How to Accept Your Gay Child

It can be surprising when your child comes out to you. You may find it difficult to accept your child due to your hopes for their future or because it contradicts your religious beliefs. It can be difficult to reconcile your conflicting emotions with your love for your child. You can, however, learn to accept your child's homosexuality and, as a result, you may have a stronger relationship with them.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Talking to Your Child

  1. Even if you don't know how to handle the news that your child is gay, it's important to recognize that it was difficult for your child to tell you this. It requires a lot of courage on your child’s behalf and trust in you. Try to be proud of your child for having so much courage.
    • Tell your child that you know it was hard for them to tell you. For example, you could say, “I know this must have been difficult for you to talk to me about, but I am so glad that you did. It shows me that you trust me and that means so much to me.”
    • When you feel ready, you could say something to your child to show that you are proud of them for being so courageous. For example, you could say, “I am proud of you for having the courage to be so honest.” Or, “You are so courageous! I am so proud of you!”
  2. The fact that your child has decided to be open with you about their sexuality indicates that your child wants to be honest with you. While you may be struggling with learning that your child is gay, keep in mind that it is really an opportunity to develop a closer, stronger relationship with your child.
    • You could express this view with your child by saying, “I am looking forward to growing our relationship.”
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  3. Your child may deal with rejection at school, teasing, or even discrimination because of their sexuality, so your support will be crucial. You can be a shoulder to cry on, a constant source of love and acceptance, and a source of wisdom for your child during these difficult times.
    • If you notice that your child is struggling, then try saying something like, “I can see that you are going through a lot right now, but remember that I am always here for you.” Or, “I am willing to listen any time you want to talk.”
  4. Your child is probably worried about being rejected by you for being gay, so it is important to make sure that your child knows that you love them no matter what. Say something to reassure your child and let them know that you still love and care for them.
    • You can simply say, “I love you.” Or, “No matter what, you are still my child and I will always love you.”
  5. There are plenty of supportive, loving things you can say to your child, but there are also some things that you should not say to your child because it may upset them. [1]
    • Don’t say that you “suspected” that your child was gay. Indicating or stating outright that you already knew your child was gay may be extremely upsetting to them. Even if this is the case, do not tell your child that you suspected them of being gay.
    • Don’t bring religion into the conversation. Some people have strong religious beliefs that condemn homosexuality. Even if you hold these beliefs, do not bring them up to your child. Bringing this up will only distress your child. It will not change their sexual orientation.
  6. Everyone needs to learn about safe sex practices at some point, so you might consider raising this topic with your child after learning about their sexual orientation.
    • Explain the importance of using condoms to help prevent STDs, such as HIV and gonorrhea. [2]
    • Do your best to answer your child's questions about sex. If your child asks a question, make sure that you acknowledge the question and determine how much your child knows before you respond. For example, you might say something like, "That's a great question. Do you have any ideas about what the answer might be?" [3]
    • After you answer your child's question, check to see if they are satisfied with the answer. For example, you can say something like, "Does that make sense?"
  7. Just as you might listen if your child was struggling with a heterosexual relationship, you should also be willing to listen to your child if they are struggling in a same-sex relationship. Make sure that your child knows that they can talk to you any time.
    • For example, you might say something like, "How are things with your boyfriend/girlfriend?" Or, "I am always here to listen if you want to talk."
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Processing Your Feelings

  1. Although learning about your child’s sexuality may have changed the way you look at them, remember that your child is still the same child you knew before. The only difference is that you now know the truth about your child’s sexuality.
    • Many parents go through a period of grief when they learn about their child’s sexuality and this is normal. For example, you might feel sad because it seems as though some of the hopes and dreams that you had for your child will not be realized. However, keep in mind that even heterosexual children do not live up to all of their parents expectations, so this is just a part of being a parent.
  2. It is normal to experience a wide range of feelings when you first learn that your child is gay. These feelings may include self-blame, grief, worry, religious confusion, stigma concerns, or even relief. [4] You might be feeling a combination of different feelings, or your feelings might change from one day to the next.
    • Give yourself some time to feel what you are feeling. Although you may be anxious to get to the point of being able to accept your child, this can take some time.
    • Try writing about how you feel to understand your feelings a bit better. Start a journal and use it to keep a daily record of how you are feeling about your child’s news that they are gay.
  3. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or even an acquaintance about your feelings can help to provide some relief. [5] Make sure that the person is someone who is progressive and who will be sympathetic to your feelings. Steer clear of people who are openly biased about gay people or who have religious beliefs that might cause them to condemn your child for being gay.
    • Explain what happened. Tell your friend how you found out that your child is gay, how you reacted, how you are feeling now, and how you are trying to learn how to accept your child.
  4. If you do not feel comfortable talking to a friend or family member, or if you just need additional support, then you can also see a therapist. A licensed mental health professional can help you to work through your feelings and move towards accepting your child for who they are.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

  1. LGBT stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender. Since many people have misconceptions about what it means to be gay, it is helpful to learn as much as you can to ensure that you have an accurate understanding of your child’s sexuality.
    • PFLAG, GLAAD, and the American Psychological Association provide helpful essays and resources that can help you to learn more about LGBT people.
  2. Spending quality time with your child is important, but it might be even more important after you learn that your child is gay. By making plans with your child, you will be demonstrating that you still enjoy being with them.
    • Go shopping together, go to the beach, go for bike rides, play board games, or whatever you and your child like to do together.
    • You can also try making plans that support your child’s coming out. For example, you might help your child to plan and throw a coming out party. Or, you might invite your child and their significant other to dinner.
  3. Your child may encounter some difficult situations as they come out to other people, such as other loved ones, friends, and teachers. Therefore, your child may seek your advice for how to handle negative reactions. You can help your child by listening and helping them to solve problems.
    • Try to listen and respond to your child without judgement. Do not tell your child what they “should” or “should not” do.
    • You might also consider asking a trustworthy adult friend or family member who is gay if they would be willing to meet with your child and act as a role model. Having support from an adult who is also gay may be helpful for your child and helpful for you as well.
  4. It is also helpful to link up with other parents of gay children as you work towards accepting your child for being gay. Support groups such as PFLAG have local chapters and online forums so you can hear about other people’s experiences, share your experience, and get advice for how to accept your child.
  5. Once you have accepted your child for who they are, then you may want to help other parents do the same. Consider getting involved with a group like PFLAG and sharing your story. You might also look for opportunities to help others within your social circles, such as among your friends or coworkers.
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      Warnings

      • Never send your child to an ex-gay or conversion therapy group. These may cause PTSD or suicidal thoughts.
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      References

      1. ↑ http://www.care2.com/causes/how-to-react-when-someone-comes-out.html
      2. ↑ http://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=safer-sex-guidelines-for-adolescents-90-P01645
      3. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/files/2514/0034/8138/ParentGuide.pdf
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201104/what-do-when-your-child-says-im-gay
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201104/what-do-when-your-child-says-im-gay

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