What is the Best Way to Distance Yourself From Your In-Laws?

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A complete guide to severing ties with difficult relatives
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Sometimes, no amount of compromise and understanding will help you get along with your in-laws. If your spouse’s parents or other family members are abusive, manipulative, or chronically disrespectful to you or your spouse, severing ties may be for the best. Though, we understand that that's a big decision to make—which is why we're going to be here to help you every step of the way. Keep reading for ways to distance yourself from toxic in laws, including expert tips from life coaches & therapists on how to set boundaries for your family and knowing when it's time to cut ties.

Distancing Yourself From In-Laws

If you are trying to limit any contact with toxic relatives, you will have to do a clean sweep. Unfriend or block your in-laws on platforms like Facebook. If necessary, block their email addresses, too. You might also place them on your telephone block list to prevent phone contact.

Section 1 of 6:

How to Cut Ties With Your Toxic In Laws

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  1. When you’re dealing with difficult in-laws , it’s important to present a united front with your spouse. Even if your spouse is planning to maintain their relationship with their parents, they should support and defend your choice to cut ties . [1]
    • Rehearse some assertive responses with your spouse so they will know what to say if their parents bring up you or the rift between you and your in-laws.
    • If your spouse is severing ties with their parents, let them take the lead throughout the process.
  2. Life Coach Michelle Shahbazyan (MS, MA) says to let your in-laws know that you’re cutting contact with them, and give them your reasons. [2] Keep the conversation brief and stick to the facts. Avoid arguing or letting your emotions get the better of you. [3]
    • For instance, you could say something like, “I’m going to have to stop spending time around you because of the way you put me down in front of my children. It’s hurtful, and it’s not the kind of example I want my kids to see.”
    • Keep in mind that your in-laws will likely disagree with you, but you do not have to defend your decision to them.
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  3. If you are trying to limit any contact with toxic relatives, you will have to do a clean sweep. Unfriend or block your in-laws on platforms like Facebook. If necessary, block their email addresses, too. You might also place them on your telephone block list to prevent phone contact. [4]
  4. If you are truly trying to distance yourself from your in-laws, you may want to be proactive about different social and family gatherings. This may mean switching country club memberships, shopping at a new grocery store, or even declining invitations to events like weddings. Decide the level to which you need to avoid your in laws to find peace in your own life.
    • Saying "no" to events and finding new stomping grounds might prove to be a challenge. But the effort is worth it if you truly want to definitively cut off your in-laws.
  5. Stay calm around difficult in laws when they try to argue with you; calmly restate your boundaries, along with your reasons for cutting contact. Life Coach Michelle Shahbazyan states that, if other family members criticize your choice or try to make you feel guilty, explain to them that you’re protecting your well-being and your other relationships, and leave it at that. [5] [6]
  6. When you married your spouse, you didn't marry their family. Though your relationship to them is important, it shouldn't interfere with your relationship to your spouse. If necessary, remind them (along with your spouse if needed) about the necessary boundaries. You and your spouse should be the only 2 people at the heart of your relationship or marriage. [7]
  7. Remember that you may still come face-to-face with your in-laws one day, either by necessity or by chance. Be civil when you cut ties, and avoid saying anything nasty or intentionally hurtful to them. This will be helpful to you because you will likely feel guilt from time to time, and remembering that you have always controlled your temper and treated them with respect will help you to keep a clear conscience.
    • If other family members ask why you ended the relationship, be honest—don’t gossip or try to undermine your in-laws’ other relationships. [8]
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Section 2 of 6:

Setting Boundaries for Your Family

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  1. During a quiet moment when you won’t be interrupted, tell your spouse how you’re feeling about your in-laws. Ask them what they think of the situation. Work on finding a solution that you can both live with. It's unlikely you will resolve the dilemma in one conversation. The discussion should be ongoing.
    • Avoid accusing your in-laws of being bad people. If your spouse is still on good terms with them, they might jump to take their parents’ side. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings objectively.
    • For instance, you could say, “I know you love your parents, but I’m having a hard time dealing with the way they criticize me to my face whenever we see them. Have you noticed this, too? What can we do about it?”
  2. You may regret cutting off your in laws altogether and can instead focus on the first steps you can take. If the holidays are the most stressful time you spend with them, start choosing to spend a few of them with other family members or friends. If planning social engagements is a toxic time, keep any planning between you and your spouse whenever possible. [9]
    • For instance, you could say, “We’re going to take a break from family Thanksgiving this year and try an intimate dinner for just our immediate family. I’ve always wanted to cook Thanksgiving dinner, but want to start small.”
  3. Think about the scenarios that may come up and plan accordingly. At events, if that moment when you greet your in laws always includes them making a rude comment, arrange to arrive at a later time, have your response prepared, or rehearse something you can say first to prevent them from commenting. [10]
    • For instance, when greeting them, you could quickly say, “Wow, it’s so great to see you guys,” so they reconsider what they were planning to say to you.
  4. Communicate directly and honestly about how some of their behavior makes you feel. Stand your ground with confidence, while making sure not to overreact to every single thing they do, so you don’t further intensify the situation.
    • Adult counselor and certified hypnotherapist Julia Lyubchenko says that it takes certain steps to distance yourself from toxic family members. These include "establishing very, very clear personal boundaries, number one. Number two is to have very clear communication with these people about your rules, your boundaries, and which behaviors are okay vs. not okay." Lyubchenko emphasizes being "very clear in your communication when establishing those boundaries—be nice but firm." [11]
    • For instance, you could say, “I need to remind you to please not pick up the kids from school without calling me to ask first.”
  5. You’re taking a step in setting boundaries, so if you retreat from them early on, you’ll come across as not serious about your convictions. If you've asked your in laws to stop bringing up a certain subject around your family, you lose credibility if you bring up the same subject yourself. [12]
    • For instance, you could say, “Please don’t talk about politics or religion when at my home. I prefer a peaceful setting for family events.”
    EXPERT TIP

    Adam Dorsay, PsyD

    Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
    Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
    Adam Dorsay, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

    It's important to decide what your boundaries are regarding toxic in laws. What will you say yes to, and what is a definite no? Every time you say yes to something that is an absolute no, a little piece of you begins to beat up on yourself. You begin to resent the toxic person all the more, which adds to your own levels of internal toxicity.

  6. Cutting off your in-laws is a more complicated matter if you and your spouse have kids. Consider whether your children will continue to see their grandparents and, if so, how these visits will be arranged. [13]
    • Identify what types of behavior would warrant cutting off your in-laws’ access to their grandchildren. For example, you might decide that you will not allow them to be around your children if they are abusive, hold them to impossible standards, or put them into dangerous situations.
  7. Discuss the logistics of future family visits with your spouse. Think about whether you’re willing to spend time under the same roof as your in-laws and, if you’re not, whether your spouse will still attend family gatherings. [14]
    • For instance, you might decide to opt out of the annual Fourth of July barbecue with your in-laws but agree that your spouse will still attend with your kids.
  8. Decide what boundaries you want to enforce, and why. Keep open communication about your boundaries with your spouse to ensure you’re both on the same page. [15] Also, make sure to reevaluate these boundaries periodically to see what is working and what is not working so you can make changes as needed.
    • For example, you and your spouse might be overwhelmed by your in-laws interfering with parenting. This may be one of many boundaries you choose to communicate.
    • Other possible boundaries might be not discussing finances with them or not allowing them to stay at your home during visits, but setting them up at a nearby hotel.
  9. In laws may find the boundaries you set limiting, insulting, or offensive. Remember that they’re allowed to think however they want to; you can remain firm in what you believe and how you want to conduct your relationship with them. They can choose to follow the boundaries or distance themselves from you if they prefer to.
    • For instance, if your in laws start fighting with you repeatedly about not letting your kids spend time with them, it may be time for you or them to distance yourselves even more.
  10. Relationship issues with toxic in laws can drain you mentally, physically, and emotionally. Spend more time taking care of yourself in every way, from eating right and getting enough sleep to yoga or meditation classes or courses that you need to feel balanced.
    • For instance, spend the day after a stressful family get-together listening to a motivational class, taking a walk in nature, or cooking with your spouse.
  11. If you feel like the situation is more than you can take, reach out to a therapist or support group that can listen. It’s not easy dealing with toxic in laws, and there are many resources you can find to help you along the way.
    • For instance, join a forum online dealing with toxic in laws so you can hear others’ stories about what they went through, which will help you to not feel so alone. [16]
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Section 3 of 6:

Deciding to Cut Ties

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  1. Ask yourself how cutting off your in-laws will affect your relationship with your spouse and the rest of their family. Think about whether you’re prepared to deal with the potential fallout from your decision. [17]
    • For instance, if you get along well with some of your spouse’s other family members, consider that you may lose those relationships, too.
    • Also, if you have any children, becoming estranged from their grandparents could negatively affect them as well.
    • If you have financial ties to your relatives—such as relying on them for financial help or anticipating an inheritance in the future—you will be losing these things and putting yourself at financial risk.
  2. If you’re still fuming over something that your in-laws said or did, take a deep breath and give yourself some time to calm down. Avoid severing any relationships or lashing out in the heat of anger. You might end up saying or doing something you regret later. [18]
    • Wait a few days before having contact with your in-laws and take at least a couple of months before you make any major decisions about how to handle your in-laws. In the meantime, blow off some steam by meditating, working out, or writing in a journal.
    • Anger makes you see the world in more simplistic terms, which isn’t a good state of mind for making major decisions.
  3. Cutting off your in-laws can cause a rift in the family and make holidays tricky to manage. Think about whether it would be more practical to distance yourself while still maintaining a polite relationship. [19]
    • For instance, you might decide to limit your contact with your in-laws most of the time, but still see them at big family get-togethers. Your spouse can serve as a buffer between you and your in-laws to help make communication a bit easier.
    • Distancing yourself may be the simplest solution if you only see your in-laws once or twice a year.
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Section 4 of 6:

Signs of Toxic In-Laws

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  1. In laws that disregard any boundaries you try to set show you that they don’t feel boundaries apply to them. They’re unconcerned about how their behavior affects you or your family. They believe that it’s more important to get their way than change their behavior to accommodate others. [20]
  2. Whenever a conflict arises within the family, toxic in laws do their best to blame others. Whether blaming you or other members of the family, they refuse to acknowledge their part in a stressful situation. They instead prefer to use others as their scapegoats when their actions cause strife in the family. [21]
  3. No matter how you try to stand your ground, they manipulate the situation so they end up being in control. They may do this by choosing who in the family is privy to particular information and who they want to keep that information from. Whatever happens, these toxic in laws manage everyone and everything around them so they come out on top. [22]
  4. They constantly show disrespect for you in multiple forms; this can include everything from criticizing your skills as a spouse or partner to the way you choose to parent your kids. What you do is never good enough for them, and they are convinced that they always know what’s best. [23]
  5. Your stomach may be in knots whenever you know you’re about to see them because they could act like the nicest people in the world or the worst, depending on their mood. You end up being afraid of what to say to them and don’t say anything altogether. You also walk on eggshells when you don’t know how they’ll react, which is nothing but stressful. [24]
  6. They’re bound to fly off the handle and create an embarrassing situation in front of you and other family members. There are no quiet conversations with them; they’re more interested in expressing how insulted they are by your actions as loudly and harshly as they can, even if they’re the cause of the strife. [25]
  7. They can’t just make a point about something; they have to include a dig at you or your family in some way when they speak. They can’t lift themselves up without putting you down at the same time. It ends up making you feel powerless in responding to their endless barbs and jests. [26]
  8. No matter what the situation is, they never apologize for their words or actions. It sometimes forces you into reflexively apologizing instead, which gets them off the hook. They’re not capable of admitting guilt and would rather dance around an issue concerning their behavior than face it head on. [27]
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Section 5 of 6:

Things to Keep in Mind When Distancing Yourself From In Laws

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  1. 1
    Recognize that they may have reasons for their behavior. Even if you still decide to cut off your in laws, it’s important to first think about where they’re coming from. If you know they struggle with control issues or jealousy, try to be more empathic at first. If the issues are unresolvable and you decide “I hate my in laws,” then go ahead with distancing yourself from them, but try not to lose your compassion.
  2. 2
    Understand your spouse’s family dynamic. If your spouse has always maintained a close relationship to their parents, consider how they’ll feel when they cut off communication with them. If they come from a large, close-knit family with many siblings, they may already have distanced themselves from 1 or 2 of their siblings. If they only have one brother or sister, it could prove more difficult to lose touch with their only sibling.
  3. 3
    Stay open to creating a relationship with your in laws. Though you’re taking this step to distance yourself from your in laws now, there may come a time when you have children or when they’re grown that you wish to reconsider. Don’t close the door entirely or insist that the break must last forever. Life changes, and so do some family members under different circumstances.
    EXPERT TIP

    Casey Lee

    Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)
    Casey Lee is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Founder of Rooted Hearts Counseling LLC. With over a decade of experience, he specializes in facilitating growth and healing through co-creating safe and secure connections with couples. Casey holds an MA in Clinical Counseling from Columbia International University and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) which he uses with all his couples. He is also a Level 2 Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapist (AEDP) Therapist and a Level 1 trained Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Therapist. Casey is a member of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, the National Board of Certified Counselors, and an affiliate member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
    Casey Lee
    Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)

    It's sometimes possible to take steps before cutting off in laws. Often, a negative cycle happens where you and your family end up triggering each other in a way that gets you looped in a vicious cycle of disconnect. Seeing a family or relational therapist can be very helpful when you get stuck.

  4. 4
    Don’t forget that you and your spouse are a family too. When you said “I do,” you entered into a bond with your spouse as their partner; your primary loyalty is to them, and not your in laws. You and your spouse (and children if you have them) are your own family, and what’s best for you all is the most important thing. [28]
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Section 6 of 6:

