How to Deal With Conflict

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Have you ever been in a conflict or been angry at someone and not known how to solve it? Healthy and creative conflict resolution is an essential skill that many adults don't know how to master. Whether it's defusing potentially damaging fights with a spouse or tackling tough problems in the workplace or at school, a couple of key pointers will go a long way in equipping you with the right tools to resolve conflicts.

Question 1 of 7:

How do you handle conflict at work?

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  1. While it might be tempting to avoid conflict, it's best to face it head-on. Ask the other person to have a conversation with you, and pick a time and place that works for both of you. Try meeting in a neutral area like a conference room or a common area. [1]
    • Use a calm tone of voice and stay professional throughout the conversation. Try saying something like, "I'd really like for us to work together to solve this issue."
  2. Come ready to be open-minded and objective. Listen to the other person's complaints, focus on the truly important underlying message, and try to address it. You can show that you're listening by using your body language. Try: [2]
    • Nodding your head when they make a point
    • Using facial expressions to demonstrate interest
    • Maintaining eye contact
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Question 2 of 7:

How do you manage employee conflict in the workplace?

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  1. Set aside any preconceived notions you have about the employees that are involved in the conflict. This is really tough to do sometimes, but it's an important part of being a manager. Focus on the conflict at hand rather than your personal opinions about the people involved. [3]
    • For example, if some of your employees are arguing about prime office space don't worry about whether or not you simply like one better than the other.
  2. Understand that some people simply aren't going to get along. Don't go out of your way to try to make them be best friends. Instead, encourage them to be professional with one another and leave it at that. [4]
    • If problems persist, ask HR to help you moderate the conflict. They are trained in conflict resolution.
    • If you are an HR manager who is having trouble managing a conflict, the best thing to do is to rely on your company's guidelines. Following protocol can help you know what to do. If that method isn't working for you, reach out to a trusted colleague or supervisor for help. Talk to them about the problem you are having and ask for guidance.
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Question 3 of 7:

How do you stay calm during a conflict?

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  1. Being prepared for intense feelings will allow you to sidestep some of them: Instead of being taken by surprise, you anticipate that you might have them. Emotions are sometimes easier to handle if they don't take you completely by surprise. [5]
    • If you're feeling overwhelmed by emotions—especially if you're angry or anxious—wait until you're feeling calm again before you try to talk about it. [6]
    • While it's tough to cool down in the heat of the moment, it can be helpful to tell yourself something like, '"Okay, I know that arguing with Roberto usually gets my blood boiling, so I'm going to try to stay calm. I won't let my emotions dictate the tenor of the conversion. Count to three before responding to any of his statements, especially if I perceive them as accusations."'
  2. Some (small) conflicts fizzle out and die if ignored for long enough; but most bigger conflicts, ironically, get worse if categorically ignored. Even though dealing with conflict is stressful, it will get worse if you put it off. Commit to handling it as soon as you're able. [7]
    • Approach the situation head-on from the beginning. If the other person or persons suggests a heart-to-heart, accept. If the other person seems standoffish, reach out to them.
  3. Try to manage your stress during the conflict itself. It's normal to feel some anxiety or even anger when dealing with a conflict. This is definitely stressful. But while stress sometimes serves a very good purpose, it's not very productive in an argument. It can produce argumentative, aggressive behavior, momentarily subdue rational thought, and cause defensive reactions. By managing your stress you can hopefully mitigate those other reactions.
    • Take deep breaths to keep yourself calm. Breathe slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth.
    • You could also have a tough conversation in a space where you feel comfortable. If you need to talk to a friend, try a coffee shop that you like. Maybe you could have a tricky work discussion in the breakroom so that you'll be on neutral ground. Choose a location that feels good to you.
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Question 4 of 7:

What sort of body language should I use during a stressful conversation?

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  1. Most conflicts are mediated through language, but that doesn't mean that the only thing you need to pay attention to is the phrasing of your words — which are, by the way, important. Maintain a friendly posture when you're having a discussion.
    • Don't slouch, sit with your arms crossed, or face the other way. Don't fidget with something like you're bored. Sit or stand with your shoulders back, your arms at your sides, and facing the subject at all times.
  2. Show them that you're interested in what they're saying by being alert and showing concern in your face. Don't stare at them aggressively, though. It's okay to blink normally and even glance away occasionally. The point is just to let them know that you are paying attention to what they are saying. [8]
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Question 5 of 7:

What skills do I need to resolve a conflict?

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  1. Over-generalizations can be harmful because they can put the other person on the defensive. Try to be really specific when you talk about what's bothering you. That will make it easier to find a solution. [9]
    • Instead of saying "You always cut me off and never let me finish my sentence," try going with the more diplomatic "Please don't interrupt me; I let you finish talking and I'd appreciate the same courtesy."
  2. This accomplishes two things. First, it makes the problem less about them and more about you, which is less likely to put them on the defensive. Second, it helps explain the situation better, letting the other person understand where you're coming from. [10]
    • An example of a good "I" statement might look like this: "I feel put down when you ask me to clean up the dishes like that because I've spent the better half of the day preparing a nice meal for us and I'd appreciate some acknowledgment from you."
  3. When you're trying to solve an issue, you might be really invested in being right. That's normal, especially if you are in the right. But if you really want to work things out, coming to a resolution should be your top goal, even if you have to swallow your pride. [11]
    • You might have to compromise, but that can be a good thing.
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Question 6 of 7:

How do you deal with conflict in your relationship?

