Gaslighting Is Abuse: 10 Signs It’s Happening to You

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Learn to recognize gaslighting in all kinds of relationships
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Gaslighting is a terrible form of emotional abuse. It occurs when someone manipulates a person into questioning their own sanity, causing them to doubt their feelings and observations about the world. But gaslighting can be hard to recognize, especially if the person doing it is a romantic partner, family member, friend, coworker, or anyone you’re close to. This article lists some of the most common signs of gaslighting and gives advice on how to respond. Keep reading to learn whether someone is gaslighting you—and what to do about it.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Fernando Campos, founder of Avant-Garde Therapy. Check out the full interview here.

1

They constantly lie to you.

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  1. If you show them proof that they’re lying, they dismiss it or accuse you of making it up. If you call them a liar, they turn around and call you a liar. Or they insist they lied for a good reason, like to protect your feelings—or theirs. Whatever the case, they never admit to being in the wrong.
    • If you believe someone in your life habitually lies to you, practice self-care by stepping back from the situation. Confide in your support network—friends, family, partners, a professional therapist, or all of the above.
    • Unfortunately, confronting a habitual liar probably won’t change their behavior in the long term.
    • Being lied to on a regular basis can be extremely disorienting. It can make it hard to trust a person and harms your mental health.
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2

They deny their bad behavior.

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  1. They insist that you misunderstood them, that you’re remembering things incorrectly, or that you’re making things up to hurt them. They may even blame you for your reaction instead of taking responsibility: “I only called you fat because you let yourself go,” or “You’re just too sensitive! I never tease you.” [1]
    • Stand firm and don’t let their denials cloud your thinking. You saw what you saw, heard what you heard, and you’re not remembering it wrong. And no matter what, you’re not responsible for someone else’s behavior.
    • Denials can chip away at your sense of reality by making you doubt your own memories. This is extremely abusive behavior and a classic technique in gaslighting.
3

Their actions don’t match their words.

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  1. They insist they support you, but always criticize your choices. They say they won’t be late, but they’re never on time. They make promises but never keep them. They’re nice to you at one moment and cruel in the next. [2]
    • Believe your eyes and trust your judgment. If someone displays a pattern of behavior, trust the pattern over anything that person says. [3]
    • Gaslighters use words to disguise or erase bad behaviors, and make others see them in a better light. Don’t fall for it.
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4

They can’t stand criticism.

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  1. They take criticism as a personal attack, no matter how gentle, respectful, or irate you become. They claim you’re overreacting or being selfish. They accuse you of lying or exaggerating. Or they dismiss you and refuse to listen, as if to say, “I am who I am. Take it or leave it.” [4]
    • Don’t back down if you feel your criticism is fair, even if the gaslighter refuses to change.
    • Constructive criticism is important for healthy relationships, especially in professional settings where bosses and colleagues provide feedback on each other’s work.
    • It’s also important in friendships, family relationships, and between romantic partners. Being open to feedback allows us to learn from our mistakes and treat people better.
    • By rejecting all criticism or attacking you for giving it, gaslighters make healthy relationships impossible.
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Toxic?

“Toxic” people are a hot topic. Typically, this term is used to describe a negative person who regularly devalues others. Everyone’s selfish sometimes, and, on occasion, we all tell white lies. So how do you know if you’re in the normal range…or a total hazard? We’ve got the answers right here. Ready to learn if you’re toxic? Click “Start Quiz.”
1 of 12

Your partner's acting suspicious. You:

5

They confuse you with sudden kindness.

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  1. They might compliment or encourage you, unexpectedly. Or if they’re a romantic partner, they might buy you gifts and give you extra kisses. The sudden change makes you think “This person isn’t all bad, right?” But eventually, the mask comes off and they hurt your feelings all over again.
    • Remember that kindness should be the norm in a relationship, not the exception. Gaslighters may use kindness and affection to make you overlook their bad behaviors, but this is still abuse.
    • Positive attention can be a form of abuse when it’s withheld or only given conditionally. For instance, a gaslighting person may behave cruelly when you get upset with them, only to “reward” you with kindness when you accept their lies and bad behavior.
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6

They isolate you from others.

