How to Talk Less and Improve Your Listening Skills

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Overcome the habit of dominating conversations
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When you tend to talk too much, people undervalue what it is you bring to the table. While talking is not a bad thing, being too talkative can lead to issues with socializing and making friends. Fostering new relationships and maintaining the ones you have means learning when to speak and especially when not to. To do this, you may need to practice some basic skills. In this article, we go over ways to be less talkative, potential causes, and more with the help of a professional counselor, a psychologist, and a life coach. Read out to learn how to talk less.

Ways to Talk Less

Think before you speak and only say something if it is relevant to the conversation. Practice what you want to say before a conversation so you don’t overshare. Avoid interrupting people, as it can come off as rude or disrespectful. Keep your conversations balanced by asking questions about the other person.

Section 1 of 6:

How to Talk Less

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  1. When the other person hints that they want to talk, do something to show that they have your full, undivided attention. Close the book you're reading or put down your phone and face your body towards them with open arms to show them that you’re ready to listen. [1]
    • Make sure your body language reads fully engaged. Lean forward slightly and maintain eye contact as they speak to you. [2]
    • Smile softly if the tone of the conversation calls for it and give an occasional nod to show that you're listening without talking to interrupt. [3]
    • To show that you understand what's being said, summarize and repeat what was said to you by paraphrasing. [4]
  2. Always try to think twice before you speak. Listen to others, try to understand the topic, and be sure of what you want to contribute. If you are confused about the topic at hand, think about questions to ask that can grant you clarity. [5]
    • Avoid saying more than you have to be by taking a moment to reflect after the speaker asks you for your opinion.
    • Pause for a beat, and if needed, say, "Give me a minute to think about it." Reflect, exercise restraint, and then add your two cents to the conversation. [6]
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  3. Interrupting looks like talking over someone or putting your thoughts into the conversation before it is your turn. When you’re in conversation let the person speak; you will get your turn to contribute and avoid making the other person feel invalidated in the process. [7]
    • If you're trying to interrupt someone while they're speaking, take a mental note until they're done.
    • If you have a hard time remembering things, use a notepad or your phone to jot down your thoughts and talk about them when it's your turn to speak. [8]
    • Try to catch yourself when you interrupt other people. Look at them for facial cues, like an eye roll or a glance to the side, to keep you alert. If you catch yourself interrupting, say, "I'm sorry, go on." or "My bad, go ahead." [9]
    • Life coach Nicolette Tura says to focus on how well you’re listening to avoid interrupting people. Acknowledge that you see and hear them, take a moment to breathe, and stay present. [10]
  4. Try to stay on topic. Discuss what makes sense and try to stay away from examples that may seem irrelevant, unreasonable, and ambiguous. Give simple facts and clear logic that will help the listener to gain some sense.
    • Use silence and the context of the conversation as guidelines for when to talk. If someone is venting to you, it's probably not a great time to talk about a rave you have been trying to attend for weeks.
    • If you don't know what you want to say, ask more investigative questions, such as “What does this mean? Who can we hold responsible, how, and why?” This encourages the person to speak more. [11]
    • Try to ask open-ended questions, as they allow the person to speak more while allowing you to speak less.
  5. Focus on streamlining your thoughts and keeping things concise. Practice what you’re going to say in the mirror or briefly go over conversation topics beforehand. Ask yourself things like “How is the job going?” and “What have you been up to?” to help organize your thoughts and avoid trailing off.
    • Make sure there’s a point to what you’re talking about by knowing the intention behind what you’re going to say.
  6. In balanced conversations, both people say what they have to say. Rather than talking until something comes up, balance the conversation by saying things like “Enough about me. What do you think?” and “I know we’ve been talking a lot about my opinion, I want to hear your opinion, too!” Avoid cutting in as soon as you or the other person finishes their thought, though. They may have other things to say. [12]
    • If you have a question about something or need clarification, don’t interrupt the person while they’re talking. Instead, wait for them to finish their thought, then respond.
  7. Record yourself talking and see if you start to veer off topic. If so, challenge yourself to make your point in under one minute. Once you’re able to do that, try to make your point in 30 seconds. This exercise can help you stay on topic and avoid rambling.
    • People’s attention spans have been shrinking for decades, so try to keep your ideas concise and to the point. [13]
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Section 2 of 6:

How to Be a Better Listener

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  1. If you feel uncomfortable in silence, then you may feel internal pressure to fill that silence with speech. As a result, you may talk too much to cope with the awkward feelings brought on by the silence. Luckily, you can learn to sit with these feelings by practicing sitting in silence.
    • Sitting in silence helps you observe your thoughts better and be more mindful about what’s happening in the moment, which are both helpful for improving listening. [14]
    • Ask a close friend or family member to sit with you in silence. Make a pact not to talk for a set period of time. Keep doing this until you don't feel awkward anymore.
  2. Hearing is strictly an auditory process. Listening is whole and involves the ears, the heart, mind, soul, and body. To actively listen, it’s best to be fully present and in the moment. [15]
    • Find genuine interest in being present with people you're speaking with. Give attention, show concern, and prepare yourself to learn something from people you interact with.
    • Put yourself on the back burner and listen without expectation or need to fill space with talking about yourself.
  3. When you quiet down and focus less on bringing attention to yourself, you free your focus up to the person you're talking to, which allows for better listening. Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say while the other person is talking, actively listen to them and hear what they have to say. [16]
    • Good listening is 80% being patient and listening to the other person without interruption and 20% reflecting and following up for more information. [17]
    • Be fully present in those moments, without thinking about the past, future, or your intentions, focus solely on the person speaking to you.
    • To be a better listener, professional counselor Stefanie Barthmare says to “Slow down. Pay attention to what is happening inside you as you are listening. Take notes. Limit interruptions.” [18]
  4. Picking up changes in baseline behavior like a person's voice, face, or body language is something good listeners are great at doing. Adapt to those changes accordingly as you listen. If you notice someone’s voice lower to a whisper and they lean in close, pay attention, as they are likely about to say something confidential. [19]
    • If the speaker suddenly has tension in their voice, face, or body language, appear non-confrontational and relaxed to mellow out the situation. [20]
    • If the speaker seems emotionally charged and is raising his or her voice suddenly, nod your head in concern or lean forward to make the person feel like they have support in their emotions.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 374 wikiHow readers which rude behavior they think they need to work on most, and 57% of them said speaking in an inappropriate tone or volume. [Take Poll] Paying attention to how others speak can help you determine the tone and volume with which you should respond.
  5. When you listen to someone without being judgmental in your responses, you can prevent them from shutting down and help them feel a sense of freedom and acceptance. You may also gain acceptance from them too. [21]
    • According to psychologist Elisha Goldstein, the two pillars of acceptance are understanding and caring. If you care about others and work to understand them, that will make it easier to accept them. [22]
    • Respect the other person and contribute to the conversation rather than judging beliefs you might disagree with.
    • Remember facial expressions such as a visible wince, eye rolls, or body language speak as loudly as any verbal judgmental response would.
    • Accepting someone's ideas does not necessarily mean you agree with them. Understanding through listening does not mean your opinions become mutually in sync with one another.
  6. Rationally decide when it is okay to listen and when it is okay to respond and ask follow-up questions. Timing and restraint is everything. [23]
    • Think of the outcome of talking. Will it affect the conversation and relationship positively or negatively? Never let your desire to impress ruin how you relate to people.
    • Use the following question as a guideline to help you speak less: "Do I want to speak to add true content or am I just trying to fill up space?"
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Section 3 of 6:

Embracing Silence

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  1. A lot of times, the need to talk is a reaction from being overstimulated by things you find on Twitter, YouTube, Snapchat, and other social media platforms. Spend some time away from those distractions and reconnect with yourself and you may find that you have less to talk about. [24]
    • Find joy in silence by unplugging and replace online distraction with something like arts and crafts projects. [25]
  2. If the people around you seem increasingly disinterested in what you have to say, write your thoughts down in a journal . Journaling can help you learn to express yourself while maintaining self-restraint in how you impose your thoughts on others. [26]
    • Let your thoughts freely flow when you’re journaling. You don’t have to make sense or have rhyme or reason.
    • Look up journaling prompts online if you’re struggling with figuring out what to write.
    • Journal with a paper and pen or write your thoughts in an empty document online.
  3. Meditation doesn't have to be an intense yoga experience where you sit in absolute silence with your back against the wall. It can be as simple as taking five to ten minutes out of your day to sit with and become more aware of your thoughts and appreciate the art of being quiet. [27]
    • You can find several apps to help you with your meditation, including Insight Timer, Calm, and Headspace.
    • If being in absolute silence intimidates you, meditate in other ways and in other areas. Meditate in the shower, center yourself, or allow music to act as a soundtrack in those moments.
    • The more you practice, the more you’ll become at ease with yourself. You may start to realize that you don't have to talk as much to feel fulfilled.
  4. Often the key to being quiet in an organic way is to insert yourself in situations that demand your attention in a healthy way. One of the best ways to accomplish this is by being one with the things that surround you everyday. Take time to appreciate nature, your home, and other surroundings.
    • Take 10-15 minutes to go outside and appreciate the sun and wind on your body. [28] Admire the clouds in the sky, their shapes, and their sizes.
    • Take a walk down a busy street and pay attention to all of the passing sights and sounds. Try to isolate which sounds come from where: a car honk in the distance, a baby crying right next to you, or a text message alert.
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Section 4 of 6:

Signs of Excessive Talking

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  1. If you find yourself interrupting others, talking over them, or spending more time talking than listening to them, that’s a strong sign that you talk too much. You may make the topic of conversation about you, do most of the talking in group situations, or have times when you dominate the conversation without letting others get a word in, all of which are signs you talk too much. [29]
    • If you talk over others, they may feel unheard and be less eager to talk to you in the future.
  2. If you tend to say whatever comes to your mind without thinking you may talk too much. Saying something impulsively here and there doesn’t mean you overtalk, but if you regularly let your impulsive thoughts come out unfiltered, that’s a sign that you talk too much. [30]
  3. Everyone has moments where they speak when they aren’t supposed to. Like when the teacher is talking or during a test. But if you constantly find yourself talking when you aren’t supposed to, like during meetings, lectures, or intense work days where everyone is trying to focus, that’s a sign that you talk too much. [31]
    • Try jotting your thoughts down in a notebook or online document to avoid speaking during inappropriate moments.
  4. Silence is a regular part of conversation, but if you talk too much, you may find yourself wanting to fill every bit of silence with a new topic, phrase, or funny thing you saw online. If you tend to fill silence with everything that comes to mind, that’s a sign that you talk too much. [32]
  5. If you let your mind wander, seem disinterested, distracted, or impatient, and tend to interrupt while others are talking, you may have a hard time listening. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it can cause you to steer conversations in your favor and talk too much about yourself and your interests without listening to what the other person has to say, which is a strong sign that you talk too much. [33]
  6. If you go into a conversation intending to talk about what you had for dinner but end up talking about your dinner, the gossip from dinner, what you had for dessert, why the dessert wasn’t good, and more, that’s a sign that you talk too much. Rambling typically consists of tangents that are unrelated to the original topic, unnecessarily long, detailed stories, and frequent sidetracking into things that are irrelevant. [34]
  7. If you start talking and notice others start to check out or play on their phone, that may be a sign that you talk too much. For example, they may make brief eye contact before looking back at their phone or give light responses, like “mhm,” “yup,” and “on god” when you’re talking. [35]
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Section 5 of 6:

Types of Excessive Talking

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  1. You may have pressured speech, which involves rapid, forceful talking. Pressured speech is characterized by fast, frantic talking that tends to be hard to stop. When you’re afflicted with pressured speech, you tend to talk more than you usually do at a much faster pace, and in some cases, louder than you usually do. You may even feel like you can’t control the words coming out of your mouth. [36]
    • Pressured speech is a symptom of bipolar disorder. If you’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you may be having a manic episode if your speech is pressured. [37]
    • With pressured speech, you tend to switch between seemingly unrelated topics on a whim.
  2. You may be hyperverbal, which refers to fast, increased speech. Hyperverbal speech is fast and increased. If you are hyperverbal, you may try to get everything you have to say out before letting someone else speak or find yourself having trouble waiting your turn to speak. You may even interrupt people regularly. [38]
    • Unlike pressured speech, hyperverbal speech doesn’t involve rapid shifting between topics.
    • Hyperverbal speech is a symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and anxiety.
  3. Your speech may be disorganized if you rapidly switch between unrelated topics. Disorganized speech is characterized by quick switching between topics that are seemingly unrelated. You may reply to questions with answers that are seemingly out of left field, create new words, or cite ideas that are vaguely related to the topic at hand. [39]
    • If someone asks “How was your day?” and you respond by saying something like “Yesterday sucked, but it wasn’t too bad, so I can’t complain about tomorrow,” your speech may be disorganized.
    • Disorganized speech is a key symptom of schizophrenia and other disorders involving psychosis.
  4. Also known as “talkaholism,” compulsive communication is characterized by frequently talking more than others, struggling to stay quiet in necessary situations, like school and work. If you are a compulsive communicator, you may have a tendency to take over conversations and may talk despite knowing the person you’re talking to is ready to leave the conversation. [40]
    • Compulsive talkers tend not to care much about criticism and negative comments from other people.
  5. If you ramble or constantly talk, it may be because of social anxiety. Social anxiety is characterized by fear and anxiety around social situations that disrupts your life. This can cause you to talk more than you want to and go off on tangents out of fear of being embarrassed, saying the wrong thing or being judged by other people. [41]
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Section 6 of 6:

Final Takeaways

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  1. Just because you talk a lot doesn’t mean you talk too much. You may just be extroverted and have a tendency to talk more than others. But, if you notice that others tend to feel overshadowed when you talk, slow down and open the conversation up to them. Ask them questions and make eye contact, face them, and listen to hear what they have to say, not to respond. [42]

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I train myself to be quiet?
    Kirsten Parker, MFA
    Mindset & Action Coach
    Kirsten Parker is a Mindset and Action Coach based in her hometown of Los Angeles, California. She helps high achievers overcome stress and self-doubt. She specializes in increasing one's confidence and clarity by incorporating tools from positive psychology, mindful habit change, and self-regulation into her coaching. She is a Certified HeartMath Practitioner trained in Stress, Anxiety, and Intelligent Energy Management along with Emotional Intelligence and the Science of Self-Acceptance. She also holds an MFA from Yale University School of Drama in Stage Management.
    Kirsten Parker, MFA
    Mindset & Action Coach
    Expert Answer
    Start paying more attention to the other people talking. Listen to them fully and be present in the conversation.
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  • Question
    I'm so talkative. My husband irritates me so many times. How can I control my tongue?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Start by being aware of your emotions. You may even be talking more due to your irritation. Before you talk to your husband, take some time to calm down. Then, consider why you are getting irritated. By being self-aware, you can gain control over your talkativeness.
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    How do I stop saying the wrong thing in a conversation?
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    Have a personal filter. Think before you speak. Know how your comments will affect the person you are speaking to before making them.
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      • Try not to contradict yourself.
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      • Realize why you talk so much and do your best to curb it by enjoying moments of silence and listening better to friends, family, and professionals.
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      • Excessive talking isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, it’s just a sign that you’re extroverted and haven’t learned how to slow down when you speak.
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      Tips from our Readers