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  1. If you react this way, it's much more likely that your partner will stay level-headed, too. Take a deep breath if you need to, but try to keep your tone of voice steady and avoid saying hurtful things. This is especially hard when you're dealing with someone you love, but it's really helpful [12]
    • For example, avoid something like, "I hate when you're like this! I don't even want to deal with you!" Instead, try "I feel like we're having trouble communicating. Can we start this conversation again? I'll be calmer."
  2. Even if you feel like you understand what the person is saying and where they're coming from, let them say it themselves. It's important, both for catharsis and communication, that they feel that they are equally important in this conversation. [13]
    • Instead of assuming your partner is always late coming home because they don't care about you, try saying, "Is everything okay at work? I've noticed you're getting home really late."
  3. When you're having a tough time dealing with someone, it's easy to blame them for all of the trouble. Even if it is their fault, try to look at things from their point of view. They probably see it differently, so take accountability for your part in the conflict. [14]
    • Maybe you and your partner are arguing about who does the most work around the house. Even if you feel like you do the majority of it, suggest setting up a chore calendar or finding another way to divvy up duties.
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Question 7 of 7:

How do you reduce tension during a conflict?

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  1. Throw away the idea that you're going to get completely what you want without having to sacrifice anything. That's probably not going to happen. You're going to have to compromise, and you want to show compromise because you care about the other person, not because you know it's something you're being forced to do. The one gesture comes from a good place, the other from a not-so-good place. A couple things to keep in mind when you compromise: [15]
    • Under-promise, over-deliver. This is the manager's mantra, but it may as well be yours. Don't promise the other person the world just because you're sick of the conflict and want it resolved quickly. Promise the other person slightly less than what you think you can deliver — be realistic about it — and then wow them by exceeding their expectations.
    • Don't punish them after you compromise. Don't purposefully do a bad job at whatever you said you'd do because you don't really believe in the compromise. This will only prolong the conflict.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1197 wikiHow readers how they would handle conflicts in their relationships, and 54% said they would work through it until they found a resolution. [Take Poll]
  2. After emotions run high and all the logical arguments have blunted your ability to think clearly, a little bit of humor can really ease tensions between two people. Try a mildly self-deprecating joke to show the other person you're not so high and mighty. And remember to laugh with the other person, not at them, for best results. [16]
  3. A lot of couples, for example, give themselves a 20-minute cooling-off period in which they let their emotions and stress calm down before tackling an issue. This makes communication easier for a lot of people. Sometimes, all it takes is a little self-imposed perspective on the situation to see the forest from the trees.
    • Ask yourself — how important is this thing we're arguing about? In the grand scheme, is this going to make or break my relationship with this person, or is it something I can let slide?
    • Ask yourself — is there anything you can do about the situation? Sometimes, we get mad about problems over which other people have no control.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do I stop being scared of conflict?
    Devin Jones
    Career Coach
    Devin Jones is the creator of “The Soul Career," an online career incubator for women. She is certified in the CliftonStrengths assessment and works with women to clarify their purpose and create meaningful careers. Devin received her BA from Stanford University in 2013.
    Devin Jones
    Career Coach
    Expert Answer
    Consider talking to a therapist to help you cope with conflict. Therapy can help you better understand what motivates you and help you identify your own blind spots. If you don't want to talk to a therapist, mindfulness and journaling is also a great way to be reflective and get to know yourself better.
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      • You can try a variety of these strategies to find what works for you. Not every conflict is the same, so you might not want to handle them all the same, either.
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      • If you're having a serious conflict at work, it might be a good idea to reach out to your manager or HR.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://blink.ucsd.edu/HR/supervising/conflict/handle.html#2.-Focus-on-behavior-and-events
      2. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/303617
      3. ↑ https://www.northeastern.edu/graduate/blog/how-to-resolve-employee-manager-conflict/
      4. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/glennllopis/2014/11/28/4-ways-leaders-effectively-manage-employee-conflict/?sh=2f61b3795e15
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
      6. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/eye_contact_an_introduction_to_its_role_in_communication
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-the-rage/201908/what-is-overgeneralizing
      1. ↑ https://ctb.ku.edu/en/table-of-contents/implement/provide-information-enhance-skills/conflict-resolution/main
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
      3. ↑ https://ctb.ku.edu/en/table-of-contents/implement/provide-information-enhance-skills/conflict-resolution/main
      4. ↑ https://www.psychreg.org/overgeneralising/
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-adaptive-mind/201811/want-to-resolve-conflicts-stop-blaming-others
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you find yourself in a conflict with someone, use "I" statements instead of “You” statements so you don’t sound like you’re accusing them. For example, say something like, “I feel upset when you don’t listen to my point of view,” instead of "You never listen to my point of view." Try to work towards solutions to the conflict rather than blaming the other person for their actions, which will help you both stay calm and objective. You can also make a casual joke about yourself to ease the tension. However, if you find yourself getting too emotional, take a break from the conversation and come back later when you’re calmer. For more tips, including how to monitor your own body language to defuse conflict, read on!

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