What to Say & Do to Make Your Ex Stop Texting You

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Plus, learn why they won't stop reaching out in the first place
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Getting unwanted texts from an ex can be tough. You likely still care about them and don't want to see them hurting, but you might also be ready to move on. Thankfully, it's totally acceptable (and doable) to tell your ex to stop texting you nicely. We talked to clinical psychologists and dating coaches to help you decide what to say, what to do if they won’t stop texting, and fill you in on why they keep texting in the first place.

Making Your Ex Stop Reaching Out: Overview

Tell your ex that you don’t feel like it’s a good idea to keep talking. Keep it formal and kind, but not overly friendly. Say, “I don’t feel like it’s healthy for either of us to keep talking to each other. Hearing from you hurts me, and I’d like for both of us to move on.” Block them if they violate your boundaries.

Section 1 of 3:

What to Text Your Ex

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  1. Try this option if you might want to text later on. If you just broke up recently, relationship coach Amy Chan suggests a period of no contact to process the split on your own and deactivate old neural connections that keep you attached to this person. Gently let your ex know that you can't text right now, but will let them know when you feel ready to talk again. This will help clue them in on how you're feeling while also giving you some much-needed time on your own. [1]
    • You might also say, "I need some time to process things by myself. I'll let you know when I'm ready to text again."
    • “When you text me before I’m ready, it makes it harder for me to want to talk to you again.”
  2. Let them know if you think texting each other is unhealthy. It's possible that the breakup was pretty rough and you don't have any interest in talking to your ex again. Tell them directly that you aren't interested in talking anymore so that they will get the message and stop texting for good. [2]
    • Alternatively, try something like, "It's too hard for me to keep talking. I'm sorry if this hurts, but please stop texting me."
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  3. This option works well if you'd like to be friends down the road. Even if you want to be friends with your ex, you likely need at least a few weeks to process the breakup emotions on your own before you can move on and see them as just a friend. If that's the case, let them know that you need a break from texting each other, at least for a little while. [3] “The brain is literally in withdrawal” after a breakup, Chan says, and you need to power through it without giving in.
    • You might also try, "I really meant it when I said I wanted to stay in touch, but I think I need some time for myself first. I'd appreciate it if we stopped texting until I feel ready to be friends."
    • “I need some space before I can be your friend.”
    EXPERT TIP

    Amy Chan

    Relationship Coach
    Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.
    Amy Chan
    Relationship Coach

    Your pain won't last forever. Research shows that the pain of romantic rejection usually fades away over the course of about six months to two years. People who have an anxious attachment style often take breakups harder than those with a secure or avoidant attachment style.

  4. If your ex is playing with your emotions, tell them to stop. It's possible that your ex is treating you like their partner one minute and their ex the next. Let them know how their treatment is making you feel and ask that they please stop contacting you so that you can get some peace of mind. [4] “It's very normal to still have feelings for your ex,” dating coach Erika Kaplan says. But if they keep texting you, you won’t be able to move past those feelings, and that’s not fair to you.
    • You can also text, "I'm not sure why you're texting me like this when you ended our relationship. Could you try to see this from my perspective and please stop contacting me?"
    • “I'm confused by the fact that you keep reaching out. Please stop texting me so I can move forward.”
  5. You might have to reject unwanted advances from your ex. To make sure they know that you're not interested, let them know that you do not intend on rekindling your relationship and tell them that you aren't comfortable texting anymore. It may sting to hear this, but they'll likely be grateful to know how you feel directly. [5]
    • As an alternative, say, "Our relationship was really special to me, but it's over now. I think we should stop texting so that we can move on."
  6. Express compassion for your ex while also asking them to stop texting. If your ex is texting you about how much they miss you or are hurt by what happened, you might consider offering a brief apology or kind message. Follow that with a request that they stop texting you so that you can both put the breakup behind you. [6]
    • You can also text, "I completely understand the pain that you're in right now, and I'm sorry. I still think it would be healthiest for us both if we stopped texting."
  7. If your ex messed up, they may reach out to apologize (more than once). If that's the case, let them know that you're grateful for their apology but can't keep texting. This will help you get the space that you need and hopefully encourage your ex to forgive themselves and let it go. Even if you feel bad for them, that’s no reason to let them hurt your mental health by staying in your life. [7]
    • Alternatively, try, "Thank you for your apology. Although it really means a lot, I would like for us to stop texting each other going forward."
    • “I appreciate how you feel, but I think it would be best for us both if we stopped texting each other.”
  8. If you're with someone new, tell your ex so that they'll stop texting. Staying in contact can lead to temptation, and sometimes it’s best to remove that temptation . [8] Rather than giving them a lot of information about your relationship, simply let them know that you're dating someone else and would like to stop texting. If you're still on good terms, you might add a kind message to wish them the best going forward. [9]
    • You might also say, "I hope you are doing well. I've started seeing someone and it's getting pretty serious. I think it would be best if we stopped texting."
  9. Remind your ex to stop texting you if you have an agreement in place. Though you may have already agreed on a no-contact rule , your ex might disregard that if they are really hurting or missing you. Gently let your ex know that you would like to stick to the agreement you already made and refrain from texting each other. Your ex will likely leave you alone after a gentle but firm reminder. [10]
    • As another option, try, "I still think the no-contact rule we agreed to was a good idea. Please stop texting me."
    • “I’ve moved on, and I think you should, too. There’s someone out there for you, but it’s not me.”
  10. Be firm if your ex is sending you rude or unkind messages. [11] No matter what happened in your breakup, no one has the right to harass you. Keep your message brief and direct if you're dealing with disrespectful messages from your ex. A clear, clean break is often the best course of action. [12]
    • Other ways you can say this include, "Do not text me anymore" or "I have nothing more to say. Please stop reaching out."
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Section 2 of 3:

What if they keep trying to contact you?

