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Create some distance from the people holding you back from happiness
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This article was co-authored by Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
and by wikiHow staff writer, Ali Garbacz, B.A.
. Julia Lyubchenko is an Adult Counselor and a Hypnotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Julia opened her practice in 2012, Therapy Under Hypnosis, specializing in resolving emotional and behavioral problems. She has a Certificate in Clinical Hypnosis from the Bosurgi Method School and is certified in Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and Hypnotherapy. She earned an MA in Counseling Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy from Alliant International University and an MSc in Developmental and Child Psychology from Moscow State University.
There are 10 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 48,418 times.
Choosing to cut someone out of your life is never an easy decision, but sometimes it’s necessary if they’re hurting you and affecting you in a negative way. Whatever your situation may be, this article is meant to support you. We’ll tell you the signs of toxic people to look out for and walk you through how to go about creating some distance from them, whether they’re friends, romantic partners, or even family members. Whatever questions you may have, we’re here to answer them all so you can feel more confident in your decision.
Things You Should Know
- Analyze the other person’s behavior to see if they’re really toxic. Toxic people usually act very self-centered, tends to play the victim, and is manipulative.
- Tell the other person directly that their behavior is negatively affecting you and that you don’t wish to see them anymore. Remember that you don’t owe them a long explanation.
- Be firm about setting physical and emotional boundaries that will keep the other person’s negativity out of your life.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
Cutting Someone Out of Your Life
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1Weigh the pros and cons of cutting them out of your life. Before you go to confront them, take a few moments to sit with yourself and process your thoughts and feelings. Go back and analyze the behaviors you thought were toxic, and ask yourself if they’re something you think you can deal with, or if putting an end to your relationship will make you happier. Take the time to calm down before making any rash decisions, and only go to confront the person once you feel ready. [1] X Research source
- Toxicity exists on a spectrum and may not affect everyone in the same way. What someone else might view as okay could be a big red flag for you in terms of whether or not someone is acting toxic.
- The most important thing is that you trust your instincts and be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. Even if someone else doesn't think it’s a big deal, don’t force yourself to endure a toxic relationship if your gut is telling you to get out.
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2Accept that you may not be able to change them. Some people simply won’t change even if their actions are hurting others. As frustrating as it may be, you may have to accept the fact that your decision to cut someone out of your life won’t be the key to changing them into a more considerate person. Instead, prioritize your own needs and try to take comfort in knowing that your decision will make you much happier and relieve some of your stress. [2] X Research sourceAdvertisement
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3Tell them what you want in a clear and concise manner. When you confront someone about their toxic behaviors, it’s important that you communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly . However, keep in mind that you don’t owe them a long explanation. If you simply want to tell them, “I don’t want to see you anymore,” that’s more than sufficient. Take the time to go through what you want to tell them, and practice delivering your words in a firm and concise way so that they get the message.
- Talk to them in a public space if you feel like your confrontation could get aggressive or even violent. Some toxic people can be unpredictable, so it’s best to talk in a place where there are other people to witness if things get heated.
- Write a script or a letter to yourself to better organize your thoughts. Take this as an opportunity to self-reflect and really think about your relationship with the other person.
- Use “I” statements to help your words sound less defensive and accusatory. Instead of saying something like, “You’re always so insulting,” say something like, “I feel really bad when you make belittling comments.”
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4Set firm personal boundaries. One thing that makes a person toxic is their tendency to project their insecurity or negativity onto the people around them. In order to keep this negativity away from you and cut the other person out of your life, establish firm physical and emotional boundaries .
- Physical boundaries can be things like requesting to spend time apart from each other, while emotional boundaries might be something like refusing to share personal secrets with the other person.
- Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if direct confrontation isn’t easy for you. One way to help with this is to start saying “no” and giving your honest opinion on smaller things first.
- For example, if your friend is trying to force you to do what they want during the weekend, gently tell them “no” and make your own suggestion. Something like, “No, I don’t really want to do that. How about we go to the mall instead?” is a good start.
