How to Ask Someone If They Are Okay

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Plus, how to make sure you're in the right headspace to help
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Have you noticed your friend acting less like their cheerful selves or being quieter than usual? If something about their behavior strikes you as out of character, go with your instinct and try to find out what's going on. Your friend may want to talk to someone but don't know how to open up. Don't worry, we'll guide you through how to ask them if they're okay with empathy and without judgment, supported by expert tips from mental health experts.

Asking a Friend If They're Okay

  1. Start the conversation in a private area free of distractions and interruptions.
  2. Ask how they are ("How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling emotionally?")
  3. Mention a specific behavior that's been worrying you.
  4. Avoid pushing them, but assure them they can open up to you when they feel like it.
Section 1 of 5:

How to Ask Someone If They're Okay

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  1. Choose a quiet place to talk to your friend where you can be alone and minimize interruptions from other people. [1] Pick a time and place when the two of you can be comfortable and speak privately, like in the car, on a walk, or in your bedroom.
    • Ensure your friend isn't busy or distracted by something else, like a test they're cramming for. If they are, and you ask them if they're okay, they might put you off because they're too stressed or tired to try to answer.
  2. Once both of you are ready to talk, begin asking some questions. You can start by simply saying, "Are you okay?" Keep in mind that there are lots of ways to check how your friend is doing. Psychologist Dr. Lena Dicken, Psy.D, also suggests asking more specific questions like, "How have you been emotionally?" or "How has the past year been for you?" [2] These phrases signal that you're really asking about their mental wellbeing.
    • Starting the conversation can be the hardest part. Jump right in and allow them to respond however they choose.
    • If you ask "How are you?" and get a generic answer, Dr. Dicken says to ask again to show them you really want to talk. [3]
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  3. If something specific they've been doing is causing you to feel worried, bring it up. If your friend is surprised or somewhat defensive, speak calmly about what you've noticed and why it concerns you. [4]
    • For example, say, "I've noticed you're spending a lot of time alone lately. Are you doing okay?"
    • You can also say, "You've been really quiet and withdrawn. Is there something going on?"
    • Try to stick to objective observations without adding any assumptions or accusations.
  4. Licensed master social worker Sabrina Grover, LMSW, said that pushing someone to open up about their trauma is "the worst thing you can do." [5] If the person doesn't seem to want to respond to your questions, drop the subject and let them know you're there for them if they ever need to talk. [6]
    • Understand that it might take a few conversations for them to open up about whatever's going on. "It takes time," Grover says. "You have to let them come to you with their past. So… build a strong relationship. And when the time is right, they'll start to open up." [7]
    EXPERT TIP

    Lena Dicken, Psy.D

    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.
    Lena Dicken, Psy.D
    Clinical Psychologist

    Open up about how you're doing first. Talking about how you've been struggling and coping with your problems may make your friend feel more comfortable sharing their own feelings.

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Section 2 of 5:

How to Respond When They Open Up

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  1. Show you're actively listening to them. It's not enough just to ask your friend if they are okay. The important part comes next, when you show them that you're available to listen to and support them. Lean in and make eye contact frequently. Nod your head and give some feedback that you're listening by saying, "Uh huh" or, "I see." Repeat what they're saying in your own words to show that you understand the feelings they're expressing. [8]
    • For example, you can say, "I'm so sorry that makes you feel sad and angry."
    • Licensed professional counselor Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC, suggests slowing down and taking notes if you're trying to become a better listener. These strategies can help you focus on what your friend is telling you. [9]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 122 wikiHow readers how they like to cheer someone up, and 54% of them said listening and affirming their feelings without any judgment or criticism. [Take Poll]
  2. Even if you disagree with what the person is saying or with their actions so far, don't immediately say so or start an argument. Avoid blaming them for their experience, even if you think their problems are their fault. Keep in mind that you asked them if something is wrong. Whatever your opinion, keep it to yourself, at least for today. [10]
    • For example, if your friend admits they have a drug problem, don't chastise them for doing drugs. Instead, support them for admitting their problem.
  3. When listening to your friend open up, validate their experience and how it makes them feel. Show that you're sympathetic toward their problems and how they've chosen to deal with them so far (even if you don't agree with them or understand them). [11]
    • Try to simply empathize before offering any advice. You might ask, "What are you thinking about doing about that?" Helping them formulate their own solutions can make them feel empowered.
    • If you don't know what to say, consider saying, "It sounds like this is difficult for you" or simply, "That sucks."
  4. If their situation needs action, encourage them to take the next steps. Depending on the type of problems they're facing and how serious they are, you might advise them to talk to their family and friends, see a therapist, or look into rehabilitation facilities. You might also tell them to take some time off from work or school to rest. [12]
    • Say, "Thanks for opening up to me. I think it may be best for you to consider talking to a professional or getting some help."
  5. 5
    Offer support, but don't try to fix their problem. You can't fix someone else's problems or emotional struggles for them. Approach the conversation with the goal of providing support and understanding rather than offering a solution. [13] If the chance to offer a solution comes up — like if they ask for one — that's your cue to offer advice, even if it's just to talk to a therapist or a counselor.
  6. If your friend is suicidal, stay calm and stay with them. Talk with them about suicide and get help if they're in immediate distress. They might tell you how they're feeling or what they want to do. If you're worried, ask, "Are you thinking of hurting yourself or taking your life?" If the person is scared to ask for help, tell them to call the national suicide hotline (988) or emergency services (911). [14]
    • After the call, offer to help them find a mental health professional or follow up on whatever suggestions the hotline operator made.
    • Psychologist Dr. Urmi Patel, Psy.D, says that most often, thinking about suicide doesn't lead to the person actually committing the act. Instead, it's a "coping mechanism" they use to "vent out the situation." [15]
    • By being there for them and letting them talk about their suicidal thoughts without shaming them or rushing them to the hospital, Dr. Patel says, you may help them question whether their beliefs and perceptions of their situation "[are] really accurate." [16]
    • Another way Patel says you can help someone who has suicidal thoughts is by saying, "Let's also look at all the things you did today that could have been opportunities [for you to] take… your life, but you didn't." Then explore why they didn't take that drastic step. Even mundane activities like getting up, brushing their teeth, and driving to work are good instances to point out. [17]
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Section 3 of 5:

How to Prepare Yourself to Have the Conversation

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  1. 1
    Check on your mental health first. Before you talk to a friend who's struggling, it's important to check in on and help yourself . Ask yourself if you feel prepared to control your own emotions, remain calm, and resist passing judgment, no matter what the other person tells you. Ensure you're in a headspace where you can fully engage with them and offer objective advice when you're asked for it.
  2. Above everything else, start the conversation with the mindset that you're there to listen and stay fully present in the moment. Before asking them what's wrong, clear your mind of other problems and eliminate potential distractions as much as possible (e.g., set your cell phone ringer to silent). [18]
  3. 3
    Avoid thinking about how you'll respond. Grover suggests avoiding thinking about what you want to say in response to your friend. This strategy will help you "really be present in the moment" and focus on the other person. [19] If you're too preoccupied with deciding what to say, you may miss them saying something important.
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Section 4 of 5:

What to Do After Your Conversation

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  1. Check in on the person regularly to see how they're doing. Let them know you haven't forgotten about them. Send a text, call them, or arrange meetings in person. Let them know you're there to support them and help them when they need it. [20]
    • Continue asking, "How are you doing?" to follow up with them.
  2. 2
    Take care of yourself . You may think that since your friend is struggling, you should put all your energy and focus into caring for them. But taking care of yourself is just as important. Make sure you're meeting all your physical and emotional needs and that you feel safe. If you ever feel like your friend is treating you like their therapist, that's a sign you need to pull back. Encourage them to seek professional help while letting them know you'll always support them. [21]
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Section 5 of 5:

Final Thoughts

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  1. Ask someone if they're okay if you notice changes in their behavior. Look for signs that something is bothering them, like they're more withdrawn, they don't smile or laugh as much, or they're abusing substances. Be open and nonjudgmental, but don't try to fix their problems. Instead, listen to them, validate their feelings, and offer advice if they ask for it or seem like they're in distress. Above all, take care of your own mental health.

Expert Q&A

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Add New Question
  • Question
    What can I ask instead of "How are you?"
    Lena Dicken, Psy.D
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.
    Lena Dicken, Psy.D
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Try asking something like, "How have you been emotionally?" or "How has the past year affected you?" An open-ended question like that will really allow them to talk about their experiences, and it lets them know that you really want to know more.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How do you get someone to open up emotionally?
    Lena Dicken, Psy.D
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.
    Lena Dicken, Psy.D
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    It can be helpful to offer some of what you're feeling. A lot of people are worried about feeling vulnerable or sharing too much, so if you're honest and vulnerable about how you're doing, it creates safety for the other person to do the same.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      • If you feel after talking to your friend that they're in real danger of harming themselves, but they're refusing to get help, call the suicide hotline at 988 or dial 911 for emergency services.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://jedfoundation.org/resource/how-to-ask-someone-if-theyre-thinking-about-suicide/
      2. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
      3. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
      4. ↑ https://www.parkinsonsnsw.org.au/how-to-ask-are-you-ok/
      5. ↑ Sabrina Grover, LMSW. Licensed Master Social Worker. Expert Interview. 3 December 2021.
      6. ↑ https://www.parkinsonsnsw.org.au/how-to-ask-are-you-ok/
      7. ↑ Sabrina Grover, LMSW. Licensed Master Social Worker. Expert Interview. 3 December 2021.
      8. ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/05/how-to-listen-when-someone-is
      9. ↑ Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.
      1. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/stress/for-friends-and-family/
      2. ↑ https://jedfoundation.org/resource/how-to-ask-someone-if-theyre-thinking-about-suicide/
      3. ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/treatment-tests-and-therapies/how-to-help-someone-with-anxiety
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-emotional-meter/202308/how-not-to-get-pulled-into-the-problems-of-others
      5. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/talking-about-suicide.html#kha_21
      6. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      7. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      8. ↑ Urmi Patel, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 31 March 2022.
      9. ↑ https://www.activeminds.org/about-mental-health/be-there/
      10. ↑ Sabrina Grover, LMSW. Licensed Master Social Worker. Expert Interview. 3 December 2021.
      11. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/a-z-topics/friendship-and-mental-health
      12. ↑ https://childmind.org/article/support-friend-with-mental-health-challenges/

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you sense that something is wrong with your friend or loved one, asking them if they’re okay can let them know you’re there for them and give them space to talk about what’s wrong. Wait for a time when the two of you can be alone without any distractions. Then, ask them something like, “Are you okay? You seem a little off lately,” or “How are you doing? Do you want to talk about anything?” Try asking them twice if they give you a generic answer the first time to show you really care and are willing to listen. If they open up to you, be present and listen carefully to what they’re saying. Don’t feel like you need to offer solutions to their problems or give them your opinion about what’s going on. Just listening, acknowledging their feelings, and letting them know you’re willing to help can make a big difference. If you’ve ever faced a similar struggle, sharing your own experience can be really helpful and can show them that they’re not alone. If your friend or loved one isn’t ready to open up, don’t pressure them. Respect their decision and let them know you’re there if they do ever need to talk about anything. For more tips from our co-author, including how to ask someone if they’re suicidal, read on.

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