What Does Clingy Mean in a Relationship? Plus, Signs & Causes

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What someone being "clingy" can look like (and how to deal)
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When you’re in a loving relationship, it’s normal to want to spend a lot of time with your significant other. Naturally, your S.O. may take on the role of your best friend, activity buddy, and romantic partner… but how much time spent together is too much time? If you’re starting to feel like your relationship might be on the verge of “clingy,” keep reading to learn exactly what clinginess means, where it stems from, and how you can work toward setting healthy boundaries with your partner, with tips from dating and psychology experts.

What does it mean to be clingy in a relationship?

Being clingy has negative connotations, as it refers to someone who constantly demands attention and reassurance, becoming angry or even hostile when their partner expresses a need to spend time apart. Being clingy corresponds to an anxious attachment style. Identifying triggers and working with a therapist can help.

Section 1 of 7:

Clingy Relationship Definition

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  1. In “clingy” relationships, clinginess refers to one or both partners requiring excessive attention, support, validation, and/or reassurance from the other. This is typically characterized by controlling behaviors and an inability to understand why one partner might need time and space outside of the relationship. [1]
    • “Clingy” has a negative connotation as it usually indicates an insecure, controlling, and overly needy partner.
    • Other symptoms of clinginess in a relationship include jealousy, constant communication, and social media monitoring so the “clinger” knows their partner’s every move.
    • In some cases, “clinginess” can translate into codependency, which creates one of two dynamics.
      • The first one points to an imbalance in the relationship as the clinger deeply craves validation from the “giver”, causing the giver to become an emotional caretaker to the clinger. [2]
      • The second can be described as a mutual addiction to one another in a relationship.
    • Clingy relationships may also be described as “toxic” to varying degrees.
  2. 2
    Clinginess corresponds with an anxious attachment style. There are 4 types of attachment according to attachment theory: secure, avoidant, disorganized, and anxious. Therapists describe having an anxious attachment style akin to being the clinger in a relationship. Being clingy and having an anxious attachment are behaviors rooted in insecurity due to fear of abandonment. One major indicator that someone has this type of attachment style is called “hyperactivation,” or frantically looking for signs that their partner is going to leave them. [3]
    • Many other symptoms of anxious attachment overlap with being “clingy,” like needing constant reassurance, having low self-worth, and an ardent desire to spend all free time with a partner.
    • Matchmaker Erika Kaplan explains that clingy partners are often a result of their unique anxious attachment style. She says, “A clingy partner is likely anxious-attached, which has a lot to do with childhood trauma and past dating experiences. So, it's not as simple as just asking them to change who they are.”
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Section 2 of 7:

Signs of Clinginess in Relationships

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  1. 1
    Obsessively calling or texting One of the most common examples of clinginess in a relationship is someone who tries to contact their partner over and over again, even when they know their partner is working, traveling, out with friends, or otherwise busy. Whether it’s calling or texting, a clingy partner is likely to reach out to their significant other frantically and frequently, often leading to conflict if their S.O. doesn’t answer promptly. [4]
    • This manic behavior may come about as a means to get attention from their partner while also “testing” their loyalty or commitment.
    • If the partner in question doesn’t answer quickly enough or offer a reasonable explanation for their delay in response, this could cause the anxiously attached partner to spiral, bracing for the impact of rejection and/or abandonment.
  2. 2
    Getting defensive if their partner asks for space Clinginess is defined by the need to be around one’s partner at all times, so, when the partner expresses that they could use some alone time, the clinger may lose it. Anxiously attached people feel the most secure when they’re hanging out with their partners, and spending any amount of time apart can make them feel like they’re unwanted or unloved. They might say things like:
    • “Oh, you’re really going back to your place? Wow, you must be sick of me.”
    • “I don’t understand why you can’t do your work here. I promise not to bug you!”
    • “Why can’t I come run errands with you? Do you not like me anymore?”
  3. 3
    Stalking their partner’s location and/or social media The rise and reach of technology has solved many problems… a clingy partner who loves to snoop is not one of them. If anything, technology has only further facilitated things for anxiously attached folks, allowing them to monitor their partner’s movements like trained CIA operatives. While location-sharing between romantic partners is not uncommon, an anxiously attached girlfriend or boyfriend may take it too far, virtually lurking your whereabouts and even showing up if you don’t answer their calls. [5]
    • Other clingy, controlling behaviors include constantly looking through their partner’s social media accounts, noticing if their follower count went up, and keeping tabs on what they “like.”
  4. 4
    Asking for constant reassurance It’s one thing to playfully ask your better half silly questions like, “Would you still love me if I were a worm?” However, it’s another thing entirely if the person is asking seriously and frequently, which is the case for some anxiously attached people, as they tend to equate their self-worth to how their partner views them. [6]
    • Questions that anxiously attached partners ask to feel more secure include: “Do you still love me?” “Do you still find me attractive?” And, “Do you still see a future for us?”
    • Partners with this type of attachment style crave closeness and security, so their line of questioning is meant to establish that their significant other can still give that to them.
  5. 5
    Tends to feel jealousy and mistrust seemingly without cause Jealousy is a human emotion, but someone who views every member of their partner’s preferred gender as a possible threat suggests deep-rooted insecurities. This kind of jealousy and mistrust can come from a clingy partner in various forms, like putting an end to their S.O.’s opposite-gender friendships, micromanaging their interactions with co-workers, and picking fights over perceived flirtations. [7]
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Section 3 of 7:

