When Do Men Emotionally Mature? (And Why It Matters for Relationships)

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Plus, reasons that may be holding him back from maturity
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The idea that men mature more slowly than women has been around for a long time. If you’re dating a man, perhaps his toilet humor and endless video gaming is starting to get on your nerves, or maybe there are more serious issues at play, hinting at his inability to work through his emotions. If you’re wondering when the Peter Pan in your life will finally grow up, you’ve come to the right place. Keep reading for expert insight from dating coach Asa Don Brown on when men mature, why they might be late bloomers, and signs yours is ahead of the crowd.

Emotional Maturity in Men: Overview

Some studies show men become fully emotionally mature around age 43. However, this is only the case if they have healthy, strong family relationships and no childhood experiences negatively affecting their emotional development. Some key signs of maturity are dependability, flexibility, and self-awareness.

Section 1 of 5:

When do guys mature?

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  1. While all men’s brains fully develop by the age of about 25, their emotional maturity is heavily influenced by a number of psychological factors. These factors include: independence, self-esteem, and the ability to handle stress. And all of these influences happen at vastly different stages of each person’s life. [1]
    • The belief that women mature significantly faster than men is also false. While puberty does affect women at an earlier age than men, there is very little hard evidence that women’s brains mature at a faster rate.
    • It can be inferred that women often act more mature due to societal pressures. [2]
    • Brown believes the concept of maturity in relationships to be “genderless,” stating that “all genders are capable of displaying immaturity.”
    • Brown suggests that maturity can better be determined by asking the following questions: “Does this individual have what it takes to be in a supportive relationship? Are they capable of self-regulation and self-reflection? Does this individual have personal insight and are they capable of being completely authentic?”
  2. A survey in 2013 found that men and women alike believe a man is fully mature around 43. That’s 11 years later than women, who participants stated are fully mature at 32. Acts of “maturity” that participants evaluated included: domestic activities like cooking and cleaning, impulse control, and high-stakes decision making. [3]
    • However, more data is needed as this study used no biological research to support its claims and was based entirely on participants’ opinions.
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Section 2 of 5:

What is emotional maturity?

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  1. It means taking accountability for your actions and not blaming others, along with seeking out different viewpoints and leading with empathy. There is no fixed point at which one reaches emotional maturity and knows exactly what to think and feel in every situation thereafter. Instead, it’s a matter of slowly amassing tools that help you deal with whatever life throws at you with grace, tact, and resilience. [4]
    • Reaching emotional maturity is a lifelong journey that begins by doing a little self-inventory. Ask yourself questions like, “Why do I feel this way?”
    • What you learn about yourself in the process can help you navigate similar scenarios in the future, leading to emotional growth.
Section 3 of 5:

Why Maturity Matters in Relationships

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  1. Mature men are significantly better at owning and following through on their responsibilities. Plus, their enhanced communication skills make them better collaborators. This makes it easier to achieve goals and work through conflicts with their loved ones. [5]
  2. Men behaving in emotionally mature ways takes the pressure off their wives and girlfriends to act like the adults in their relationships. By freeing them of these responsibilities and emotional labors, their partners are then able to focus that energy on bonding and intimacy, which enhances their connection. [6]
    • Brown emphasizes that emotional maturity means recognizing and taking full responsibility for his feelings and decisions. It’s regulating how he shares his emotions so the burden doesn’t fall on other people.
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Section 4 of 5:

