How to Tell If You're Dating or Just Hanging Out

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Decipher the blurred lines of modern romance with expert tips
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When you have a crush on someone and they ask you to "hang out," it can feel really confusing. You want it to be a date— but do they ? In this modern age, where labels and titles are being left up to interpretation more and more, figuring out whether you’re actually dating or simply hanging out in a more platonic sense can be tricky. Keep reading to learn the difference between dating and hanging out, with expert insights from dating coaches on what makes a date and how to turn a hangout into something more.

Dating vs Hanging Out

According to dating coach Laura Bilotta, figuring out if you're on a date can depend on the other person's energy. Giving you compliments, initiating affection, and flirting are all good signs that it's a date. If they planned and/or paid for it, it's likely a date. If it’s last-minute, it may just be a hangout.

Section 1 of 5:

What’s the difference between dating and hanging out?

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  1. A date is intentional, and both people are typically emotionally invested, with the goal of figuring out if they’d make a good match. According to dating coach Kimberly Hill, dating is defined as a “mutual agreement that we're exploring and getting to know one another.” [1] On the other hand, hanging out with someone is casual and often spontaneous, with little planning or thought behind it. It can be platonic, but it can also be romantic if there is flirting, touching, or hooking up, but it typically doesn’t involve the same amount of commitment, intention, or expectations for the future.
    • “Hanging out” with someone can imply that the two of you are into each other romantically and simply testing the waters before deciding to officially date. “Hanging out” can also suggest that two friends are hooking up , but it may mean that there aren’t long-term expectations or plans for a serious relationship.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Laura Bilotta is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker with over 21 years of experience, focusing on helping singles date more intentionally and encouraging them to let go of negative patterns so that they can attract the love that they deserve.

    JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine with over ten years of dating coaching experience.

    Kimberly Hill is a certified dating and relationship coach. She helps divorced and single men get unstuck, elevate their dating experiences, and build meaningful connections.

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Section 2 of 5:

Figuring Out If It’s a Date or a Hangout

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  1. Dating coach JT Tran notes that this is one of the first ways to tell whether an outing is friendly or romantic. He says, “If [it] was planned well in advance of when it's scheduled, it's probably a date.” [2]
    • If it’s a spontaneous invite, it’s most likely a hangout. Tran warns that “if it was a last-minute decision to catch up because both of you have nothing better to do, it's probably just hanging out.” [3]
    • As a general rule of thumb, planning and thoughtfulness equals date, spur-of-the-moment activity = hanging out.
  2. A date is between two people, usually in an intimate, dimly lit setting. This ambiance allows the couple to chat, flirt, and get to know each other without the pressure of having to entertain other people at the same time. If it’s just you two, sitting close, speaking softly, and enjoying genuine conversation— congrats, you’re on a date! And it seems to be going well. [4]
    • If your meeting is taking place in a large group setting, then it’s most likely a hangout. Hanging out with your crush in a group doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t want to date you. It simply means that that specific group hangout is probably not a date.
  3. If they compliment and flirt with you , it’s probably a date. Dating coach Laura Bilotta encourages you to ask yourself the following questions: “During the date, pay attention: [do they] treat you like a lady or like one of [their friends]? [Are they] offering your compliments? [Are they] instigating physical contact? [Are they] flirting with you and playing along when you flirt? [Do they] offer to pay for the date, or do you go Dutch?” [5] The answers to these questions should clarify their intentions, but trust your gut, too.
    • If they’re treating you like a friend, calling you “dude” or “bud,” and keeping their physical distance, then it’s possibly just a hangout. Moreover, if the conversation seems mindless, unengaging, and low-effort, this other person might not be too concerned with making a great impression with you, which means they’re better off in the friend zone , anyway.
  4. Tran confirms the belief that paying for the meal, event, or activity cements the fact that it is indeed a date. He says, “Studies have supported this: when you offer to pay, the assumption is that it is a date, as opposed to if you were to split it, then that would be platonic or friends.” [6]
    • I f they don’t offer to pay, it’s probably just a hangout. This isn’t the case 100% of the time, so if you’re comfortable doing so, ask them for clarification.
    • Tran suggests you say something like, “Honestly, I thought this was a date up until you asked to split the bill. Was I reading this wrong?” [7]
  5. Typically, after a good first date, one or both interested parties suggest making plans for a second romantic outing. Whether they’re plans to go check out the touring art exhibit in town or the hot new Italian bistro up the road, someone who is romantically pursuing you will want to lock in another date. [8]
    • If there’s no talk of going out again, then it may have been a friendly hangout. Or, they may want to hang out again, but with the same friendly intentions. If they don't follow up after the date, or if you discuss plans but never solidify details (like, "We should do this again sometime"), then they may just be in it for the friendship with you.
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Section 3 of 5:

Why is it so hard to tell the difference between dating and hanging out?

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  1. Figuring out whether you’re dating or just hanging out has become more and more difficult in the modern dating climate. “Hanging out” feels low-pressure, so you can essentially test-drive the relationship and see what it would really be like. Hanging out has become a norm for many people because there's less pressure to be defined by labels, and there are fewer strict social expectations than there were, say, 30 years ago. [9]
    • There is also less cultural emphasis on marriage, causing many young people to shift priorities over to friendships and careers (including friendships with people of other genders).
    • Gender norms are also more relaxed than in the past, which makes a “hang-out” a gender neutral request and harder to determine romantic interest, as opposed to when an invite from a heterosexual male to a female implied romantic interest.
    • In a “Dating Advice” thread on Reddit, a user asked how to spot the difference between dating and hanging out. In general, replies from other users noted that a date involved “some kind of planned activity,” “expressed romantic intentions,” and “being touchy.” On the other hand, “hangouts” were defined by “platonic friendship” and “staying at the house.” [10]
Section 4 of 5:

How to Get Clarity

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  1. When in doubt, there is no shame in asking whether something is a date or a casual hangout between friends. Actually, it shows that you have good communication skills and respect the relationship enough to ask for clarity to avoid misunderstandings. If you’re unsure as to whether this other person has asked you out as a friend or in an attempt to woo you, try saying something like: [11]
    • “Hey, I just wanted to make sure— is this a date or a friendly hang?”
    • “No pressure at all, but I did want to ask so that I know what to expect— is this a date?”
    • “Out of curiosity, is this a date?”
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Section 5 of 5:

How do I move on from rejection if it’s not a date?

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  1. Feeling disappointed after being rejected is a perfectly human response. If you got your hopes up about going on a date with your crush, only to find out that they invited you out in a friendly, non-romantic way, it can feel emotionally crippling. The best course of action to deal with rejection is to feel all your feelings, process them by chatting with a close friend or writing in your journal, and then dusting yourself off and picking yourself right back up. [12]
    • On Quora , one user asked how to deal with rejection. Answers include acknowledging your feelings, reflecting on the situation, and limiting your negative self-talk. Another user says, “Remember, rejection is a part of life, and many people experience it. With time and self-compassion, you can move forward and find new opportunities.”
    • Rejection is simply redirection, and this other person certainly wasn’t the last fish in the sea. So, just keep swimming!

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      References

      1. ↑ Kimberly Hill. Certified Dating and Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/12/are-we-networking-or-is-this-a-date
      5. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ JT Tran. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://bumble.com/en-us/the-buzz/how-to-ask-for-a-second-date
      9. ↑ https://therebelution.com/blog/2021/12/expectation-vs-reality-navigating-expectations-in-a-dating-relationship/
      1. ↑ https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/14zvt8w/how_is_a_date_different_from_hanging_out/
      2. ↑ https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/is-it-a-date/
      3. ↑ https://psyche.co/guides/how-to-handle-rejection-so-that-you-can-heal-and-move-on

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