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Find out if guy-girl friendships are possible-- and how to decipher them
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It's an age-old debate: in a friendship between a guy and a girl, are there always romantic feelings hiding beneath the surface? It’s an important question, especially if you’re worried that your friend has feelings for you or that your partner is harboring a secret crush on their bestie. Don’t worry–we’ve got your back. We’ve gathered all the evidence about guy-girl friendships, as well as tips on how to keep a relationship platonic, so that you can appreciate male-female friendships instead of panicking about them.
Things You Should Know
- Guys and girls can be just friends—around three quarters of men have non-romantic friendships with women, and not all people are attracted to the opposite sex.
- Men and women can be true friends if they support the other person’s love life, don’t flirt with each other, and aren’t waiting around hoping for a romance.
- Having a friend of the opposite sex can help you learn about their perspectives and experience new styles of friendship.
Steps
Section 2 of 5:
Scientific Evidence
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Sociologists observe that male-female friendships are common. They record lots of successful and non-romantic friendships between straight men and straight women, even though same-sex friendships are more popular. [4] X Research source Psychologists also find that there are specific benefits to male-female friendships: cross-sex friendships help people meet social and emotional needs, learn how to interact with someone of a different gender , and encounter new perspectives [5] X Research source .
- One study found that 75% of men and 65% of women have a non-romantic friendship with someone of the opposite sex. It’s not so rare after all! [6] X Research source
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Men might be more likely to be attracted to their friends. One study found that in heterosexual male-female friendships, men are more likely to say they're attracted to their friend than women. That could show that there is some gender difference in how much people think about attractiveness in friendships. [7] X Research source
- Even then, thinking your friend is attractive is different from wanting to pursue a relationship with them. Responsible people are capable of being friends with an attractive person without wanting to pursue a relationship. Think about it-- you probably have lots of friends that you can tell are attractive, but that you'd never date.
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For a long time, people didn’t pursue many male-female friendships. That history made some people think they’re strange, but nowadays they're normal. For most of the past, men and women were part of different areas of life and didn’t interact as much beyond dating and marriage. Today, all genders participate in every area of life as coworkers, classmates, and friends, so those friendships are becoming more and more normal–and more and more separate from any romantic interest. [8] X Research source
- Many people incorrectly assume that all men are attracted to women and all women are attracted to men. In reality, in a male-female friendship, it’s very possible that one of them might not be attracted to the gender of the other. [9] X Research source For example, in a friendship between a gay man and an asexual woman, there’s no possibility of sexual attraction between the two of them. [10] X Research source
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Section 3 of 5:
Signs that a Guy-Girl Friendship is Just Platonic
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They support each other’s romantic relationships. When someone cheers on their friend when they date someone else, that’s a sign that their relationship is purely platonic. If one person gets awkward when their friend talks about a date or how much they love their boyfriend, there might be romantic feelings involved. [11] X Research source
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They’re not attracted to people of their friend’s gender. Whether someone is gay, lesbian, asexual, or fraysexual, there are lots of reasons why someone might not be attracted to their friend of a different gender. For example, there are no possibilities of dating between an asexual man and a lesbian, or between a fraysexual woman and a gay man. [12] X Research source
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They call each other “bro” or “friend.” Have you ever heard them say “Bro, you won’t believe what happened” or “Hey, you’re a great friend” to each other? Then chances are, they see each other as platonic. Some couples call each other “bro,” but emphasizing the friendship part of their relationship probably means they’re just friends. [13] X Research source
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They have a lot of fun hanging out together, but they don’t flirt . If a man and woman are making a lot of eye contact, touching the other’s arms, hands, and face, getting close to each other, and blushing, it’s possible that there is some romantic interest between the two friends. [14] X Research source
- Observe them when they’re apart to determine if their behavior around each other is abnormal. Some people are touchy and flirty with everyone, so don’t make any hasty judgments. If they act more flirty around each other than their other friends, that’s another piece of evidence that there might be some romantic interest.
- Ask yourself, ‘Are they acting more like siblings, or like boyfriend and girlfriend?’ Siblings and friends tease and laugh, but they don’t flirt like boyfriend and girlfriend. [15] X Research source
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They don’t text or call each other very much. If they’re only sending a couple of texts a week, chances are their friend isn’t on their mind that much. Normally, when two people are interested in each other, they text nonstop and can’t wait to send a fun picture or story to the other person. [16] X Research source
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Their friends don’t notice any signs of interest. If you can’t figure out if a friendship is platonic, their close friends might know more than you. Ask their friends if there’s ever been interest between them, if they’ve been acting weird around each other lately, or who they have a crush on. That might give you useful information to know what the dynamic between the two friends really is.
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You trust them. People might be suspicious of men and women who are friends with each other, especially their romantic partners, but suspicion isn’t based in trust. If you trust them, you should believe them when they say that someone is just a friend. [17] X Research source
- If you’re worried that your partner is cheating on you with someone they say is a friend, look for signs of cheating like them distancing themself from you, different grooming or scheduling habits, or spending a lot of time out of the house with a bad excuse.
- You can hurt your friends’ feelings if you always second-guess their male-female friendships. Don’t question their intentions too much: even just asking “Have you guys ever thought about dating each other?” can make someone feel uncomfortable.
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Section 4 of 5:
Benefits of Guy-Girl Friendships
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Experience a different kind of friendship. Friendship styles are different for men and women because of cultural norms. For example, male friendships are often more competitive and involve group activities, while female friendships value equality and group conversation. [18] X Research source By having friendships with people of a different gender , you can learn new friendship styles that might help you in different ways than your other friendships do. That'll help you be a better, more well-rounded person!
- For example, a guy’s friendship with a girl might help him talk more about his feelings than his male friendships do, or a girl being friends with a guy might let her relax and be more casual. These are generalizations, but they happen sometimes! [19] X Research source
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Learn new things about people of another gender. If you’ve always been curious about how the opposite gender does things, having a close friend can demystify all your questions! You can learn what they really think when you text them “hey,” or the common childhood experiences of that shape the way people of a certain gender see themselves. You can get out of your same-sex bubble and learn about what life is like for people different from you. [20] X Research source
- If you’re straight, you can get tips on dating by talking with a friend of the opposite sex. They can tell you exactly what will make someone’s heart melt on the first date, or what phrases to steer clear of when you’re making small talk.
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Stop being nervous to talk to the opposite sex. If you're straight, it can be scary to talk to people of the opposite sex. By having a friend who's a member of that sex, though, you’ll realize that it’s not so nerve-wracking to talk to them! Then, since you’re confident talking with your friend, you’ll find it easier to talk to potential romantic interests of their same gender.
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Expand your pool of potential friendships. By being open to friendships with people of any gender, you more than double your possibilities of friends! Why restrict yourself? There are so many cool people of the opposite sex that would be great friends. [21] X Research source
- Having more friends also means you’re happier and healthier. One study found that having friends increases your lifespan and makes you less likely to get sick. [22] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
Esther Perel, PsychotherapistFriends are one of life's great constants. "Friends provide community and continuity in an ever changing world. They’re often the witnesses of our lives that accompany us when lovers come and go, but the friends are there to stay."
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Section 5 of 5:
How to Keep Friendships Platonic
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Keep friendly boundaries. Know what kinds of settings and activities will lead to romantic feelings and set boundaries for yourself to avoid them. If you know that cuddling on the couch is going to make you feel some kind of way, stay out of that situation. If you always end up falling for your tennis doubles partner, keep platonic friendships out of that. [23] X Research source
- This doesn’t mean you can’t spend time one-on-one! Friends do fun things one-on-one all the time. The key is to avoid activities that will definitely lead to developing a crush.
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Treat them like you treat all your other friends. Ask them to grab a coffee with you and your friends, or to come to a game night at your place. Avoid dressing up nice for them, complimenting them in a romantic way, or planning elaborate romantic one-on-one time together. Treat them like one of the gang!
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Be clear about your intentions. If you're observed a friend developing a crush on you, tell them clearly that you really value them as a friend and that your relationship is only platonic. Most of the time, though, that won't be necessary: if you politely decline their advances, they'll get the message.
- If you're already in a relationship, you could say something like, "I just want to make it clear that we’re just friends, okay? I don’t want to make my partner uncomfortable, so I’d like this to be a completely platonic relationship."
