How Do You Comfort Someone & Make Them Feel Better? Experts Weigh In

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Plus comforting things to say in person, on the phone, and via text
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When someone you care for is down in the dumps, it might leave you feeling a little helpless or frustrated. There must be something you can say to help dust them off and get them back on their feet, but what is it? With a little help, learning to comfort others can be super easy. That's why we created a foolproof guide for comforting someone who’s sad. Plus, we spoke with psychologists Tracy Carver and Leslie Bosch to get their top tips for how to care for your circle in good times and in bad. Let's get started.

How do you comfort someone?

  1. Offer to listen or be there even if they don’t say anything.
  2. Validate their feelings so they feel understood.
  3. Express your love, empathy, and concern.
  4. Ask them if they need a hug.
  5. Ask what you can do for them.
  6. Check in with them by text to offer more support.
Section 1 of 3:

Comforting a Sad Person

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  1. If you already know what’s wrong, you may be tempted to dance around the issue to avoid causing them more pain. However, they know what’s wrong and are probably already thinking about it. Asking about it in clear terms shows you care and are willing to deal with the issue as it is without sugarcoating it, which will likely come as a relief. [1]
    • Tell them you’re sorry about what they’re going through, and ask if they’re okay . Just telling them you know and care that they’re feeling bad shows you want to help and support them.
    • Say something like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. How are you doing?”
    • Or be more specific by saying something like, “I heard your father died. That must be really tough. Do you want to talk about it?”
  2. It’s normal to be confused and feel more than one emotion, so letting them open up about what they’re feeling can be helpful and supportive. [2] It’s also possible their feelings might be too complicated and overwhelming for them to talk about right away. Just sitting quietly with them can help them feel supported even when they aren’t ready to talk.
    • For instance, if they had a parent die after a long and complicated illness, they would naturally feel sad. But they may also feel relief that the illness is over and guilt for the relief they’re feeling.
    • When they’re ready to talk, be a good listener by staying focused on them and what they’re saying. Resist the temptation to compare what they're going through with a similar experience you’ve had.
    • Show you understand by repeating what the person says back to them. For example, “What I hear you saying is that you are upset because your friend wasn't paying attention to you.”
    • Keep your focus on them, and don’t get distracted. Take in what they’re saying, and don’t focus on thinking about what you want to say next.
    • Make eye contact , nod, or show concern with a frown. Avoid crossing your arms and legs to keep your body language open. [3]
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  3. Demonstrate that you understand where they’re coming from, what they’re feeling, and why they feel that way, says Bosch. [4] Let them know that however they’re feeling is okay. Going through a tough time, grieving, or dealing with depression is incredibly personal. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to process it. Show them they can talk to you without fear of judgment or criticism of what they’re feeling. [5] Just listen and help them process their sadness.
    • Don’t try to turn the conversation instantly positive. It may be tempting to try to help them feel better by encouraging them to look one side.
    • However, they may feel you’re glossing over what's wrong and that their feelings aren't important.
    • Try to avoid saying things like, “Everything happens for a reason,” “It isn't all bad,” or “Time heals all wounds.”
    • Instead, try saying phrases such as, “It's okay to feel bad. You're going through a tough time,” or “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. But I’m here for you.”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1830 wikiHow readers, and 61% of them agreed that the best way to respond when someone confides in you is by showing empathy and offering support . [Take Poll]
  4. Sometimes, just taking someone’s hand or giving them a hug can help them feel better. If you feel comfortable doing so, offer the person a hug. Physical touch helps promote physical and emotional well-being. Studies have shown it can help reduce pain, anxiety, depression, and stress. [6]
    • It's always better to ask first so you know it’s okay to hug them .
    • Some people may not be comfortable with physical contact, especially if they have been through some kind of trauma.
    • For example, you could say, "I'd like to give you a hug. Would you like that?" or “Would you like me to hold your hand?”
  5. Expressing your love and concern for someone who’s sad can help them feel better, especially if they’re feeling depressed. People who are feeling depressed may feel a sense of overwhelming loneliness. Telling them you care about them and how they’re feeling helps remind them there’s someone in their life who loves them. [7]
    • Be honest if you don’t know what to say or do to make them feel better. It’s often enough to acknowledge you don’t know how to help, but you’re there for them.
    • Say something like, “I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't really know what to say to make it better, and I know no words really could. But I want you to know I'm here for you when you need me.”
  6. Bosch recommends offering acts of kindness. [8] Try to be specific when you ask what you can do. Instead of saying “How can I help?” say something like, “Do you need someone to come over and keep you company?” or “Would you like to go for a walk with me tomorrow afternoon?” [9] If the person seems uncertain about asking you for help, offering a couple of concrete suggestions gives them to opportunity to say “yes” to your help without trying to come up with something on the spot.
    • For instance, you could say, "I'd love to be able to help. I can drive you somewhere if you need me, or I can help by bringing food over? Just let me know what would be more helpful."
    • You may also be able to help by offering support with difficult tasks, such as supporting the person if they're obtaining a death certificate for a loved one.
    • Sometimes making a plan can help them feel better . If they’re ready, encourage them to talk about and plan out what they want to do next.
    • Be sincere when you offer support or help of any kind, and make sure you’re willing to follow through. For instance, if you say, "Feel free to call me and talk anytime," actually be willing to drop what you're doing to talk.
    EXPERT TIP

