Most people have a falling out with their best friend at some point, and sometimes it feels like you’ve lost them forever. Fortunately, best friends usually end up making up because they care about each other. Things may feel rough, but stay positive. Whether you’ve had a fight, they’ve met someone new, or they’ve moved away, it's possible to get your best friend back.
Steps
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Tell them how you feel. Your friend may miss you as much as you miss them, but one of you has to be the first to share those feelings. Talk to your friend about how much you miss them, and assure them that they are a core part of your life. [1] X Research source- Say, “You’re like a sister to me, so not having you around is like losing part of my family.”
- If your friend has been spending a lot of time with a new friend or partner, let them know that you want some of their time, too. Explain that you understand that the new person is important to them and stress that you aren’t trying to drive them apart. Say, “I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy. I just miss hanging out with you.”
- Be honest with your friend, even if you feel embarrassed. You could say, “It’s been really hard for me lately because you’re my best friend. I’m used to being able to talk to you everyday, but lately I’ve felt like you were too busy for me.”
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Don’t make assumptions. There are several reasons why your friend may be pulling away from you, so don’t think that a few unanswered texts or missed hangouts mean that you’ve lost your best friend. It’s possible that your friend has been going through something stressful or time-demanding, leaving little social time available. [2] X Research source- Realize that your friend may have other things going on in their life that have nothing to do with you or any of their other friends.
- If your friend has been spending a lot of time with someone else, consider that the other person may fit into your friend’s life in a way that you don’t. For example, your friend and the new person may both be from divorced households, may share a similar cultural background, or may have both had to take care of an ill family member.
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Apologize. If you’ve done something wrong, apologizing is the first step to healing your friendship. Simply saying “I’m sorry” usually isn’t enough. You need to be detailed and specific. Even if you don’t think the fight was your fault, you might have to take the high road and be the first to apologize. [3] X Research source- Show them that you know what you did and why it was wrong.
- Say, “I’m sorry for forgetting your birthday. I know that must have really hurt you because I would have been heartbroken if you’d forgotten mine.”
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Use “I” statements. Don’t speak for both of you or project your feelings onto your friend. You may have differing perspectives on what happened and what your intentions were, and that’s okay. What’s important is that you are each able to share your own feelings on the situation and come to a point of understanding. [4] X Research source- Avoid statements like “You never listen to me!” Instead, say, “I felt like you weren't hearing me, and that made me feel frustrated.”
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Take responsibility for your actions. As you apologize, resist the urge to explain away your behavior. Don’t make excuses, no matter how justified you felt in doing what you did or what was happening in your life. Nothing excuses hurting your friend, just as they have no excuse for hurting you. [5] X Research source- For example, avoid saying, “I’m sorry I forgot about your birthday party. I had a busy week and lost track of the days.” While this may be true, it weakens your apology because it shows that you feel like your behavior had some justification.
- Say, “I know that what I did was wrong.”
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Don’t assign blame. Regardless of who started the fight or what was said, focus on moving forward. Think about how much you want your best friend in your life, and remind yourself that pointing out who did what will only hurt the situation. [6] X Research source- Avoid statements like “I’m sorry you feel that way” because they put the blame on the other person. You are telling the person that your behavior was okay, and they just overreacted.
- If you feel like they are unfairly blaming you, say, “I’m hearing that you think this is all my fault. Is that true?” If they reply yes, then you will be able to talk it out.
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Suggest ways to work through your issues. Talking to your friend will start the healing process, but may not be enough to fully restore your relationship. Offer ideas for things you can do together, including a next step. Healing your friendship will require work, and your apology will hold more weight if you show your friend that you have a plan. [7] X Research source- Ask them to go see a popular movie together. You can spend time together without expectations of talking, and then you have a shared topic to discuss afterward that will put less pressure on you to find neutral topics.
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Limit contact. If your friend tells you that they need time alone, listen to them. They may need time to cool down, think things over, and recover. Constantly calling, texting, emailing, and pestering them will not help. In fact, you will likely make the situation worse.- Keep your interactions civil. If you see them at school or work, acknowledge them with a smile, wave, or nod.
- Don’t confuse this with giving your friend the cold shoulder. Be open and available to them.
- Don’t try to get information about them from mutual friends, and don’t ask mutual friends to pick sides.
