How to Accept Someone Close to You Coming Out As Gay

You may be experiencing a wide range of feelings if a close friend or family member has come out to you. If you want to keep this connection going, you'll have to accept this person for who they are. You will be showing your friend or relative the love and respect they deserve as a fellow human being if you accept them without judgment or criticism.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Finding Ways to Be More Accepting

  1. You've probably felt unfairly judged or ridiculed by people at some point in your life. This might have been because of your hobbies, personality, or anything you said or did. Consider how hurt your friend or relative would be if you turned them down because of something they couldn't change.
    • Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Being rejected over something so fundamental to your identity would be devastating, and you owe it to the people in your life to be kind.
    • Nothing you say or do will change who your friend or relative is, but the way you treat that individual will make a world of difference to how they feel.
  2. Radical acceptance entails accepting someone just as they are, without any opposition or desire to change them. The simplest approach to remember this is to remember that people do not choose to be LGBTQ; they were born with that sexual orientation, just as you were born with yours. [1]
    • Recognize that people are born with their sexual predispositions.
    • Your friend/relative did not "choose" to be gay any more than you "choose" to be heterosexual.
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  3. If you're having trouble getting rid of unpleasant ideas or feelings, it's a good idea to remind yourself why you care about this individual in the first place. You undoubtedly share a lot of similar interests and experiences, and you may have known one other for years, whether you're friends or family. The fact that this person is LGBTQ has no bearing on the experiences you've had or the interests you share.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Supporting Someone While They Come Out

  1. Keep whatever unfavorable feelings you have about this person being LGBTQ to yourself. It took a great deal of courage and vulnerability for them to come out to you, and expressing any rejection would be a significant insult. [2]
    • Remember that even if you disapprove of this individual's orientation, you're not going to change anything.
    • Expressing any kind of judgment or disapproval will only make your friend or relative feel hurt, and it may put a strain on your relationship in the future.
  2. Your friend or relative most likely only told a few people about their orientation at first, and you were one of them. This is a significant gesture of friendship and respect, and you should appreciate it. Thank this individual for being brave enough to tell you, and let him or her know how much you value their friendship.
    • Say something like, "I understand that it took a lot of courage to say that, and that you probably haven't told many people yet. Thank you for trusting me and opening up to me."
  3. It may have taken a lot of guts for your friend/relative to come out to you. They may have been apprehensive because of bad comments from other friends or family members. Offer a hug and renew your friendship to show this person that you care about them.
  4. This individual may have more things they want to talk to you about, such as other friends' or family members' reactions. You owe it to them to be there and listen if and when these (and other) issues come up in conversation.
    • Don't force them to talk about things if they don't want to.
    • Let them know that you're always there if they want to talk, and leave it at that.
  5. Other LGBTQ friends or relatives may exist among you, but they are frightened to come out to their peers. People in your life will know they can trust you and feel safe coming out to you if you continuously demonstrate support for LGBTQ individuals and speak out against homophobia.
    • Talk about current issues like marriage equality.
    • If you hear anyone use the word "gay" in a derogatory way or say any hateful slurs, speak up and tell that person it's not okay to say those things.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Being a Good Ally

  1. Even if you're not overtly homophobic, there's a chance you may have adopted certain biases or stereotypical images of LGBT individuals. Those biases/stereotypes may have come from the media, from other friends, or even from family members, but they're inherently offensive and inaccurate.
    • For the sake of your friend/relative, and to better yourself as a person, educate yourself on being LGBT. [3]
    • Remember that it's insulting to make generalizations about LGBT individuals, just as it would be insulting to make generalizations about any group of people.
    • Treat them as an individual and respect their personhood.
  2. There are many different terms used in the LGBT community, and your friend or relative may ask you to use certain terms while refraining from the use of others. Consider this a basic human courtesy, as it would be very insulting to refer to any other person you know by a name or term they didn't prefer. [4]
    • Many LGBTQ individuals use the term "queer" as an identifier of their sexuality. It should not be used to mean "weird" or "abnormal," as many LGBTQ individuals find these outdated uses of the word offensive.
    • If you're not sure what terms are preferred, simply ask your friend or relative which words to use and which words to avoid.
  3. Remember that at the end of the day, nothing has changed between the two of you. They've conveyed a deep trust for you, and you should be accepting and appreciative of that trust. However, just as you shouldn't challenge your friend or relative's sexual orientation, you should also avoid going to the opposite extreme, like defining your friend as "your gay (best) friend," for example. [5]
    • Treat them like you would treat any other friend or family member. Acknowledge and respect this individual's orientation, but don't define them by it.
  4. Depending on the culture you live in, your friend or relative may be subject to ridicule, name-calling, or even threats/acts of violence for being LGBTQ. If you witness anyone engaging in homophobic behavior, you should speak up for this person and stand by them in solidarity. [6]
    • Standing up for your friend/relative doesn't mean engaging in acts of violence, as this will not help anyone.
    • Speak up and be an ally by telling others that it's offensive and ignorant to use homophobic slurs.
    • Try to educate others and remind them that LGBTQ individuals deserve the same decency and respect that all people deserve.
  5. Your friend/relative may want to attend an organizational meeting or event geared toward LGBTQ identity and orientation. If you feel comfortable doing so, offer to go with this individual if they're nervous about attending for the first time. You'll be showing support while also educating yourself in the process. [7]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What's the best thing to say when someone comes out to you?
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Licensed Psychotherapist
    Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Licensed Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    There's no single "best" thing to say, but you should be loving and caring. It's important that the person coming out gets the support they deserve. Coming out takes a lot of courage, so be as supportive as you possibly can!
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201310/overwhelmed-negative-emotions-try-radical-acceptance
      2. ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. Licensed Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201104/what-do-when-your-child-says-im-gay
      4. ↑ http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/supporting-someone-who-coming-out
      5. ↑ http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/supporting-someone-who-coming-out
      6. ↑ http://nccc.georgetown.edu/documents/LGBT_Brief.pdf
      7. ↑ http://nccc.georgetown.edu/documents/LGBT_Brief.pdf

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