    Leslie Bosch, PhD

    Developmental Psychologist
    Dr. Leslie Bosch is a Developmental Psychologist, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and Owner of Bosch Integrative Wellness. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in providing stress relief coaching services to individuals and groups using a variety of scientifically proven methods for change including motivational interviewing, positive psychology, self-compassion, non-violent communication, social learning theory, and self-determination theory. Dr. Bosch received training from the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona and earned a PhD in Human Development and Family Studies from The University of Arizona. She is also a member of the National Board of Health and Wellness Coaching Association. Dr. Bosch has published many papers and been featured in the media numerous times.
    Leslie Bosch, PhD
    Developmental Psychologist

    Being there is a powerful way to support someone. In our culture, there's not a lot of support for people who are grieving. People just expect you to buck up, move on, suck it up, and be strong. It sometimes helps to show you're sad, angry, confused, guilty, or regretful.

  7. When a person experiences the loss of someone they care about, people may start to avoid talking about the deceased. However, it often helps a grieving person to talk about their loved one. Sharing a memory of the deceased shows your friend that their loved one hasn’t been forgotten, which can be very comforting. [10]
    • If you didn’t know the deceased person, encourage your friend to share memories with you. #*Say something like, “I’m sorry I never got to meet your grandmother. What was she like?” or “You’ve told me so many stories about growing up with your cousin. What was that one about the pie stealing?”
    • Try to bring up lighthearted and positive memories to help them reflect on the good times and maybe feel a little better.
  8. Working through sadness is a personal process. Even well-meaning unsolicited advice might not be helpful or appreciated. Try to avoid offering simple solutions that may minimize what they’re feeling. The best thing you can do is just be there for them and listen when they want to talk. [11]
    • It’s okay to offer advice if they ask you for it. Just be as honest and sensitive as you can.
    • If a sad person asks you for your opinion or help, carefully consider any advice you offer. Take the request seriously, and don’t just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
  9. Most people have trouble reaching out to someone when they need help, especially when they’re having a tough time emotionally. Remember to check in with them from time to time to give them your love and support. Drop by, send them a text, or get them a card. It's important to be available if they need it. [12]
    • If someone is sad because they’ve lost a loved one, they may need support several months down the road when the initial shock has worn off.
    • Try to reach out on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries, which might be particularly difficult because they remind the person of their grief.
  10. If your friend is going through a lot, it's fine to ask if they've thought about seeing a counselor. However, if they’re resistant to the idea, don’t force the issue. Carver says, “If they're really resistant, then they're just not ready for therapy. And the therapy will likely be unsuccessful.” [13]
    • Some people may see going to a counselor as a sign that they’re weak or unable to manage their life, but therapy can help them manage and understand their emotions in a way that talking to a friend can’t, adds Carver. [14]
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Section 2 of 3:

What to Say to Comfort a Sad Person

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  1. It’s hard to know what to say when someone you care about is upset. Use words and phrases that communicate that you’re there for them and won’t judge them no matter what they say or do. Try asking them open-ended questions , or questions that can’t be answered in 1 or 2 words, that encourage them to share what they’re thinking and feeling. [15]
    • Supportive phrases:
      • “That makes sense.”
      • “I’m here to listen.”
      • “It’s okay to be sad.”
      • “I’ll be by your side the whole way.”
      • “I’m sorry you’re hurting so much.”
    • Open-ended questions:
      • “How are you feeling today?”
      • “What would you like to talk about the most?”
      • “What would be most helpful to you right now?”
      • “How would you like things to be different?”
      • “How are you sleeping?”
  2. When you’re comforting an upset or sad loved one on the phone, it can be hard to feel like you’re making a difference because you can hug them or be there with them in person. But just letting them know you care can help. [16] If you’re far apart, a phone call may be the best way for you to offer support. Here are a few examples of things you can say to comfort someone over the phone:
    • “I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting right now, but I’m here for you, even if that means staying on the phone all night long, not saying anything.”
    • “I don’t know what to say, but I’m always willing to listen to you whenever you need it.”
    • “I wish I could be there with you. I love you, and I’m always willing to help.”
    • “We don’t have to talk about what’s making you sad, but I'll be here if you change your mind.”
  3. It can be hard for someone to reach out when they’re feeling sad or depressed. [17] Texts are a great way to check in with someone to give them your support. They let the other person know you’re there for them while giving them the opportunity to respond when they’re ready. Here are a few supportive texts you can send:
    • “I’m always here for you…day or night.”
    • “I’m lucky to have a person like you in my life.”
    • “I just want you to know that I love and appreciate you.”
    • “Can I call you or come over?”
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Section 3 of 3:

What to Avoid Saying to a Sad Person

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  1. If you’re trying to comfort a person who’s sad, it’s tempting to say something like “You’ll feel better soon” or “Time heals all wounds” when you don’t know what to say. These types of phrases can be well-meaning, but they don’t actually offer any real comfort because they gloss over the real pain the person is feeling. And in some cases, they might upset a grieving person even more. [18] Here are a few phrases to avoid and what to say instead:
    • Instead of “Everything happens for a reason,” say something like, “I don’t know why things happen the way they do, but I’m so sorry for your loss.”
    • Instead of “Your loved one is in a better place now,” say, “I hope you can take some comfort from knowing how loved they were.”
    • Instead of “You have so much to be grateful for,” try, “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. Would you like to take a walk, or do you need someone to just sit with you?”
    • Instead of “They wouldn’t want you to feel sad,” say, “There’s no right or wrong way to deal with this. Take whatever time you need to feel your feelings.”
    • Instead of “You’re so brave,” say something like, “However you’re feeling is normal, and I’m here for you if you need to cry, laugh, rage, or anything else.”

Cheat Sheet for Tough Conversations

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Should I talk to my friend about always calling me when they're in a bad mood?
    Tracy Carver, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Dr. Tracy Carver is an award-winning Licensed Psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Carver specializes in counseling for issues related to self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and psychedelic integration. She holds a BS in Psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, an MA in Educational Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Carver also completed an internship in Clinical Psychology through Harvard University Medical School. She was voted one of the Best Mental Health Professionals in Austin for four years in a row by Austin Fit Magazine. Dr. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights, and KVUE (the Austin affiliate for ABC News).
    Tracy Carver, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    If you always feel like you're just being used as a stuffed animal for your friend to feel better, it may be worth bringing up. There should always be some reciprocity in a friendship. If you don't feel that way, it's a sign that something is wrong.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving
      2. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving
      3. ↑ https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm
      4. ↑ Leslie Bosch, PhD. Developmental Psychologist. Expert Interview. 22 June 2022.
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving
      6. ↑ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2024/04/240408130610.htm
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-things-to-say-to-someone-with-depression-or-whos-depressed
      8. ↑ Leslie Bosch, PhD. Developmental Psychologist. Expert Interview. 22 June 2022.
      9. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving
      1. ↑ https://hospiceofcincinnati.org/5-ways-to-support-grieving-friends-family-when-youre-not-sure-how/
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving
      4. ↑ Tracy Carver, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 7 January 2021.
      5. ↑ Tracy Carver, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 7 January 2021.
      6. ↑ https://odphp.health.gov/myhealthfinder/healthy-living/mental-health-and-relationships/depression-conversation-starters
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culture-shrink/201507/6-things-you-can-say-support-someone-whos-depressed
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culture-shrink/201507/6-things-you-can-say-support-someone-whos-depressed
      9. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To comfort someone who’s feeling sad, talk to them and let them know you’re there for them so they don’t feel alone. Don’t worry about saying the perfect thing or offering them advice. Instead, just listen to what they have to say and let them know you care, which will help them feel better. Try doing something nice for them to take their mind off things, like cooking them a nice meal or giving them a thoughtful gift. You can also distract them with a fun activity, like going for a walk in nature, seeing a funny movie, or grabbing a bite to eat. Don’t feel discouraged if they aren’t in the mood for fun activities. Let them feel sad if they need to, and ask if there’s anything you can do to help. For tips from our Mental Health reviewer, including how to talk about long-term solutions, read on!

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