- If you're not in a relationship and just don't feel that way about a friend, you could say "I really value our friendship so I just want to tell you that I see you just as a friend. Does that make sense?"
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Talk about your other crushes or successful relationships. Tell them about the sweet thing your boyfriend did for you last week, or the way you’re totally in love with your project partner in science. By talking about your great love life, you’ll affirm to both of you that you’re not interested in them. [24] X Research source
- By sharing that part of you, you might even get some help! They could introduce you to a friend you can date or give you tips on how to tell if someone’s interested in you.
- Don’t bring up your love life if you’re just going to talk about how lonely you are or about how unhappy you are in your relationship. This might make them feel like you’re asking them to show interest in you or give you romantic validation. That would change the dynamic of your friendship by laying the groundwork for romance.
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Abandon ulterior motives for friendship. Be friends because they’re cool and you like friendship with them! Don’t hang around them hoping that one day they’ll end their relationship so you can shoot your shot. That’s unfair to them and to the friendship–enjoy them for who they are and the friendship you have.
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Don’t flirt. Avoid touching them unnecessarily, like hugging them for too long or touching their arm while you talk. Keep your conversations friendly but not flirtatious–ease off the winking, teasing, complimenting, and eyelash-batting.
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Don’t act on temporary feelings of attraction. Some friends are attractive, but you can feel that someone is attractive without going full-on gaga for them. Avoid staring at them or fantasizing about being with them, and distract yourself with other fun things so you don’t think too much about their looks. [25] X Research source
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Don’t tell them about any possible romantic feelings. Once you tell a friend you like them, it’s an irreversible change in your dynamic. So if you want to keep the friendship platonic, keep your feelings to yourself. Even if you feel like it would be funny to tell them you had a crush on them last year, it’s best to keep that a secret so that you don’t change anything between the two of you.
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QuestionDo I have the right to be friends with a boy?CeciliaCommunity AnswerOf course! There is nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite gender.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about platonic relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Connell Barrett .
References
- ↑ https://moviebabble.com/2019/02/05/30-years-since-when-harry-met-sally-can-men-and-women-ever-be-friends/
- ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407500173002
- ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1990-14616-001
- ↑ https://www.jstor.org/stable/350992?seq=9
- ↑ https://saif-farooqi.medium.com/romantic-and-sexual-undertones-in-cross-sex-friendship-67b15bd6d61d#
- ↑ https://www.gq.com/story/men-with-mostly-female-friends
- ↑ https://www.bleske-rechek.com/April%20Website%20Files/Bleske-Rechek%20et%20al.%202012%20Benefit%20or%20Burden.pdf
- ↑ https://www.bleske-rechek.com/April%20Website%20Files/Bleske-Rechek%20et%20al.%202012%20Benefit%20or%20Burden.pdf
- ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0018726712442427
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/08/mistrust-opposite-sex-friendships/596437/
- ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/platonic-friendship/
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/10-signs-youre-just-friends
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/10-signs-youre-just-friends
- ↑ https://www.powerofpositivity.com/just-friends-signs-from-your-crush/
- ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/platonic-friendship/
- ↑ https://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/08/15-signs-youre-just-friends-even-though-you-dont-want-to-believe-it/
- ↑ https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-relationships-research/article/abs/crosssex-best-friendships-and-the-experience-and-expression-of-jealousy-within-romantic-relationships/33F7FE9B879F38A10E8A5626C357E48B
- ↑ https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12110-007-9003-3
- ↑ https://www.gq.com/story/men-with-mostly-female-friends
- ↑ https://socialsci.libretexts.org/Bookshelves/Gender_Studies/Introduction_to_Gender_Studies_(Coleman)/06%3A_Gender_Emotions_and_Relationships/6.02%3A_Sex_Gender_and_Friendship
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/05/the-benefits-of-men-and-women-being-friends-even-if-one-is-married/275467/
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/the-health-benefits-of-strong-relationships
- ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/platonic-friendship/
- ↑ https://socialself.com/blog/platonic-friendship/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201912/when-are-opposite-sex-friends-threat-your-relationship
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