How to Calm Your Sibling

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   Ask if they'd like to talk about it. Your sibling might benefit from the chance to talk and "cry it out." Sometimes, people just need someone to listen and stay with them while they cry or express their feelings. Ask if your sibling wants to talk.

   • If she says no, you could gently tell her that you're there in case she ever does want to talk. Then offer a distraction, or let her be.
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   Offer a distraction if your sibling is interested. Sometimes, people feel better if they have a chance to focus on something else. Try inviting them to play a game, take a walk, go outside, dance to music, or do something else with you that they enjoy. Having some fun may help your sibling feel a little better. They probably won't forget their problem, but they might feel a little more optimistic about it, because they may feel less alone.

   • Distractions don't always help, so don't push your sibling if they say no. You could ask if they want to talk about it, or you could let them be.
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   Be there for your sibling when you can. Maybe they'll want a shoulder to cry on, or maybe they just want someone to play video games with them and take their mind off of it. Set aside time to spend with them when you can, especially if they're going through a rough time lately. Your support can help them feel stronger, and better able to handle their problems.
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1. 1
   Help get your sibling away from whatever is scaring or overwhelming them. Sometimes, the problem is external (like bullies or a chaotic environment), and you can take them away from it. See if you can get them to leave the room or area. Here are some things you could say to encourage them to leave an upsetting situation:

   • "Come play outside with me."
   • "It's noisy in here. Why don't we hang out in my room?"
   • "Can you come help me in the kitchen?"
   • "Let's get some air."
   • "I'm too hot. Will you take me for a walk around the block?"
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   Talk to anyone who is upsetting your sibling. If someone else is doing something that is really bothering your sibling, take a deep breath and ask them to stop it. Do your best, even if assertiveness is hard for you. Your sibling might really appreciate you standing up for them.

   • "You need to stop name-calling."
   • "The loud noises are scaring him. Please keep it down."
   • "Knock it off! She said she doesn't like that!"
   • "She's pushing you away because she doesn't want a kiss. Sis, would you like a hug or a high-five instead from Auntie Jane?"
   • "Stop that. You're hurting him."

   Tip: Always keep it verbal—never physical. Physical violence will only make things worse.
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   Comfort your sibling if you can't protect them. Sometimes, your sibling has to do something scary, like getting a flu shot or taking a difficult exam. ^[5] In that case, you can't take them away from it (or you could, but it would cause even worse problems). But you can hold their hand, validate their feelings, tell them that they're brave and strong, and promise to be there for them.
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   Reassure them afterwards. Even after the upsetting part is over, your sibling still might feel rattled or scared. You can help by validating their feelings, praising them, and giving them physical contact (like a hug or a hand on their shoulder). This can help calm them down a little, and remind them that they're safe.

   • "I know that was scary. You did great."
   • "I'm glad you told me you were overwhelmed. That way, I was able to help you get out of there."
   • "You were really brave."
   • "I know that was hard. I'm so proud of you."
   • "It's all done now. You are safe. And I'm right here with you."
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1. 1
   Do your best to keep calm. If they're angry, and you get angry too, then the two of you might end up in a big fight. If you act calm, this may help them calm down a little too.
2. 2
   Defuse their anger. Sometimes, saying the right thing can help an angry person calm down. You may be able to show your sibling that you care about their feelings, and that you're on their side. ^[6] Here are some ways you might be able to make this clear to them:

   • Validate their feelings: "I know this is unfair. I don't like it either." "This is a tough situation. Of course you're upset about it."
   • Find something to agree on: "I agree that he wasn't very polite." "I definitely think it's wrong. I just feel like there's a better way to handle this."
   • Apologize if you did something wrong: "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." "I'm sorry I broke your box. I was doing my best to be careful, but my best wasn't good enough."
   • Show that you mean well: "I want to do my best to help." "I'm trying really hard. But this is difficult for me. Could you help me?"
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   Try clarifying what's going on. See if you can get the full story from your sibling. Many times, people who are angry feel misunderstood or unheard. So, you can help them feel less angry by showing that you care about their feelings, and you want to understand their situation. Once they feel that they're not alone with their problem, they may calm down a lot.

   • Ask questions: "Then what happened?" "So what part of that is bothering you? I'm not sure I understand yet."
   • Try summarizing the problem: "Let me see if I get this. Last month, you were disappointed that Mom planned a small birthday party for you, and now you feel left out because she's planning a bigger party for me. Is that right?"
   • Find out what they want: "So is there something I could do that would help with this?" "What is it that you need?"
4. 4
   Be willing to walk away. If they're really mad, or saying mean things, there may not be a way to have a constructive conversation right now. That's okay. You can say "I'm going to go" or "I want to be alone for a while" and leave the room. Their anger doesn't have to be your problem.

   • If they won't let you be alone, go to an adult and say "I really need some alone time, but my sibling isn't letting me be. Can you help me?"
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If your sibling has a mental illness or a disability that affects their emotions, they might deal with very strong emotions.

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   Remember that you can't fix your sibling's problems. Your sibling may be facing additional challenges that make their life harder, and that's stressful. They're going to be upset sometimes, and you're not always going to be able to fix it.
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   Keep in mind that caring for your sibling is a job for the adults in the family, not the kids. Your parent(s) or guardian(s) are the ones who are supposed to help your sibling deal with their condition. You can help if you want, but you aren't responsible for them, and you do not have to help.

   • If you don't want to help, or don't think you can, it's okay to just quietly go to your room and be by yourself for a while.
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   Avoid blaming your sibling for their condition. Your sibling can't control what they have or don't have, and they may not always have total control over their emotions or behavior. Just like you didn't ask for a sibling with emotional challenges, they didn't ask for those challenges.

   • Of course, that doesn't mean you should always forgive your sibling right away. You're allowed to be upset with them if they treat you badly. Try talking to your family about how to handle it. Sometimes, they may need to apologize to you.
   • Recognize the difference between your sibling's needs and your parents'/guardians' choices. If you are feeling ignored by your parent(s)/guardian(s), your problem is with them, not your sibling.
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   Try reading a bit about your sibling's emotional condition. Different calming techniques work for different conditions, and for different people. Knowing a bit more about what your sibling is facing may help you be better able to understand and handle her behavior.

   • WikiHow has articles for loved ones of people with different disabilities. You can read about everything from Borderline Personality Disorder to autism to anxiety disorders .
   • Sites like HelpGuide , NIMH , SAMHSA , MHA , and NAMI are great mental health resources to check out
   • Stay away from unreliable sources, like anti-science websites or negative websites (like Autism Speaks ). These might say mean or inaccurate things about people like your sibling.
   • Remember that everyone is different, even if they have the same condition. For example, one autistic girl might find tight hugs to be comforting, while another might find them scary because she feels trapped.
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   Figure out what helps your sibling. You aren't always going to know what to do when your sibling is having a hard time. You can learn from each time, and ask your sibling questions to help you understand better.

   • After one of their episodes, think about what you saw. What helped them calm down? What didn't help? Did anything seem to make it worse? Try remembering for next time.
   • During a calm time, ask them what they need when they get upset. For example, "How can I help you when you have a panic attack?" or "When you have a shutdown, do you want me to get Mom or stay with you?"
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