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  1. If your ex still won't listen to you, it's perfectly acceptable to block them, Chan says. Sometimes, an ex just won't listen no matter how many times you ask them to stop texting you. If you're still dealing with their messages after you asked them to stop, or their messages are unkind, block their phone number so that they can't contact you anymore. [13]
    • Whether you tell your ex that you plan on blocking their number is up to you. If you want to let them know ahead of time, you might say, "I've asked you to stop contacting me many times now. I'm blocking your number to get the space I need. I hope you understand."
  2. 2
    Don’t feel like you have to be kind if they’re not kind to you. “Remember that once harassment, or any types of intimidation, cruelty, or abuse show up in your relationship—you no longer owe that person any social etiquette!” clinical psychologist Dr. Allison Broennimann says. If they keep violating your boundaries, drop the nice act and be firm. Don’t let them walk all over you.
    • That said, don’t encourage an argument by firing back or insulting them. That just sucks you into their game.
    • Instead, say, “It’s clear you can’t handle a conversation about this, so I’m blocking you.”
  3. 3
    Contact their loved ones if they threaten to hurt themselves. Chances are, threats of self-harm are hollow and manipulative, but you should still take them seriously. That doesn’t mean you should cave, though. Instead, contact their friends, parents, siblings, or someone else who’s close to them. Explain the situation, and tell them you’re concerned. That way, someone who’s still in contact with your ex can help them if they really need it. [14]
    • Say, “They’re threatening to hurt themselves if I don’t talk to them, but I know that’s manipulative. Can you check on them for me?”
  4. 4
    Reach out to law enforcement if you feel unsafe. If you feel like you’re in danger or your ex threatens you, clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz encourages you to contact law enforcement. The police may not be able to stop your ex’s behavior immediately, but notifying them initiates a paper trail that, if the situation escalates, they can refer back to and bolster your case.
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Section 3 of 3:

Why does your ex keep texting you?

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  1. 1
    They miss you. This is a big one, Kaplan says, and is probably pretty obvious. They can’t stop texting you because they miss you and they miss the relationship. That doesn’t mean that you should indulge them, though, or that anything would change if you got back together. It’s natural for you to miss each other, but it’s best to keep your eyes on the future and move on.
    • Your ex might also feel guilty, or even just want to check in on you. It’s alright to accept apologies, or even to keep in touch sometimes, but ask yourself if it’s making your breakup recovery harder.
  2. 2
    They want sex or to use you. Sometimes, they just need you to stroke their ego. They want to have sex again, or they just want the security of someone who once tolerated them because they’re finding it hard to find someone new, so they come running back to you. [15] But, you’re not their babysitter, and it’s not your responsibility to make them happy.
    • You might also have something else they want, like money, a nice place to live, or your social network.
  3. 3
    They just want to hurt your feelings. Hurt feelings are common for breakups and your ex might want to “get back” at you by harassing you. [16] It’s petty, immature, and not at all worth your time. If this is the case, just block them and move on. At least they’ve made it easy to not miss them!
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      • As tough as it may be, try to let your ex know directly that you don't want to text anymore. Avoiding the subject and letting them continue to text you may make both of you feel worse. [17]
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      • Remember that it's never rude or unkind to tell your ex to stop texting you. You have every right to ask for space, especially after a difficult breakup.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-angry-therapist/202402/why-no-contact-and-boundaries-are-important-with-your-ex
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-to-end-contact-with-an-ex
      4. ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/moving-when-youre-still-love-your-ex
      5. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html
      6. ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/why-you-cant-stop-thinking-about-your-ex/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-love-and-war/201405/the-10-worst-reasons-stay-friends-your-ex
      8. ↑ https://www.npr.org/transcripts/1196979337
      9. ↑ https://headspace.org.au/explore-topics/for-young-people/relationship-breakup/
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-angry-therapist/202402/why-no-contact-and-boundaries-are-important-with-your-ex
      2. ↑ https://www.vice.com/en/article/what-to-do-if-your-partner-wont-let-you-break-up/
      3. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/how-should-i-end-relationship
      4. ↑ https://www.npr.org/transcripts/1196979337
      5. ↑ https://www.vice.com/en/article/what-to-do-if-your-partner-wont-let-you-break-up/
      6. ↑ https://betches.com/why-do-men-always-come-back-after-a-breakup/
      7. ↑ https://www.vice.com/en/article/what-to-do-if-your-partner-wont-let-you-break-up/
      8. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html

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