How to Help Your Daughter Cope with a Breakup

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Practical advice to comfort her when she's heartbroken
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No parent wants to see their child heartbroken and suffering after a breakup. How can you help your daughter when she’s going through that? While you can’t take her pain away and make everything better—even though you wish you could—you can be there to comfort and support her. Keep reading for some tips to help you navigate this emotional time for your daughter and find the best ways to be there for her, including advice from relationship coach, Amy Chan.

How to Be Supportive After Your Daughter’s Breakup

Offer your daughter a listening ear and allow her to vent about the breakup. Empathize with her and remind her that the grieving process may take time. Take her to do something fun or enjoy a self-care day. Encourage her to heal, prioritize herself, and ease her doubt by reassuring her that she'll fall in love again.

Section 1 of 4:

How to Offer Her Emotional Support

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  1. In order for her to effectively process her feelings and move on from her loss, she needs to be talking to someone about it. As her parent, you might hope it will be you, but understand that as long as you know she is talking to friends or someone else she trusts, do not force her to talk to you about it. Still, you can do your best to encourage her to talk to you with these strategies: [1]
    • Be ready to listen to her even when it's inconvenient for you. She is in a crisis mode right now, drop what you're doing and be ready to listen.
    • Listen without judgment. Avoid mentioning your opinions about the situation or offering a “silver lining” response. For example, it may be obvious to you that this breakup is for the best, but now is not the time to say that.
    • Reinforce that talking about it is healthy and will help her feel better. Even if she doesn’t want to talk to you about the breakup, encourage her to talk to others about it. [2]
    • Avoid being pushy about making her talk to you. You might say, “I know how upset you are. When you’re upset, it’s really important to let those sad feelings out by talking to someone. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me about it. I hope you do, but it’s okay if you don’t. I just want to know that you are talking to somebody who is a good listener.”
  2. Try to remember how you felt after your first breakup. Although your daughter might not feel exactly the same way as you felt, reflecting on how you felt after your first breakup may make it easier for you to show empathy for what your daughter is going through right now. Focus on your feelings for your daughter, instead of your feelings about the relationship or her ex. Remember that even if you are happy to see the relationship end, it is still a loss for your daughter.
    • Let her cry. Don’t tell her to stop or tell her, “it will all get better” or “this was for the best.” Just be with her while she deals with her sadness. Hold her or put your arm on her shoulder if she will let you.
    • Say things like, “I know this must be very hard for you,” or “I’m sure this seems like the worst thing in the world right now.”
    • Chan encourages talking about the relationship to help your daughter heal while respecting her boundaries. She begins, “Talking can be helpful to process a breakup.” However, your daughter may not want advice as much as she is looking for someone who “can hold space for [her] to share your feelings without judgement.” That’s where mom can come in! [3]
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  3. Let her express her anger over the breakup. You can provide her a healthy outlet for this by listening to her with empathy. She is allowed to say whatever she wants about her ex, and you can nod and encourage her to tell you more. [4]
    • Tread lightly about what you say about her ex. Do not go on a tirade about all the things you didn’t like about her ex; it may make her feel worse that she was “blind” to all of these terrible things.
    • Make sure she is keeping her tirades off social media or isn’t badmouthing them in a way that will come back to haunt her.
    • Chain suggests encouraging her to feel her emotions: “Studies show that bereaved people who avoid grief and make an effort to suppress emotion take the longest to recover from loss. When you try to repress your anger and emotions, stress skyrockets. The opposite of suppression is expression.” [5]
  4. She might want some space from you, or she might want to spend lots of time with you. Go with the flow and understand that her feelings may change from day to day.
    • For example, you could say, “I know it’s not always the coolest to hang out your dad, so don’t worry if you want to do something else. You’re going through a hard time right now, and I want to be able to support you however you prefer, whether it’s by spending time together or letting you do your own thing.”
    • Encourage her to spend time with her friends and plan some fun activities with them. Offer to help in any way you can to foster those connections for your daughter. For example, you could give her a ride to an activity or host a fun evening for her and her friends at your house.
  5. This is a loss and she will not bounce back from it overnight. It takes time to heal. Helping her understand the grieving process will give her perspective on her emotions. Encourage her to learn about grief and look at her feelings as a process she needs to go through, not feelings that will be around forever. [6]
    • For example, you could say, “You have been through a big loss, and your heart and mind are processing this loss. It takes a lot of energy to grieve a loss, but you have to work your way through it. That might mean crying a lot or being really tired. But it’s important to let the grief out, because it will be harder for you if you try to hold it back.”
    • Chan recommends that you remind your daughter to take plenty of time to heal, explaining that mourning a breakup is very similar to mourning a death. [7]
      • She says, “Mourning the loss of a relationship can feel much like grieving someone who has passed away. There are various stages of separation, including shock, denial, depression, anger, bargaining, relapse, and acceptance.” [8]
      • She adds that healing is “not linear” and can chemically alter your brain, since you’re “no longer getting your doses of dopamine and oxytocin” from your ex. [9]
  6. Remember that we are not ourselves when we are grieving. Your daughter may be more disrespectful or distracted than usual.
    • Help her with details and staying organized. When people are grieving, it is often hard for them to find the energy to stay on top of bills, appointments, and other minutiae of daily life. They are focusing all their energy on the loss. [10] Remind your daughter about homework assignments, family parties, or other details if you see she is struggling.
    • If her behavior seems beyond the normal range of grief -- for example, if she tells you she is drinking a lot, or if she gets suspended from school -- confront her on her behavior. Get or encourage her to seek professional help.
    • When it comes to a healing timeline, Chan says, “Research shows that the feelings of pain of a romantic rejection usually fade away over the course of about six months to two years.” [11]
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Section 2 of 4:

How to Provide Her with Distractions

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  1. Help her take her mind off her sorrows and plan some fun activities with her. This also is helpful to her grieving: she is able to see that she can enjoy herself again. This can also be good bonding time for the two of you. Some activities you might consider:
    • Try a new restaurant she’s been wanting to check out.
    • Take a day trip to a nearby town, or get away for the weekend.
    • Visit a museum you are both interested in.
    • Go walking, hiking, or biking together.
    • See a movie. (Let her pick -- she might want a good cry, or she might want to laugh.)
    • Go shopping.
  2. Be indulgent, particularly in the first few days after the breakup. It is a nice way to remind her that there are still people who think she is special and love her. For example, you may want to:
    • Indulge her cravings for her favorite foods. Stock her freezer with ice cream if it’s her favorite comfort food, for example.
    • Watch her favorite movies or TV shows with her.
    • Treat her to a pedicure.
  3. Self-care means taking deliberate steps to take care of your mental, physical or emotional health. While indulging cravings or binge-watching TV have a place, these actions are more numbing behaviors than self-care (“numbing” meaning to avoid feeling one’s unpleasant emotions). Encourage your daughter to take care of herself in healthy ways, like:
    • Keeping a journal.
    • Exercising.
    • Taking a social media break.
    • Going out in nature.
    • Getting enough sleep.
  4. A romantic relationship is just one aspect of a person’s life, and isn’t the only important part of life. Encourage your daughter to explore other pursuits.
    • Encourage her to focus on her schoolwork.
    • Ask her about her job and encourage her career growth.
    • Tell her to take this time to focus on a sport or hobby. For example, if she is a runner, encourage her to train for a big race to take her mind off the breakup.
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Section 3 of 4:

How to Give Her Some Perspective

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  1. Breakups are difficult and painful. Let your daughter know how impressed you are with her ability to deal with a hard situation. This can help her feel strong and resilient. For example, you could say, “You have really been through a lot lately with this breakup. I am so impressed with how you are managing it. I know that it has been really hard for you, but I am so proud to see how you are working through it. I know you are going to get past this and be even stronger than before.” [13]
    • Chan suggests reminding your daughter to focus on herself, too: “You have every right to feel hurt, sad, angry and even resentful. But if you want to move forward, then the goal is to focus your energy on yourself—not the person who hurt you.” [14]
    • If your daughter finds herself thinking about her ex and how poorly he may have treated her, Chan suggests you say something like, “Every minute you spend diverting your focus in vilifying him, you are taking a precious minute away from creating a better future.” [15]
    • Additionally, you can remind her that she will likely look back on this experience as a time of great learning and change, and not necessarily sadness.
  2. After the initial shock and grieving period wears off, you will probably hear your daughter start to rationalize the breakup. You might hear things like, “He was such a picky eater! We could never go to any interesting restaurants. I’d be stuck eating meat and potatoes for the rest of my life!” This is a good sign that she might be ready to think of the positives of the breakup. [16]
    • Suggest that she make a list of all the good that has come out of the breakup, no matter how small and insignificant the items seem. Maybe she doesn’t have to deal with her ex’s stinginess anymore, or maybe she has learned to better stand up for herself.
    • She could also write a letter to herself to be opened a year from now, expressing all that she is feeling and going through. When she opens it a year later, she will most likely be amazed at how her life has changed and how much she has grown.
    • Ask questions to help her get some perspective on the situation and to help her figure out what she has learned about herself through the experience.
      • For example, you might ask, “I wonder what you find most important about relationships now that you've been through this?” Or, “What are some characteristics that you would look for in someone new now that you know [x] about yourself in this relationship?”
  3. Her self-esteem has probably taken a hit after the breakup. Let her know how much she means to you, her family, and friends.
    • Remind her of all the good things she brings to the world: her sense of humor, her kind heart, or her strong work ethic, for example.
    • Remind her that she is far more than one person’s opinion of her.
    • Remind her of times when you know her presence made a difference. For example, “Do you remember how much all those little girls in your dance class looked up to you?” or “Your grandma always loved how you would visit her in the nursing home and do puzzles with her.”
  4. 4
    Reassure her that she’s still young and has lots of life left to live. A break-up can genuinely feel like the end of the world and your daughter might feel like this was her one and only shot at love. However, as a mother with significantly more life experience, you know that’s certainly not true, so try reminding your daughter of how young she is and how many other opportunities she’ll have. [17]
    • Try saying something like, “I know it feels like you’ll never find someone like him again, and you might not— but you’ll find someone better, who will know how to treat your heart with the care and tenderness you deserve.”
    • You could also say, “You’re only [age]— you have at least 10 more years of dating to go! The right person will definitely come along, but in the meantime, try to enjoy the ride.”
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Section 4 of 4:

Final Thoughts

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  1. It’s not up to you to heal your daughter’s broken heart, but you can help. As she’s coping with the emotional fallout of her breakup, your daughter will experience a range of emotions, from sadness to self-doubt to anger. Let her vent, empathize, and reassure her that this past relationship won’t be the last one she’ll ever be in— far from it! Offering to do some chores for her, treating her to a self-care day, and encouraging to heal are some of the best ways to help her grieve during this trying time.
    • Remind her that the relationship and breakup taught her a lot about what she wanted and didn’t want from another person, which can help her grow.
    • Going to the hair salon, buying new clothes, and booking a girls’ trip are all great, fun ways to help distract your daughter and keep her on the path to moving on.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How long does the hurt last after a breakup?
    Cherlyn Chong
    Relationship Coach
    Cherlyn Chong is a breakup recovery and dating coach. With 6 years of experience, she specializes in working with high-achieving professional women who want to get over their exes and find love again. She has experience as an official coach for The League dating app, and has been featured on AskMen, Business Insider, Reuters and HuffPost.
    Cherlyn Chong
    Relationship Coach
    Expert Answer
    It can be a really long process, especially if the relationship was really long. The best thing you can do is push yourself a little further every day. So instead of laying in bed crying for the second day in a row, make the conscious decision to get out of bed. The next day, instead of ordering another pizza, make yourself a healthy dinner. Over time, these small changes will really make you feel better and help you get over the pain.
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      References

      1. ↑ http://ie.reachout.com/getting-help/face-to-face-help/things-you-need-to-know/benefits-of-talking-to-someone/
      2. ↑ http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/01/13/376804930/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-but-science-can-help
      3. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      4. ↑ http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/emotional-health/healthiest-ways-express-anger
      5. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      6. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/grief
      7. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      8. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      9. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/me-before-we/201402/4-ways-to-be-a-good-friend-during-a-friends-breakup
      2. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      3. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      4. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/6-things-that-might-actually-h
      5. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      6. ↑ Amy Chan. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 1 May 2019.
      7. ↑ http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/01/13/376804930/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-but-science-can-help
      8. ↑ https://www.self.com/story/women-share-best-worst-responses-to-breakup

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Seeing your daughter upset after a breakup can be tough, but there are many ways you can comfort and support her. You can be there for her by listening to her, encouraging her to share her feelings, and reminding her that she’s beautiful and that she means a lot to you, her family, and friends. Let her know that what she’s feeling is part of a natural healing process, and although it can be hard, she won’t feel this way forever. You can also help make each day a little easier for her. Try to be patient with her if she’s a little distracted and misses some of her chores, and offer to take her out somewhere like a movie, dinner, or shopping. Encourage her to distract herself with studying, hobbies, and seeing her friends. For more advice from our co-author, including how to help your daughter build her self-esteem, read on.

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