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Learn to let go of feelings for your best friend
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Everyone catches feelings for a friend now and then. It’s normal, natural, and no big deal, but that doesn’t make it fun, exactly. Preserving your friendship is important, but you'll need time on your own to deal with the overwhelming emotions and move on. We talked to dating and relationship coaches Laura Bilotta and Mark Rosenfeld to help you move on and examine your feelings. Plus, we’ll help you decide whether or not you should say something, how to say it, and how to stay friends.

Getting Over Feelings for a Friend

Get over the crush by spending time with other people, focusing on your hobbies or goals, and letting your feelings out through creativity and journaling. Talk to another trusted friend about your feelings, meet new friends, and think about dating someone else.

Section 1 of 6:

Moving On from Your Crush

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  1. Bilotta tells us that to get over someone, sometimes you have to “put more value into yourself” first. [1] Learn to love yourself on a deeper level to focus less on your crush and more on yourself. Think about your goals in life and what's important to you. Explore your strengths and weaknesses as a human being. Knowing yourself better will help you define what you're seeking in a relationship. [2]
    • Take yourself on a cafe date and spend some time journaling about your hopes, dreams, and desires.
    • Ask yourself questions you’d ask a date. What are you interested in? What do you want out of a relationship?
  2. Bilotta encourages us not to “sit around and feel bad,” but to get out there and have fun instead! [3] Exploring your passions and learning something new will give you something else to think about besides your friend. You'll also be able to learn new skills and regain some self-confidence. Join a cooking class, volunteer at a local shelter, learn an instrument , or try out an activity you've always wanted to do.
    • Pick a hobby that requires a lot of time and concentration. You can then use it to escape your mind for a while and focus on something productive.
    • Now is the time to revisit an activity you used to do but for whatever reason let go. Doing something you love again will help you reconnect with your inner self.
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  3. “Learn how to just be a friend again,” Bilotta advises. [4] One way to do that is to just hang out with your other friends. As you develop meaningful relationships with other friends, you'll gain emotional support outside of your best friend. Invite a friend over to chat, see a movie with them, or even send them a text to let them know you care.
    • Just don’t distract yourself constantly with friends. Spending time alone is important, too. If you need some space from others for a while, let yourself have that time. [5]
    • Also, having a crush on your best friend can cause you to neglect other friendships. Take this chance to get closer to more people.
  4. “Go out on more dates,” Bilotta says, "and meet new people.” [6] Getting your mind off of someone often means getting your mind on someone else. Once you're ready to fall in love again, re-enter the dating scene. You don't have to fall into a serious relationship right away: date a few different people for a while and have fun just getting to know them. [7]
    • Join a club, volunteer somewhere new, chat with a classmate or co-worker, or visit your local game store, cafe, or bar.
    • Recognize the qualities that you liked in your friend and look for them in others. Understand that you won't find someone exactly like your friend, however.
    • This way, you’ll realize that your friend may not have been the one, and start to understand that eventually you will meet the right person.
  5. “A little bit of distance can do wonders,” Bilotta tells us, “less contact is key.” [8] You might need some time away from this person to work through your feelings. Tell your friend that you need space for a while. While you're spending time away from them, focus on other things, like trying a new hobby or meeting new people.
    • Rebuilding a friendship can take weeks or months. You may not feel "over" your crush until you find someone new. Take as much time as you need to process your emotions.
    • Let your friend know why you need space so that they don't feel hurt or confused. Let them know that it isn't their fault and that you still care about them. [9]
  6. 6
    Get off of social media for a little bit. Again, it’s all about giving your friend—and yourself—some space. [10] These days, part of that is giving yourself some digital space. Log out of your social media until you feel better, Bilotta suggests. [11] Or, unfollow, or even block, your friend, so you don’t have to see their posts.
    • Keep in mind that if you block your friend, they may ask for an explanation. It might be better just to log off.
    • Start with one week, then check in on your feelings, and take another week or two if your feelings are still raw.
  7. Having an unrequited crush can be hard on your self-esteem. It can make you feel like you won’t find love, or aren’t worthy. Believing in yourself again can help you cope with the pain and cultivate hope in the future. Regain that self-esteem by doing something you know you’re good at, whether it’s art, sports, or even video games. Write down your strengths on a piece of paper to remember when you're feeling low, and set reachable goals every day to remind yourself that you can do hard things. [12]
    • Low self-esteem can be a sign of depression, which is difficult to cure alone. If you think you may be depressed, tell a loved one or see a counselor.
  8. Humor really can be the best medicine. Comic relief can help you de-stress and keep a light perspective in life. Watch a silly movie, read humorous novels, or visit a local comedy club. At the very least, laughter can distract you when you need time away from your thoughts. [13]
    • Sometimes people use humor as a coping mechanism in hard times. Make sure that you're not using jokes to repress painful feelings. [14]
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Section 2 of 6:

Processing Your Emotions

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  1. Facing your feelings is key. Don't bottle up your emotions! Trying to repress feelings often leads to more pain. Rather than ignoring the pain, open yourself up to the full spectrum of emotions. [15] Grieve for what could have been. Express gratitude that this friend has been in your life. Think of the good and bad times. Whatever emotions come, accept them.
    • If the emotions are too overwhelming, take a break from thinking about your friend. Relax, recharge, and revisit the situation when you're ready.
    • Talk to other friends or someone you trust. Getting your feelings out can keep you from dwelling on the situation. Third parties can also give you an outside perspective.
    • Sometimes a good cry can be cathartic. If you need to cry, find somewhere you're comfortable and let it out.
  2. While you have these strong feelings for your friend, you may neglect taking care of yourself. But practicing self-care will help you regain confidence and maintain supportive relationships as you process your emotions. Do activities that strengthen your physical and emotional well-being, and take care of your personal hygiene. [16]
    • Emotional self-care might include: Reading a book, spending time with a friend, listening to music, getting a massage, or learning something new. [17]
    • Physical self-care might include: Going for a walk, exercising, getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, or scheduling a medical check-up. [18]
  3. Getting your feelings out (whether in words, art, or song) will help you collect your thoughts and process all the emotions you might be feeling. You can share your work with others, or you can just keep it for yourself. The important part is expressing yourself fully. If you're not the creative type, start a journal. Seeing your emotions on paper will help you work through them. [19]
  4. “Eventually, you will meet the right person,” Bilotta reminds us. [20] Getting over a crush takes time as your heart heals. In a way, you might always love and care for this person. What matters is moving past the pain and opening yourself up to loving again, even if not for a while. Don't beat yourself up if you're still pining for this person. You can—and will—find new love in the future.
    • Holding onto feelings like sadness or bitterness only makes you angry, which isn’t fun for anyone. Accept your emotions, but do your best not to cling to the negative ones. [21]
  5. 5
    Talk to a professional to sort through your feelings. Sometimes, our own feelings can be confusing and overwhelming, and we don’t know how to sort them out ourselves. In these cases, it’s often best to talk to a therapist or a counselor, who can help you figure out your feelings in a safe, private, and judgment-free environment. [22]
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Section 3 of 6:

Should you tell your friend?

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  1. 1
    Ask yourself if you’re willing to risk the friendship by telling them. “There's always going to be a risk,” Rosenfeld says. “You have to accept that risk, in my opinion…if you're really going to share that with someone…On the other hand, are you going to sit there just kind of pining after them and not saying anything?” [23] It’s not easy, but being honest with your feelings is often the best course of action.
    • That said, if you do decide to tell them, wait a few weeks. By then, your feelings may have faded. If not, then it might be time to say something.
    • Understand that every friendship changes. If you’re good friends, your friendship will endure this, even if it’s uncomfortable for a while.
    • Also, you never know! Best case scenario, your friend also feels the same way.
  2. Rosenfeld reminds us that the only way to know how your friend feels is to reveal your own feelings. [24] Letting your friend know how you feel might set you free from emotional pressure and pain. You won't have as many questions about how they feel, whether they reciprocate your feelings, or how to read into moments with them. You won't have to deal with "what-ifs" or what could have been because you'll have your closure.
    • Closure is especially important if you want to move on from this crush and feel ready to date other people.
    • Talking to your friend will require vulnerability . This takes courage because you might face disappointment. It's an important communication skill, however, and something you'll need in future relationships.
    • If you don't tell your friend you care for them, they might never know the extent of your feelings. Letting them know can help them understand your friendship and support you, if needed. [25]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 671 wikiHow readers who've told their friend they like them, and 54% of them agreed that their goal in doing so is to see if there’s a chance for a romantic relationship. [Take Poll] You’ll never know how your friend feels if you don’t tell them, and even if they don’t share your feelings, you’ll get the closure you need to move on.
  3. If you just distance yourself from your friend with no explanation, they might feel hurt. “Talk it out with them so no one is left feeling awkward,” Bilotta suggests. [26] Otherwise, your friend might worry that they did something wrong or that you don't care for them anymore, which isn’t true, and also isn’t fair to them. Opening up about your feelings can get rid of miscommunication.
    • Being vulnerable about feelings is important. If you can't express your emotions, you and your friend may not feel connected or safe around each other, even when you’re not crushing on them.
    • Check out these dating tips from wikiHow users on the "Help, I have a crush on my best friend!" forum page.
  4. When you or your friend is dating another person, things are a little more complicated. Telling them you like them could bring conflicting emotions into the friendship and introduce distance. [27] If you’re the one in a relationship, word might get around to your partner. It might be best to hold your tongue until the existing relationship runs its course.
    • Don't tell them immediately after they break up with their significant other. This will come off as callous and unsympathetic. Give them time to heal.
    • Sometimes, though, it’s still worth it to open up. Your relationship as their friend might be just as important as their relationship with their partner, and honest communication is always a positive thing.
  5. 5
    Find out if your friend is okay with same-sex relationships if that’s the case. When your best friend is someone of the same gender as you, it adds another layer to the situation. Before you confess your feelings, you might want to find out how they feel about LGBT+ people, since it’ll probably affect their reaction. [28]
    • For example, bring up a famous LGBT+ person and see how your friend reacts.
    • If your friend is open-minded, then you may want to come out to them first, as a next step, before you confess your feelings.
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Section 4 of 6:

Revealing Your Feelings

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  1. If you're nervous, you might be tempted to reveal your feelings over text or online messaging. But having serious conversations is much better in person, and Rosenfeld recommends face-to-face. [29] Being able to see and hear the other person will leave less room for miscommunication. You'll see each other's body language and be able to respond immediately.
    • Try a few deep breathing exercises before you have the conversation to get rid of nerves.
    • Write out your feelings before you tell them, if you feel overwhelmed. This will give you an outlet and help you express your emotions in a healthy way.
    • Invite them out to do someone you usually enjoy together, so that you’re both comfortable and in a familiar head space.
  2. Rosenfeld suggests reminding yourself, and your friend, how strong your relationship is and how much you care. [30] Sometimes when people reveal romantic feelings, the recipient may worry that you're only interested in dating them. If they don't reciprocate the feeling, they might wonder if you're still interested in a friendship. Make it clear that you appreciate your relationship with them regardless of their response. How you tell your friend about your crush may determine their reaction.
    • For example, if you tell them that you care about them, they react sympathetically. If you only make it seem like you want to date, they may react defensively.
    • Say, “I love and appreciate you no matter what our relationship looks like, but I need to tell you how I feel.”
  3. 3
    Speak honestly and from the heart. If you’re going to tell them, there’s no point in holding back. An honest, open conversation shows how much you care, but also gives them the opportunity to be open and honest themself. Talking it out is the best practice, Bilotta reminds us. [31] Stay cool and calm , but speak plainly and let it out. You might say something like:
    • “No pressure to feel any sort of way about it, but I think I want to be more than friends.”
    • “You don’t have to say anything, but I need to tell you about my feelings.”
    • “I don’t have any expectations, but I want us to be on the same page so we can stay friends, no matter what our relationship looks like.”
  4. If they say they reciprocate your feelings, you might feel anxious and unsure what to do next. If they say they don't, you might feel crushed. Their emotions are as valid as yours, and it is important for you to respect them. “Don’t make a big deal of it,” Bilotta says. [32] Don't argue with them or react angrily if their response isn't what you hoped for. Thank them for being honest, and distance yourself if you need time alone.
    • However, even if you need less contact than before, don't ghost your friend and disappear completely. Try remembering how important the friendship was to you before you developed the crush.
    • Hurt, grief, and pain are all part of grieving. Don't suppress your emotions or feel ashamed. It's all part of the healing process.
    • If your feelings cause significant distress and you're unable to move on, you may be dealing with depression. Talk to a psychologist or therapist .
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Section 5 of 6:

Staying Friends

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  1. Your crush might linger if you daydream about what could be, but holding onto your fantasies will only lead to more pain. Accept the reality of the situation and your feelings of attraction equally. Gradually avoid thinking about what your relationship would be like if it could only work out. [33]
    • Don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. If you find yourself fantasizing, ground yourself in the present. List something you see, taste, hear, touch, and feel.
    • Instead of building up a fantasy life, work on yourself. Set goals in your work or hobbies, spend time with loved ones, and work on self-improvement to love the life you have.
  2. Your friendship with this person can still be meaningful, even if you can't pursue a romantic relationship with them. Think about all the good times you've had with this person and the positive qualities they have. Have gratitude that this person is in your life and that you've had the opportunity to know them. [34]
    • You don't have to stop being friends, but spending time with just this person can cause you to dwell more on your feelings. Spend time with other friends, too, to balance your social life.
    • Ask yourself: Even though you can’t date them, would you rather they not be in your life at all? This can help you find the silver lining.
  3. If you want to fall out of love with your crush, set boundaries for yourself and your friend to avoid sparking old flames . You might avoid extended physical contact with your friend, stop flirting with them, or steer away from intimate conversations for a while. Share the boundaries with your friend (if you're comfortable) so they know to avoid those situations. [35]
    • For example, you might tell your friend to hold off on cuddling or hugging, even if they just mean it in a platonic way.
    • On the flip side, you may have to hold yourself back from hugging or holding them. Let them know why you are doing this so they don't feel hurt or abandoned.
  4. 4
    Understand that friendships can be as rewarding as romances. Just because you’re not dating your friend doesn’t mean that the relationship isn’t important, meaningful, or cherished. Friendships can be even more meaningful than relationships! And sometimes, the lines can blur, and it won’t even matter. [36] Instead of being sad you can’t date, ask yourself how to make the most of being friends, rather than being “just friends.”
    • For example, hanging out can be just as fun and engaging as going on a date.
    • You don’t have to be partners to say things like, “I love you!”
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Section 6 of 6:

The Bottom Line

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  1. 1
    Distract yourself with other relationships until the feeling clears up. Bilotta says the best thing you can do is to get out into the world and make new experiences. [37] Not only will it distract you from your feelings, but you’ll learn more about yourself, and you might find something—or someone—that grabs your attention, other than your crush.
    • Get involved in clubs, classes, or sports teams.
    • Try dating other people. Even if it’s just casually, you might find someone that clicks with you more.
    • Focus on your hobbies and passions. Invest time in yourself rather than worrying about another person.
  2. 2
    Have an honest conversation with your friend, if the feeling lasts. Bilotta also tells us that talking it out is sometimes the best medicine. [38] If you’re always wondering what would have happened, this wound may never heal completely. And if you’re true friends, you’ll find a way through this situation, even if your friend doesn’t feel the same way about you.
    • Do it in private, and in person, so you can have an honest, face-to-face discussion.
    • Make is casual and low-stakes. Make sure your friend knows that their answer doesn’t have to change the friendship.
    • Respect your friend’s answer. They can’t control how they feel, same as how you can’t control how you feel.
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Join the Discussion...

WikiBirdWatcher823
How do I handle having a crush on my best friend? I think she’s amazing, and we do everything together. But I don’t know if she feels the same way, and I’m really scared of ruining things.
John Keegan
Dating Coach
This is a tough situation to be in. The best thing to do when you have a crush on your best friend is find out if they feel the same way. Sometimes great friends really do become great lovers.

Eventually, you want to be able to directly say, "You know what, I think I'm starting to feel something for you." But it’s better to be more subtle at first to get a sense of where they're at. For example, when you're hanging out, lean in close to their ear and whisper something funny or tell them that they look great. Just feel their vibes, and see if you can start to create some heat. At some point, you'll have to ask yourself, "Is it worth ruining the friendship we have for me to take this risk?" And if the answer is yes, then you have to do it.

You can try gradually moving towards more physical interactions by subtly doing things like saying "Let's hug," or leaning in and kissing their cheeks like you're in France. See if it feels like something's happening, if that person wants to meet you where you're at. It's very subtle, and you don't have to deal go over the top.

If it seems like they're being receptive, that can be the time to say, "I'm really starting to feel like there's something more between us" or "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel like there's something more between us, and maybe we should explore it."

But first, I would just initiate light physical escalation and read the signs you receive.
Laura Bilotta
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
If you talk to your friend and she doesn't feel the same as you, a little bit of distance can work wonders to help you heal. Keep in contact with your friend, but have less contact than before.

Don't make a big deal of it. You don't want to go around telling everyone or feel angry about the rejection. It is important to remember how the friendship was before you developed this crush.

If you have to, stop looking at their social media accounts for the time being. Talk it out with them so no one is left feeling awkward, and then commit to letting it go. Allow yourself to grieve and get over it. That could happen by creating a bit of space.

It could mean taking a few weeks or a month off of seeing them, but this could be best for both of you in the long run. Focus on other activities and on yourself, get back to doing things you love, and learn how to just be a friend again to this person.

Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    I've been trying for years to get over my best friend. All these feelings are weighing me down with guilt, but if I tell her I'm afraid it'll be awkward and I'll lose her. What do I do?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Having courage and being vulnerable is important, especially in relationships. You may find that being open not only helps get rid of your guilt but may make the relationship stronger as well. If it does not work out, then at least you won't feel guilty anymore and won't spend your time on someone who does not feel the same way about you.
  • Question
    I might be moving away from my best friend who is also my crush we speak every day. How do I get over him?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Make sure to clearly tell him your concerns and feelings. He may still want to have you as a friend in his life. Technology has made connecting over long distances easier.
  • Question
    Is it bad to like your best friend?
    Community Answer
    Nothing is wrong about loving your best friend. Regardless of whether the relationship is best or meant to be, feelings are neither good nor bad. They just are.
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      Tips

      • Don't compare every new date to your best friend: you'll only feel like nobody can measure up. Appreciate your friend's positive qualities, but recognize that others can have good and different attributes.
      • If you're upset, reach out to a friend or family member who can offer advice. Venting and listening to their counsel can help you move forward.

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      • If you've got a really good relationship with your friend and the two of you communicate well, consider just telling them how you're feeling. You don't even necessarily have to ask them out, you could just say, "You know, I had a crush on you and I'm trying to get over it but man, it's hard!" This could help alleviate some of the tension you're putting on yourself so that you can move on.
      • You might be surprised, but the odds are very high that your best friend knows you have a crush on them. It's actually pretty hard to hide something like that, especially if the two of you hang out for an extended period of time. If you want to get over it and you're really struggling, telling your best friend about what you're experiencing could be helpful.
      • If your best friend is a key member of your friend group, try to find another friend group to hang out with for a while. Even if it's just temporary, getting some space from the person you're trying to get over will help you get past the way you're feeling.
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      References

      1. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      2. https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-get-to-know-yourself-better
      3. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      4. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      5. https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-get-to-know-yourself-better
      6. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      7. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
      8. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      9. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-with-a-brain/201404/does-your-relationship-need-a-break
      1. https://wellbeing.jhu.edu/blog/2023/04/06/dear-tyler-and-jay-what-do-i-do-if-im-in-love-with-my-best-friend/
      2. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      3. https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
      4. https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/02/17/9-ways-that-humor-heals/
      5. https://psychcentral.com/lib/humor-as-weapon-shield-and-psychological-salve/
      6. https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/tips-for-finding-lasting-love
      7. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/personal-hygiene
      8. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/134-activities-to-add-to-your-self-care-plan/
      9. https://www.utoledo.edu/studentaffairs/counseling/selfhelp/copingskills/selfcare.html
      10. https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1
      11. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      12. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/from-sad-to-mad-how-suppressing-your-sadness-invites-anger-0415145
      13. https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/should-i-come-out-bi-and-tell-my-friend-im-interested-them
      14. Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      15. Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      16. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/10/crush-feel-relevant-information-compliment-fancying
      17. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      18. https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/what-should-i-do-about-my-girlfriends-ex-boyfriend-who-wont-go-away
      19. https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/should-i-come-out-bi-and-tell-my-friend-im-interested-them
      20. Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      21. Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2021.
      22. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      23. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      24. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/compassion-matters/201104/how-tell-the-difference-between-real-love-and-fantasy
      25. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_can_help_you_through_hard_times
      26. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm
      27. https://www.vogue.com/article/in-love-best-friend
      28. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      29. Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      30. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      It can be tough to have a crush on your best friend, especially if they don’t feel the same way. If a romantic relationship isn’t in the cards, it might help to get some space away from your friend for a while. Let them know that their friendship is still important to you, but you need some time to yourself. During your break, focus on things that are meaningful to you, like learning new skills, working on a hobby you enjoy, or spending time with other friends. When you are with your best friend, set boundaries to avoid rekindling your romantic feelings. For example, you might decide not to spend too much time alone with them, or steer clear of platonic hugs and cuddles for a while. It can take a while for a crush to die down, so be patient with yourself. Consider writing your feelings down, talking to another trusted friend about them, or even letting your best friend know what’s up. For more tips from our co-author, including how to appreciate the friendship you have with your best friend, read on!

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