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When you break up with someone, sometimes you still want to hold on to that relationship, though it's necessary to change the nature of the relationship itself. With the shared history between you and your ex, it's only natural to want to remain a part of each others' lives, even if you've decided you're not right as a couple. Whatever the reason, you can be friends with your ex if you take the appropriate steps to set boundaries, protect your emotions, and embrace the shift in your relationship. We'll show you how.
Steps
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Break up in a civil way. If you're going to remain friends, you can't have a dramatic, no-holds-barred breakup. When you're breaking up with each other, you need to resolve any major issues without slinging mud and hatred at each other. [1] X Research source
- That doesn't mean that you need to breakup without any sadness. Of course you're both going to be upset and sad. It's hard to let go of something so important to your life. However, it does mean that you need to be respectful of each other to the end.
- Before deciding if you want to be friends, consider how you broke up. If you were constantly fighting, didn't like to be together, and stopped having good conversations, you may not want to continue any kind of relationship. [2] X Research source
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Take some time apart, especially on social media. Once you break up with each other, you need to take some time away from each other. You can't just jump from being lovey-dovey to being friends. You can't rush this period; each of you has to be ready to move into a different type of relationship. [3] X Expert Source Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 21 June 2019. There is no set amount of time to determine how long the transition to friendship will take because it is unique to every situation and each person involved. [4] X Research source- Mute their posts on social media or unfollow them for a while.
- Try to go no contact for a while in order to give yourselves space to heal and accept the change in the relationship.
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Figure out your new normal. While you're apart, figure out how your new life is going to look. Time once filled with being with your significant other now has to be filled with something else. Find ways to make your life joyful, from spending time with good friends to picking up a hobby like painting or rock climbing. [5] X Expert Source Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.- It doesn't matter what you do, you just need to figure out new habits, so you don't slip into old ones with your ex.
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Take care of yourself. Letting go is a grieving process, and that's fine. However, you need to make sure you are still taking care of yourself and your health. Try to sleep on a schedule, and eat well. If you're feeling down, treat yourself to something fun, such as a nice dinner, a pedicure, or a ticket to a basketball game. [6] X Research source
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Let the past stay in the past. While it may be tempting to rehash old arguments, once you're friends, it's time to let it go. You don't have a right to criticize how he spends his time or how she likes to dress. Be supportive, and try not to move into old patterns of criticism. Talk through your feelings with the other person and then try your best to move on. [7] X Expert Source Cherlyn Chong
Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 21 June 2019. -
Think about how it was before. That is, if you were friends before you got together, think about how you interacted then. That can help you forge ahead with a new relationship. [8] X Research source
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Move slowly. Don't jump into going out three times a week. Stick with a couple a times a month at first. Too much too quickly could force the friendship to break apart.
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Pick your meet-ups wisely. If you try to do the same things you always did as a couple, you're likely to find it awkward. You associate those places with the romantic side of the relationship, and you're trying to create a different type of relationship. Therefore, it's best to pick new things to do together, especially things that won't leave you alone together. [9] X Research source
- Try going out with a group of friends, for instance, or heading to somewhere with a big crowd, such as big concert. [10] X Research source
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Skip the intimate conversations. You don't have the same conversations with a lover that you do with a friend. If you want to keep your ex at a friendship level, you need to keep the conversations there, too. [11] X Research source Focus on general topics such as current world news instead of very personal ones like your dog passing away.
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Be prepared for "no." Your ex may decide he or she doesn't want to be friends with you, and that's fine. Sometimes, you just have too much history with a person to move on in a different capacity.
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Make it clear to your friends and family. If you're constantly having to deal with questions about why you're still friends with the person, it can hinder your friendship. Tell your friends and family that you are going to be friends with the person, and you expect them to support that decision. [12] X Research source
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Respect boundaries. You both need to make boundaries about when it's appropriate to call or stop by. You also need to decide where you're willing to go together. Basically, any form of contact with each other needs rules that you both need to respect and follow. You may decide to no longer go to the same restaurants you used to dine at while you were a couple.
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Make sure you've moved on. That is, to truly be friends, you can't be hanging on to the idea that you can still get back together with your ex. Examine your feelings and see if you think you are over the person enough to hang out with him or her without being more involved. [13] X Research source
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Be prepared for new relationships. It will be hard to see your ex with someone new, but you need to realize it's going to happen. While neither of you needs to rub it in the other's face, it's bound to happen sooner or later that one of you gets with someone new. You'll only be able to be friends with the person if you realize that he or she has the right to be with someone new. [14] X Research source
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References
- ↑ http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/09/how-nice-people-break-up.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/07/friends-after-a-breakup_n_5105506.html
- ↑ Cherlyn Chong. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201310/5-myths-recovery-after-your-break
- ↑ Cherlyn Chong. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.
- ↑ http://teenhealthsource.com/relationships/after-the-break-up/
- ↑ Cherlyn Chong. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 21 June 2019.
- ↑ http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/9/27/we-can-still-be-friends-six-ways-you-can-stay-friends-after.html
- ↑ http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/should-you-really-stay-friends-after-the-relationship-is-over/#.VgtcGpdlxj8
- ↑ http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/should-you-really-stay-friends-after-the-relationship-is-over/#.VgtcGpdlxj8
- ↑ http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/should-you-really-stay-friends-after-the-relationship-is-over/#.VgtcGpdlxj8
- ↑ http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/9/27/we-can-still-be-friends-six-ways-you-can-stay-friends-after.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemporary-psychoanalysis-in-action/201310/why-can-t-i-get-over-my-ex
- ↑ http://lifehacker.com/how-to-get-along-with-your-ex-after-a-breakup-1671056421
About This Article
Article Summary
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Breaking up doesn’t have to mean goodbye. If you and your ex are both willing to put in a lot of work, you can still be friends. Take some time apart so you can both heal and move past any lingering hurt or anger. You might need to completely cut off contact for a while. Once you both feel more stable, reach out to your ex and let them know you want to be friends, but take it slow. Set firm boundaries with each other like agreeing to only meet once or twice a week or just hanging out in groups. Avoid talking about the past too much or bringing up old arguments. If you feel uncomfortable with how things are going, check in with your ex and redefine your boundaries. Be prepared for some complicated feelings, especially if one of you starts a new relationship. It’s okay to take breaks or even move on from the friendship if it’s not working out.
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