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There are lots of ways that you can be truly intimate with a person that do not include sex. Intimacy often starts in the emotions, so begin by improving your emotional connection together. Be vulnerable with your partner and practice truly listening when they speak. If you want to either keep sex out of your relationship because you're not ready or you want to slow down your relationship and make it more meaningful, you can actually feel more bonded without having sex.
Steps
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Be willing to feel vulnerable and express your feelings. Emotional intimacy means being honest with your thoughts and feelings, even when they’re uncomfortable. Be willing to share your needs, hopes, and fears with your partner. While opening up can be scary, a good partner will be supportive and try to understand you better. [1] X Research source
- Being open about yourself can help you and your partner learn from each other and support each other in a new and deeper way.
- For example, tell your partner about your dream to become a pastry chef or get a graduate degree.
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Build your trust together . Struggling with trust in a relationship can lead to conflicts and insecurities, especially if you don’t feel like you can be physically and emotionally open with your partner. Prioritize honesty in your relationship. Practice saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Show that you can be there for your partner and notice that they can be there for you, too. Respect each other’s boundaries physically, emotionally, and socially. [2] X Research source
- For example, if your partner values privacy, don’t share intimate details of your relationship with people who know them. If you agree to keep something private, keep it private.
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Listen fully when your partner speaks. A solid partnership includes two people who not only hear each other, but listen to each other. Turn toward each while speaking. Put down your phones and switch off the television. Pay attention to what your partner says in a non-judgmental way and give supportive feedback. You should also feel like your partner listens to you. You can build intimacy by knowing you can say what’s on your heart and not feel criticized for your words.
- Practice active listening with your partner and build your intimacy by knowing you can count on each other to listen and understand.
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Ask personal questions. Get to know your partner’s inner life. Asking questions can help each of you to open up and think about what has impacted you, what drives you, and how you relate to each other. Ask questions that encourage intimacy and sharing. [3] X Research source Focus on asking open-ended questions so that you can elaborate on answers and build some discussion.
- Ask questions like “If you could choose to be anyone, real or fictional, who would you choose to be and why?” and, “What would you say to your younger self, if you could? What would you say to your older self?”
- Ask questions about your relationship, too. For example, “What do you think makes us great together?”, “How can we improve our communication?” and, “What’s one thing you like doing in our relationship?”
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Ask for help from your partner. If you’ve had a bad day, there’s almost nothing more comforting than a supportive person to lean on. It can be difficult to ask for help or even cry in front of your partner, but feeling their support is often worth the risk. Plus, you might learn that they are someone you can count on to be there for you, even in difficult times.
- For example, say, “I had a really hard day. Can we talk about it?”
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Take every opportunity to cuddle . Cuddling is an important way to make contact and feel close without having to take off your clothes. Whether you’re watching a movie together or laying in bed, reach out and wrap your arms around your partner to feel that physical closeness together. [4] X Research source
- Grab your partner’s hand, put your arm around their waist or shoulder, and make an effort to include more touch.
- Sometimes, one person has to initiate the contact.
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Share a long hug. Hugging reduces stress and increases bonding between you and your partner. Get in the habit of hugging your partner when you come together and separate. For example, hug your partner before going to work or school in the morning and when you see them after a reunion (such as seeing each other after school or work).
- Give a solid hug by wrapping your arms around your partner and not letting go right away.
- If hugging doesn't come naturally to your partner, ask for the hug directly.
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Breathe together. Breathing together can be physically and emotionally intimate without even touching each other. Start by sitting across from each other and facing one another. Begin focusing on your breath and breathing with your eyes closed. When you feel ready, open your eyes and watch your partner’s stomach moving with their breath. [5] X Research source
- The air you breathe will become the air that your partner breathes. Whether you start to breathe together or not, you should feel in sync with your partner.
- After you complete this exercise can be a great time to talk and have those deep conversations that seem so difficult in other situations.
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Lock eyes together. Gazing at each other can be a sign of love and connection. [6] X Research source You might feel vulnerable or even a bit fearful once you and your partner lock eyes. Keep the connection and step outside of feeling embarrassed or scared and focus on your partner. Recognize that you can feel safe and secure, even when your partner sees you for who you are. [7] X Research source
- Spend some time locking eyes with your partner. Sit across from each other and look into each other’s eyes. Start with 30 seconds, then move the time up as you feel comfortable.
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Kiss passionately . If your kisses have moved to pecks, bring back the passion that comes from a good kiss or makeout session. Kissing can contribute to improving intimacy, especially in long-term relationships. Couples who kiss more frequently report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. [8] X Research source
- Give your partner different kinds of kisses. For example, kiss on the lips, on the cheek, neck, hand, and other parts of the body (that won’t lead to having sex).
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Try intimate touching. You might not want to have sex, but there are sexual activities that you can do together that involve many of the same feelings and sensations without the actual act. For example, touch each other, kiss each other’s bodies, and lick each other. These actions can allow you to be intimate, without worrying about some of the consequences of sex itself.
- Talk about your comfort level with your partner. If you are purposefully abstaining from sex, then create specific boundaries for relating in a physically intimate way. For example, you may be comfortable kissing but not taking your clothes off.
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Try something new together. Trying something new requires courage and may show you a new side of yourself and your partner. You might find that you enjoy something you never knew you could enjoy, or discover something about your partner you’ve never noticed. Adding a new experience can help you feel closer and help you bond over the new experience. [9] X Research source
- For example, try a boxing class, race go karts, or try a dance class.
- Use your knowledge from your intimate talks to come up with activities you would both enjoy. Alternatively, you could try something that is special to one of you.
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Add some adrenaline to a date. A little adrenaline can help you feel more attracted to your partner and increase feelings of intimacy. [10] X Research source Try doing something fun and maybe even a little risky together. For example, try skydiving, rock climbing, or zip lining.
- Doing something in a high arousal state can make couples feel more bonded and together.
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Do something a little scary. While you don’t want to be scared for too long, it can be fun to do something with a small fear factor to encourage you and your partner to turn toward each other. Knowing you can rely on your partner for emotional support can help you feel close to them and trust them to be there for you.
- For example, go to a haunted house or take a walk in the dark together.
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Look at old photographs together. Take a trip down memory lane and open yourself up to exposing a younger version of yourself to your partner. Looking at pictures of your childhood and the people that were important to you is a very intimate act. When you discuss the things that mattered to you and the events and people that led you to become who you are, you reveal a lot of vulnerabilities to your partner.
- Show your partner around your hometown and talk about memories from growing up. Then, ask them to do the same for you.
- Family stuff can be difficult to discuss, but try to answer all of their questions.
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Tips
- Respect each other's boundaries. Including your own.Thanks
- Compliment each other.Thanks
- Any touching or intimate activity must have clear unambiguous consent and enthusiasm from your partner. Touching without permission is a violation of the other person's boundaries.Thanks
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Warnings
- Some of these tips could lead to sex. If that's not what you want, say so! Don't be afraid to speak up.Thanks
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201205/why-intimacy-makes-us-feel-vulnerable
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/build-trust/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/attending-the-undervalued-self/201501/36-questions-intimacy-back-story
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201504/why-cuddling-is-so-crucial
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/mindfulness-in-relationships-breathing-together/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201404/5-secret-powers-eye-contact
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201403/in-your-eyes
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201311/what-s-in-kiss
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201004/trying-new-things
About This Article
Article Summary
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To get more intimate with someone without having sex, try asking them personal questions to get to know them better. For example, ask “If you could go back in time 5 years, what would you say to your younger self?” Intimacy is a 2-way street, so be honest in return and share your own thoughts and feelings, even if they’re uncomfortable. If you want to feel physically close to someone without having sex, try cuddling with them while watching a movie or lying in bed. You can also kiss and touch different parts of their body to turn up the heat. For more tips from our co-author, including how to grow closer to your partner by looking at old photos together, read on!
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"I learned many things. It taught me that when you're not ready for sex, speak to your partner about it. I also learned how to be intimate with my partner without having sex. It taught me that I should speak up, spend more time with my partner, share common goals, read stories together and nap together. Thank you."
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