What is the 80/20 Rule in Dating?

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How to keep your expectations realistic and meet your own needs in a relationship
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When you think of the 80/20 rule, you might picture someone starting a new diet or doing a new exercise routine. But when it comes to dating and your love life, the 80/20 rule can actually help you become more satisfied in your existing relationship (or open you up to new relationships in the future). If you’re ready to become content with your partner and stop searching for the “perfect” relationship, you’re in the right place. We’ll explain what the 80/20 rule is, how it applies to your dating life, and all the benefits it can offer you over time.

Things You Should Know

  • The 80/20 rule is the theory that you only need to be satisfied with about 80% of your relationship.
  • Apply the 80/20 rule to your love life by spending 20% of your time on your own meeting your own needs.
  • Embrace your partner’s flaws and focus on the 80% that they do bring to the table, rather than the 20% that they don’t.
Section 1 of 4:

What is the 80/20 rule?

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    The other 20% of your overall satisfaction comes from yourself: your lifestyle, your hobbies, and your career can all play a part. Researchers believe that by keeping your expectations realistic, you open yourself up to more relationships and stop searching for a “perfect” partner. [1] Plus, the 80/20 rule gives you permission to focus on your own needs, too. Since work, kids, and responsibilities can all distract you from your relationship, it’s a useful tool to help you balance your time well.
    • For instance, your partner might make you feel loved, safe, and happy, but you turn to your family and friends to feel like you’re part of a community. 80% of your needs are being met by your partner, and you’re figuring out the other 20% on your own.
    • When the 80/20 rule is applied to infidelity, the theory is that when someone cheats, they’re attracted to the 20% in someone else that they were missing from their partner. However, they often end up realizing that they were better off with the 80% their partner was already giving them.
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Section 2 of 4:

Applying the 80/20 Rule to Your Relationship

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    Your romantic partner is great, but they aren’t perfect. There are going to be some emotional needs that they can’t meet, and that’s okay. Focus on meeting those yourself so you can enjoy the 80% that your partner does provide. [2]
    • For instance, maybe you love spending time with your partner, but you two don’t like the same movies. Once a month, take yourself out on a movie date.
    • Or, maybe you’re a foodie but your partner is pretty picky. Try a new restaurant with friends every other week to satisfy that need within yourself.
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    In reality, this means taking about 1 night a week for yourself. You might grab drinks with friends, go out in nature on your own, or try a new hobby . Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and taking this time will help you come back to your relationship feeling refreshed and revitalized. [3]
    • The 80/20 rule helps you maintain your individuality , even while in a relationship. If you spend 80% of your time with your partner and 20% of your time apart, then you’re still doing your own hobbies and maintaining your own friendships.
    • If this is a change in your relationship, be sure to talk to your partner about it first. Say something like, “Hey, I was thinking that on Thursdays, we could each do our own thing after work. That way, we’ll have time for our own hobbies, but we can still make time for each other, too.”
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    Loving your partner is easy when it comes to their good qualities, but what about the ones you’re not so happy with? Use the 80/20 rule to remind yourself that if 80% of things are good, then you can let go of the other 20%. [4]
    • Maybe your partner is super sweet and romantic, but they can often be a little sarcastic. Remember that their flaws make them human, and that 80% of why you love them means you can put up with that sarcastic 20%.
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    If you’re single and in the dating pool, it’s easy to get stuck in the trap of looking for the perfect person. However, keep the 80/20 rule in mind: as long as you find someone who meets around 80% of your needs, then you can do the other 20% by yourself. This will broaden your horizons and can help you find a good match for you. [5]
    • Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should lower your standards—if you meet someone who’s truly wrong for you, it’s unlikely that the relationship is going to work out. But if you find yourself thinking about a date you had and wishing it had just been a little bit better, it may be worth the effort.
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Section 3 of 4:

Benefits of 80/20 Relationships

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    Instead of pining after the fairytale romances that we see in every rom-com or romance novel, 80/20 dating helps us stay grounded in reality. It’s a reminder that everyone you date is human, and they all have flaws—your relationship will never be perfect, and that’s okay. [6]
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    Spending time apart from each other and meeting your own needs allows you to learn more about yourself . Maybe you discover a new hobby or dive into a new career. As you and your partner both grow and change together, you’ll likely grow even closer. [7]
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    You might be wondering: why 80/20, and not 90/10? The truth is that expecting your partner to meet even 90% of your needs adds a lot of pressure to your partnership. When you expect to meet 20% of your own needs, you allow the relationship to be fun and flowing rather than rigid. [8]
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    When your partner is getting on your nerves, the 80/20 rule forces you to take a step back and look at the positive . Sure, your partner might not be giving you that 20%, but they are providing you with an awesome 80%, which is more than enough. [9]
    • For instance, maybe your partner gives you a lot of love and attention, which makes you feel appreciated and valued. However, they don’t often praise you for your abilities or your achievements. You might trade a sense of achievement for that love and appreciation you do get.
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Section 4 of 4:

Origins of the 80/20 Rule

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    Born in Italy and making his career as a philosopher, he noticed that 20% of the pea plants in his garden produced 80% of the peas. When he applied this principle elsewhere, he found that it stood up: in Italy, around 80% of the land was owned by 20% of the population. He then coined the 80/20 rule, also called the Pareto Principle, which states that 80% of the results will come from 20% of the action. [10]
    • Different cultures use the 80/20 rule in different ways. For instance, in Japan, many people eat until they’re only 80% full to lose weight and stay fit.
    • In business, many people use the 80/20 rule to organize their tasks in order of importance. Dedicating 20% of your time to your most important goals produces 80% of the impact.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I commit to a relationship using the 80/20 rule?
    Julie Krizner
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Julie Krizner is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the Executive Director at Axiom Family Counseling Services. With over 10 years of professional experience in the mental health field, Julie is trained in trauma, marriage, and family therapy. Her clinics have programs that specialize in addiction and she has extensive knowledge about addiction and medications to assist with overcoming it. Julie is a Certified Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor in the state of Pennsylvania. She received her Bachelor's degree in Psychology from Saint Vincent College and a Master's in Mental Health Counseling from Capella University.
    Julie Krizner
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    An open line of communication with your partner is the most important part of your relationship. When using the 80/20 rule, make sure you know what that 20% is. Is it problematic? For instance, are they beating you? You have to look and see how much that 20% is affecting you.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-intimately/201905/how-true-love-tastes-the-8020-rule
      2. ↑ https://stylecaster.com/80-20-rule-dating/
      3. ↑ https://www.the-sun.com/lifestyle/6341596/what-is-the-80-20-rule-in-dating/
      4. ↑ https://stylecaster.com/80-20-rule-dating/
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-intimately/201905/how-true-love-tastes-the-8020-rule
      6. ↑ https://stylecaster.com/80-20-rule-dating/
      7. ↑ https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/20-relationship-rule-dating-help-couples
      8. ↑ https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/20-relationship-rule-dating-help-couples
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-intimately/201905/how-true-love-tastes-the-8020-rule
      1. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/kevinkruse/2016/03/07/80-20-rule/?sh=47d4763814ba

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