How to Stop Worrying about Being Cheated On

Expert tips to help you get over the fear of infidelity

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Dev Murphy, MA

Last Updated: November 15, 2024 Fact Checked

If you find yourself wondering who your partner is really texting or why they came home later than usual, you're not alone. Lots of people dwell on fears that they’re partner isn’t being completely faithful. However, while some insecurity is normal, a lack of trust can undermine a healthy relationship. The good news is you can improve trust and stop worrying about being cheated on. We'll walk you through how to let go of fears that your partner is cheating on you.

1

Stay off of their social media.

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Their activity may boost your anxiety, but it's likely nothing to worry about. If you’re worried your partner will cheat on you, these feelings will likely be exacerbated by seeing them talk to other people online, reading comments others have left on their posts, or scrolling through the list of people they’re following. The only way not to read into their online interactions and who they’re following is by avoiding their social media. ^{[1]
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Research source}
- This doesn’t mean not following your partner on social media or not keeping up with what they post; just try not to obsess over it, don’t check up on who they’re following, and when you find yourself in a particularly anxious or insecure headspace, log off and do something to help you calm down, like taking a walk.

2

Don't check their phone.

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Reading their texts is unlikely to help you overcome your anxiety. If you don't find something suspicious, it’s likely you’ll invent something to be suspicious about, simply because you’re already in an anxious, insecure headspace. Trust and let the phone owner have the freedom of doing what they want to on their phone.
- Relationships are built on trust. If your partner doesn’t know or consent to your looking at their phone, checking their texts and calls may form more of a gulf between you.
- Realize there’s a difference between secrecy and privacy. Your partner is entitled to privacy—but the more you pry into their private life, the more secretive they may act about it.
- If your partner does consent to you looking at their phone, still practice avoiding the temptation. Trusting your partner isn’t about being able to invade their privacy whenever you want; it’s about not feeling the urge to invade their privacy. Work on resisting that urge, and it’ll fade.

3

Maintain intimacy.

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Feeling distant from your partner may increase insecurity. Emotional intimacy is essential to maintaining a strong connection with your partner. If one or both of you has been busy or distracted lately, your intimacy level may drop and you may begin to feel unsure about where your relationship is going. To improve intimacy , take time for regular date nights and check-ins, and tell your partner you care about them at least a few times a week. ^{[2]
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Research source}
- Emotional intimacy is about ensuring you and your partner both feel loved, seen, and understood in the relationship. You can increase emotional intimacy by having weekly date nights, trying new things together (like a cooking class or vacationing), or taking time every evening to talk about your day. ^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  
  Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}
- For many—but not all—couples, sex is an important aspect of a relationship and it fosters emotional intimacy; if sex brings you and your partner closer together, having sex regularly may make you feel more secure about the relationship.

4

Maintain attraction.

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Be intentional about your appearance—not just for them, but for you. If you’re with someone long-term, it’s pretty much guaranteed you’ll both change a lot on the outside. But whether you’ve been together a week or a decade, feeling insecure about your appearance can leave you feeling unsure about your partner’s attraction to you. Taking time to be more intentional about your looks can make you feel more attractive —which will, ironically, make you more attractive to your partner as well. ^{[4]
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Research source}
- “Maintaining attraction” doesn’t mean trying to change your appearance to look how you think your partner wants—it just means being well-groomed and clean, picking out your clothes with care, and looking ways that make you feel good about yourself.
- Take a shower every day, brush your teeth and floss multiple times a day, chew gum so you have fresh breath, etc.

5

Set boundaries.

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Make sure you and your partner define "cheating" the same way. Infidelity, broadly speaking, involves any behavior your partner would consider a betrayal to your relationship. Beyond that, everyone defines cheating differently: is it “liking” a friend’s thirst trap on social media? Is it texting an ex without your partner’s knowledge? Some people are perfectly comfortable with all of these behaviors, while others aren’t. Discuss your expectations so that you both know where “the line” is and are both comfortable with the boundaries you set in place.
- Realize that the conversation around boundaries is one that you’ll likely keep having as your relationship goes along, and your feelings about what’s considered “cheating” may change over time. What’s important is to keep communicating your feelings with your partner.
- Reader Poll: We asked 121 wikiHow readers if they consider their partner cheating on them a dealbreaker, and 69% said yes . [Take Poll]
EXPERT TIP

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Use this conversation to address some of your concerns, too. If worries about infidelity really haunt you, an honest conversation with your partner could be a big help. Take this opportunity to reflect on your emotions and identify aspects of your relationship that might need attention.

6

Distract yourself.

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Diverting your attention can help you ignore intrusive thoughts. If you just can’t stop worrying about your partner cheating, try to distract yourself with another activity. Remember that everyone has anxious thoughts from time to time, and you don’t need to act on them.
- Laughter is the best medicine: throw on your favorite comedy movie or watch a stand-up routine. ^{[5]
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  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}
- Channel your anxiety into exercise . Exercise won’t just take your mind off your worries, it’ll also release feel-good endorphins that’ll lead to increased confidence. ^{[6]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}

7

Be confident.

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Realize your worth, independent of the relationship. If you’re unable to shake your fears of being cheated on, remember that your worth doesn’t depend on your relationship status. Take time to do things that make you feel confident about yourself—things that you feel passionate about and that you loved before you ever even met your partner. This may help you feel more independent. ^{[7]
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Research source}
- For some people, adultery is so scary because it feels like the end of the world. Thinking about how you would move forward after a betrayal may actually help the anxiety take up less space in your mind. It may be helpful to accept the reality that you could be hurt by your partner—and that you’ll still be OK.
- Remember that if your partner does cheat, it says more about them than about you. It’s not a failing on your part when someone you love betrays you.

8

Talk to a therapist.

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A professional counselor may help you address your anxieties. If you’re having trouble getting over your concerns about being cheated on, it may help to speak with a licensed therapist . They can help you unpack your fears and maybe pinpoint the root of your anxiety, whether it’s really founded in your partner’s behavior or in past experiences.
- Private therapy can help you address your feelings, but couples therapy may be beneficial as well: you won’t just get the opportunity to discuss and work on your insecurities, but to discuss them openly with your partner. They likely want to reassure you and help you overcome your fears.

Expert Q&A

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Question

Why is it so hard to trust in a relationship?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Trust is tricky because it's not a destination; instead, it's an active process that we engage in. It's not set in stone; instead, it's an ongoing piece of clay that you're molding with another person.

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Question

How do I make sure my boyfriend isn't cheating?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Take a close look at your relationship in the short term. Have there been any signs indicating that your boyfriend is lying? When you ask your boyfriend something, is he open and willing to explain what's going on? Do your best to communicate with your BF instead of jumping to any conclusions.

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Question

What is one of the most effective ways to build trust?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Give it time! Your trust is going to increase when your partner is reliable and provides consistent answers over time.

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How to Stop Worrying about Being Cheated On

Steps

Stay off of their social media.

Don't check their phone.

Maintain intimacy.

Maintain attraction.

Set boundaries.

Distract yourself.

Be confident.

Talk to a therapist.

Expert Q&A

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Tips

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