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5Create some distance or cut them off completely. Whether you choose to cut them completely out of your life or just take a short break from them is up to you and what you feel you need. If their toxic behavior is severely impacting your life to the point that you can’t get work done or go about your daily life without feeling extremely stressed and anxious, cutting off all contact might be beneficial in the long run. [3] X Research source
- However, if you feel like you just need a bit of time to work through your thoughts and allow them to realize that their behavior is hurting you, it might be good to just take a break for a few weeks or months.
- Remove or block them on social media to get rid of all possibilities of contacting them again. If your goal is to make a clean break, it’s best to cut them off both in the physical world and the digital world.
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6Surround yourself with loving and healthy relationships. Even though a person might have been toxic towards you, it can still definitely be hard to let them go and deal with the space they left behind. That’s why it’s extremely important to go and surround yourself with friends and family who will show you unconditional love and support. Make sure you’re allotting yourself time to go out and have fun with your friends and keep in touch with your family. [4] X Research source
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7Keep yourself away if they try to pull you back in. Unfortunately, a toxic person might not be ready to let things go that easily. If they try to come back into your life or pull you back towards them by coming to you with drama or a problem, stay strong and remember the boundaries you set. It’s human nature to want to help someone, but it’s important that you don’t forget the negativity their toxicity brought into your life. [5] X Research source
- Forgiving someone is an important step in moving on, but don’t completely forget how their toxic behavior affected you. Forgiving but not forgetting will help you move forward and avoid getting involved with other toxic people.
- Reader Poll: We asked 515 wikiHow readers to give us their opinion on the most effective way to avoid someone, and 45% said that completely cutting off all contact (including text, social media, and in-person communication) was the best strategy. [Take Poll]
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8Talk to loved ones or a professional. Dealing with a toxic person can be incredibly overwhelming, and you might have a lot of mixed emotions that you simply don’t know how to deal with. When this happens, don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family members who you know you can trust and ask them for their advice. Or, consider talking to a therpist to help you work through the situation. [6] X Research source
- Check with your health insurance provider to find therapists near you, or use online resources like BetterHelp .
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Section 2 of 4:
Traits of Toxic People
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1They’re self-centered. It can be incredibly frustrating dealing with a toxic person, because you might feel like you’re giving so much to them while they only take from you. A toxic person will often act extremely entitled, and they may be aggressive when working to get what they want. [7] X Research source
- For example, you might notice that you’re always ready to sit down and talk with your friend when they have a problem, but they always seem to disappear whenever you’re in need of help.
- Or, you might have a coworker who always insists on doing things their way. They might constantly use their seniority over you to get what they want, even if their ideas aren’t the best.
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2They manipulate you. Toxic people aren’t above using manipulation to get what they want. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to spot when someone is manipulating your thoughts and feelings since they might use very passive-aggressive phrasing or subtle tactics. Toxic people usually aren’t afraid to blame others, play mind games, or spread rumors to get what they want. [8] X Research source
- Toxic people might use gaslighting to get you to doubt yourself. Saying things like, “That’s not what happened” and “You’re overreacting” are ways a toxic person can get you to put the blame on yourself.
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3They lie to you. If you feel like someone is constantly lying to you and that you can’t always believe what they say, this is a potential sign of a toxic relationship. A toxic person’s lies can range from small things, such as getting a good grade on a test when they actually failed, to much bigger things, like saying they got a promotion when they didn’t. [9] X Research source
- A toxic person might try to constantly one-up you, even if they have to lie to make that happen.
- For instance, you might tell your friend about the marathon you just ran, and they might come back saying something about how they got first place in a marathon they ran years ago even though you know that never happened.
- In some cases, a toxic person might even try to sabotage you in order to ruin your chances of success. For example, your coworker might purposefully not pass on a message from your boss so that you end up looking irresponsible.
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4They’re controlling. Toxic people can be very controlling due to feelings of jealousy. While it’s completely natural to be a little possessive over your friends, family, or partner, toxic people tend to take this possessiveness to a more extreme level, and they’ll often try to control what you do or who you hang out with. They might get upset by the smallest things, and you might find yourself overthinking everything you do so that you don’t upset them. [10] X Research source
- For example, your partner might tell you they don’t want you to hang out with people of the opposite gender because they feel threatened. However, they might try and play it off by saying, “I just love you so much, and I don’t want to share you with anyone.”