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  1. For instance, if the gaslighter is a friend or romantic partner, they might mock your friends and family to discourage you from seeing them. If they’re a coworker or boss, they might undermine your confidence by claiming that other colleagues don’t like you. [5] This makes it hard to maintain relationships and form new connections with people.
    • In romantic relationships, a partner may gaslight you into pulling away from other people, until your partner is the only person you’re close to. [6]
    • Stay in touch with friends, family, and other colleagues. Treat these relationships as separate from the person who is gaslighting you.
    • Contact your company’s HR department or reach out to a trusted colleague if someone is gaslighting you at work.
    • If you don’t have someone to talk to, consider seeing a therapist . They can provide an outside perspective and help you recognize gaslighting behaviors. They can also help you decide whether to confront the person who’s gaslighting you, or pull back from the relationship in some way.
7

They undermine your confidence and self-worth.

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  1. If you struggle with body image, they may comment on your weight or appearance. If you often worry about falling behind at work, they might drop hints that you’re a slow worker. [7] They know your emotional vulnerabilities and use them against you. [8]
    • Remind yourself that you deserve to be respected and supported by the people in your life. Your insecurities are not “fair game” for others to use against you.
    • For romantic relationships, consider seeing a couple’s therapist. They can help you and your partner solve disagreements in a healthier way. For instance, they may help your partner express frustration without resorting to personal attacks.
    • Understand that counseling doesn’t always work to prevent gaslighting in romantic relationships.
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8

They try to turn people against you.

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  1. They make false accusations about you online or in face-to-face conversations. They try to make you look like a bad person, and make themself look like a good person or victim in the process. This puts you on the defensive and makes people doubt your integrity. [9]
    • Stand up for yourself if you feel safe doing so. Your reputation and personal relationships matter greatly, and no one has a right to attack your reputation for personal gain.
    • Gaslighters can be extremely charming and manipulative, and others may be inclined to believe them.
9

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  1. You start to wonder, what if you really are making it all up? What if you are overreacting? But if so, where did all these memories and feelings come from? This inner conflict leaves you torn, confused, and questioning your own reality. [10]
    • Remember that you’re not crazy, end of story. Trust your observations, memories, and feelings, and defend yourself accordingly.
    • Consider keeping a journal to record experiences and feelings as they happen. Go back and read through it to remind yourself of what really happened, especially if you’re doubting yourself.
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10

They wear you down until you give up.

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  1. You wonder, what’s the point if they never listen or admit they’re wrong? Over time, your relationship with this person becomes completely one-sided. Your feelings and opinions always come second. This can leave you feeling extremely defeated and depressed. [11]
    • Consider ending or pulling back on the relationship if you want to, especially if the gaslighter is unwilling to change their behavior.
    • “Ending” or “pulling back” can mean breaking up, finding a new job, or minimizing contact with a toxic family member or friend, depending on the type of relationship.
    • Talk to a therapist if you have doubts or aren’t sure how to move forward. They can help you reach a decision that feels right for you.
    • Talk to a trusted friend, family member, counselor, or neighbor if you want to end an abusive romantic relationship but are concerned for your safety.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.stmarys-ca.edu/student-life/health-wellness-safety/sexual-assault-dating-violence/ipv-dv/info
      2. ↑ https://smartcouples.ifas.ufl.edu/married/domestic-violence-and-abuse/what-is-gaslighting/
      3. ↑ https://news.illinoisstate.edu/2019/09/seeing-the-subtle-signs-of-abuse/
      4. ↑ https://news.illinoisstate.edu/2019/09/seeing-the-subtle-signs-of-abuse/
      5. ↑ https://business.wisc.edu/news/combatting-gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
      6. ↑ https://smartcouples.ifas.ufl.edu/married/domestic-violence-and-abuse/what-is-gaslighting/
      7. ↑ https://business.wisc.edu/news/combatting-gaslighting-in-the-workplace/
      8. ↑ https://utulsa.edu/student-life/sexual-violence-prevention-education/
      9. ↑ https://www.stmarys-ca.edu/student-life/health-wellness-safety/sexual-assault-dating-violence/ipv-dv/info
      1. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/how-to-identify-and-navigate-around-gaslighting
      2. ↑ https://www.stmarys-ca.edu/student-life/health-wellness-safety/sexual-assault-dating-violence/ipv-dv/info

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