How to Date with Intention (and Why You Might Want to)

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Learn how to find deeper love through intentional dating
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Are you exhausted by dating apps? Frustrated by bad date after bad date? It might be time to try dating with intention—a more focused, deliberate approach to meeting people. Read on for expert advice from dating and relationship coach Suzanna Mathews as well as matchmaker and dating coach Judith Gottesman so you can start dating intentionally—and maybe even meet the person of your dreams.

Dating with Intention

Dating with intention offers an alternative to casual dating. To date with intention, narrow the field based on your core values and life goals—instead of casting a wide net and going on a lot of (potentially terrible) dates.

Section 1 of 3:

What is dating with intention?

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  1. When you're dating intentionally, you have an idea of the type of relationship you want and immediately disregard anyone who is incapable of meeting your needs—even if you find them intriguing or like the way they look. [1]
    • What dating with intention tends to look like is that you go on fewer dates overall, but the people you see are people you're much more likely to connect with.
    • Instead of casting a wide net and giving anyone a chance, you're more selective based on the type of relationship you want and the type of person you want to share your life with.
    • Overall, dating with intention is considered more efficient because you aren't wasting your time on people who aren't legitimate candidates.
    • For example, if it's important to you to be in a monogamous relationship, you would immediately eliminate anyone who wanted an ethically non-monogamous relationship or who only wanted to date casually without a commitment.
    • As another example, if you don't want kids, you would immediately eliminate anyone who wanted kids or already had kids.
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Section 2 of 3:

How to Date with Intention

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  1. You might be wanting to date casually and meet some new people, find a life partner, or anything in between. The type of relationship you're looking for doesn't matter—the important thing is that you know what you need in a relationship and what kind of relationship would fulfill those needs. [2]
    • Knowing the type of relationship you're looking for will also give you an idea of the type of person you're looking for. Stay away from physical attributes—focus instead on how you want to feel when you're with this person.
    • Learning your love language can help you figure out more about how you want to be treated in a relationship. You might check out the 7 "new" love languages as well!
    • For example, if your love language is appreciation, you'll feel most fulfilled in a relationship with a partner who regularly acknowledges your efforts and thanks you regularly.
    • Keep in mind that the attraction is the easy part—you're looking for someone who will actually fulfill your needs. Thinking back on lessons learned from past relationships can help you figure this out as well.
  2. If you're dating intentionally, there's no point in swiping right on every person on every dating app within a 10-mile radius of you because most of them aren't going to fit the bill. Create search criteria based on your goals and values, then go to where those people are.
    • For example, if a love of animals is one of your core values, you might volunteer at a local animal shelter to walk dogs and see who you meet along your route.
    • If you do meet someone on a dating app, Gottesman recommends "that you talk on the phone… before you meet in person."
    • "Now, of course, having a great conversation doesn't guarantee that you're gonna have chemistry in person," Gottesman continues. "But if you have a bad conversation, or you're just really, really bored in the first five minutes, there's no reason to waste your time meeting this person."
  3. When you tell potential dates what you're looking for, you show that you have respect for their time and resources. Especially as adults, you're likely both facing limited time to date and get to know each other. There's no point in wasting each other's time if you're looking for different things. [3]
    • For example, if you're looking for a potential life partner and a dating app match tells you that they're only interested in casual dating and not looking to settle down any time soon, you're probably better off not even meeting them.
  4. Gottesman mentions that "parks are great because they're pretty, you feel good in them, you're outdoors, you're public. It's a nice activity to do together for a first date. And it allows you to walk and talk or to sit and talk. The point is, you can talk and focus on each other."
    • "I do not recommend doing anything like a concert or a movie or something where you can't speak", Gottesman continues.
    • It can help to follow the 3-3-3 rule, which went viral on TikTok for its ability to keep you out of a vague situationship. The rule is simple: 3 dates to figure out if you're attracted to one another, 3 weeks to tell if there might be a future with this person, and 3 months to lock down a committed relationship. [4]
  5. If you just wait around for emotionally intimate moments to happen, you're not acting intentionally. Instead, actively form a bond with the person you're interested in by opening up to them and asking them questions that encourage them to open up as well. [5]
    • Mathews recommends "sharing things that will give the other person a little bit of an in-depth look into who you are."
    • "Sharing those little glimpses into your psyche," she continues, "is so much more interesting than, 'hey, how's your day?'"
    • Gottesman adds that "if you can manage to laugh together about something, that's always a good way to connect with somebody using laughter."
    EXPERT TIP

    Suzanna Mathews

    Dating & Relationship Coach
    Suzanna Mathews is a Dating and Relationship Coach and the Founder of The Date Maven. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in creating mindset tools, social strategies, and digital strategies that help her clients elevate dating and deepen connections. Suzanna holds a BA in Communications from Bethel College, North Newton, and an MA in Theater and Dramatic Arts from Wichita State University.
    Suzanna Mathews
    Dating & Relationship Coach

    It's okay to be random. If the conversation dries up, all you have to do is just say 'hey, random, quick question,' or 'hey, random thought.' Then you pretty much have permission to bring up anything from the migration patterns of whales to whatever you want to talk about.

