If your spouse or significant other cheated on you, then you must be feeling hurt, overwhelmed, and unsure of how to proceed. If you'd like to continue the relationship, it's time to get in touch with your feelings and take stock of the bond you and your significant other have developed, and to work to move forward. Forgiving a cheater will never be easy, but following these steps can help you get through it.
Things You Should Know
- Have an honest conversation with your partner about how their actions affected you to gauge whether they’re remorseful and won’t do it again.
- Leave the cheating in the past and focus on the future by finding new ways to get closer to each other, like picking up a mutual hobby or class.
- Make a point of regularly discussing how you both feel about the relationship. That way, you can smooth out any jealousy or bitterness that could become a problem.
Steps
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Decide whether you should forgive the cheater. This is the most important step. Before you try to make things work, you have to decide whether it's worth it. No matter how much you love your significant other, you should know that forgiving a cheater may be one of the toughest, most emotionally taxing things you will ever have to do. But if you really want to see if you can make things work, then these are some potential reasons that you could forgive a cheater: [1] X Research source
- If it was a momentary indiscretion. Maybe you got in a big fight, maybe there was alcohol involved, or maybe they met someone who they thought was really, really special...for a moment. Though there are no great reasons for cheating, if it really, truly only happened once, then you may be able to move past it.
- If your significant other is truly sorry. This is a big one. Is your significant other extremely sorry, depressed, emotional, and doing everything they can to show you that they're devastated by this behavior and will never do it again?
- If you feel like you're giving up if you don't work it out. If you know you have something special and that walking out will feel like calling it quits, then you should try to hang in there to see if you can make it work.
- If you have had a long, healthy, intimate, incredible relationship. Though your relationship may not feel so great after you found out your loved one has been unfaithful, if it has been otherwise strong throughout the course of the relationship, then it may be worth saving.
- Don't forgive a habitual cheater. If your significant other has done this before, it's time to bow out. Even if you have a home, kids, and a life together, it's just not worth it. What if this is the only time you found out about the cheating, but you've suspected cheating a few times before? Then you were probably right.
- Don't forgive a cheater at the beginning of a relationship. If you just started dating someone and they already cheated on you, then your relationship's foundation is way too rocky for you to make it through. Feel relieved that it happened early, when it wasn't as hard to let go.
- Don't forgive a cheater if the cheating is a sign of a doomed relationship. If you think the cheating happened because you and your significant other have nothing in common anymore, are barely attracted to each other, and are completely failing to make it work, then look at this as an excuse to let everything go.
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Take time to cool off. No matter how much you want to talk to, yell at, or even hurt your significant other, don't do it right after you find out about the cheating. If you already had a blow-out after you found out, it's time to sit back and take a breather. If you found out about the cheating, but your significant other doesn't know you know, then you should take some time to reflect as you figure out what to say. [2] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- This is a difficult step. You may feel that the sooner you talk about it, the sooner you can start figuring out what to do, but this is not the case. If you jump into a conversation or an argument too soon, you will actually make things worse.
- Spend some time going for a walk, working out, or just crying in your room. Do whatever you have to do to release some of your emotions and help yourself think a little bit more rationally.
- This can even mean taking a few weeks to spend time away from your significant other. If you live together, this may be especially tough, but if you need to leave, try to stay with a friend or family member or even at a hotel if it's necessary.
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Don't blame yourself. This should be a no-brainer, but it may be one of the hardest parts of the process. Don't think that your significant other cheated on you because you aren't attractive enough, because you aren't communicative enough, or because you're too busy with work or raising your children to take time to focus on your relationship. [3] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.- Your significant other cheated and that's their fault. Nothing you have done should have warranted that (unless you were unfaithful first, but that's another story).
- You should never blame yourself for your significant other's cheating ways, but you can certainly think about ways that your actions have contributed to slowing down the relationship when you take time to reflect on the relationship as a whole.
- Furthermore, don't ever let your significant other blame you. If that happens, walk out the door.
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Take stock of your relationship. Once you feel more levelheaded, you should think about your relationship with the person who cheated on you. How do they make you feel? Can you imagine a future without them? Has this been a great relationship, or are you just afraid to let go? Here are some more questions to ask yourself: [4] X Research source
- What is special about your relationship? Are you willing to forgive the person for cheating because you truly want to save the amazing relationship, or because you're afraid to be alone? If you can't think of reasons why your relationship is special, then you should move on.
- How would you describe the trajectory of the relationship? Have things been good for a long time and then have suddenly soured, or has your relationship been slowly spiraling downward? Try to think of the reasons that the relationship has been moving in a certain way.
- Can you think of how the relationship led your significant other to cheat? Remember, this is different than blaming yourself. Try to think what it is about the relationship that could have made your significant other cheat. For instance, may they're jealous because you've had more partners, or they may feel like they settled down too soon because you've been together since you were young.
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Make sure your significant other is committed to making things work. Once you've decided that you want to forgive your significant other for the right reasons and that your relationship is worth saving, you have to make sure that your significant other is feeling the same way before you commit to months — or even years — of hard work. [5] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.- Make sure your significant other is truly sorry. There's a difference between saying sorry and truly being sorry. They should also be committed to moving forward with you.
"My boyfriend had one of his "female friends" in our house while I was at work. I came home early because I forgot something and surprised them (surprised myself, also). They hadn't done anything yet; I interrupted that. Long story short, in the end I forgave him and we're working on this relationship. I had doubts that I forgave too soon or for the wrong reasons, but this article reinforced my decision. I am grateful and relieved that I'm on the right track." more comments ..." more
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Validate your feelings. It's important that your significant other recognizes your feelings. They may be sorry, but that's different from understanding the pain, heartache, and confusion you're going through. Tell your significant other how you really feel using many "I-statements" (like "I feel..." or "I am..."), and make sure they acknowledge everything that is going through your head. [6] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.- Your significant other should completely understand that they've put you in a terrible position. They may be in a tough position too, especially if they had to end an affair, but they must be understanding of your feelings for it to work.
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Have an honest conversation. Being open about what happened is the only way to move forward. You should plan a day and time to sit down with your significant other and to talk about what happened. You may have already shouted or argued about it, but this is different from breaking down what happened in a rational way. Here's what to do: [7] X Research source
- Ask your significant other what happened. There's no need to get into the nitty-gritty of what exactly happened—just get the facts. For instance, you might ask how many times they met, and when did it happen?
- Ask how they feel about the other person. Best answer: "I feel absolutely nothing for them." Worst answer: "I don't know." If they still have lingering feelings for the other person, it's going to be very hard for them to fully commit to your relationship.
- Ask them if this has happened before. Though there are arguments against revealing past dalliances or insignificant mistakes to your long-term significant other, since you already know the score, you might as well get as much information as you can so you can make the best decision.
- Ask how they're feeling about your relationship. Find out why they cheated, and how they feel about being with you.
- Tell him how you feel again. Though you should have already communicated and validated your feelings, you can be firm about how you feel once you hear their side of the story.
- Discuss what you can do to make things work. You can be business-like about it and take notes. What will you do to make sure your relationship is stronger and that the cheating won't happen again? Will you spend more time together, be more honest with each other, or find a completely new relationship routine? Will you see a relationship therapist and talk to friends about the problem, or will you try to figure it out by yourselves?
- Set rules. If the other person is a coworker, does your significant other have to quit their job? Many relationship therapists say yes. Do they have to communicate with you every hour when they're out? This may feel humiliating for them, but remind them that you're actually the one who feels humiliated.
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Work on having open communication. Once you've had an honest conversation about what happened, you can work on making honest communication a part of your daily lives. [8] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. You should make a point of being open with each other, so take the time to listen to what the other person has to say. Here are some ways to work on having open communication: [9] X Research source- Make time to talk every week. Be open about what worked in the relationship that week and what you can do to make things better. This shouldn't feel too forced, but like a necessary step.
- Make a point of telling each other how you feel. Though you may feel closed off after you found out you've been cheated on, you should work on talking about your positive and negative emotions when you're ready.
- Don't be passive aggressive. If you're mad about something, mention it when the time is right.
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Work on improving your relationship. Unless the cheating was truly an anomaly and everything is perfect between you and your significant other, you need to work on your relationship. There are many things you can do to help build a deeper connection and to try to start fresh. Here are some things to try: [10] X Research source
- Pick up a new hobby together. Both of you should try something you have never done before, whether it's rock climbing or ceramics.
- Try to share more interests. Maybe you've grown distant because you feel like you have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. Make a pact to read the same book each month, or to watch a new television show together. Even sharing a few little interests can make a big difference.
- Work on compromising. Don't let your significant other always get their way, and know that you shouldn't get your way all the time either, even though you're the one who has been cheated on.
- Go on a vacation together. Doing something completely new together will give you a breath of fresh air. While a vacation is not a good long-term solution, it can help you feel more of a distance from the cheating. You should only do this once you've had some time to reflect and feel that you want to spend a lot of solo time with your significant other.
- Stop blaming your significant other. This may sound impossible, but if you really want to work on your relationship, you can't mention the fact that your significant other cheated every two seconds. You can bring it up when you're communicating about your feelings, but casual jabs about your significant other's cheating behavior will only make things worse.
- Minimize your significant other's groveling. Though you may be enjoying the constant compliments, flowers, and shoulder rubs, try to be on even footing as much as you can. Even if your significant other is truly sorry, they can't spend the entire relationship groveling or trying to assure you of their love. It's exhausting.
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Don't obsess over the other person. This is the easiest way to drive yourself completely insane and to ruin your relationship. If you know who the person is, do everything you can to avoid contact with them, and try to avoid thinking about them. It's natural if this feels completely impossible, but tell yourself that you should focus on your own relationship, not on what some other person is doing with their life. [11] X Research source
- Don't compare yourself to the other person—this will just make you feel bad about yourself or inadequate in some way.
- Don't stalk the other person on Facebook and other social media. Don't search through their profile, looking for clues about what that person has that you don't.
- Don't stalk the person in real life. Obviously.
- Don't talk about the other person to your significant other. Focus on your relationship instead of dwelling on the past.
- If you're really obsessing over the other person, you can talk to a friend about it, but you can only take that so far.
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If you still can't forgive your significant other, then let go. If you have tried everything and are still filled with anger and resentment and can't possibly find a way to move the relationship forward, then it's time to end things. If you can't stand the sight of your significant other, let alone their touch, or if you're filled with paranoia any time your significant other is around other people, it's time to call it quits.
- It's much better to end the relationship than to force yourself to stick around in something that isn't working. Your resentment may only grow, and you could end up hurting the other person by cheating, or grow so emotionally distant that communication is impossible.
- Remember that even if the person has tried incredibly hard to be the best significant other after they cheated, it may have just been too late. Just because the person is trying hard now doesn't mean you have to stick with it if you're just not feeling right.
- You can feel proud that you tried to work through something incredibly difficult even though it didn't work. That still took a lot of courage.
What Should You Do If Your Wife Cheated On You?