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Don't be clingy. Allow your friend to make their own decisions about where they go and who they hang out with. When you feel like you might lose your best friend, it’s tempting to smother them with attention, but this often backfires. If you act like your friend isn’t allowed to have other people in their life, they’ll push even harder to get away from you and your efforts to control them.- If your friend is busier than normal, find an activity that keeps you just as busy so that you’re less tempted to cling.
- If you are jealous of your friend’s new relationship, remember that you will eventually find a partner or new friends, as well.
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Try new activities. Rather than sitting around thinking about how much you miss your best friend, distract yourself by having fun doing something you’ve always wanted to try. If you’re stumped for ideas, check a local events calendar for upcoming options, or visit a local hobby shop. [8] X Research source -
Meet new people. While you don’t want to rush out and try to replace your best friend, start the process of making new friends. Don’t rush friendship or hanging out one-on-one, but open yourself up to getting to know other people. [9] X Research source- Join a club.
- Hang out with other friends.
- Host a party.
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Know when to let go. Sometimes when someone asks for space, they end up wanting things to stay that way. As hard as it is to give up on a best friend, it may be necessary for you to move on. Think of this as a learning experience that will help you form better friendships in the future. Reflect on what made this friendship end, and use that lesson to choose your friends in the future.- Allow yourself to cry. It’s important that you grieve the loss of your relationship as you would a death so that you can work through it. Crying is normal and important, so don’t feel bad about needing to let it out.
- Even though you might not get closure from your friend, say your own goodbye by writing them a goodbye letter that you never send or holding your own goodbye ritual.
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Ignore gossip. Gossip will only hurt your friendship. If someone tries to talk badly about your friend, ask them to stop. Refuse to listen if people say that your friend is trashing you. Even if it’s true, it’s not going to help you patch things up.- Say, “I’m not interested in hearing that.”
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Forgive and forget. Start with a clean slate. Once your issues have been resolved, don’t keep punishing your friend, acting cold, or bringing up mistakes they made as ammo in other fights. Let go and move on.- Focus on the future.
- If you find yourself in a similar issue as before, give your friend the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to conclusions.
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Invite them to a group event. When you’re first rebuilding a friendship, it can feel awkward. Spending time with a group will allow you guys to spend time together with a buffer while emotions are still raw. [10] X Research source- Ask your entire friend group to go out to dinner.
- Find community or school events, and pick one that connects to a shared interest.
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Understand that new relationships are inevitable. If your friend has met someone new, don’t see it as the end of your friendship. One of you will be the first to find a partner or a new good friend. If your friend does before you do, it can be hard to accept your new dynamic, but know that it happens to everyone. [11] X Research source- Don’t see it as a rejection. Your friend is not trying to replace you. They just found someone else they click with.
- Your relationship may change, but it’s not over.
- Reach out to the new person. Keep an open mind and try to get to know the other person. If it’s a new boyfriend or girlfriend, be excited for your friend’s happiness and let them feel like they can confide in you.
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Find new ways to spend time together. If your friend has a new situation in their life that keeps them from you, such as a sick relative, a new baby, or additional work/school responsibilities, find ways that you can easily fit into their day. Since your friend’s life is changing, your time together may need to change, too. Show them that you still fit into their life. [12] X Research source- Visit your friend during your lunch hour.
- Join your friend in an activity you know they attend regularly, such as a class at the gym.
- If your friend is in a new relationship, remind your friend that you need one-on-one time. Say, “Your new boyfriend is great, but can we grab lunch just the two of us this weekend?”
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Engage in a favorite activity. Spend time rekindling your friendship doing something you guys both love, preferably something unique to your friendship. This will remind you of good times you’ve had together and help both of you move past the issues that had come between you. For example, if you both love singing, go out for karaoke. [13] X Research source
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Conversation Help
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I get my friend back after a big fight ?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).Well, it is always a good idea to apologize, and acknowledge that you hurt them. Don't explain your side initially. Wait for a response. Then possibly suggest that you might meet to talk about what happened. Hear them out, and reflect back what you hear them say, like: "It sounds like you were very hurt by what I said." Let them have the space to respond. This back and forth dialogue would be a good start. Best of luck!
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QuestionHow do you get a friend back after they have made a new friend?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).First of all, any person can have more than one friend, and often do. Don't automatically think that the appearance of a new person means that you no longer matter. Sometimes two friends cling together during a particularly rough time, and when things ease up for one of them, they feel more able to spread their wings and talk with more people. Try not to see this as a threat. You may have to make adjustments, but that is okay. Be sure to tell your friend in a non-demanding way how important they are to you, and that you want to set up a time to get together if you haven't seen them in a while.
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Tips
- Show your friend that you truly love them.Thanks
- Calm down before you talk to your friend again.Thanks
- Keep in touch with them and remind them that they're your best friend.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Just like you should use these tips, your friends should too. If your friends don't give you space or say sorry, you shouldn't be their friend anymore. Letting them go may be hard, but it will be worth it to let go of a bad friend and be unhappy for a little while than to be unhappy and trapped in a harmful situation for what may feel like FOREVER. Just do what your instinct tells you and try to keep cool for as long as you can.
- If people don't want to be your friend, give them time. If they aren't within a week, you have to let them go. It will make you sad but you have to be strong. This is for your own good. Hang out with people who are worth it. And be yourself!
- Don't push the limits. Try to ask her what you did wrong and say sorry specifically for that reason. "I'm sorry" just doesn't work.
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Warnings
- Don't apologize and then ignore your best friend.Thanks
- Never set out to intentionally make them jealous.Thanks
- Never sound petulant or jealous when confronting your friend.Thanks
- Being really mean to your friend’s new friend or boyfriend/girlfriend will create more issues. If someone is with your friend, then they are with you as well.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.teenvogue.com/story/growing-apart-from-your-friend
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201306/how-come-my-best-friend-doesnt-call-me-back
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-grown/201206/how-craft-the-perfect-apology
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-grown/201206/how-craft-the-perfect-apology
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-grown/201206/how-craft-the-perfect-apology
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-grown/201206/how-craft-the-perfect-apology
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-grown/201206/how-craft-the-perfect-apology
- ↑ http://www.teenvogue.com/story/growing-apart-from-your-friend
- ↑ http://www.teenvogue.com/story/growing-apart-from-your-friend
- ↑ http://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/tips/g1014/how-to-rekindle-a-friendship/?slide=8
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-grown/201206/how-craft-the-perfect-apology
- ↑ http://www.teenvogue.com/story/growing-apart-from-your-friend
- ↑ http://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/tips/g1014/how-to-rekindle-a-friendship/?slide=3
About This Article
Article Summary
X
To get your best friend back, try telling them that you miss them and you value having them in your life, so they know how important their friendship is to you. If you did something wrong, you should apologize for what you did to help the friendship can heal. Keep in mind that your friend may need time to cool down, so if they say they need time alone, limit calling and texting until they’re ready to talk. If you feel awkward about hanging out with them after a fight, try inviting them to a group event, which can be easier on both of you. While you may be best friends, remember that it’s healthy to have other friends and commitments in life, so don’t worry if you’re not spending every waking moment together. To learn how to tell when it’s time to let go of a friend, read more from our Counselor co-author.
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Reader Success Stories
- "I had a best friend and we had been friends since forever. And one day was on the phone with her and she told me she was getting her hair done and we always play with each other and so I was like I don't care. And she hung up and called back and then I hung up and she was playing and called me a bum. And my sister felt offended or whatever and and called her all types of names and she always trying to make me feel bad and I get why and she blames me for it and now she has a new friend. " ..." more
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"I had a best friend and we had been friends since forever. And one day was on the phone with her and she told me she was getting her hair done and we always play with each other and so I was like I don't care. And she hung up and called back and then I hung up and she was playing and called me a bum. And my sister felt offended or whatever and and called her all types of names and she always trying to make me feel bad and I get why and she blames me for it and now she has a new friend. "
..."
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"My best friend Luis and I were not together since last summer of 2017 because of his friend Kyle driving me nuts and now Luis this year for our Sophomore year at school hes now refusing to be my best friend again for the whole year and I don't know how to get him back and Im trying my best to get him back but its not working I did apologize but hes still refusing to be my friend again. "
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"I lost my best friend because she said I have been treating her badly. I look back on what I have done and feel terrible. She texted me, "Give me some space, I have been hurt". This really dug deep, and today she has been avoiding me. I really want her back, but she was hanging out with other girls and I was stuck with someone we both didn't really like. I want my best friend again!"
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"I had a best friend who I was really close with, she and I did everything together. One day we had a stupid argument and I said something, and I took it too far. I emailed her after years of not talking and now she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I just wish I could have her back."
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"This article really helped me in knowing how to get my boy best friend back. I did what the writer mentioned in the article above, and now I understand my offense. So, I did what the writer mentioned, and now things are back to normal, thanks to wikiHow."
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