  6. If you really like someone, it can be tempting to fudge the truth a little because you want them to like them back. Maybe you tell them that you love Indian food, for example, when you've never even tried it before. But it's always best to take the risk of being completely honest so you can connect with someone who values who you truly are as a person. [6]
    • This kind of thing is often more tempting when you're just getting to know someone—but that's also when it can be the most damaging because you're not giving the person a chance to get to know who you really are.
  7. If something doesn't feel right, don't stick around. If you notice red flags, accept them for what they are and move on. The same goes for the positive feelings as well—when your gut tells you something's great and the person makes you feel good about yourself, keep moving forward. [7]
    • For example, things might be going great until the third date, when your date has twice as many drinks as you do and keeps pressuring you to get sexual. If you feel uncomfortable, thank them for their time and be on your way.
    • You don't have to make a big deal out of this or accuse the person of anything. Simply tell them that you've had second thoughts or you just aren't feeling it anymore and wish them luck.
  8. Timing is of the essence here, as Gottesman explains: "If too much time goes by between the phone call and the first date, or the first date and the second date… then the second or third date never happens."
    • "If you are genuinely interested," Gottesman continues, "make the first date within that week, and… the second date as soon as possible after that."
    • Gottesman stresses that "it's important for one, if not both people, at the end of the date to say, 'this was really nice. I'd love to do it again. I'd love to see you again' and see how the other person responds."
    • She adds that "if you are interested, I think you definitely should call… because that's a better way to connect," when planning your next date.
  9. Every time you spend time with or talk to someone you're dating, be on the lookout for things that could spell trouble down the road. Gottesman emphasizes doing this out of respect for "the other person's time and actually just fairness to them. You don't really want to mislead them into thinking you're interested or open to them if you're really not."
    • For example, if someone tells you on the third date that they aren't interested in ever having children and you have your heart set on having at least three, this is a misalignment of values and it's time to cut things off.
    • This doesn't mean that you can't still be friends with the person—it just tells you that they aren't aligned with what you're looking for. Gottesman advises you can "just say 'I'm sorry, I thought about it. And I just don't think we're a match.'" You don't have to go into detail.
    • The point is that you don't want to sacrifice any of your needs or core values to be with anyone. The "nice to haves" on your list? There's room for fudging, but always keep your own best interests at heart.
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Section 3 of 3:

Benefits of Dating with Intention

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  1. You've reflected on it and you know what you're looking for in a relationship. You know what your physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual needs are in a relationship and what sort of person is best suited to fulfill them. That kind of self-awareness allows you to truly be your authentic self. [8]
    • Because you're honest and up-front with all of your dates, you also pass that awareness onto them. That kind of transparency helps both of you feel more secure.
  2. When you're dating with intention, you don't have to go through a million nerve-wracking bad dates that sap your energy and eat away at your time. When you have a strong vetting process, you're lowering your risk every time you go out and making it easier to have fun and be yourself. [9]
  3. When you date intentionally, you're telling the people that you're dating that you're with them because you're interested in who they are as a person. You want to get to know them and believe that the two of you are interested in the same things romantically. [10]
    • Because you're dating intentionally, people don't have to worry that you're leading them on or playing games.
    • And if they see that you're being upfront, they'll be more likely to be upfront too instead of trying to play you.
  4. Going out with a different person every night of the week just because they swiped right on a dating app is hardly the best way to find a partner. Assuming you spent 2 hours on each date, that's 14 hours a week—that's a part-time job! But by dating intentionally, you save your time and only date people with whom you share core values and life goals. [11]
    • Focusing on one person at a time also allows you to get to know them more quickly than you would if you were trying to juggle them along with several others.
    • Since you're focused on getting to know each other, you might be able to tell if something is going to work out within a week—as opposed to spending months dating someone casually before you actually have a serious conversation.
  5. Because you've gone to the effort to find someone who shares your core values and life goals, you don't have to worry about those things. The other parts of the relationship will fall into place a lot easier because the two of you have such a solid foundation. [12]
    • Sharing core values means that you have a similar outlook on life, so when things come up in the future you're more likely to see eye to eye.
    • This doesn't mean that you'll never disagree, but your strong foundation will make it easier for the two of you to find common ground.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sexual-futurist/202006/loves-due-diligence
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sexual-futurist/202006/loves-due-diligence
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sexual-futurist/202006/loves-due-diligence
      4. ↑ https://www.tiktok.com/discover/rule-of-333-dating?lang=en
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201902/intentional-intimacy
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202002/is-the-person-youre-dating-playing-head-games-are-you
      7. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/what-it-was-like-to-start-dating-again-after-my-unhealthy-relationship/
      8. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886915004730
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/from-fear-to-intimacy/202301/a-shrinks-take-on-dating
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sexual-futurist/202006/loves-due-diligence
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sexual-futurist/202006/loves-due-diligence
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/sexual-futurist/202006/loves-due-diligence

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