How to Cope When You Both Like the Same Guy and He Might Like You

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When you’re friends with someone, chances are you like a lot of the same things, from clothes to movies to pastimes. But what if you both like the same guy? While it can be upsetting and discouraging if your crush likes your friend, it can be extremely awkward and uncomfortable if your crush likes you. There are a few things you can do to navigate this tricky situation.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Speaking To Your Friend

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    It might be scary or intimidating, but put all of your thoughts and feelings on the table. If you really like this boy, tell the other person. If he’s hinted or flat out told you that he returns those feelings, tell them. [1] While it may hurt your friend at first, it will feel worse if they feel like you’ve lied or left them in the dark. [2]
    • This is especially important if this is a very close friend that you share everything with. If you start a relationship with this guy secretly, they will automatically be distrustful or resentful of it, and you could really hurt their feelings.
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    When you have a crush on someone and the feeling is returned, it feels pretty awesome; however, try to imagine or remember what it’s like when those feelings aren’t returned. Recognize that your friend may feel really down in the dumps, and take care not to gloat or shove your happiness in their face. [3]
    • When you are with them, remember that it's okay to talk about your crush, but don't let him be the only thing you talk about. If they are hurt the crush might be a sore topic.
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    You need to decide this before going into the conversation. It’s entirely up to you to decide how to proceed in this situation. You can tell them that you really like this guy, you want to date him, but you won’t go forward with it unless you have their blessing. Alternatively, you can tell them that you plan on pursuing a relationship with him, and you’d like their support.
    • Evaluate the consequences (both good and bad) of dating your crush before you decide what to do. Think about how this might impact your relationship with your friend, and if you like this guy enough to risk straining, harming, or even ending your friendship. Is this just a casual crush or someone you can see getting serious with? Think about your friend's personality — do they have a hard time moving on from things? Are they the type who would see this as a betrayal, or be sad for a little while and then bounce back? [4] Weigh the pros and cons of pursuing this relationship so you can go into the conversation with your friend with eyes wide open.
    • If you tell your friend that you will not date him unless they're comfortable with it, you need to stick to that. Keep in mind that if your friend disapproves of your relationship, it can cause a major strain on it. [5]
    • At the end of the day, it is your life. If you want to date your crush with or without your friend’s approval, you can; however, you should be prepared for the consequences to your friendship.
    • You can still be caring toward your friend even if you decide to date your crush without their approval. You could say, “I really care about you and our friendship, and I’m excited about possibly dating John. I hope that you can eventually be happy for me. I will not let my dating life get in the way of our friendship.”
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    Whether they are angry, upset, or jealous, they are still your friend. You do not have to change your plans based on their emotions, and you do not have to agree with everything they say, but you should be a kind person. [6] Remember, they are probably hurt that their crush has chosen you. Be gentle, honest, and loving while they heal from rejection.
    • This is particularly important if they've been a long-term, loyal friend. Your crush may be really great, but your friend is too. It’s OK (and human!) to want relationships with both, but take care not to neglect your friend for this guy.
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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Does He Like Me?

Some guys can feel like a total mystery. How can you figure out if he likes you as just a friend—or if he wants something more? Take this quiz to find out!
1 of 15

When you two are in a room filled with other people, how often do you catch him staring at you?

Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Communicating With Your Crush

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    If you’ve told your friend how you feel, you might as well clue him in too. While sometimes a crush consists of flirting and subtle hints, it will make the situation easier on everyone if you know where your crush stands. [7] For example, there’s no need to do damage control on your friendship if you discover he likes someone else! [8]
    • Once both of your feelings are out in the open, you are able to decide how to proceed.
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    In other words, don’t betray your friend by blabbing to your crush about them. They may like him and they may be hurt — but that doesn’t mean he needs to know that. Talk to your crush about your own feelings, and let your friend keep theirs private if they wish. [9] Your friend will be hurt and embarrassed if they discover you’ve been airing their dirty laundry to a boy they have feelings for.
    • A good rule of thumb is to simply speak for yourself. Talk only about your own feelings and desires, not anyone else’s.
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    If the feelings are mutual and you want to proceed with a relationship, take your time. Let your friend adjust to the idea of you two being together before you change your Facebook status and start bringing him as a date to everything. A slow and steady start can make for a healthy, solid relationship, too.
    • That doesn’t mean you need to lie to your friend and pretend that things aren’t happening with your crush. It just means letting them cope with the situation at a slower pace.
    • If your crush doesn’t respect or understand your need to take things slowly, he may not be the right guy for you after all.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Going Forward