- A toxic person’s controlling behavior can also end up isolating you from people you’re close to. For example, your partner might always come up with a reason why you can’t spend time with your family over the holidays.
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5They aren’t compassionate toward you. Even though a toxic person can come off as very friendly and outgoing at first, you might notice that they don’t actually care about how you’re doing or how you feel as time goes on. Whenever you go to them with a problem, they might give you half-hearted advice or change the topic altogether. [11] X Research source
- For example, if you go to your friend to talk to them about some doubts you’re having about your career, you would probably expect them to offer you some advice or at least a place to vent your frustrations and worries.
- However, a toxic friend might just say something like, “It’s not even that big of a deal. You’re overreacting.”
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6Drama follows them wherever they go. After hanging around a toxic person, you might see that drama and arguments tend to happen whenever they’re around. Some toxic people love to complain, and you might notice that they always seem to find the negatives in situations. Gossiping and starting arguments over the smallest of things are two common habits of toxic people. [12] X Research source
- Some toxic people tend to be quite cynical for no reason. For instance, when you’re planning what to do on a Friday night, they might say all of your ideas are boring or dumb when they don’t even have any ideas to contribute.
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7They always have to be right. Even when they’re wrong, a toxic person likely won’t admit their mistakes. If they hurt you or someone else, they might not readily own up to their actions and apologize. This is often due to feelings of insecurity, and a toxic person will sometimes do whatever they can to make sure they look good in front of others. [13] X Research source
- For instance, your friend might insist that they know what’s best for you and try to give you relationship advice. When their advice doesn’t work, they might get defensive and tell you that they gave you great advice, you just didn’t follow it correctly.
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8They usually play the victim. When it comes to toxic people, they can never do any wrong. Instead, they’ll often throw the blame on someone else, or they’ll come up with an excuse that allows them to play the victim and get sympathy from others. They might even throw the blame on you and get others to gang up on you or give you the cold shoulder. [14] X Research source
- As an example, your friend might come to you to complain about how much they hate their job. They might say things like, “Life is so unfair” and “I’d be happy if things were different,” but they don’t actually do anything to change their situation.
- Or, your partner might have done something to upset you, but they end up putting the blame on you by saying, “Well, I wouldn’t have done that if you spent more time with me.”
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9They’re constantly putting you down. If someone truly loves and appreciates you, they won’t say anything to make you feel insecure. Toxic people, however, aren’t above saying some very belittling or even humiliating comments that can really hurt. In some cases, their own low self-esteem and insecurity may be what causes them to lash out, but that still doesn’t excuse the damage their words can cause. [15] X Research source
- An example of a belittling comment would be something like, “Oh, I don’t expect you to know this. It’s pretty complicated” or “Honestly, I sometimes wonder how you’ve made it this far in life.”
- They might try to play off their comment as a joke or add “No offense” to make it seem like they don’t actually mean it. However, that might not take away from the hurt their words can cause you.
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10They disregard your boundaries. It can be beyond frustrating when you constantly tell someone “no,” but they continue to ignore you. Even if you have clear boundaries when it comes to your physical and mental well-being, a toxic person oftentimes won’t show any remorse in bulldozing right past them. If they continue to disregard your boundaries, it’s natural to feel as though they’ve broken your trust. [16] X Research source
- For example, you might have told your friend a secret and trusted them to keep it just between you two. However, not even a day later, you found out that they’ve already told the rest of your friends.
- Or, despite telling your partner that you’re not okay with public displays of affection, they might still insist on kissing when you go out. They might justify themselves by saying, “I’m only trying to show you how much I love you. Why are you being like this?”
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Section 3 of 4:
Should I cut out toxic family members?
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1Think about what the consequences will look like. Cutting off toxic family members is different from ending a toxic friendship . Unfortunately, there’s still a possibility that you’ll have to see that family member in the future, such as during holidays. Ask yourself if you think you’ll be able to deal with them even after cutting them off. In the end, your decision depends on your personal coping strategies and your overall family dynamic. [17] X Research source
- Will it be more stressful having to deal with the aftermath? Be honest with yourself and think about all of the possible outcomes that can result from you distancing yourself from them.
- Make sure you have your own support system to help you if you decide to cut out a specific family member. For example, if you’re cutting out a member of your extended family, make sure your parents and siblings are on your side and ready to back you up.
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2Give yourself time to calm down before making a decision. It’s incredibly difficult to cut off family members who might’ve hurt you, but sometimes it’s necessary for the sake of your happiness and well-being. Before making a definite decision, be sure to take the time to calm down and clear your mind so that you can gain better control of your emotions . While you may be feeling frustrated or angry, there’s a possibility you might make a decision you’ll later regret if you act rashly. [18] X Research source
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3Try creating some distance before deciding to cut them off for good. While it may not be possible to completely cut the other person out of your life, you can still put some emotional distance between you and them. For example, even though you might have to see them a couple of times throughout the year during holidays, make a promise to yourself that you’ll just stick to making small talk with them and not let them know about any personal matters going on in your life. [19] X Research source
- If you feel nothing but dread, stress, or anxiety at the idea of having to interact with a certain family member, that might be a sign that it’s time to cut them out rather than just create some distance.
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Section 4 of 4:
Negative Effects of Toxic People
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1They can turn you into a toxic person. Unfortunately, toxicity can be very contagious, and you might find yourself becoming more aggressive and negative the longer you hang around a toxic person. While it may be unintentional on your part, it’s natural for even the best of people to become toxic the longer they’re surrounded by such people. [20] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- For example, if your boss is being belittling and aggressive towards you, you might unknowingly take out your own frustrations on your coworkers in a similar fashion.
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2They might make you feel insecure about yourself. The passive-aggressive and judgemental comments some toxic people make can really hurt. Even if you know their words aren’t true, it can still be difficult to just let their comment roll off your back and act as if nothing happened. [21] X Research source
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3They can cause you to feel very stressed. Constantly feeling like you’re being judged or scrutinized can be extremely stressful. A toxic person’s dishonesty and manipulative behavior might have you constantly on edge, and you might be worried if you can really trust their words and intentions. You may even feel the need to tread carefully around them since some toxic people’s behavior can be rather unpredictable. [22] X Research source
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4They can make you second guess yourself. In order to get what they want, a toxic person isn’t above using things like manipulation and gaslighting to make you doubt yourself when making decisions. In some cases, they may even do this to make you more dependent on them. [23] X Research source
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5They leave you feeling drained, angry, or frustrated after talking to them. Healthy relationships should leave you feeling happy and satisfied after talking with someone. However, a toxic person’s negativity or aggressive behavior might leave you feeling the exact opposite when your conversation finally ends. Instead of feeling refreshed, you might just feel drained after being with a toxic person, and you might not really look forward to interacting with them. [24] X Research source
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201307/how-gently-let-go-toxic-friend
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/tips-for-dealing-with-your-toxic-parents
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-toxic-behaviors-you-should-never-tolerate
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-toxic-behaviors-you-should-never-tolerate
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-disaster-strikes-inside-disaster-psychology/201911/toxic-people-how-recognize-and-avoid
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/ending-domestic-violence/signs-of-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-disaster-strikes-inside-disaster-psychology/201911/toxic-people-how-recognize-and-avoid
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one#whats-a-toxic-person
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-disaster-strikes-inside-disaster-psychology/201911/toxic-people-how-recognize-and-avoid
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/ending-domestic-violence/signs-of-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/202204/5-strategies-cope-toxic-family-members
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/202204/5-strategies-cope-toxic-family-members
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/202204/5-strategies-cope-toxic-family-members
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/10/how-to-manage-a-toxic-employee
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Julia Lyubchenko, MS, MA
and by wikiHow staff writer, Ali Garbacz, B.A.
. Julia Lyubchenko is an Adult Counselor and a Hypnotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Julia opened her practice in 2012, Therapy Under Hypnosis, specializing in resolving emotional and behavioral problems. She has a Certificate in Clinical Hypnosis from the Bosurgi Method School and is certified in Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and Hypnotherapy. She earned an MA in Counseling Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy from Alliant International University and an MSc in Developmental and Child Psychology from Moscow State University. This article has been viewed 48,418 times.
4 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 5
Updated: June 10, 2024
Views: 48,418
Categories: Relationships
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 48,418 times.
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