This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden
. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
This article has been viewed 36,304 times.
Going through a breakup is tough, but it can be even harder when your ex keeps sending you mixed signals. While you can’t control what your ex does, you can control how you react (or don’t react) to them. Keep reading to learn how you can deal with these mixed signals and move on for good.
Steps
-
Talk with your ex about what’s okay and what’s not. [1] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 27 October 2021. If you had a rough breakup, you might want to go no contact for a while or even unfollow each other on social media. If you plan on staying friends with your ex, hanging out in a group or texting every once in a while might be okay, but not every day. [2] X Research source- Say something like, “Hey, I think we need to talk about what we’re doing here. I’m fine with staying friends, but I don’t want to hang out one on one anymore. If we see each other when we’re out and about, that’s okay.”
- This is especially important if you want to get back together with your ex but they don’t want to.
-
You might need to do this if your ex still talks to you like you’re dating. Confirm with them that you aren’t anymore and they know that you two are broken up. If they agree that you two are completely broken up, tell them they need to start living like they’re single now. [3] X Research source
- It can be hard for some people to adjust to the single life, especially if you two were together for a while. Try not to do things for your ex that you did while you were dating—that will only make things more confusing.
- If you want to get back together with your ex, it might be worth sitting down and having a talk with them. If they’re sending mixed signals, it might mean they regret breaking up, too.
-
It’s easy for your ex to say they miss you or want to be with you. However, if they never follow up on that, it’s probably not legit. Take anything your ex says to you with a grain of salt, and only believe them if they follow through with their actions. [4] X Research source
- For instance, your ex might say they’re working on themselves so you two can get back together. However, what does that actually look like? If they aren’t going to therapy or actively working on their issues, they aren’t serious.
- If your ex says all the right things but doesn’t act upon them, it probably means they don’t actually want to get back together with you.
-
Liking your pic on social media doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Although it can be weird if your ex pops up in your notifications, simply double tapping a photo isn’t a clear signal that they want to get back together. Treat it like a meaningless action, and you’ll be much less torn up about it. [5] X Research source
- People will sometimes give out little crumbs of attention just to get you thinking about them again. Usually, that’s how you can interpret an ex liking your pics or sliding into your DMs.
-
They might not even know they’re sending mixed signals. If your ex still cares about you as a person, they’ll either leave you alone or try to get back together. Simply let them know that you’re feeling confused and that you want the mixed signals to stop. [6] X Research source
- Say something like, “I’m not sure if you know you’re doing this, but it’s really confusing hearing from you one week and not hearing from you the next. Let’s talk about what we’re doing here.”
- If you want to get back together with your ex, now is a good time to bring up your feelings. If you don’t, just reiterate that you’re both single now.
- Reader Poll: We asked 592 wikiHow readers to tell us the best way to set boundaries with an ex, and 66% said that honest, open communication are key. [Take Poll]
- So when you're feeling confused by your relationship with your ex, you should be direct about your feelings to gain clarity and set healthy boundaries.
-
Don’t rely on your ex for anything. Try not to ask them for help, whether that be physical, emotional, or financial. Although it might take a while to untangle your lives together, remember that you’re a strong, independent person who can take care of themselves. [7] X Research source
- Not depending on your ex can help stop mixed signals in their tracks.
- If you want to get back together with your ex, becoming independent might just show them what they’re missing.
-
That will send some mixed signals of your own. If you’re truly done with the relationship, don’t text, call, or message your ex at all. [8] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 27 October 2021. Focus on moving on and living your own life—hopefully, your ex will do the same. [9] X Research source- This is especially important if you feel like you’re doing most of the work by reaching out or making plans.
- Although it sounds counterintuitive, it’s important not to reach out, even if you want to get back with your ex. If you bombard them with texts or calls, it could push them further away.
-
Treat your ex like what they are: an ex. If you hold onto the hope that you might get back together one day, things are going to get a little fuzzy. Remind yourself that you two broke up for a reason, and that your decision is final. [10] X Research source
- It’s normal to look back on a relationship with rose-tinted glasses after it ends. Try to think about the bad stuff, too.
-
It will send the message that you’re no longer interested in them. [11] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 27 October 2021. If they text you, don’t respond. If they reach out on social media, block their account. Your ex can send as many mixed signals as they want, but you aren’t obligated to respond to them. [12] X Research source- It’s usually easier to move on from your ex if you cut contact, at least for a little while. If you’re having trouble getting over them, try staying away from them for about a month and then see how you feel.
- Reader Poll: We asked 582 wikiHow readers who've had exes try to send them gifts after a breakup, and 66% of them agreed that the best way to handle the situation is by ignoring them. [Take Poll]
Expert Q&A
Tips
You Might Also Like
References
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/dealing-with-an-ex-tips
- ↑ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a29473354/mixed-signals-meaning/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-dating/202012/5-mixed-signals-are-in-fact-signals
- ↑ https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a29473354/mixed-signals-meaning/
- ↑ https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/dealing-with-an-ex-tips
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2019/04/narcissists-mixed-messages#4
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-dating/202012/5-mixed-signals-are-in-fact-signals
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-dating/202012/5-mixed-signals-are-in-fact-signals
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/dealing-with-an-ex-tips
About This Article
Medical Disclaimer
The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.