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    Just because your friend has given their approval, that probably doesn’t mean they want to see you holding hands or kissing all the time. Respect them enough to keep your PDA and pet names to a minimum in their presence. If you want to call your boyfriend Hot Lips and sit on his lap in private, that’s your prerogative. Your friend doesn’t need to see that though. On that note, your friends who never had a crush on him probably don’t want to see that either, so keep the PDA to a minimum. [10]
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    Don’t neglect your friend in order to spend all your time with this boy. A new relationship can be exciting, and it’s easy to want to spend all your time with your crush; however, you need to show your friend that you value your friendship and aren’t going anywhere. [11]
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    If your new boyfriend sends you a dozen roses and writes you a sonnet, it’s only natural to want to spill all the details to your friend; however, you should just wait. Until they've solidly moved on, just bite your tongue when it comes to that kind of conversation. It will only seem like you’re rubbing their face in your good fortune, and it could make them resentful. Enjoy your relationship privately, and separate it from your friendship — at least for a while.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Is it wrong to date someone your friend likes?
    LeTisha Underwood
    Certified Professional Matchmaker
    LeTisha Underwood is a Certified Professional Matchmaker and the CEO of Two Hearts Exclusive Matchmaking Services. With more than five years of experience, she specializes in helping marriage-minded people find their life partners. LeTisha holds a Matchmaker Certification from The Global Love Institute.
    LeTisha Underwood
    Certified Professional Matchmaker
    Expert Answer
    Not necessarily—it really depends on how close you and your friend are. You can always decide to talk it out first.
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      Tips

      • If pursuing your crush means hurting your friend very deeply, think long and hard about it. Throughout your life, you will most likely have many significant others. Good friends are very valuable, and typically more long-term.
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      • If you want to tell your crush your feelings, make sure your friend who likes him knows as well.
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      References

      1. ↑ LeTisha Underwood. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 14 December 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/ugh-you-and-your-friend-like-t
      3. ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/commitment/when-friends-get-jealous/#.V3wwI1c4mT8
      4. ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/ugh-you-and-your-friend-like-t
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-you-us/201503/why-your-friends-approval-is-so-crucial-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/commitment/when-friends-get-jealous/#.V3wwI1c4mT8
      7. ↑ http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15237/how-to-let-your-crush-know-you-have-feelings.html
      8. ↑ LeTisha Underwood. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 14 December 2021.
      9. ↑ http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a7093/dating-friends-ex/
      1. ↑ http://www.newtimes.co.rw/section/article/2015-10-16/193525/
      2. ↑ http://www.hercampus.com/life/family-friends/how-deal-jealous-friend
      3. ↑ LeTisha Underwood. Certified Professional Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 14 December 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/commitment/when-friends-get-jealous/#.V3wwI1c4mT8

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you and your friend both like the same guy but he likes you, tell your friend about it so they don't feel betrayed. Be honest and tell them how much you like this guy and how you plan to move forward. Remember that the decision is totally up to you. You can promise not to date the guy without your friend's approval, or you can tell them that you plan on seeing him either way. Whatever you end up doing, be kind to your friend by being discreet about your crush and not bringing him up around them. To learn how to talk to your crush about all of this, scroll down!

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      • Victoria

        Nov 15, 2017

        "I liked the steps with the friend addressing part and the crush addressing part! Thanks!"
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