How to Date an Intersex Person

Intersex people are born with sex characteristics, which include genital, gonadal, and chromosomal traits, that do not fit constructed binary notions of male or female bodies. Intersex is an umbrella term used to describe a wide range of natural bodily variations. It's important to educate yourself, particularly if you are dating an intersex person. There are several steps you can take to make your dating life feel more comfortable.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Being an Advocate

  1. Starting a new relationship can sometimes feel awkward. Things can become even more complicated if you are dating an intersex person. This may be a new experience for you, but if you put yourself in the right frame of mind you'll find you can fully engage in your new relationship. [1]
    • Keep an open mind. Don't accept stereotypes as fact.
    • Be ready to learn new information. You may not have much experience with intersex people. That's ok. Just be willing to learn about it.
    • Don't be afraid to ask questions. If you don't understand something, just ask.
  2. Gaining new knowledge can help you understand more about intersex people. The more you know, the better you will be able to relate. [2] When you begin dating, take some time to learn more about what it means to be intersex. [3]
    • Use the internet. There are many sites online, such as InterACT and OII, that can provide very useful information.
    • Make sure to look for sites that are providing information based in fact.
    • Just start reading. Take in a wide range of information from a variety of topics.
    Advertisement
  3. For years, intersex people have been discriminated against in mainstream society. Some people were also subjected to painful and oftentimes unnecessary medical procedures to make their sex characteristics more typical. Take some time to learn about the history of the struggle for rights and non-discrimination. [4]
    • Intersex advocacy groups began to grow in numbers during the 1990s. These groups promote allowing intersex people to make their own choices.
    • The goals of advocacy groups is to help people learn what it means to be intersex. They also fight to have a voice in the medical community, for example to prevent unnecessary medical intervention on intersex children.
    • Ask the person you are dating about their personal journey as an intersex person. Every individual story is different.
  4. It is important to use the correct terminology. In the past, it was common to refer to intersex people as "hermaphrodites". Unfortunately, this inaccurate term is still sometimes used today. [5]
    • Be aware that language changes with society. Intersex is the proper term, so take care not to use outdated terms that could offend someone.
    • Intersex people often, but not always, identify with the challenges of the LGBT population. Sometimes it is even called LGBTI, which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender/transsexual, and intersex.
    • Make it a point to use the proper terms for all people. If you need help, ask someone which language they prefer.
    Advertisement
Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Coping with Challenges

  1. Intersex people often have to deal with unique challenges. For example, they may face discrimination from family, or even their doctors. When you date an intersex person, you should practice patience. [6]
    • Be aware that these challenges can cause intense emotions. If your partner seems angry or sad at times, show kindness and patience.
    • Don't make it about you. Be aware that if your partner is upset, it's likely not your fault. Just ask how you can help.
    • Try saying, "I understand that you're frustrated right now. Please know that I'm here for you." That illustrates that you are patient and supportive.
  2. Communication is key in any relationship. This applies no matter who you are dating. Make sure to put effort into communicating effectively with your partner.
    • Take time to talk. If you are having a conflict, use words to work it out. Try saying, "Things feel tense lately. Do you have time this week to talk?"
    • Actively listen. Listening shows respect. Demonstrate that you are listening by paraphrasing, making eye contact, and changing your facial expressions.
    • Ask questions. In any relationship, it is important to understand the other person's point of view.
    • Try asking questions to figure out how they feel. You could say, "How are you feeling about our relationship?"
  3. You don't have to limit yourself to making supportive statements to your partner. You can become more involved by becoming an advocate for intersex people. This will show your partner that you are invested and that you care. [7]
    • Speak out against all types of discrimination. You can contact your local lawmakers if there are any concerning laws in your area.
    • You can also help educate people that you know. For example, if you hear someone making an incorrect statement about an LGBTI person, speak up.
    • You can say, "Actually, that's just more of an urban legend. Medically speaking...". Use your knowledge to help other people become more tolerant.
  4. Sometimes intersex people might face challenges being intimate. For some, it is painful. This can be caused by childhood surgeries performed to "fix" their condition. [8]
    • For others, they may be dealing with discomfort or even shame about their genitals. This might make intimacy difficult.
    • Intimacy is important in any relationship. Take care to put effort into this aspect of your relationship.
    • You do not immediately have to figure out how to make intercourse work for you. Instead, you can try different forms of intimacy.
    • For example, you could try sensual touching or massage. You can also enjoy a lot of kissing, hand holding, and cuddling.
    Advertisement
Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Connecting and Being Romantic

  1. It's true that dating an intersex person can have specific challenges. But in most ways, it's not really that different from any relationship. Remember, an intersex person is just that--a person. [9]
    • Treat your partner like an individual. Don't think, "I'm dating an intersex person." Instead, think, "I'm dating Robin."
    • Get to know the unique personality characteristics of your partner. Find out what makes them laugh, what foods they like, and what they like to read.
    • Look for common interests. Finding things in common can help you bond at any point in your relationship.
  2. Dating should be enjoyable. Whether you are getting ready for your second date or your fiftieth, make sure that you are having fun. Put some effort into finding enjoyable activities that you can share together. [10]
    • Go on an adventure. Try hiking a new trail or exploring a new city during a weekend road trip.
    • Take turns planning date nights. Even if it's just a movie on the couch, it can feel fun and romantic when the other person plans an evening all about the two of you.
    • Laugh together. Watch a funny movie or go to a dog park and watch the puppies play.
  3. Dating can be hard. It can be especially complicated if it is the first time you are dating an intersex person. Try to take some of the pressure off of yourself. [11]
    • Know that there might be bumps in the road. Don't be upset if your relationship is not perfect--no one's is.
    • Don't worry so much about the future. You don't need to determine immediately (or even in the first year) whether the person you are dating is "the one".
    • Remind yourself that it takes time to get to know someone. Relax and take time to figure each other out.
    • Be kind to yourself. Be patient as you explore a new relationship. It's okay to learn as you go. [12]
    Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit

      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      Advertisement

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Do Hairstyles for Curly Hair
      How to
      Make Sourdough Starter
      How to
      Dress Modestly for a Mormon Church (for Females)
      How to
      Style Shoulder Length Hair
      How to
      Make a Healthy Lunch
      How to
      Make Thanksgiving Dinner for Two
      How to
      Cook Egusi Soup
      How to
      Do a St. Patrick's Day Makeup Look
      How to
      Make Chia Seed Pudding
      How to
      Attain Effortless Beauty
      How to
      Turn Your Favorite Photo Into Wallpaper
      How to
      Get Rid of Blackheads on Your Nose
      How to
      Do a Natural Everyday Makeup Look in 10 Minutes
      How to
      Dress on a Cruise
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a32957/sex-talk-realness-being-intersex/
      2. ↑ Marissa Floro, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.
      3. ↑ http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex
      4. ↑ http://www.isna.org/faq/history
      5. ↑ http://www.transequality.org/issues/resources/transgender-terminology
      6. ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx
      7. ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx
      8. ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/15/living/intersex-dating-relate/
      9. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-find-lasting-love.htm
      1. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-find-lasting-love.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201111/4-rules-surviving-dating-how-find-lasting-love
      3. ↑ http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/01/28-ways-to-be-kinder-gentler-more-compassionate/

      About this article

      Article Summary X

      Have you met a special someone who happens to be intersex? To be a good partner, be open-minded and respectful. Educate yourself about intersex issues, identities, and history. Learn the terms that your significant other is comfortable with and prefers to use when discussing their identity, sex, gender, or anatomy. Effective communication is important in any relationship, so check in with your partner sometimes and have open, honest discussions about any issues that come up. When it comes down to it, dating an intersex person isn’t really different from dating anyone else. Focus on getting to know them, bonding over common interests, and enjoying each other!

      Did this summary help you?
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 70,468 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Anna Thomas

        Jul 7, 2016

        "Finding the right mind frame spoke out most to me because I need to figure out somehow how my friends and family ..." more
      More reader stories Hide reader stories

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement