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When you're finally ready to get over a crush, you may wonder what to do next. You might know what to expect after breaking up with a boyfriend or getting a divorce, but how do you get over a relationship that never happened? How do you act around him, and what can you tell your friends? How do you deal with the sickening sense of rejection, even if you know intellectually that you're worthy of love? You've already taken the first step: choosing to move on. Taking some time to yourself and some time to shake it off will help you on your way.
Steps
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Release your hope for him. Giving up on something you want can be frightening, but actually doing so can be a relief. Unconsciously, you've been motivated to pursue him—he's been your goal. [1] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Make a conscious decision to no longer pursue him. It may help to write this down, to tell a friend, or even to hold a small ceremony for yourself.- Consider gathering things you have that make you think of him and putting them in a box, throwing them away, or giving them away.
- Once your private space is cleared of reminders, consider holding a small cleansing ceremony. Burn some sage incense and walk through your room or your home. [2] X Research source
- When a wish for him comes up, don't suppress it and don't cling to it. Acknowledge how you feel, but remind yourself that you are choosing to move on. [3] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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Grieve. Don't push away feelings of sadness when they come. It's totally natural and healthy to be sad when you have feelings for someone and it doesn't work out. Take a week or a few weeks to grieve. Cry if you can: if your feelings are hurt, you are actually hurt, and you will do better to acknowledge it. Crying can be extremely therapeutic. [4] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source- Listen to music that lets you feel your feelings.
- Exercise. It helps to clear your mind and you will be healthier.
- Write in a diary if you have one.
- Write a letter to him if you want. Keep it for a week or two before you give it to him, or don't give it to him at all. The point is to get your feelings out.
- Go on some long walks by yourself. You'll have time to think, and you'll feel better for the exercise.
- Know when to stop. If you're dropping the people and projects that matter to you, you're grieving too much.
- Consult a therapist if you can't get back into your normal life. [5] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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Evaluate his behavior and your own. Did he lead you on, acting like he liked you for attention? Did you pursue him relentlessly even after he let you know that it wasn't going to work? Was everyone honest and considerate, or was bad behavior involved? If you feel like you misbehaved, apologize.- If you feel like he did something wrong, and you're friends, consider letting him know that you feel hurt.
- You can write a brief letter or email if it's too painful to talk to him in person.
- If you aren't friends, it might feel better to not communicate. Ask yourself what would feel better, and follow that path.
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Remind yourself of things you didn't like about him. Maybe he was totally unadventurous, or maybe he was too much of a risk taker. Maybe he constantly interrupted you. Maybe you were in love with the fantasy of this guy and not the guy himself. It can be hard to see the real person when you're infatuated.- You don't have to demonize him, of course. Just take your image of him with a grain of salt. Remember, he was never perfect: you just had some perfect feelings about him.
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Remember that you're loveable. You were your own unique and interesting person long before this guy’s opinion ever meant a thing to you; the more you remember and act on that, the stronger and more attractive you’ll feel. Realize that just because he doesn't like you doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. It could be just his problem! Attraction between two people is influenced by factors of timing, of nature, of nurture, and of factors beyond our control. [6] X Research source One person's feelings about you are not a way to measure your character.- Make a list of things you like about yourself. Include big things and small things. Group accomplishments, personality traits, and talents.
- Make a list of what you really care for in a relationship, and see if he fulfilled those expectations. He probably won't, and that's okay!
- Ask yourself, what can you count on yourself to do? What difficulties have you overcome?
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Renew yourself. Now is a great time to make a change. Redecorate your house, or just move the furniture around in your room. [7] X Research source Pursue a new hobby, sign up for some volunteer hours, get a different haircut. Master a new skill: take a class, cook a new dish, or make yourself something you've been wanting, like shelf. If you have some extra cash, buy a new outfit.- Ask friends to do things with you, but also try things that will get you out of your comfort zone. Talking to new people will be restorative.
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Be healthy and take care of yourself. Feeling bad about yourself after a crush doesn't work out is normal, but it's not a great way to feel. Taking care of yourself is a way to show yourself that you do matter, and it will also make you feel a lot better.Get regular exercise, meals, and sleep. Get therapy if you are feeling depressed or anxious.- Stick to a healthy routine every day. Clean up and dress yourself nicely, even when you feel like sludge—it will make you feel better.
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Date when you're ready. There's no need to rush it, but when dating sounds appealing to you, try it out. If you think you tend to like a certain kind of guy, try dating someone different: you might be making your romantic choices based on a pattern that doesn't actually work for you. If you always like boisterous overachievers, give a quiet introvert a chance.- Remember that there is always someone for you. You will find a guy who adores you soon enough.
- Don’t rush to rebound, or you might end up breaking someone else's heart. It will hurt you and it could hurt them.
- It's okay to get out and flirt. Don't get seriously involved with someone right away, but do flirt a little or even go on casual dates if that's fun for you.
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Take some distance if you can. Once you've let go of hoping for someone, you just need time to pass. The more time passes, the better you'll feel. Meanwhile, limit your exposure to him. Don't hang out, and try not to bump into him too much. This doesn't mean you should hide out—absolutely not—just that you should avoid interacting while you're still in pain.- Bring a friend when you know you'll run into him. We can't always avoid people who like—if you know you'll have to be around him sometimes, bring friends who know what's going on with you to back you up.
- Keep it positive. You don't have to glare at him or treat him rudely. When you feel normal again, you might end up being real friends with this guy. Just be polite and try to avoid him discreetly.
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Spend more time with your friends. Of course, you may need some alone time at first, but turning into a full-time hermit is just going to make you feel like he’s the only person in the world. Go out with your pals, have a buddy night, and socialize as much as feels good. The more you meet your emotional needs elsewhere, the less impact his absence will have on you.- If he's a good friend and all your friends are mutual, try organizing smaller outings—just two or three at a time—so that his absence doesn't feel conspicuous.
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Confide in your friends. Keeping heartbreak private can make it hurt more. It can be a relief to tell your nearest and dearest what you're going through. [8] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source You don't have to tell everyone, and it's probably better if you don't—but if you have a few good friends and relatives who can keep your business private, it might help to let them know that you're going through an emotionally rocky moment.- Be sure to tell them if what you're saying is private.
- Ask them not to treat the guy you had a crush on any differently—unless he was a jerk, of course.
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Dismiss gossip. If people talk, they talk. If unsubstantiated rumors are flying around, know that they'll die down soon. Don't add fuel to the rumors by getting angry or defensive. Instead, when confronted by nosy people, say it is your personal life, raise your eyebrows, and change the subject. Whatever you say won't change their minds, so always be the bigger person, smile and be polite.
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QuestionHow do you stop obsessing over a guy who doesn't like you?Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.Remind yourself that the idea of a one-and-only soulmate is a myth. There are many people out there you could be compatible with.
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References
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/this_is_your_brain_on_heartbreak
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truisms-wellness/201607/the-powerful-psychology-behind-cleanliness
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22808688/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/this_is_your_brain_on_heartbreak
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/finding-a-therapist-who-can-help-you-heal.htm
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/self-compassion-self-love/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201804/5-ways-regroup-reprioritize-and-renew-yourself
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/this_is_your_brain_on_heartbreak
About This Article
Article Summary
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When you’re ready to get over a crush who doesn’t return your feelings, take some time for yourself since you deserve it. For example, exercise daily, eat healthy meals, get enough sleep, and dress nicely. As you let go of your feelings, it’s also a great time to make bigger changes too, so try redecorating your room, starting a new hobby, or getting a different hair cut. When you start thinking about dating again, get out and flirt a little or date casually to test the waters. To learn how to deal with your ex-crush socially, keep reading!
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- "I started liking a guy after 5 to 6 months of meeting him on Facebook. We used to talk every day. When I met him last month for the second time, our friends said by seeing that we both like each other and we might date; but for the last few days, he is kinda ignoring me. I just can't get him out of my mind. But I want to move on, as I think it's a waste of time and I am unable to concentrate on anything. So I am visiting this site to help me out, and it's quite helpful." ..." more
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"I started liking a guy after 5 to 6 months of meeting him on Facebook. We used to talk every day. When I met him last month for the second time, our friends said by seeing that we both like each other and we might date; but for the last few days, he is kinda ignoring me. I just can't get him out of my mind. But I want to move on, as I think it's a waste of time and I am unable to concentrate on anything. So I am visiting this site to help me out, and it's quite helpful."
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"I had a crush. I sent him an email the night before Valentine's Day. He does not like me, but he took it to a new level. He not only rejected me but he also sent a screenshot of the message to his friends. Like I wasn't hurt enough. I have been trying to avoid him because I am just genuinely mad at him. This article has helped me because it made me realize I could do much better than this jerk."
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"I was completely in love with this dude and I felt like we really had a connection with him but I soon found out that he was just using me and we soon broke up. I felt like I wanted to curl up and cry for hours (which is what I did) and I still loved him. But I found this website and it helped me, thanks wikiHow."
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