Distance Yourself From Your In Laws FAQs

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  1. 1
    When should you cut off a relationship with toxic in-laws? It may be time to cut off your in laws when you feel overwhelmed by their mistreatment of you or your family. When you feel like the bad outweighs the good, and you’ve already tried every possible remedy, it’s time to think about distancing yourself. It’s a viable option when there has been a major boundary violation or incident, you’re aware of deeper issues, are experiencing guilt trips, or just know you absolutely need a break. [29]
  2. 2
    How do you politely say no to in laws? First, act as a team with your spouse so your decision is a joint one. When saying no to in laws, try to be as open and honest about the situation as possible. Use as many “I” statements over “you statements” so you don’t misplace blame and consider having your spouse deliver the news so it doesn’t feel like an attack. Try to have empathy throughout, but maintain your position with confidence. [30]
  3. 3
    How can I protect my marriage from my toxic in-laws? When experiencing toxic in laws, remember that your marriage is the primary relationship. Make a plan together with your spouse and put it into action sooner than later. If you get stuck in anticipation mode, you’ll never communicate what you need to with your in laws. Set clear boundaries and decide how you will respond to whatever they say in return. [31]
  4. 4
    How do you deal with jealous in laws? If you’re dealing with a jealous sister-in-law , mother-in-law, or another family member, don’t let them see that they’ve rattled you. Continue to be kind, and understand that their behavior might have more to do with their relationship to your spouse than to you. Try to ignore your mother-in-law or any in law that exhibits harmful behaviors, whether jealous or otherwise. Tread carefully, consider their point of view, and consider distancing yourself more if the problem doesn’t go away.
  5. 5
    Should I get a divorce if I hate my in laws? If you’re feeling close to divorce over toxic in laws, sit down with your spouse and let them know how you’re feeling. Stand up for yourself and your role as their partner; see where they stand concerning their family. Divorce is an option if your spouse chooses their relationship with their family over you, but if things can be worked out (possibly by both of you distancing yourself from in laws), your marriage is worth another shot. [32]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/06/tense-relationship-in-laws-husband-wont-stick-up-for-me
      2. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
      3. ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/6-steps-to-setting-boundaries-in-relationships_b_6142248.html
      4. ↑ https://offbeathome.com/ending-relationships-with-family/
      5. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
      6. ↑ https://www.marcandangel.com/2015/05/03/10-things-to-remember-about-toxic-family-members/
      7. ↑ https://mamamadefood.com/blogs/mamamadeblog/toxic-in-laws-and-annoying-family-members-heres-how-to-set-boundaries
      8. ↑ https://www.prevention.com/mind-body/breaking-up-with-a-family-member
      9. ↑ https://www.thisunfilteredlife.com/post/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-with-your-inlaws-tips-for-standing-your-ground-with-your-inlaws
      1. ↑ https://www.thisunfilteredlife.com/post/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-with-your-inlaws-tips-for-standing-your-ground-with-your-inlaws
      2. ↑ Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA. Adult Counselor & Certified Hypnotherapist. Expert Interview. 29 April 2020.
      3. ↑ https://mamamadefood.com/blogs/mamamadeblog/toxic-in-laws-and-annoying-family-members-heres-how-to-set-boundaries
      4. ↑ https://www.themotherco.com/2013/10/toxic-grandparents-what-to-do-and-how-to-move-forward/
      5. ↑ https://theartofcharm.com/empowerment/cut-toxic-people-life/
      6. ↑ https://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=799
      7. ↑ https://mamamadefood.com/blogs/mamamadeblog/toxic-in-laws-and-annoying-family-members-heres-how-to-set-boundaries
      8. ↑ https://wehavekids.com/family-relationships/Strained-Family-Relationships-When-You-Should-Cut-The-Ties-and-Say-Goodbye
      9. ↑ https://hbr.org/2010/09/how-anger-poisons-decision-making
      10. ↑ https://nymag.com/thecut/2015/05/ask-polly-can-i-cut-off-my-mother-in-law.html
      11. ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/life/toxic-in-laws-signs-help
      12. ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/life/toxic-in-laws-signs-help
      13. ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/life/toxic-in-laws-signs-help
      14. ↑ https://mind.family/articles/alarming-signs-of-toxic-in-laws-and-how-to-deal-with-them/
      15. ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/life/toxic-in-laws-signs-help
      16. ↑ https://mind.family/articles/alarming-signs-of-toxic-in-laws-and-how-to-deal-with-them/
      17. ↑ https://mind.family/articles/alarming-signs-of-toxic-in-laws-and-how-to-deal-with-them/
      18. ↑ https://mind.family/articles/alarming-signs-of-toxic-in-laws-and-how-to-deal-with-them/
      19. ↑ https://firstthings.org/distancing-from-in-laws/
      20. ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-cope-with-a-toxic-family-relationship/
      21. ↑ https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/love-sex/how-to-say-no-without-offending-your-spouse-or-in-laws/articleshow/103269106.cms
      22. ↑ https://firstthings.org/help-my-in-laws-are-ruining-my-marriage/
      23. ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-my-inlaws-made-and-br_b_1550646

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Cutting off your in-laws is a decision you shouldn't rush, so talk to your spouse first to make sure they think it's a good idea. Explain to them why you want to cut their family off, since it’s important that your spouse backs you up. Take steps to avoid speaking with them, like unfriending them on social media, blocking their phone numbers, and declining invites to social gatherings. If your spouse still feels the need to maintain contact, agree that they will attend family events alone. Alternatively, agree on boundaries to limit contact to a minimum. For example, this could mean that they stay in a hotel when they visit, not with you. For tips from our Relationship co-author on how to cut off your in-laws when you have children, read on!

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