How to Bond with an Extremely Shy Person

Forming a bond with a shy person can be tricky and difficult to understand, especially if you are an extrovert. Shy people are often introverts and prefer to keep to themselves. It is important to recognize the needs of the shy person while you work on forming a strong bond with them. Before trying to build a strong bond, you must develop a solid friendship and build their trust. The more they trust you and feel comfortable around you, the stronger your bond will be.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Developing a Friendship

  1. Use these common interests to help form a bond. Discuss your common interests frequently and use them to make conversation when there is nothing to talk about. [1] [2]
    • Once you find a common interest, try researching that topic in order to have more information to contribute to the next conversation.
    • For example, if you both have a love for music, consider asking the person what they've been listening to lately. You might also want to invite them to a concert or open mic night.
  2. It will take a while for them to warm up to you. Even when they do warm up to you, they may not always have a lot to say during a conversation. Accept that you may be the one doing the majority of the talking. [3]
    • Try to avoid small talk. Instead of asking about the weather or their plans for the weekend, try something a little deeper. The person may respond to conversations about topics such as personal values, morals, philosophy, and so on.
    • Avoid topics that you disagree on or that are extremely controversial.
    • As the person warms up to you, they may become more open to small talk or talking about themselves.
    Advertisement
  3. Don’t put them on the spot in front of a bunch of people. Avoid asking them questions in large groups. You should also avoid asking them to go to with you to a party, club, or large social gathering. You should keep their social needs in mind when inviting them to new places. Shy people usually don’t enjoy being around large groups of people. [4]
    • For example, if you and this shy person are out to dinner with a large group of friends, don’t say something like, “How was your day at work today?” in front of everyone. If possible, try to have a more private, side conversation with the person.
  4. Build your friendship slowly and gradually increase the amount of time that you spend together. Shy people are often introverts who are overwhelmed by social interactions and need alone or down time to restore their energy. Let them get to know you and build a personal bond before introducing them to friends or family. [5]
    • This isn't to say a shy person won't occasionally want to go out to a party or bar or crowded place, but it is likely they won't want to stay there all night. They may also not be interested in hanging out multiple days in a row — if they are introverted, they will need time to themselves to decompress and recharge.
    • Don’t spend the whole day with them. Shy people like to have some alone time. Instead, invite them to a quiet coffee shop or on a walk in the park.
    Advertisement
Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Building Trust

  1. Shy people often do not enjoy large, or even small, groups of people. Use one-on-one interactions with a shy person as a way to form a deeper bond — they will likely value time with someone who takes the time to authentically listen to what they have to say.
    • Remember your body language. Don’t stand too close to them and don’t hold eye contact for too long. Make it natural and comfortable.
    • For example, a one-on-one walk in the park is the perfect time to ask your shy friend, “How was your day at work?”
  2. You cannot and should not change them. Shy people have a lot of great qualities and can bring a lot into a friendship. They are often good listeners and make a great shoulder to lean on during troubling times. [6]
    • Avoid pointing out their shyness by saying something like, “Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad at me?” The shy person probably knows that they are shy and might even be self-conscious about it.
    • Don’t push them out of their comfort zone too quickly.
  3. Don’t lie or make excuses. Be honest about your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Shy people are often slow to give their trust. You must earn and keep their trust. If you are caught lying or being dishonest you stand a chance at losing their trust, which may be difficult to get back. [7]
    • For example, if they ask you to go to dinner tomorrow night and you are not interested in going, don’t lie and tell them that you have other plans. Instead, politely decline their invitation and suggest that you get together another time.
    Advertisement
Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Maintaining Your Friendship

  1. Listen to them when they need to talk. Help them out when they are going through a rough patch. Make sure that you keep in touch and schedule regular time to see them. Be the kind of friend that you would like to have. [8]
    • Remember important dates and be sure to reach out to them on that date. For example, if you know that they have a job interview on Friday be sure to send them a text wishing them luck or asking if they want to talk about how it went.
    • Coordinate meals for them if they are going through a rough time, like a death in the family.
  2. Everyone likes to receive affirmations. Recognize when they are being a good friend and find ways to appreciate it. You can show your appreciation verbally or in writing. [9]
    • Give them a meaningful gift. Even a small gift can really show someone that you appreciate them. [10]
    • Remember to send a “thank you” card when they do something very nice for you.
  3. Encourage them to be the best person that they can be. Share in their emotional experiences. Give them emotional support when they are down. Laugh with them when they make a mistake. Show them that you will support them throughout the fun and the tough times in their life. [11]
    • Encourage them to take some risks. Shy people are not usually risk takers. For example, push them to accept a request for a date from someone that they are really interested in.
    Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    What do you do while talking with someone who is shy?
    Eddy Baller
    Dating Coach
    Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence-building, advanced social and communication skills, and building meaningful relationships. He offers in-person, 1:1 coaching for men where they can meet women and get live feedback. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve.
    Eddy Baller
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Avoid constant eye contact. Instead, make your eye contact natural and less intimidating.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 0 Helpful 1
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit

      Advertisement

      Tips

      Advertisement

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Identify Measles
      How to
      Take Tylenol Arthritis: Dosage, Safety Info, and More
      How to
      Relieve Lower Back Tightness
      How to
      Get Rid of Bad Back Pain
      How to
      Get Rid of Lower Belly Fat
      How to
      Treat Severe Constipation
      How to
      Recover from a Bone Fracture
      How to
      Lower A1C Levels
      How to
      Treat Sun Poisoning
      How to
      Get Rid of Parasites
      How to
      Survive a Heart Attack when Alone
      How to
      Take Honey for a Sore Throat
      How to
      Get a Blue Badge
      How to
      Stop Aching in Your Bones
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ Eddy Baller. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.
      2. ↑ https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-befriend-a-shy-introvert/
      3. ↑ https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-befriend-a-shy-introvert/
      4. ↑ https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-befriend-a-shy-introvert/
      5. ↑ https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-befriend-a-shy-introvert/
      6. ↑ https://lonerwolf.com/how-to-befriend-a-shy-introvert/
      7. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-ways-to-build-strong-friendships/
      8. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-ways-to-build-strong-friendships/
      9. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-ways-to-build-strong-friendships/
      1. ↑ http://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2010/02/11/building-relationships/
      2. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-ways-to-build-strong-friendships/
      3. ↑ Eddy Baller. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 7 February 2020.

      About this article

      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 29,595 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Taygan

        Jul 8, 2020

        "My best friend is extreamely shy at first. I am 12 and he's 17. Once I read this and took the tips he opened ..." more

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement