How to Cope with the Loss of Your Grandma & Honor Her Memory

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Advice to help you through the grief of losing your grandmother
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For many, losing a grandparent means losing a very special family member who has played a major role in their life. It can be very confusing and frightening to lose your grandmother, and we're here to help. We interviewed licensed clinical social worker Ken Breniman to help you learn how to cope, seek support, and move forward after the loss of your grandma, as well as ways to honor her memory and celebrate her life.

Coping with the Passing of Your Grandmother

The loss of a grandmother can be very painful, and it’s important to let yourself feel your emotions so you can begin to heal. Let yourself be sad, angry, or confused, and don’t be afraid to cry. Remember the fond memories you shared with your grandma, and reach out to loved ones for support during this difficult time.

Section 1 of 5:

How to Cope After the Death of a Grandmother

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    Don’t try to fight or hold in what you’re feeling. Try to open yourself up to the anger, sadness, confusion, or feelings of abandonment as they arise. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it’s okay to feel any or all of these emotions. As time passes, you’ll likely begin to heal and feel better. Just remember, grief isn’t linear, and there’s no time frame in which it ends, so it’s perfectly fine to experience these emotions for as long as it takes to heal. [1]
    • Regardless of age, some grandchildren may take a grandmother's death harder due to the duration and closeness of the relationship, the cause of death, or how other family members are reacting. Even if you experience your grief differently from the rest of your family, remember your feelings are still valid.
    • If you’re an adult, try to demonstrate authentic grief so any children or adolescents in the family know that it's okay to cry or be sad.
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    Funerals can be tough when you’re grieving, but they’re intended to celebrate the life of the deceased and bring comfort to the family. Attending the memorial service is a great opportunity to say goodbye to your grandmother, get closure, and offer support to other family members. If your family isn’t having a funeral or memorial, consider doing something special to honor her memory instead, like looking at old photographs or listening to her favorite music. [2]
    • If you’re a minor, it will depend on your age and be up to your parents to determine whether you’re allowed to attend the funeral or memorial service. If you have a desire to attend, express your opinion to your parents. They can explain what will happen at the service and determine if you will feel comfortable attending.
    • If you can’t attend the service for whatever reason, don’t feel guilty. Your grandmother knows you love her, and she would understand why you couldn’t be there.
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    Sometimes, it’s hard to accept that our loved ones are really gone, but doing so is an important step to healing and coping. For some, this may be something that happens naturally over time. Others may find it helpful to ask questions about their grandmother’s passing or about death in general. It may also help to take a moment and think about how your life will be different moving forward. [3]
    • If you’re an adult, it may be up to you to explain death to children so they can accept their grandmother’s passing. While older children (above the age of 9 or so) will likely understand the finality of death and that everyone dies, really young kids, around 5 or 6, often think in literal terms. It may be best to avoid saying something like “Grandma went to sleep,” as this could make them worry that the same thing will happen to them when they go to sleep. [4]
    • If you’re a parent, reassure kids that they were not responsible for their grandma’s passing, as some children fear a death happened because of something they did. For example, the child might think Grandma died because they didn’t visit her often enough.
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    Take some time to understand your thoughts about your grandmother’s death. Write them down in a journal if you feel like that helps. Recall the good memories you shared together and the impact she had on your life. Ask others to share stories about the long, full life she had. Hopefully, this will bring you comfort knowing that her time on earth was filled with family, love, and interesting experiences. [5]
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    When we’re mourning a loved one, it becomes easy to neglect ourselves. Try to get up and go outside to get some fresh air. Eat healthy, balanced meals , and aim to get some physical activity a few times each week. Self-care also means nurturing your body and spirit. Get a massage, take a relaxing bath with scented oils, meditate , write in your journal , or steal a few hours away to read a good book. [6]
    • If you’re a child, self-care might include playing with your favorite toys, spending time with your pet, or watching your favorite cartoons.
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    This is another great way to process your feelings about your grandmother’s death. Choose some of your favorite photos and mementos. Include anything that reminds you of her, like recipes, song lyrics, or short stories about her life. Place them inside the memory box or book, then decorate the outside to your liking. [7]
    • If you are a younger person who was not allowed to attend the memorial service, this can be a creative activity that brings you closure. Even if you did attend the memorial service, use this activity as a way to connect with your memories.
    • It may help to create your memory box with the help of other relatives. This way, you can lean on each other for support as you talk about your memories and feelings.
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Section 2 of 5:

Seeking Outside Support While Grieving

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    The grieving process is only intensified when you pull away and isolate yourself from others. Remind yourself of the people still here and that they, too, lost an important family member. Fight the desire to pull away or appear strong, and instead seek comfort from loved ones as you mourn together. [8]
    • Friends can also provide a good support system during this difficult time. Sometimes, though, it may be difficult for them to know what to say if they haven’t experienced a loss themselves. It can be frustrating, but remember they care about you and want to help you in whatever way they can.
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    If you have religious or spiritual beliefs, turn to verses or quotes that provide comfort and remind you that things will get better. Participate in religious or spiritual functions to find closure, connect with others, and provide you with hope for the future. [9]
    • Praying may be a source of comfort during this difficult time, or you could try talking to your grandmother if you believe she is still watching over you from the afterlife.
    • Research has shown that people with strong spiritual beliefs tend to resolve their grief sooner than those who do not because of the various religious and spiritual principles regarding human life and existence beyond. [10]
    • If you are a non-believer, secular rituals, like packing up your grandma’s things or regularly visiting her grave, could help you resolve your grief and find comfort. [11]
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    A bereavement support group can help you and other family members come to terms with your loss. In these groups, you’ll be able to listen to and share feelings and stories with others who are also grieving. These support groups also provide coping resources for overcoming grief for the next several weeks and months after the death of your loved one. [12]
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    If you find that you continue to heavily mourn your grandmother’s death and cannot function in your daily life, it may be time to seek professional help. Seeing a counselor or therapist is nothing to be ashamed of, and grief or bereavement counselors can effectively help you process the loss of your grandmother and learn how to cope. [14]
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Section 3 of 5:

Healing and Moving Forward After Loss

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    The best way to feel better after losing a loved one is to remember the good times you shared: the times you laughed, did silly things together, and other fond memories you have of your grandma. It may also be helpful to revisit your memory box or book as time passes so that you don’t forget all the great times you had with her. [16]
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    Concentrating on helping others can help you process and move through your own grief. Try to be there for your parents and siblings as you are all going through this loss. One of your parents lost their mom, which is a terrible loss to bear. Remind them that you love them and offer to do small things to bring them comfort, like making tea or lighting a fire in the fireplace. [17]
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    It can be gratifying to know that your grandmother lives on in your memories. Continue to celebrate her life by picking up an activity or hobby of hers and making it your own. Consider learning to sew if she was really good at it, or make some of her traditional family recipes when you cook or bake. [18]
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    You may feel guilty for having fun or laughing after your grandmother’s death. You might think it’s disrespectful to her memory to be happy, but that’s not true. Hopefully, your grandmother lived a nice, full life, and she would surely want the same for you. The grief process can feel very dark and bleak; don’t be afraid to let a little light shine in by having fun nights out with friends or playing board games with your family. [21]
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Section 4 of 5:

Ways to Honor Your Grandmother

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    There are all kinds of ways to create a memorial for your grandmother. Set up a shelf or table with her picture in your house, or light a candle in her honor. Keep a vase full of her favorite flowers or save an empty seat for her during family meals. If you have the funds, consider dedicating a park bench to her or even getting a memorial tattoo if you’re of age. [22]
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    Another great way to feel connected to your grandma is to visit her gravesite. Some people might think it’s best to avoid cemeteries, but they were actually designed so the living could spend time with deceased loved ones. Bring flowers, your favorite book, or plan a family picnic at the graveyard to feel close to your grandmother. If your grandmother doesn’t have a grave or you can’t visit, consider going somewhere that reminds you of her, like her favorite park or restaurant. [23]
    • If you choose to visit her grave, remember to be respectful to anyone else who might be visiting a loved one. Pick up any trash you may accumulate to keep the cemetery clean and beautiful.
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    If your grandma was passionate about a certain cause or charity, a great way to honor her memory is to make a donation in her name or to dedicate a few hours a week to volunteer work . Not only will this help you feel closer to your grandmother, but it will ensure the things she cared about continue to receive funding and support. [24]
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    If your grandmother left behind jewelry, ask if you can have a piece. Wearing one of her rings or necklaces can help remind you that she’s always with you. If you don’t have a piece that belonged to her, consider getting a locket with her picture inside or another piece of jewelry that reminds you of her in some way. [25]
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    If your grandmother passed unexpectedly, she may have left something unfinished, like making a quilt or creating a painting . If possible, try to finish the project yourself. Not only will this give you some closure, but it can help you feel more connected to your grandma because it will be like you worked on the project together. [26]
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    Every loss and every person is different, so no one grieves in the exact same way. You’ll likely remember your grandma for the rest of your life, and you may always feel a bit sad when you think of her. That’s perfectly normal. You may cry every day after her death, or you may not cry at all. There isn’t a “right” way to grieve, so be patient with yourself and allow yourself to get through the process naturally. [27]

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  • Question
    How do you honor a deceased grandparent?
    Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
    Grief Therapist
    Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA.
    Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
    Grief Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Consider keeping flowers or a candle in your home to honor your grandparent. Only burn the candle when you're able to watch it, however.
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  • Question
    What are some sources of support for dealing with the loss of a grandparent?
    Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
    Grief Therapist
    Ken Breniman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Yoga Therapist and Thanatologist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Ken has over 15 years experience of providing clinical support and community workshops utilizing a dynamic combination of traditional psychotherapy and yoga therapy. He specializes in eclectic non-denominational yoga guidance, grief therapy, complex trauma recovery and mindful mortal skills development. He has a MSW from Washington University in St. Louis and an MA Certification in Thanatology from Marian University of Fond du Lac. He became certified with the International Association of Yoga Therapists after completing his 500 training hours at Yoga Tree in San Francisco and Ananda Seva Mission in Santa Rosa, CA.
    Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT
    Grief Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Seek out a local support group, especially if your grandmother's death was fairly normal or natural. You can often find free resources through the group. However, you may want to work individually with a therapist if you're experiencing prolonged grief or acute distress, especially if there was an underlying trauma component to the death.
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      Tips

      • If you don't feel like you can handle work and/or school right away, stay home. You may need time to mourn and recover, and it's normal and even expected.
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      • Being sad, angry, and/or disappointed is an important part of the process of healing. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the result of a strong relationship.
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      • If you feel extreme sadness, anger, or anxiety, talk to someone you trust about your feelings. Just talking about your feelings can make you feel better, and a friend, relative, or mental health professional can help comfort you.
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      Warnings

      • If you’re an adult who needs to explain the death to a child, be careful about saying that someone died because they were old. The child may become fearful about losing other “old” people and may have distorted ideas of age.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
      2. ↑ https://childmind.org/article/should-children-attend-funerals/
      3. ↑ https://www.lipscomb.edu/news/psychology-students-learn-valuable-life-lessons-death-and-dying-class
      4. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html
      5. ↑ https://www.nextavenue.org/honor-loved-ones-memory/
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/treatment/if-you-have-an-advanced-cancer/end-of-life/making-a-memory-box
      8. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
      9. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/how-to-deal-with-grief
      1. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC116607/
      2. ↑ http://www.the-brights.net/action/activities/organized/arenas/2/parenting/DealingWithDeath.pdf
      3. ↑ https://www.weber.edu/CounselingCenter/grief.html
      4. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/5-stages-of-grief-coping-with-the-loss-of-a-loved-one
      6. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everyday-life-simplified/202109/the-process-coping-grief-and-loss
      8. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/families/grief
      9. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/families/grief
      10. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
      11. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.
      12. ↑ https://www.weber.edu/CounselingCenter/grief.html
      13. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/5-stages-of-grief-coping-with-the-loss-of-a-loved-one
      14. ↑ https://www.funeralbasics.org/4-ways-visiting-loved-ones-grave-can-help-you-grieve/
      15. ↑ https://www.weber.edu/CounselingCenter/grief.html
      16. ↑ https://www.heyalma.com/how-to-honor-the-dead/
      17. ↑ https://www.aarpethel.com/fulfillment/have-you-lost-a-loved-one-how-to-honor-their-legacy
      18. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
      19. ↑ Ken Breniman, LCSW, C-IAYT. Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Certified Yoga Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 April 2020.

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you’ve recently lost your grandmother, try to find comfort and support by spending time with your family so you don’t feel so alone in your sadness. However, if you need some time by yourself, that’s okay too, just let your family know you want some space for now. Just remember that no matter how you’re feeling, your feelings are important and are a part of how you’re coping with letting go of someone you loved. When you feel like talking about your loss, share memories about your grandmother with family and friends, like telling stories about the good times spent together, as this will remind you of all the things you learned from her. You might even like to honor what she taught you by taking up a hobby or activity of hers and doing it yourself. For more advice from our Counselor co-author, including how to take care of yourself, keep reading.

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