How to Encourage Someone to Reconsider Expressing Their Sexual Orientation

Here is what to do if you feel negatively about someone's sexual orientation.

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   Take time to think about your personal hangups . What feelings arise when you imagine LGBTQ people being open and happy? Take a look at what motivated you, and why you are against LGBTQ people. Here are some things that may be influencing you: ^[3]

   • Disgust: Perhaps imagining sexual activity between gay people grosses you out. Keep in mind that imagining sexual activity between straight people might gross gay people out—and yet they aren't trying to stop straight people from marrying or expressing themselves. Try not to obsess about other people's sex lives (or lack thereof). Focus on their lives as human beings with feelings.
   • Self-righteousness: Feeling like you're superior to LGBTQ people might give you a confidence boost. But this usually comes from a place of insecurity. Why do you feel the need to put them down to feel better about yourself? If LGBTQ people were treated as equals and allowed to love each other, what would happen? What are you afraid of?
   • Insecure masculinity: If you're a man and you don't feel secure in your masculinity, you may feel the urge to verbally or physically attack others. ^[4] But this won't solve your underlying problem. It's important to face your insecurity and find ways to practice positive masculinity.
   • Fear of sexual harassment: Nobody likes it when someone won't take "no" for an answer. But your average LGBTQ person will back off if you say "no thanks, I'm straight." Who wants to flirt with someone who can't like them back? If you have excessive worries about sexual harassment, it may help to talk to a therapist.
   • Fear of social repercussions: Maybe you are worried people will gossip and be judgmental. Social pressure can be stressful. But are you comfortable pushing someone into the closet, sacrificing their mental health and happiness, just to please judgmental people or make your own life easier?
   • Fear of thinking for yourself: It can be comforting to believe that some authority figure has all the answers already figured out for you. And it can be scary to confront the idea of making your own choices. It's not always easy to think independently or to put someone else's wellbeing over an ideology, especially if it means letting go of an ideology or community that you used to find comforting.
   • Learned behavior: Maybe you saw other people judging LGBTQ people and you copied them without taking time to think for yourself.
   • Something else: There may be other reasons you struggle to accept and be welcoming towards LGBTQ people.

   Ask yourself: Am I comfortable holding on to these beliefs if they hurt someone I love? Which is more important to me, these beliefs or my loved one? Choosing to act out of love and shift your mindset isn't always easy.
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   Learn and grow. Becoming a more loving and welcoming person is a journey. It takes strength and courage to expand your views and overcome your personal issues. Here are some things you can do to open your heart and mind.

   • Check out media that includes LGBTQ characters. This can be a way to learn more while also enjoying entertainment. (Watching LGBTQ-friendly media won't make you LGBTQ, just like how heterosexual media hasn't turned LGBTQ people straight.)
   • Visit blogs and social media accounts of LGBTQ people. What do they have to say? What are their lives like? Scroll through their content (without commenting) to learn more and help you empathize.
   • Consider counseling or therapy if you're struggling. Your insecurities and fears may be blocking your kindness towards other people. It's okay to ask for help facing them. A good counselor can help you get to the root of your issues and take steps to overcome them.
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   Avoid forcing your beliefs, religious and otherwise, onto your loved one. If you don't believe in gay marriage, for example, then you can follow that belief by not doing it yourself, but in countries with religious freedom, you can't prevent other people from doing it. ^[5] If your loved one does not share your beliefs and isn't interested, don't harass them with the subject.

   • You don't get to restrict someone else's food just because you're on a diet. Similarly, you don't get to take away other people's freedoms just because your religion or personal beliefs don't include them.
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   Recognize that staying closeted is often harmful to LGBTQ people's mental health. Closeted people are at a higher risk of developing mental health disorders and destructive behaviors. ^{[6] [7] [8]} On the other hand, research shows people who come out are happier, healthier, and they live longer. ^{[9] [10] [11]} Pushing a person back into the closet due to personal beliefs or discomfort is not an act of love—it's an act of selfishness that could cause your loved one real and serious harm.

   • Would you rather have a friend who is fearful, secretive, and afraid to be themselves, or a friend who is open and happy?
   • Put yourself in your loved one's shoes. Imagine feeling that if you expressed love for someone you really cared about, you would risk loved ones responding with rejection, disgust, hatred, or abuse. How would you feel? Is that the life you want for your friend?
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   Be very careful about expressing anti-LGBTQ beliefs. Every episode of victimization increases a person's risk of self harm by 2.5 times, and you don't want your words to be the reason someone begins hurting themselves. Say "I believe that it is wrong to be LGBTQ," and don't elaborate unless your LGBTQ friend specifically asks you to. Chances are, they are well aware of reasons why people don't accept them.

   • If they look at their feet, frown, look around as if searching for an escape, or cry, this means you've hurt them and you need to reconsider your choice to voice those opinions.
   • Some opinions are much more hurtful than others. There's a difference between "strawberry ice cream is best" and "your identity is fundamentally wrong and you're going to hell."
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   Decide whether to continue the friendship. Are you emotionally ready to accept your loved one as they are? If you love them unconditionally, you will allow yourself to continue acting as a positive and loving influence in their life. And after all, that's what life and love are all about.

   • Dealing with anti-LGBTQ loved ones can add a lot of stress to an LGBTQ person's life. If you're staunchly anti-LGBTQ, they're probably healthier and happier without you. ^[12]
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