What causes clinginess in relationships?

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  1. A lot of the clinginess that manifests itself in adult relationships usually originates in childhood. A needy adult might be a product of parents who weren’t as involved as they could have been, or who never apologized after a conflict, or who only offered their support conditionally. Since they experienced instability as children, anxiously attached grown-ups find it difficult to predict what will happen, so asking for reassurance helps them feel more secure about the future. [8]
  2. 2
    Abandonment issues Although anxious attachment can be rooted in childhood trauma, issues faced in adulthood can also add insult to injury. For example, being “ghosted” by someone you were dating with no explanation can create a huge abandonment trigger down the road, whether it was by your first boyfriend or your most recent one. Events like these, small as they may appear to some, can weave webs of trauma that affect our relationships on both conscious and subconscious levels. [9]
  3. 3
    Emotional dependence It’s possible that your anxiously attached spouse hasn’t received a ton of emotional validation in their life, which is why they look to you for so much approval. The trauma of feeling unloved and unseen by a family member or previous romantic partner often leaves a void yearning to be filled, resulting in neediness and emotional dependence on future partners.
    • Dating coach John Keegan warns against putting too much pressure on your significant other to meet all your emotional needs. “Don’t expect them to fulfill everything for you— that's a big mistake people make, which usually ends in disaster.”
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Section 4 of 7:

How to Be Less Clingy

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  1. 1
    Figure out what your triggers are. If you’re experiencing anxiety in your relationship, try to investigate what exactly is causing it. Clinical psychologist Tala Johartchi suggests that you ask yourself, “Does this happen every time I feel disconnected or detached from my partner? Why? Is it because I’m afraid they’ll abandon me and never come back?” The more you understand the root of your clingy behavior, the more you’ll be able to combat it.
  2. 2
    Understand and communicate your feelings. Understanding your triggers is the first step, communicating what you’ve learned with your partner is the next. Let them know how and why you think the way you do, while making strides toward feeling more secure in your relationship. If your partner does something that bugs you, let them know in a calm way how it’s making you feel. Similarly, if your partner does something affirming that feels really good— tell them that, too! [10]
  3. 3
    Try to self-regulate. While communicating with your partner is a great way to build a strong foundation, sometimes you’re the only person who can comfort you. Becoming more emotionally aware, resilient, and learning to tame your emotions are all great tools to have. If your boyfriend is out with his friends and you suddenly feel the urge to triple-text him, having a little restraint to stop yourself can go a long way. [11]
    • Keegan recommends faking it till you make it, sharing, “You want to exhibit the behavior that you're secure, even if you’re not. That means letting them do their own thing without always checking in on them.”
    • While this may be easier said than done at first, getting into the habit of giving your partner space when they’re not with you should become more manageable with time.
    • The practice of building resilience involves learning how to bounce back from low emotional moments, which involves becoming more adaptable to change and finding silver linings.
  4. 4
    Find a good outlet to work out your emotions. Whether you journal, meditate, practice positive affirmations, exercise, or seek the guidance of a therapist, finding a good outlet is integral to feeling more secure in your relationship. You could even implement all of the above! Practicing mindfulness will allow you to learn more about what makes you tick and help illuminate areas of improvement.
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Section 5 of 7:

How to Deal with a Clingy Partner

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  1. When compromising with a clingy partner, try to strike a balance between listening to their needs and setting your own boundaries. Kaplan shares that meeting an anxiously attached partner in the middle is key. Kaplan suggests that you give them the validation they seek, and in turn, they should agree to the boundaries you’ve decided upon.
    • For example, if your needy partner gets separation anxiety while you’re at work, you can make it a point to give them a call on your lunch break to check in.
      • However, set a firm boundary about them not calling you incessantly during work hours.
    • If your partner wants to hang out every night of the week, agree upon a certain number of nights that you get to yourself. “It is okay to express that you do need a little bit more space and independence,” Kaplan adds.
      • If this becomes a part of your regular schedule, your partner is more likely to adapt to it.
  2. 2
    Learn your own attachment style. If you suspect your needy S.O. of having an anxious attachment style, learning which attachment style you have can help you both work through your issues. Clinical psychologist Adam Dorsay explains how messy things can get between two people of opposing attachment styles. He says, “Oftentimes, an anxious person will get together with an avoidant person , and the avoidant person becomes annoyed with the anxious person's overtures to reach out, and the anxious person works even harder trying to win over the avoidant person.”
    • The good news is that two opposing attachment styles can make it work, according to Dorsay, as long as they both know what their attachment styles are and have the facilitation of a good couple's therapist.
    • Your attachment style can change, depending on time, effort, and circumstance. [12]
      • A change in attachment style could happen naturally, by entering a relationship with someone who makes you feel completely safe and secure.
      • Getting older could also affect attachment styles, considering that the older we get, the less likely we are to settle for instability in relationships.
      • Additionally, you can go from anxious to secure by journaling, working with a therapist, learning to self-soothe, and actively communicating with your spouse.
  3. 3
    Go to couples therapy. Attending individual therapy and couples therapy can help improve your relationship with your spouse by deconstructing your different attachment styles and how they function in your shared lives. Developmental psychologist Leslie Bosch recommends taking this a step further, not only working with a therapist but also doing your own research— a concept she refers to as “bibliotherapy.” She encourages couples to work through these self-help books together for the best results.
    • Marriage and family therapist Jessica Swenson is also an advocate of this practice, suggesting two helpful books: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.
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Section 6 of 7:

​​Is it bad to be clingy in a relationship?

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  1. Being clingy hints at underlying emotional issues. “Clinginess” in relationships is often synonymous with having an anxious attachment style, which can manifest itself as deep insecurities about a partner’s commitment, demanding their constant attention, and irrational jealousy. In essence, a clingy relationship is usually full of conflict and mistrust, which obviously isn’t good. However, it’s important not to classify clinginess as “bad” since it’s infinitely more complicated than that, as many anxiously attached adults are often a result of emotionally neglectful parents during childhood.
Section 7 of 7:

Final Thoughts

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  1. Clinginess is defined by wanting to be around one’s significant other at all times, feeling insecure if they express needing space, and usually translates into an anxious attachment style. Signs of clinginess include obsessively calling one’s partner, stalking their location, and constantly asking for validation, with questions like, “Do you still love me?” Clinginess is often rooted in childhood trauma, abandonment issues, or and/or trust issues from previous adult relationships.
    • If you believe yourself to be clingy in relationships, identify what your triggers are and work with a therapist in order to learn how to regulate your emotions.
    • If you find yourself in a relationship with a clingy partner, set boundaries, learn your own attachment style, and consider couples therapy.
    • Two people with opposing attachment styles, like anxious and avoidant, can have a healthy relationship as long as they’re willing to do the work, which may involve a couple’s therapist.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/clingy-in-relationship/
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs
      3. ↑ https://www.health.com/anxious-attachment-style-7562046
      4. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/signs-your-partner-is-too-clingy/
      5. ↑ https://www.mic.com/articles/148894/why-i-quit-stalking-my-boyfriend-online-and-why-you-should-too
      6. ↑ https://www.attachedpsychotherapy.com/supporting-an-anxiously-attached-partner
      7. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/5-clingy-relationship-behaviors-hurting-love-life/
      8. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/anxious-attachment-style/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/202309/unapologetically-gone-the-science-behind-ghosting
      1. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/anxious-attachment/
      2. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/resilience-skills/
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-insecure-attachment-style#is-change-possible

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