Reasons Men Act Immature

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  1. If the man in your life grew up in a household with immature parents or guardians, he may have picked up his emotional instability from them. Some signs of immaturity are obvious like narcissism or a refusal to be held accountable. Others are subtler such as low self-esteem and fear of conflict.​​ [7]
    • Common traits of immature role models are projection, denial, and lack of empathy.
    • Oftentimes, dysfunctional adults place the burden of their own issues on their children and/or refuse to take responsibility when a child expresses a need.
      • This causes issues with autonomy and responsibility as the child gets older.
  2. The man in your life is not likely to grow up if nobody asks him to. If he surrounds himself with equally immature friends and/or he has other people handle his responsibilities for him, he may struggle to learn self-discipline or how to hold himself accountable.
    • The most common enablers of emotionally immature men are their parents.
    • Afraid of their boy growing up and/or their connection fading, parents continue to treat their man like a child or adolescent.
      • They clean up his messes for him (sometimes literally) so he never learns key adult skills. [8]
  3. If the man in your life experienced a severe upheaval as a kid, he may be emotionally “stuck” at the age it happened. Help him work through childhood trauma by regularly reminding him that his past does not define him and reaching out to support groups to assure him he’s not alone. [9]
    • If the trauma triggers his nervous system, set aside a few minutes a day to do some deep breathing or meditate together. This can help settle his nerves while building emotional resilience and conflict resolution mechanisms.
    • Signs that his trauma is affecting his nervous system include heavy breathing and extremely heightened emotions when it’s brought up.
    • If necessary, have him talk to a therapist or other mental health professional who can offer guidance and patience as he unpacks these wounds.
  4. Movies, TV shows, and social media sometimes promote unhealthy and underdeveloped masculinity. Stoic, violent action heroes are adored for their risky behavior and refusal to emote while comedies punch down at sensitive, emotionally articulate men for being “whiny” or effeminate. [10]
    • Remind your man that he doesn’t have to conform to these roles and that you’ll love him just as much for showing his vulnerability and taking care of himself.
    • Consider consuming media with more mature, positive male role models. Choose TV shows, books, or movies that showcase men being rewarded for their dependability and openness instead of their combativeness or crude humor.
  5. For many men across cultures, they’re safeguarded under the wing of their mother or maternal figure until they’re married. Up until then, domestic tasks, emotional awareness, and the ability to make important decisions have not been skills essential—or sometimes even relevant—to their survival.
    • Therefore, when they finally do enter a serious adult relationship, they’re forced to grow and expand in order to meet the emotional expectations of their new partner.
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Section 5 of 5:

Signs He’s Mature

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  1. Mature men follow through on what they say they’re going to do. If the man in your life is mature, you can rely on him for the big and small things alike. He shows up on time, he completes tasks when you ask him to complete them, and he keeps sensitive information between the two of you. [11]
    • Dependability is also about knowing his limitations. Nobody can be perfectly reliable all the time. If your man is mature, he’s clear when he’s unable to do something and he doesn’t make promises he can’t keep.
  2. Mature people understand when no means no. They’ve also done the self-work to understand what they themselves are and aren’t comfortable with. If you draw a line physically, emotionally, or mentally, a mature man acknowledges this limit and refuses to push it, even if he’s upset with you. [12]
    • There’s a difference between boundaries and walls. Walls are defensive barriers we put up that have strict limits, harsh punishments, and leave no room for gray areas. Boundaries, on the other hand, are malleable. They can bend and we can communicate them comfortably.
    • For example, if he puts up walls instead of boundaries, he might say “If you ever touch my hair, I’ll leave you.” If he puts up healthy boundaries, he might say “I appreciate how physically affectionate you are, but it makes me uncomfortable when you touch my hair. Can you show your love in another way?”
    • When setting boundaries for yourself, be clear and direct and remind each other that boundaries are not personal. In fact, setting these parameters will lead to a healthier, more intimate dynamic in your relationship.
  3. Mature people are willing to express feelings that make them feel “exposed,” like fear, sadness, and shame. If the man in your life is mature, he’ll acknowledge that he’s feeling anxious, depressed, or insecure rather than fighting you or pretending he’s okay as a defense mechanism. [13]
    • Vulnerability is a scary feeling. Even mature people put up walls to avoid being vulnerable because it makes them feel helpless. If he shows you his vulnerable side, clearly communicate that you appreciate his courage and aren’t judging him.
    • One great way to encourage vulnerability is to use at least one “I feel ___ because” statement each time you see each other. By setting aside time to acknowledge and reflect on each other’s feelings, you allow yourself to share deeper emotions in a low-stakes way.
  4. One key sign of maturity is his ability to keep a level head during a crisis. [14] Mature people don’t overreact, but they also don’t pretend something is okay when it isn’t. If he’s mature, he can recognize the severity of stressful situations, but take action and look toward solutions instead of panicking.
    • Nobody’s perfect. We all have moments of anxiety in troubling moments. However, if he’s mature, he’s able to recognize when it’s appropriate to feel distress or anger and when voicing those emotions will only exacerbate the problem.
  5. Self-awareness shows his maturity by proving he has a healthy, developed sense of self. He recognizes his strengths as well as traits he can improve and he accepts that both of these can co-exist without blaming himself or the world around him. [15]
    • A great sign of self-awareness is his ability to laugh at himself. If someone makes a joke at his expense or he makes a silly mistake, being playful and self-deprecating demonstrates that he doesn’t take his shortcomings too personally.
    • To improve self-awareness in your relationship , try asking each other for honest feedback on how you each come across. Start with compliments and things you like about each other. Then, say something you think you can both improve on. Finish with another compliment.
  6. Mature men recognize that compromise is essential in making a friendship or relationship work. He values your opinion in every decision-making process, even if it doesn’t align with his own. He’s also willing to re-evaluate choices as time and people change.
    • Being mature means being flexible, but also putting his foot down when something is important to him. He’s lenient but clearly communicates when something matters to him too.
  7. Mature men own up to their behaviors and accept fault when they deserve it. According to Brown, they’ll apologize and take full responsibility for where they went wrong instead of making excuses or blaming others. [16]
    • Taking accountability does not mean accepting unearned blame. If your man takes emotional responsibility for other people’s actions, it may be a sign of low self-esteem. Remind him that other people pointing fingers at him is a reflection of their own insecurities, not his faults.
    • Brown notes that extreme lack of accountability can even be considered a narcissistic trait, stating, “They are seldom willing to accept responsibility, but are apt to place blame on you in a heartbeat.”
  8. Mature men recognize and promote their loved ones’ achievements. If you mention a new job you want or a new hobby you’re thinking of taking up, a mature man will encourage you to go for it and ask for ways he can assist you. He recognizes that your successes don’t infringe on his capabilities. [17]
    • One way to be more supportive of each other is to check in regularly and remind each other of things you’re good at.
    • Find a skill of his that you admire and discuss a way you think he can develop that skill further. Then, he does the same for you.
  9. Brown defines emotional self-regulation as “the process of owning one’s feelings, thoughts, behaviors, attitudes, and perceptions.” He believes that only through self-regulation can we have a “comprehensive understanding and approach to the inner-self.” According to him, it’s through the inner-self that “we are capable of having healthy conversations and being introspective,”... and ultimately, ready to enter a mature relationship with another person!
    • Emotional intelligence, or EQ, plays a key role in maturing. Brown says, “Emotional Intelligence, or lack thereof, determines whether or not an individual is fully capable of self-regulation.”
    • Brown offers insight into the four quatrains of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. “These four quatrains are responsible for an individual’s ability to have a full and balanced life and perspective of the world,” he finishes.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What does emotional maturity look like in a man?
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 30 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples; while treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. As a prolific author, Dr. Brown has published four books; contributed to multiple other books; published 500+ articles in professional and popular magazines, journals, and peer-reviewed publications; and has recently published a number of creative and literary works. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. He has also received a Master of Liberal Arts from Harvard University. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    What we are actually seeking here is someone with insights into their own personal “Emotional Intelligence" (EQ). EQ, or lack thereof, determines whether or not an individual is fully capable of self-regulation. It is divided into four quadrants: self-awareness, self-management, social-awareness, and relationship management. These four quadrants are responsible for an individual’s ability to have a full and balanced life and perspective of the world, being what's perceived as emotionally mature.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3621648/
      2. ↑ https://sites.psu.edu/siowfa15/2015/12/04/why-is-it-said-that-women-are-more-mature/
      3. ↑ https://www.medicaldaily.com/men-mature-after-women-11-years-after-be-exact-british-study-reveals-246716
      4. ↑ https://americanbehavioralclinics.com/10-signs-of-emotional-maturity/
      5. ↑ https://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Why-Maturity-Matters-in-Relationships.pdf
      6. ↑ https://www.business-standard.com/article/pti-stories/men-mature-at-the-age-of-43-study-113061100452_1.html
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/202111/4-signs-parent-is-emotionally-immature
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-wealth/202111/4-signs-parent-is-emotionally-immature
      9. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3968319/
      1. ↑ https://www.vichealth.vic.gov.au/media-and-resources/publications/healthiermasculinities
      2. ↑ https://www.harvardbusiness.org/good-leadership-it-all-starts-with-trust/
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/daring-be-vulnerable-brene-brown
      5. ↑ http://psychologyinrussia.com/volumes/index.php?article=3710
      6. ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/01/what-self-awareness-really-is-and-how-to-cultivate-it
      7. ↑ https://hbr.org/2012/08/take-ownership-of-your-actions
      8. ↑ https://repositories.lib.utexas.edu/handle/2152/20488?show=full

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