Comments
- "This helped me a lot. I screenshot a lot of things so I can re-read them quick when I'm having a moment of weakness. I know I have to end things with my 5 year relationship. He's cheated 3 times that I know of, and I've never cheated. The biggest problem is that he's never showed remorse for the hurt he has put me though or a sincere apology. A very heartless man. I'm better off without him. Thank you for putting it in perfect perspective for me. " ..." more
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"My husband went to work away in another country for 2 months. 1 month in he went to a club and met a woman. He then rented a motel room and spent the night with her. The next day he phoned me and told me everything. He told me he was truly sorry and it will never happen again. I found a way to forgive him. It was very painful and difficult, but I loved him and he loved me. We have been together for 8 years and have a 1-year-old daughter. " ..." more
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"My girlfriend cheated on me for a few months without my knowledge. I always felt like she was hiding something, but I wanted to trust her. Eventually something didn't sit right, and I asked to talk to him. After she swore through her teeth that nothing happened, I got him alone and made him talk. I was devastated. Just then I was about to call our relationship over. But I read this. I knew what to do. It does help." ..." more
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"This really helped me to put things into perspective. I'm quick to forgive someone and then think about what happened after I forgive them. I also tend to make excuses for the behavior of the other person instead of paying attention to the real facts. This information gave me an outline of the dos and don'ts. Thank you for this information." ..." more
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"I've read this and I'm going to try this, it's my last attempt to save my relationship. I hope it works, as I don't want to lose him, but I realize if I can't fix it, I don't want to hurt him. I can't carry on wasting both our time pretending it's OK. This has helped open my eyes and fingers crossed, this advice saves it. Thank you." ..." more
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"I like the fact that the article is very caring and respectful. It wasn't all about how despicable cheating was or anything like that. It got me to think rationally about what I want and how I'm feeling, rather than being upset about the act. Thank you." ..." more
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"My boyfriend has been emotionally cheating with a lady from work. I read the messages in his phone and it broke my heart. I've tried to forgive and forget about it, so reading this I can now work on our love again." ..." more
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"I think is great that you guys have the help out there, it's really helpful, almost like therapy. It helps you really dig into your most profound thoughts to help you decide what to do with the situation." ..." more
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"Not dwelling on things, everyone is human and imperfect. Although, that being said, it's still no excuse nor right by any means, but you have to let go either way, for your own benefit." ..." more
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"It has made me realize that a break is needed, and being apart for some time can change things for the better. Avoiding your feelings to protect the cheater will just make things worse." ..." more
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"The part about moving forward without the cheating SO, if you continue to feel like you can't get past what he did after having given the relationship another chance." ..." more
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"Your articles helps me to think deeply on how I can truly forgive my partner after he cheated on me. Though it's hard, hard as a rock, but I will just try, thanks!" ..." more
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"I liked when it said to take time and cool off before confronting your partner, and to see how good your relationship was before making a decision." ..." more
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"I followed the steps in a previous cheating situation, and now I can move forward with my life to be a better person for myself and kids." ..." more
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"It has helped me a lot. I have learned to let go after I was cheated on. It is hard, but time heals."
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"The most helpful part was learning to reflect before forgiving. I love you, wikiHow. Thanks a bunch."
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"It really helped me decide to try to forgive my now ex girlfriend. I might be able to and move on."
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"Really helped me, I'm trying the given tips. I'm very hopeful that it will yield tangible results."
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"Talking instead of arguing, and not throwing it back in your partners face after you found out."
Expert Q&A
Tips
- Don't let financial dependence force you into staying with your significant other. If you're certain that you'll never be happy with your cheating significant other, no amount of money is worth staying in a toxic relationship.Thanks
- Forgiving a cheater is even more complicated when there are children in the mix. You need to think about what would be best for the children as well as what would be best for you; would you rather stay in a less-than-ideal situation because it's better for your children, or do you think that doing what's best for you will also be the best for your kids in the long run?Thanks
Tips from our Readers
- "If the person who cheated does not take responsibility for their actions or tries to blame their significant other, they may not be worth giving another chance."
Warnings
- Remember that the cheater may cheat again. If it happens again, it's probably a good time to break up or divorce.Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/more-chemistry/201403/why-people-cheat
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201703/after-cheating-restoring-relationship-trust
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201411/honesty-can-make-or-break-relationship
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/relationships/work-communication-healthy-relationships
About This Article
Although it can be hard to forgive a cheater, you may want to if you think the relationship is worth it and your partner is truly sorry. However, if they have cheated on you before, consider walking away, since they may never change. Before making a decision, take the time you need to cool off and collect your thoughts. Then, talk to your partner about what happened and how it made you feel. After they apologize to you and confirm that they're still committed to you, discuss how you can improve your relationship and communication. For example, you could pick up a new hobby together, or dedicate time to talking about your feelings each week. Regardless of what you choose, try your best to stop blaming your significant other so you can truly move on. For more advice, like how to know when to let a cheater go, scroll down.