How to Deal with Condescending Coworkers

Condescending coworkers can leave you feeling devalued, dismissed, and completely annoyed. Not to mention, dealing with condescending people at work can sap your energy and make you less productive! Fortunately, you have the power to change your workplace dynamics and get your colleague to stop their passive-aggressive behavior. Read on to learn the most diplomatic, effective, and professional approach to dealing with your condescending coworker.

Method 1
Method 1 of 12:

Stay calm in the moment.

  1. By ignoring your coworker’s bad behavior, you won’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they upset you. [1] We know it’s definitely not easy to brush off critical comments, over-explanations, interruptions, or patronizing language. But keeping a cool head will help you deal with your condescending coworker in a professional, rational way. [2] Here's what you can say to dismiss condescending behavior:
    • “Thanks so much. I’ll keep that in mind!”
    • “Sounds like we’re on the same page. Could we move on?”
    • “I get what you’re saying. Let's keep going."
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Method 2
Method 2 of 12:

Maintain neutral body language.

  1. [3] To keep your conversation civil, aim for a positive, kind tone. Make eye contact to project confidence. Sit or stand with your shoulders and arms relaxed to take the tension out of the conversation. [4]
    • Avoid hostile body language, like crossing your arms, pointing your fingers, or moving into your coworker’s personal space.
Method 3
Method 3 of 12:

Try not to take the condescension personally.

  1. Take a deep breath and recognize that what this person says or thinks doesn’t reflect your job performance or capabilities. [5] It’s actually a reflection on their character and how they feel about themselves.
    • Try to set any assumptions aside. Your coworker might not have ill intentions. In fact, they might not realize they’re being condescending!
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Method 4
Method 4 of 12:

Look for elements of truth in what they say.

  1. [6] Your coworker’s condescending remark or behavior could have a tiny kernel of truth or logical rationale behind it—even if their tone and delivery was inappropriate. For instance, if they over-explained a term to you, it might be because you’re newer to a project, not because they doubt your abilities. If you’re struggling to find common ground with your coworker, try this out: [7]
    • Write down what your coworker said or did.
    • Write down everything you feel that was wrong about what they said.
    • Write down anything that could be true about what they said.
Method 5
Method 5 of 12:

Weigh the pros and cons of confrontation.

  1. Ask yourself, “Is it worth my time and energy to talk to this person?” Remember, accepting critical feedback is tough, and your coworker might get upset or have feedback to give you in response. Here are a few things to consider before you talk to them: [8]
    • How likely are they to change? If they’ve responded to feedback poorly in the past, it might not be worth trying to get them to change now.
    • Do they treat everyone like this? If so, their condescending behavior might be part of their communication style and personality.
    • Is this behavior common in your company? If the culture of your company feels patronizing, your coworker’s behavior is just a symptom of a larger issue.
    • Am I willing to accept feedback and change my own behavior? This conversation will be a two-way street. If you can go into it with an open mind, that’s a great sign.
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Method 6
Method 6 of 12:

Ask to speak with your coworker in private.

  1. That way, no one’s pride will get in the way of true conflict resolution. Pick a place to meet where you’ll both feel comfortable and where you won’t be overheard or interrupted. Show that you’re willing to work together by asking your coworker name a time that would be convenient for them. [9]
    • Say something like, “I’d like to talk to you about team dynamics. When would be a good time for us to chat?”
    • Consider meeting someplace “neutral,” like a local coffee shop, a bench outside your workplace, or an unoccupied conference room.
    • If your coworker has crossed the line from condescension into bullying, harassment or discrimination, go to your supervisor or HR representative rather than talking 1-1. [10]
Method 7
Method 7 of 12:

Explain what you observed.

  1. By starting with a particular behavior and sticking to the facts, you avoid making your coworker feel like you’re targeting their personality . [11] It might be super tempting to start naming a whole list of complaints you have with this coworker. Still, you’re more likely to get your message across if you just bring up 1 issue at a time. [12]
    • “This morning, I noticed you spent a lot of time walking me through our marketing strategy.”
    • “I’ve noticed you’ve been calling me ‘sweetie’ lately. I heard you use that nickname during our meeting with sponsors this afternoon.”
    • “Earlier, I noticed that you talked over me during lunch with our manager.”
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Method 8
Method 8 of 12:

  1. “I” statements let you communicate how you feel about the situation without placing blame or accusations on your coworker. [13] It might feel uncomfortable to talk about why you’re upset, but it’s important for your coworker to understand that their actions impact you!
    • “I felt frustrated by your explanation, because I went through the same training as everyone else here, so I feel pretty familiar with the guidelines.”
    • “I feel disrespected when you use juvenile nicknames for me, especially in front of customers.”
    • “I feel devalued when you talk over me, because it makes me feel like this company doesn’t value my input.”
Method 9
Method 9 of 12:

Ask your coworker to clarify what they meant.

