How to Deal With Having a Gay Parent

Maybe you just found out that your parent is gay and you don’t know how to deal with it. Or maybe you’ve known for a long time but are having mixed emotions. Even though the world is more accepting than it once was, prejudice against gay people still exists. You might feel worried about what other people think or unsure of how to handle having a mom or dad who is in a minority group. Learn how to deal with having a gay parent so you can grow stronger as a person and as a family.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Dealing With Your Emotions

  1. When you first learn that your parent is LGBTQ, you might experience shock or denial. Denial is being unable to accept what you just learned or blocking the information from your mind like it never happened. You’re learning something new about a person who is very close to you. The family you thought you had is changing. Change is scary at first. Eventually, you’ll be able to accept that your parent is LGBTQ, but it doesn’t happen right away, it takes time. [1]
    • Mourn what you lost. Maybe your parents are breaking up because your dad came out, or maybe your mom is starting to bring her new partner around. A normal first reaction is to miss how your family used to be. It’s OK to be sad over how things have changed. By letting yourself mourn what you’ve lost, it’s easier for you to move on and learn to accept the changes.
  2. Keep a journal . You might feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster. You go from crying to anger to feeling fine. These are normal reactions to adapting to a life change. You have a lot to wrap your mind around. Bottling up or ignoring your emotions keeps you stuck in a negative place. It will take you longer to accept having an LGBTQ parent. Expressing your emotions helps move you forward. You’ll feel better after you write or type your thoughts and feelings.
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  3. Coming out, or revealing that you’re gay, is hard no matter how old you are. Recognize that there’s no perfect way for someone to come out as LGBTQ. Your parent doesn’t want to hurt you and is probably nervous about your reaction. Remember that your parent is still the same person you knew before. [2]
  4. For them, it’s natural. Our culture sees being straight as normal. TV, movies, books and schools tend to focus on straight, heterosexual relationships. Because of the stigma and prejudice that still exists in our culture, some people hide that they are gay for a long time, even to themselves. Sometimes it isn’t until later in life that a person accepts they're gay.
    • Your parent's sexual orientation has nothing to do with your own sexual orientation. Having an LGBTQ parent doesn't mean you are gay, just as having straight parents doesn't mean you are straight. People are either born gay or not. You can’t choose to be LGBTQ, nor can you choose to be straight. [3]
    • Avoid stereotypes. A stereotype is lumping a group of people into one category. For example, the idea that all gay men are effeminate or all lesbian women act masculine are stereotypes. Realize that being LGBTQ is just one small aspect of a person. Your parent is an awesome individual. [4]
  5. You’ll feel better if you share your feelings with a trusted friend or family member. Make sure it’s someone who is open-minded and non-judgmental. Remember that there is ignorance and stigma in our culture against gay people. You don’t need to listen to people who say cruel or unhelpful things.
  6. A good counselor will never judge or criticize you or your parent. You’ll be able to freely talk about all of your thoughts and emotions. Counseling is a safe place for you to process everything.
  7. Try to be as open as possible about your concerns or fears. You might start off by simply saying, “I don’t know what to think of this.” Or you might say, “I’m scared you’ll get hurt or people will be mean to you.” The more you communicate with each other, the better you’ll feel. [5]
    • Talk to your parent about her plans for coming out. Maybe you’re one of the few people who know that your parent is LGBTQ, or maybe no one knows at school or work while family and friends do. Make sure you’re on the same page about who knows what and when.
  8. Whether you were adopted by gay parents when you were a baby or you’ve known for a long time that your parent is LGBTQ, you might be surprised to find yourself feeling angry or fearful at times. You’ve always been OK with things, so what’s changed? As you mature and reach different stages of life, your feelings about having a gay parent might change. [6]
    • For example, maybe when you were younger, you never thought much about having a gay parent but once you get older, you start to resent having a mom or dad who is not like your friends’ parents.
    • Express your feelings. Don’t ignore them. Talk to your parent or someone you trust. Recognize that changes in your feelings are normal. Deal with them so you can learn and move on.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Dealing With the World

  1. There’s no one right way to tell your friends that your parent is LGBTQ. Trust your instinct about who to tell and when. Maybe you feel comfortable opening up to just one person or maybe you don’t want to say anything just yet. Because of the prejudice in the world, it’s OK to be cautious.
    • Use your judgment. For example, you were surrounded by supportive friends when you were younger, so having an LGBTQ parent was no big deal. Then once you go to high school, some new friends make ignorant remarks about LGBTQ individuals, so you choose to not open up to them.
    • True friends won’t judge you or your parent. If your friend is open and supportive in general, it’s a good bet that he'll be supportive when you tell him your mom or dad is gay. It might help to practice how you’d tell your friend. For example, you might say, “You’re a great friend and I think I can trust you. I want you to know that my mom is lesbian and Jen is her partner, not just her friend. I’m careful with who I tell because people can be jerks about it. But I wanted you to know.”
  2. Unfortunately, some people can be cruel. You deserve to be treated with respect at school. Getting ridiculed or made fun of for having a gay parent is wrong. The school needs to take steps to make it a safe place for you and other kids. Tell a teacher, guidance counselor or your parents if you’re getting harassed. [7]
    • Ask your school to create a tolerance program. Prejudice usually stems from not understanding someone who is different from the norm. People usually fear what they don’t know. If students learn that being LGBTQ is nothing to fear, they usually become more accepting. It helps when schools teach about differences, whether it’s differences in (sexual) orientation, race, or physical ability.
  3. People make assumptions based on what they think is “normal.” You don’t have to open up every person who questions your family structure. For example, a neighbor might ask you why your dad isn’t around. You could simply say, “You need to talk to my parents about that.” [8]
    • Coming out as LGBTQ can happen over and over again. For example, maybe your family is going on vacation. When you check into your hotel, the concierge asks if your mom’s partner needs a separate room. Your mom and her partner explain that they’re sharing a room since they’re a couple. There will always be situations in life where people make assumptions about your parents’ relationship. It’s up to you and your parents as to how to tell people.
  4. Some religions say being LGBTQ is wrong or a sin. It’s hard to belong to a faith community that considers how your family lives to be “bad.” Get connected with religious and faith communities where everyone is welcomed, regardless of their orientation. [9]
    • You can contact LGBTQ-friendly organizations to find inclusive Christian and Jewish faith communities local to you. [10]
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Getting Involved

  1. Organizations such as Colage and PFLAG can help you find peers who are in the same situation as you. You can get advice such as how to tell people you have a gay parent or how to deal with prejudice and negativity. You’ll get much needed support, especially if you haven’t told many people about your parent. Or maybe you can help someone else who is struggling. [11]
    • Connect online or in your community. If there’s a local chapter, you can connect in-person with people. It’s a great way to make new friends without the worry of when to tell them about your parent. Online communities are an easy way to get support from anywhere and at any time.
  2. By simply putting a rainbow sticker on your notebook or desk, you’re showing you’re an ally of LGBTQ people. The rainbow is a symbol of pride. It’s a sign to others that you’re a safe person to talk to about issues impacting gay people. [12]
    • Prepare to answer questions. Some people don’t know what the rainbow symbol means. Most people are curious and open to learning more. Get ready for questions about why you support LGBTQ folks. You’re also opening yourself up for questions about your parents or family.
  3. By understanding the issues that people who are LGBTQ face, you can become an ally. Many policies at school and work negatively impact people who are LGBTQ. They face issues such as discrimination and hate crimes. You can get involved by raising awareness in your community.
  4. Contact organizations such as PFLAG and GLAAD . Learn about the current legal and cultural issues impacting the gay community. You can also find out about local community events. Change starts with one person at a time. When you get involved, you help make a better and safer world for yourself and your family. [13]
  5. You’ve had time to get used to the idea of your parent being LGBTQ. There’s no more hiding in your family. You can be open and honest with each other. You start to feel relief and pride. It takes courage for your parent to be who he truly is and for you to accept them. Recognize and celebrate your strength. [14]
    • You’re a courageous and compassionate person. It’s not easy when your family is different from what our culture considers 'normal'. When you face challenges, you learn from them. You know what it’s like to get through a difficult time. It’s easier for you to lend a hand because you can relate to other people’s struggles.
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      • Spending time with, or talking to a trusted family friend or relative can really help you with your feelings of confusion and embarrassment. When you feel you have a more objective adult to discuss your feelings with, it can relieve some of the pressure you feel and give you a venting outlet — which you will need.
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      References

      1. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/denial/art-20047926
      2. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1
      3. ↑ http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2015/08/04/more-evidence-that-kids-of-gay-parents-do-just-fine
      4. ↑ https://sites.psu.edu/thenotsocommonplaceplace/2014/03/20/can-we-prevent-stereotypes/
      5. ↑ http://www.colage.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/When-your-parents-come-out-guide1.pdf
      6. ↑ https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/types-of-families/Pages/Gay-and-Lesbian-Parents.aspx
      7. ↑ http://www.tolerance.org/lgbt-best-practices
      8. ↑ http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2015/08/04/more-evidence-that-kids-of-gay-parents-do-just-fine
      9. ↑ http://www.glaad.org/blog/faith-communities-develop-more-lgbt-inclusive-liturgical-rites
      1. ↑ http://www.welcomingresources.org/directory.htm
      2. ↑ http://www.colage.org/
      3. ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/06/29/how-the-rainbow-became-the-symbol-of-gay-pride/
      4. ↑ http://www.glaad.org/about
      5. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/01/20/4-strategies-to-help-you-to-bounce-back-from-adversity/

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