with your ex, which includes social media, too. The most important thing is that you don’t wallow in sadness or seek out your ex’s attention. Move on with dignity, which entails never looking back.
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Section 5 of 6:

Alternatives to “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

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  1. Breaking up is hard to do, no matter which end of the breakup you’re on. However, if you’re deciding to end the relationship after the realization that you’re not ready to commit, being honest could provide your partner with the reasoning and closure they deserve. Here are some truthful alternatives to “it’s not you, it’s me” that let your soon-to-be former flame know that this has little to do with them: [5]
    • “I realized I’m not in the place to be in a relationship right now.”
    • “I’m don’t think I’m ready for this level of commitment right now.”
      •
    • “I don't think this relationship the right fit for me right now."
  2. It’s possible that you entered a relationship with the best intentions, only to quickly realize that maybe you should have gotten to know this other person a bit better before deciding to fully commit. Maybe they’re a night owl and you’re a morning person. Maybe, they’re a vegan and you’re a devout carnivore. Or, maybe, there are some deeper rooted compatibility issues, like one person wanting to have children while the other doesn’t. No matter where the incompatibilities lie, here are some options to open up the dialogue:
    • “I just don't think we're compatible enough in the long run."
    • “I’m realizing we have different priorities.”
      •
    • “I don’t see a future for us."
  3. Wanting to spare someone’s feelings is typically the main reason behind saying “it’s not you, it’s me,” but acknowledging a shift in feelings without getting into specifics can be a truthful, yet, relatively benign way of giving the other person some answers. Here are a few options on how to do it: [6]
    • “I’m not feeling the same way about this relationship as you are."
    • “I'm not feeling the connection I’d hoped to be feeling.”
      •
    • “I realized I need to work on myself before I can a worthy partner.”
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Section 6 of 6:

Origins of “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

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  1. The phrase dates back to the 1980s. “It’s not you, it’s me” made its first rounds in the sports world, used by players to either explain certain moves or brag about recent achievements. In 1988, the phrase was used in the film Casual Sex : one character ultimately turns the other down, citing “it’s not you, it’s me” as an explanation. The most popular pop culture use of this phrase was in a 1993 episode of Seinfeld , after George Constanza gets dumped by a woman using that same excuse.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://itinthed.com/3671/the-dating-corollary-its-not-you-its-me-hint-its-you/
      2. ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/cliche-but-cruel-why-its-not-you-its-me-is-such_uk_5c06dc77e4b0d0a960db7ef7
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-limbo/201005/its-not-you-its-me-pseudo-compassionate-break-lines
      4. ↑ https://www.innovative-match.com/blog/5-things-to-do-if-the-person-youre-dating-says-during-a-breakup-its-not-you-its-me
      5. ↑ https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/relationships/what-say-when-you-want-break-up
      6. ↑ https://www.vice.com/en/article/is-there-ever-a-good-way-to-break-up-with-someone/

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