  1. In a best-case scenario, you might realize what you perceived as condescension was just a miscommunication. After all, everyone has a different communication style. Your coworker might come from a background where their tone of voice is considered perfectly acceptable. [14]
    • “I understand our marketing strategy for this quarter. Could you explain why you walked me through it again? Is there something I’m missing?”
    • “Could you help me understand where that nickname comes from?”
    • “To make sure we’re on the same page, I’d love to hear your perspective on what happened at lunch.”
    EXPERT TIP

    Jeffrey Fermin

    Employee Relations Expert
    Jeffrey Fermin is an Employee Relations Expert based in Miami, Florida. He currently works as Head of Demand Generation for AllVoices, a platform that manages employee relations issues. Through his work, he has developed extensive experience with understanding human behavior and the intricacies of work life. He’s also the Founder of a full-service marketing company called New Theory. He has more than 13 years of experience in B2B SaaS marketing, and has specifically focused on human resources technology, digital marketing, and content creation. He earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and a Bachelor of Education from Florida International University. Jeffrey has won a Microsoft Octas Innovation Award and is a TechCrunch Disrupt Runner-Up.
    Jeffrey Fermin
    Employee Relations Expert

    Seek growth over victory when having discussions. Embrace disagreements as learning opportunities, not battles. Actively listen to diverse perspectives and strive for common ground over "winning". Prioritizing collaboration and shared learning whenever possible will be make for a more satisfying experience.

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Method 10
Method 10 of 12:

Work together to come up with a solution.

  1. Be clear and direct about what you’d like to change. Suggest a few ways you two could team up to reach that ideal goal or scenario. [15] Then, close out your request by asking for help or understanding. Focus on improving your working relationship, rather than “winning” the conflict. [16]
    • “Moving forward, I’ll make sure to ask questions when I don’t understand something, so you don’t have to automatically explain terms. How does that sound to you?”
    • “Rather than calling me by a nickname, I’d like you to call me by my real name. Can you understand where I’m coming from?”
    • “I’d like to feel like I have a voice on this team. How can we work together so that you and I both get to talk during meetings?”
Method 11
Method 11 of 12:

Remind yourself that you’re valuable.

  1. To reconnect with yourself and your value, spend time around the coworkers who lift you up. You can even give yourself an encouraging pep talk by repeating a mantra like, “I’m smart and I deserve to be here.” [17]
    • Give yourself credit for your accomplishments. Save the positive email from your boss or write down the kind comment from a happy customer. [18]
    • Try not to compare yourself and your job performance to your coworkers’.
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Method 12
Method 12 of 12:

Talk to your manager or HR representative.

  1. Negativity and conflict in the workplace can take a serious toll on your ability to work and your mental health. A condescending coworker should absolutely be your manager’s concern! That person is probably undermining team morale on a larger level and creating unnecessary drama. [19] [20]
    • Set aside a time to talk in private: “I’d really appreciate your input on something. Do you have 20 minutes to talk this week?” [21]
    • Bring up your issue concisely, without putting down your coworker: “I’ve been struggling a bit while working with Mark. I’ve noticed he tends to interrupt me and roll his eyes at my ideas.”
    • Ask for your supervisor’s help or advice: “How would you approach this situation?” or “Do you have any advice on how he and I can work together more effectively?”

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      References

      1. ↑ Jeffrey Fermin. Employee Relations Expert. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://www.hrmonline.com.au/section/featured/dont-patronise-me
      3. ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/05/which-behaviors-do-leaders-mos
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/346238
      6. ↑ https://hr.berkeley.edu/hr-network/central-guide-managing-hr/managing-hr/interaction/conflict/resolving
      7. ↑ https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/287229
      8. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/do-you-work-with-a-jerk-here-are-6-things-you-can-do/
      9. ↑ https://blink.ucsd.edu/HR/supervising/conflict/handle.html
      1. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/do-you-work-with-a-jerk-here-are-6-things-you-can-do/
      2. ↑ https://www.winona.edu/resilience/Media/Conflict-Resolution-Worksheet.pdf
      3. ↑ https://blink.ucsd.edu/HR/supervising/conflict/handle.html
      4. ↑ https://www.winona.edu/resilience/Media/Conflict-Resolution-Worksheet.pdf
      5. ↑ Jeffrey Fermin. Employee Relations Expert. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Jeffrey Fermin. Employee Relations Expert. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://www.winona.edu/resilience/Media/Conflict-Resolution-Worksheet.pdf
      8. ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/2017/10/24/5-mental-strategies-for-dealing-with-a-toxic-coworker.html
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/a-psychologist-explains-how-to-deal-with-imposter-syndrome/
      10. ↑ Jeffrey Fermin. Employee Relations Expert. Expert Interview
      11. ↑ https://hbr.org/2018/04/4-ways-to-deal-with-a-toxic-coworker
      12. ↑ https://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2014/03/05/how-to-complain-about-a-co-worker

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