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      • Don’t just prohibit yourself from talking. Make it a goal for yourself to realize when you don’t want to talk. Don’t think of it as a rule against expressing yourself but rather a goal to better express who you want to be.
      • Try to focus on the conversation if you’re a bit scatterbrained, or you might end up talking more than you need to.
      • Try not to let your excitement cloud your judgement when it comes to knowing what to say (and not say).
      • Remember, you'll talk more about something if you're interested in the subject.
      • Remember that it will take time to get comfortable with talking less.
      • Practice talking to yourself to help get thoughts out of your head.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/how-to-talk-about-health-problems/active-listening
      2. ↑ https://www.globallisteningcentre.org/body-language-of-listeners/
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/active-listening
      4. ↑ https://healthcare.utah.edu/the-scope/shows.php?shows=0_lw7a40k7
      5. ↑ https://hbr.org/2021/12/how-to-become-a-better-listener
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening
      7. ↑ https://www.umcnic.org/media/files/laity/2%20BECOME%20A%20BETTER%20LISTENER.pdf
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/am-i-my-genes/202010/do-you-get-interrupted-while-speaking
      9. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/037821669290084O
      1. ↑ Nicolette Tura, MA. Empowerment Coach. Expert Interview. 23 January 2020.
      2. ↑ https://habs.uq.edu.au/blog/2023/09/9-ways-improve-your-listening-skills-and-support-your-friends
      3. ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/stop-being-pretentious/
      4. ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/attention-spans
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-hidden-benefits-of-silence#mindfulness
      6. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening
      8. ↑ https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-matters-magazine/wellbeing/how-to-talk-about-health-problems/active-listening
      9. ↑ Stefanie Barthmare, M.Ed., LPC. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 May 2021.
      10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/nonverbal-communication
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/nonverbal-communication
      12. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/19-ways-show-s-o-love-without-saying-word/
      13. ↑ Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 25 April 2023.
      14. ↑ https://www.amanet.org/articles/tell-me-less-some-things-are-better-left-unsaid/
      15. ↑ https://www.uwhealth.org/news/taking-technology-break-can-help-health
      16. ↑ https://www.rtor.org/2018/07/10/benefits-of-art-therapy/
      17. ↑ https://toolkit.lifeline.org.au/articles/techniques/journaling-your-thoughts-and-feelings
      18. ↑ https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2018/04/less-stress-clearer-thoughts-with-mindfulness-meditation/
      19. ↑ https://health.ucdavis.edu/blog/cultivating-health/3-ways-getting-outside-into-nature-helps-improve-your-health/2023/05
      20. ↑ https://www.growthtactics.net/signs-you-talk-too-much/
      21. ↑ https://www.embarkbh.com/blog/mental-health/excessive-talking/
      22. ↑ https://www.embarkbh.com/blog/mental-health/excessive-talking/
      23. ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/talk-too-much/
      24. ↑ https://www.growthtactics.net/signs-you-talk-too-much/#3_You_Have_Trouble_Listening
      25. ↑ https://www.growthtactics.net/signs-you-talk-too-much/#4_You_Ramble_and_Overshare
      26. ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/talk-too-much/
      27. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/bipolar/pressured-speech
      28. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/a_to_z/bipolar-disorder-manic-depressive-illness-or-manic-depression-a-to-z
      29. ↑ https://www.embarkbh.com/blog/mental-health/excessive-talking/#h-hyperverbal-speech
      30. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/schizophrenia/disorganized-speech#definition
      31. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/personality-disorders/compulsive-talking-personality-disorder-or-idiosyncrasy/
      32. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/social-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353561
      33. ↑ https://wayne.edu/learning-communities/pdf/becoming-active-listener-13.pdf

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      One way you can be less talkative is by taking a moment to think before you speak to make sure you say exactly what you mean. Additionally, when you’re in a conversation, focus on listening to the person talking instead of on what you’re going to say next. Then, when it’s your turn to speak, try asking questions to further the conversation rather than changing the topic to what you want to talk about. If you’re still having trouble talking too much, try spending some time away from social media, which can be overstimulating and give you too many things to talk about. To learn how to become more comfortable with silence in conversations, read on!

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